Finding New Normal

FINDING NEW NORMAL

In this thread, I will attempt to look at how we, as a people, process and respond to life-changing events. I encourage you to share your perceptions of same, and perhaps together we can arrive at a process/system for finding our way in these charged times.



I’ve been at the nexus of several natural disasters, and a couple of human-made ones, and one theme has sounded through and after each one: When will things be ‘back to normal?’

We all go through life-changing events, and I believe that we’re creatures that believe ourselves far from the Savannah of our [supposed] origins….. but it truth, we’re creatures that seek peace and normalcy – a future that we suppose can be counted on, and a fate that we can regulate; Sometimes we are creatures that wish for a better time and look backward at waypoints in our lives when things were peaceful and shining. My Grandmother had a phrase regarding memories, and I’ll share it with you. She said, “look backward fondly, but don’t stare.” I think there is a lot of truth in that statement.

I remember the horrible events of the Loma Prieta earthquake in Northern California in 1986. It occurred during the World Series and for months afterward, life was permanently altered. In truth, the area affected never did “recover”……. it simply changed and by my observation, some folks were stuck in time, lamenting a time when those who died were alive, and freeway systems that collapsed were standing, and buildings destroyed were standing as a proud monument to their builders’ ingenuity. …

But we moved on, we survived. I was a small cog in a search and rescue machine that crawled with dogs under the collapsed Cypress Freeway interchange, looking for and finding survivors. We found some sixty folk that were crushed inside their cars, and the dogs knew the difference even as we approached them, in spite of the fuel and the smoke and the dust. The dogs didn’t waste time on those already gone; We humans recovered them later. Dozens of people were extricated alive and they lived on, and that was good enough for all of us manly men who came apart afterwards. The dogs didn’t complain, that I could see; if they’d have had opposable thumbs to operate tools, they wouldn’t have needed us.

“When will San Francisco be back to normal?” I would shake my head sadly, not wanting to put words to my truth: Never. It will never be the “same”.

When these life-changing events come upon us, most times they are without warning – earthquakes, terrorism, sudden deaths of loved ones, hurricanes, tsunami, floods, tornado, a shooting in traffic, being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I have seen people broken to the core that seemed to never rally back to the formerly vibrant person they were. What good was I in these times? A person can offer a friendly shoulder to cry on, a nonjudgemental ear, even support in the form of food, fuel, water. Finding new normal depends upon a person’s ability to adapt to new conditions or surroundings, and their ability to find what was good in their former lives and recreate it anew.

We are – as a global community – perhaps on the cusp of life-changing events. It has always seemed so to me, since I was a wee lad. As I graduated from high school in 1976, I was excited at the prospect of leaving home and finding my way, even as it seemed that the world was on the tipping point – that this or that ‘enemy’ was a heartbeat away from starting global destruction, or unnamed chaos from the stars. I remember a group of people I discovered in the Los Angeles area who were intent upon marshalling their resources to purchase land in the mountains to create a self-sustaining commune for surviving the impending apocalypse. I believed them…….. but I didn’t want to join them. I chose a different survival strategy. The apocalypse has come and gone several times since then – it’s that sense of impending doom fuelled by observation and armchair analysis of world events that has since caused me to become a survivalist or “prepper”.

I want to survive, but I don’t want to sacrifice a single day of joy and wonder of the world for that cause. I am a very lucky man – my true love and I found each other 21 years ago. She is the only person on God’s blue globe that can injure me, and she chooses not to do so. If she goes first, I will struggle like never before to find new normal. If it goes that way, I will know that her last wish is for me to be at peace, and to be happy.

After Hurricane Paloma whacked our sleepy little island on November 8, 2008, people were – for the most part – discouraged and broken. “Look at the bluff! Every living plant is dead – it looks like a bomb went off!” they said. It was true. Our garden was completely killed…….. not by the Cat 4/5 winds, but by the salt rain. I planted seeds the very next day. Those plants did not survive, and I planted more. We lost more than two dozen coconut palms – snapped like carrots halfway up their trunks – and most of our fruit trees. Civil orange trees, naseberry, mango, papaya, ascerola cherry trees, guava trees and the magnificent canopy of the ponciena, which formerly provided a cooling shade for the entire back yard……. all gone. Our normalcy was rent.

We were either blessed or very lucky……. nobody was killed, even though nearly every structure was damaged, and hundreds of them destroyed completely. Hope was is short supply. I remember when a fishing boat from Honduras heard of our plight, and made for our shores. They’d not taken any fish yet, and they gave away their entire six ton of ice in their hold. It was an incredible morale boost to the island. I’m sorry to say that prior to that I’d privately scoffed when I’d read stories of people standing in line after a disaster for ice. “Ice won’t make or break me”, I thought. Ice won’t save your life; it might save your sense of normalcy.

