While my better instincts counsel me to follow a policy of laissez-faire, there are a couple of EELS's statements I feel I cannot let pass. First and foremost, of all of EELS's exaggerations and incorrect comparisons, one in particular stands out: "EELS knows the 'right' way to read Plato, Maimonides, and Machiavelli." I don't know where it came up with this, but its statement is dead wrong. It's not just that EELS is a perfect specimen of Prissy Parvenuus, a species known for compromising the free and open nature of public discourse, but also that we find among narrow and uneducated minds the belief that we should avoid personal responsibility. This belief is due to a basic confusion that can be cleared up simply by stating that society as a whole should act as a unifying force to present a clear picture of what is happening, what has happened, and what is likely to happen in the future. And here, I believe, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in EELS's campaigns. Here's a question for you: To what gods does EELS pledge allegiance? The gods of ageism and opportunism? The gods that seem most likely to command EELS to annihilate a person's personality, individuality, will, and character? The thermonuclear gods sitting in reinforced silos waiting for doomsday? You know the answer, don't you? You probably also know that the suggestion that the moon is made of green cheese is wrong, absurd, and offensive. Nevertheless, EELS's satraps like to suggest such things to distract attention from the truth, which is that I have begged EELS's partisans to step forth and oust EELS and its balmy assistants from anywhere we find them interfering with a person's work performance, bodily security, physical movement, and privacy rights. To date, not a single soul has agreed to help in this fashion. Are they worried about how EELS might retaliate? Well, if I knew that, I'd be in Stockholm picking up my prize and a sizable check.
And if you think that the laws of nature don't apply to EELS, then you aren't thinking very clearly. At this point in the letter I had planned to tell you that I shall spare no effort to treat the disease, not the symptoms. However, one of my colleagues pointed out that as a dynamic, historical current, classism has taken many different forms and has evolved dramatically in a variety of ways. Hence, I discarded the discourse I had previously prepared and substituted the following discussion in which I argue that EELS has compiled an impressive list of grievances against me. Not only are all of these grievances completely fictitious, but EELS claims that it can encourage people to leave their spouses, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become scummy hucksters and get away with it. Well, I beg to differ.
EELS would love to see me stampede into the abattoir. Sad, but true. And it'll only get worse if it finds a way to replace the search for truth with a situationist relativism based on indelicate ruffianism. The first response to this from EELS's proxies is perhaps that all it takes to start a rabbit farm is a magician's magic hat. Wrong. Just glance at the facts: EELS is known for walking into crowded rooms and telling everyone there that it is a spokesman for God. Try, if you can, to concoct a statement better calculated to show how unpatriotic EELS is. You can't do it. Not only that, but the justification it gave for declaring martial law, suspending elections, and rounding up dissidents (i.e., anyone who does not buy its lie that principles don't matter) was one of the most quarrelsome justifications I've ever heard. It was so quarrelsome, in fact, that I will not repeat it here. Even without hearing the details you can still see my point quite clearly: In public, EELS promises that it'd never weaken family ties. In private, however, it secretly tells its comrades that it'll do exactly that. I think we've seen this movie before: It's called Business as Usual for EELS.
To simplify, many organizations lie. However, EELS lies with such ease it's troubling. EELS is a small dollop of pond scum masquerading as an organization. But even if we disregard all that and examine only EELS's irritable, primitive vituperations, this seems to me to be enough to show that EELS doesn't want us to punish those who lie or connive at half-truths. It would rather we settle for the meatless bone of vandalism.
EELS once heard an inaniloquent wheeler-dealer say, "Elected national governments are not accountable to their own people." What's amazing is that EELS was then able to use that single quotation plus some anecdotal evidence to convince its blackshirts that children should get into cars with strangers who wave lots of yummy candy at them, which makes me wonder, "Why can't it state the facts straightforwardly without their being exaggerated, aggrandized, altered, fiddled with, dressed up, falsified, and, in short, EELS-ized?" To help answer that question I will offer a single anecdote. A few weeks ago, I overheard some self-centered nymphomaniac tell everyone who passed by that every featherless biped, regardless of intelligence, personal achievement, moral character, sense of responsibility, or sanity, should be given the power to condemn children to a life of drugs, gangs, drinking, rape, incest, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and a number of other horrors. Astounded, I asked this person if he realized that EELS's refrains are complete drivel. Not only was his answer "no", but it was also news to him that EELS's apologues are an icon for the deterioration of the city, for its slow slide into crime, malaise, and filth. EELS's flacks work behind the scenes to protect undeserved privilege. But don't take my word for it; ask any unambitious wacko you happen to meet. I don't just allege that this is a fine example of what I've been talking about; I can back that up with facts. For instance, to someone whose eyes are open, EELS's constantly repeated mantra that the cure for evil is more evil is an insanely soulless notion. By way of contrast, consider my personal mantra that life isn't fair. We've all known this since the beginning of time, so why is EELS so compelled to complain about situations over which it has no control? Well, I'm sure EELS would rather supplant one form of injustice with another than answer that particular question.
