When the other half dies....

I'm posting this question to everyone here who is, or was, involved in a long term relationship.

Me and my husband often talk about what would happen if one of us died. It's not at all morbid to have discussions like this, but a matter of taking care of each other, making sure that the other half won't be facing more difficulties then needed should something happen.
One of the things we talked about is starting a new relationship. My husband doesn't want me to find another love after his death, he says he can't bare the thought of it. Me on the other hand, I think that if he can ever be happy again after I die, he should take the chance.
Lately our discussions about this are rising.

My father died 8 months ago.
For my mother it was a difficult time. They had been together for almost 40 years. She spend the last years taking care of him and his cancer and the years before that she took care of him as an alcoholic. It wasn't much of a life for her, I see that very clear. I can't remember one moment out of the last 10 years where she was happy.

Now she tells me that she met someone else and fell in love again.
I guess you can't control these kind of feelings towards another, certainly not when the feeling is mutual. When I saw her yesterday she was happy and smiling, for the first time in a long time she was dressed up and wearing make up again... she was glowing from the inside.
She told me about this man and he seems decent. I can't really say that I have negative feelings towards this new relationship. For me what matters is that she is happy again.... my father is death and we remember him each in our own way.
Should his death prevent her from being happy?
I know my father was a jealous man, he wouldn't want her to meet someone else... he was very selfish when it comes to that.

On the other hand she's scared because she has to face the gossip and comments from the outside world, family and neighbors who think it is a scandal to get involved with someone again 'so soon' after the death of her husband. But what do they know about the life she had before?

I know opinions about this will vary,
but what would you want for your other half should you be the first to die?
and...
How "soon" is 'to soon'?

As my current medical condition deteriorates, we often have this discussion as well. Of course no one wants to be "replaced" if they die, but since in life it is my goal to make my wife happy, then so shall it be in death. I make jokes and say she'll join a convent somewhere, but if her heart allows her to love, or she just wants to have fun, then so be it.

As it is important to discuss these things, it is also important to remember that neither of you have yet passed. So instead of worrying about after death things. . .live for now. This is the only now there is, take every single moment and push it to the most exilerating, mind boggling, heart pounding edge you can!

Today is today, and we'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. While we're at it. . .we might as well work on letting some of the past go. . .it'll be okay. Breaking the bonds of the past, and the bonds of the future means. . . .you both are free today.

reply to post by Divine Strake


Firstly I`m sorry to hear of your medical condition.

Your post summed up my words,exactly if I were able to say it as well.

We have also had those discussions a long time ago and I dont see the point really,I dont need to hear that my Mr`s would like me to find someone else if she dies and visa versa,I think cross that bridge when and if it comes.

Live for today.

Edit to add....

The only time I`ve been concerned at all on the topic of dying,is that she is finacially supported and has others around her for support.

Divine Strake said it well - Live now, take each day as it comes. There is never a time "too soon" to find a new love - only a fool would let it go because of what others think.
3 years ago my wife and I went through the same discussion when an MRI showed what looked to be terminal cancer in my spinal cord (which wasn't thank God!). You realize that time is short and you just never know when you could be taken away. Frankly, it was the most liberating thing that ever happened to me. While I might be ill and disabled I have never been happier - to be any other way is to waste your life.
Good for your mother!! It's not too late for her to have some happiness in her life and anyone who would deny her that is being horribly selfish!

It is difficult I know.

It has been almost 2 years since my wife passed after a long illness.

22 years of marriage and 4 children,is a lot to just forget about.

I do enjoy just talking to single women but the thought of starting a permanent relationship is probably something that won't happen.

I believe it is how close you were in real life.

Some marriages are after a time just two tired people living together.

She may have died,but my love for her has not.

The ring she gave me is on my finger and that is where it will stay.

reply to post by gps777


I can see that. Living for the day had become such a cliche, no one ever takes it seriously enough. There are days when I don't. . .but we all have to come to realize that we're all connected, if by nothing else, the trials of life and death. We're all one, and no matter who we deem a friend or enemy, we have or will have to walk in their footsteps.

Even those who can't speak have something to say. . .we, as beings, need to be open to the things we may not be able to hear over the static of everyday life. We're connected in thought, hope, fear, dreams, and life. Thus, we will remain so connected in an after-life, no matter what religious beliefs we might have.

Light is energy, and it's speed can be measured. Love is a constant, and it's power is immeasureable. . .and progressively increases in strength. One might say that love is an ultimate force.

I can't agree more with what's been said here, live now and not in the past and if you have a chance on happyness: take it with both hands!

I'm a bit surprised that all the responses are on the same side of the coin, I expected much more people who would think that there has to be a certain time frame between the death of your partner and the start of a new relationship.... maybe that's reserved for 'evil neighbors' who like to gossip

thanks for the replies all

Gyps- I have always loved your thought provoking threads and this one is no exception. Had you asked me this question a couple of years ago I would have probably answered with "It's ok to move on after an appropriate time of grieving which varies from person to person." My father passed on 12 years before my mother, and it was painful to watch her be lonely.For myself,I would have years ago, felt it was alright to move on into another relationship;seeing as I was mid 30's and why spend decades alone? Then I met HIM. the one. I can't visualize being without him even in death. I'd rather take my last breath beside him as he takes his, and be laid to rest in each others arms. The thought of being beside him every night then separated for eternity in wooden boxes is more than I can bear.I know our spirits would reunite but for me it is not enough.He and I HAVE discussed this very issue, and were he to pass before me, I would follow anyway I could. I'm not meant to continue this life without him.He IS my other half, body, mind, and soul..and with half a heart I would die...