People are still singing the same tune today, some of them. “when will the Brac be back to normal?” It’s a hard thing to say and I don’t always do so. It will NEVER be back to the way it was, but it can be better. I think that’s the key to finding our way after we are struck by a life-changing event. It doesn’t have to be a disaster – it can be as “normal” as having to change your job, or – God forbid – loosing your job, your home, your normal life, your love. I think the key is to identify the elements of what you loved and to create something better for yourself. Radical changes are sometimes a genuine benefit.

I can look backward upon horrible events of my life, and they all lead me – sometimes kicking and screaming – to the place I am now. I am happy……. I am satisfied and content. I cannot depend upon this state being static forever. Things WILL happen and they will seem adverse.. When I am truly evolved, I might see the benefit WHILE I’m in the event, rather than looking backward fondly.

What carries us, as a people through the bad times? In a word, Sharing. Sharing of self, our resources, our compassion. Yes, such actions can get a person killed. So-and-so didn’t deserve that – they were such a good person. Sad shake of head. We don’t DESERVE anything, except that for which we work for.

The world – once again – seems on the cusp of a financial socioeconomic breakdown. Some of us will not survive, perhaps. Life will inflict itself upon us again. May you find your new normal, and keep your eye on the ball – to live, and love and share yourself with other humans………. to be kind, but not foolish, to be gentle, but not a dishrag; To be compassionate and work outside of your own conceptions of normalcy. Any creature can survive, given the impetus to do so. We can change our collective lives, one small step at a time and find our new normal. AND……… hopefully, we will document our lives so others may benefit and finally, find peace………. again……….. and again.

If you’ve come this far, maybe you’ll take the time to ponder where you are, and what you want. I implore you to LIVE and LOVE and LAUGH. Don’t wait for a time in the fuzzy future for that golden ring, because your time is limited.

This might be the last thing you ever read. What are you doing here??? There are seeds to plant, waves to swim, mountains to climb, skills to learn.

I come here to learn and to share. Thank you for reading.

Your normalcy awaits.

Peace.

Interesting paper -- at least to me -- on Introduction to Emotional Disaster Preparedness.

The whole article is a good read, but a few points really ring out to me:

Our culture is just plain resistant to dealing with the eventuality that everyone will face an emergency sometime, be it personal, local, regional, nation, or world-wide. On the one hand, the prevalence of emergencies is a fairly widely accepted. Yet on the other, there is nothing in the literature that nonetheless systematically seeks to address this situation, and create a better foundation of emotional preparedness for disasters.

This is not entirely surprising, since in our culture we don't generally fix things until they're broken. This is why prevention is still so cutting edge -- or almost entirely absent -- in many aspects of the helping professions. The same seems to be true of disaster psychology.

I know that as a former S&R first responder, we were taught various ideas and techniques for dealing with our OWN feelings and personal responses to the event, but not much was said in regard to helping victims of the event. In one sense, it wasn't our job to attempt to help them in a psychological manner, and yet I frequently argued that most of us attempted to do so in the course of our response, so why not afford us some training?

An example of this was that we rarely were called upon to respond to an event in our own area. People take care of their own first, and a S&R professional is expected to be just that -- a professional. Still, people are people, and they make attachments to others sometimes in the aftermath of a bad event. Sometimes people do good works on their own time, because they feel invested in the event, and I think also because they are human and caring.

I also think that when life-changing events befall us in a personal manner only, those are sometimes the people that struggle the most to find their new normal; The event hasn't made the news, and people feel lost, alone, uncared for, not cared about. This is when it becomes (imo) so very important to look back at where you were, and forward to a hypothetical time when you have formed a new life.

I remember long ago being laid off from a job and I was living close to the bone then. I had never considered the notion that I could be homeless, and made no preparations for it. I became somewhat comfortable in my new life -- different friends, different systems, varied stragegies for survival. I was fortunate and was able to eventually claw my way into a better life, but there was a time where it didn't seem so bad. My motivation for changing the situation was that things changed and I got tired of being scared of being beat up or otherwise injured. I really didn't realize at the time that I wasn't happy; it wasn't a consideration.

I recognized happy when I found it.

Originally posted by argentus
What carries us, as a people through the bad times? In a word, Sharing. Sharing of self, our resources, our compassion. Yes, such actions can get a person killed. So-and-so didn’t deserve that – they were such a good person. Sad shake of head. We don’t DESERVE anything, except that for which we work for.