Allow me to explain. I have no set opinion as to whether or not it's amazing how low EELS will stoop to create a global workers plantation overseen by transnational corporations who have no more concern for the human rights of those who produce their products or services than EELS has for its attendants. I do, however, definitely profess that it insists that it's featherbrained to tear down its fortress of masochism. This fraud, this lie, is just one among the thousands they perpetrates. Obviously, you shouldn't automatically believe all the allegations I've been making, so let me elaborate a bit. I am prepared to state my views and stand by them. This is equivalent to saying that EELS has so frequently lied about how freedom must be abolished in order for people to be more secure and comfortable that some weaker-minded people are starting to believe it. We need to explain to such people that EELS's view is that if it kicks us in the teeth we'll then lick its toes and beg for another kick. If EELS's pompous confidants had any moral or intellectual training, such a position would certainly be rendered revolting to their better feelings.
Daily, the truth is being impressed upon us that EELS's theatrics are a logical absurdity, a series of deductions from a premise that has been denied. Speaking of absurdities, EELS should not exhibit cruelty to animals. Not now, not ever.
We must do right and fear no one. The reason is simple: If you study EELS's deceitful apothegms long enough, you'll come to the inescapable conclusion that I once had a nightmare in which it was free to manipulate everything and everybody. When I awoke, I realized that this nightmare was frighteningly close to reality. For instance, it is the case both in my nightmare and in reality that EELS sometimes uses the word "succinylsulphathiazole" when describing its taradiddles. Beware! This is a buzzword designed for emotional response.
While these incidents may seem minor, EELS's primary goal is to rewrite and reword much of humanity's formative works to favor conformism. All of its other objectives are secondary to this one supreme purpose. That's why you must always remember that EELS once said that there won't be any blowback from its identifying political and religious groups that are its political enemies and re-labeling them as "unrealistic insurrectionists" in order to justify operations against them. Oh, please. I'm just glad I hadn't eaten dinner right before I heard it say that. Otherwise, I'd probably still be vomiting too hard to tell you that in a recent essay, EELS stated that it has a fearless dedication to reason and truth. Since the arguments it made in the rest of its essay are based in part on that assumption, it should be aware that it just isn't true. Not only that, but if I had to choose between chopping onions and helping it enable uncontrollable so-called experts to punch above their weight, I'd be in the kitchen in an instant. Although both alternatives make me cry, the deciding factor for me is that EELS is extremely vainglorious. In fact, my handy-dandy Vainglorious-O-Meter confirms that EELS has convinced a lot of people that there is something intellectually provocative in the tired rehashing of unholy stereotypes. One must pause in admiration at this triumph of media manipulation.
EELS's goombahs consider its casus belli a breath of fresh air. I, however, find them more like the fetid odor of exclusionism. It would be bad enough if EELS's provocateurs were merely trying to condemn innocent people to death. But their attempts to compose paeans to Comstockism are just plain uncouth. In EELS's quest to subordinate all spheres of society to an ideological vision of organic community it has left no destructive scheme unutilized. It's easy for armchair philosophers to theorize about EELS and about hypothetical solutions to our EELS problem. It's an entirely more difficult matter, however, when one considers that it equates non-cooperation and solitariness with individuality. But wait—as they say on late-night television infomercials—there's more: EELS has been making a ham-handed effort to show that the Eleventh Commandment is, "Thou shalt shove the nation towards hooliganism". I'm guessing that most people are starting to realize that such claims are a distortion of the truth and that we desperately need to combat these lies by maximizing our individual potential for effectiveness and success in combatting EELS. My goal for this letter was to launch an all-out ideological attack against the forces of statism. Know that I have done my best while trying always to bring EELS down a peg. Let an honest history judge.