I found this very true. Unity is really what as individuals and collectively we need to learn. I know your primary nature recoils at the very thought, but that's where things are heading. Would you rather love yourself, and have everyone hate you, or hate yourself and have everyone love you? Which of those are we at currently?

And about getting killed...true both literally and figuratively. Someone posted a thread about a BBC vid showing a woman darting into traffic along with an identical twin. A guy brings her into his home after she was released from the hospital and she kills him, was reminded of that....not that an example is needed

I don't think natural disasters are that bad to be honest. You get through it with family, friends, and the community. What about the things that directly attack those things? Or things that attack the connection between those groups, maybe even your own connection to those things. That's what you have to watch for.

Thanks for taking the time to write this Argentus, I normally don't indulge myself in reading others rants and musings but yours was definitely worth the time;
So many of your thoughts sounded like my own. I graduated in '77 and felt like you did about the impending sense of doom - who would hit the button first or which natural disaster would take us was always right around the corner. So I did what most of peers did. "Tonite we drink for tomorrow we die' should have been our motto. But partying can only take you so far and then it turns empty like anything we overdo to exhaustion.
I lost many good friends but never to the demons of our imaginations - it was always something stupid like drunk driving or playing with firearms. We learned to cope with death by ignoring it for it happened far too often. Most of us never really dealt with it and became the colder of heart for it.
I did GSAR work too and I loved the feeling of being able to help in a way that not many could. A lost child is every parent's nightmare and the thought of the relief that you could bring them kept you going long after you thought you could do no more. They eventually had to pull some of us off the search just so we would rest. Of course there was always the dread feeling too that you might find the lost person too late and would only be the bringer of bad news.
This is why families should never be allowed on scene. The worst situation I ever saw was when a sign cutter found the body of a lost boy and radioed to back only to be overheard by the father. It seemed so cruel and unnecessary, it's no way to receive news like that.
I have lived through having my house flooded, my kitchen burned down, having 27 felony counts hanging over my ex wife's head for 2 years while having 2 very young children. I've been laid off and fired from jobs as well as going through a nasty divorce. Somehow I got through and found happiness all over again.
I think these bad situations are sometimes the only way we are able to grow and that may the case globally as we stand right now. To tell the truth America needs an enema
It could be what brings out the best qualities in us all. I know that I have handled most of my bad situations pretty well and can take pride in not lashing out and keeping my patience and sense of humor somehow.
I got really sick a couple years ago and for a while we thought I had a terminal cancer. My wife and I dealt with it and resolved to live, to do the things we had dreamed without waiting. It put a heavy dent in our meager savings but we had some of our very best times.
My health has gotten to the point now where it's hard to just get out and do much of anything and I feel like I'm dragging my wife down. She's still very attractive and could find another man easily. Sometimes I think I should go through the pain of hurting her by divorce so she will have someone to grow old with - it's something she'll have to deal with eventually. I don't like feeling like an anchor while life awaits just outside a door I can't get out of. It will resolve itself one day.
Despite this I am truly content and glad to be alive.
If today were my last day on Earth I would have no regrets. I can ask for nothing more from life. I HAD one andI pity the people who never even tried to go for their dreams or who couldn't let go enough to be able to move ahead in their own lives.
I was self-employed for 20+ years and have a great family and friends. I have also been fortunate enough to find excellent teachers in many of the fields I wished to learn. How many people can say that they've had that?

It;s a shame more people haven't read your post. I found it insightful without being pretentious or glib.

Don’t wait for a time in the fuzzy future for that golden ring, because your time is limited.

our time?..what about yours???..dinosaurus!!

a reply to: argentus

Very 'à-propos' for today's times.
Shall we survive ?
Will we come-out the other side: broken ?

a reply to: Nothin

Wow! A ten-year-old thread rides again!

The only thing that is certain is that we'll come out the other side changed; whether that change is a good thing is mostly up to us individuals, the smallest minority.

a reply to: argentus

Have been reminiscing, bouncing willy-nilly through old threads, and found this one.
And it just fit so well with what we are all going through now.

Hope you have been 'surviving' well.
Cheers!

a reply to: argentus

How did I miss this one? :-)

A good thread argentus. Also - timely

There are a lot of hidden gems scattered around this place I think

a reply to: Spiramirabilis

There is so much collective wealth in this site my friend; I wish I had the ability to preserve a copy of ATS, intact as it is at this moment, in its pure self.