June 25, 2005
It was hot, dark, and musty inside the carrier. With every bump, the piles of supplies inside shifted, slamming from side to side. Joe and David were
hard pressed to find anything to hold on to as the wretched pressure-cooker on wheels lurched down the ravine toward the highway.
"What the..." David screamed as can of ham and limas slammed against his temple after it came loose from the overhead storage bin.
"Hey!" the driver ejaculated. "Don't even think about using profanity in my carrier. I'm a BORN-AGAIN Christian and I don't want no cursin' in
this man's carrier."
"Alright, man! I wasn't gonna use no profanity. I don't never cuss, anyway. It's just this can of beans hit me in the head," David wailed over
"Neither one of us cuss, mister," Joe shouted in defense of his brother.
"That's excellent! I can see we're gonna get along real good. My names Jake. Jake the Snake!"
The driver was a round bald fellow with a red face and arms that looked like hairy sides of beef.
"Hey! Bring them beans up here!" Jake yelled over the roar of the engine and the shifting load.
David grabbed the can and stumbled through the boxes of gear between him and the driver's compartment.
"Tie that hatch to the bulkhead, will ya, so the thing don't hit ya in the head," Jake yelled. "And hand me that can of beans."
David handed him the can and tied the hatch to the bulkhead with the greasy length of cotton rope attached to the handle.
Jake began laughing so hard he was choking.
"What's so funny, Jake?" David yelled over the noise.
"This ain't a can of beans, kid."
"It says ham and limas right there on the can, can't you read?"
"Of course, I can read. Don't you know that a can of ham and limas ain't no can of beans! Where are you from?"
"Sacramento," David said, deepening his voice as he screamed to be heard.
"Well, let me tell you something, SA-CRA-MEN-TO! A can of ham and limas ain't no can of beans. It's an institution. You got that?", Jake screamed
as the belts in the engine compartment squealed like a corral full of stuck pigs.
"Sir, an institution, Sir! Sir, yes, Sir," David bellowed.
"You've got a good set of lungs, Sacramento, but don't get smart with me. I'm Jake the Snake and I'm your ticket back to the World. So be nice,
ya got that."
"Yes, sir," David said respectfully, knowing that Jake really was his only chance to live a normal life again.
"Good! Now look at this C-rat can. Millions of cans like this have fed millions of Marines who fought for freedom all over the world, from
dubya-dubya-two to Korea and all the way to Vietnam and beyond. You can bet yore behind that Ira Hayes ate a can of these on Mount Suribachi right
after he helped raise that flag on Iwo Jima."
"And not only that, but I've got two cases of these babies, that I bought offa e-bay, when it was still up and runnin'! You can't get these babies
anymore. I got the last of 'em. And let me tell you somethin' else. When these were in a case of C-rats, Marines would trade a carton of cigarettes
just to get a chance to eat those boogers COLD!. HA HA! COLD!
"I tell ya what, Sacramento! When we get to the base camp, I'll let YOU eat this can of ham and limas cold, just the way Chesty Puller ate 'em up
at the Frozen Chosin. Are you hungry?"
"No, sir," David lied.
"What happened to yore brother! I hope he didn't give up the ghost back there. What's his name?"
"Joe. My name's David."
"No it ain't! Yore name is SACRAMENTO! So, ya better come runnin' every time ya hear it or you'll find yore little BE-hind walkin' to the next
base camp. We've got a lotta miles to cover in the next week, so ya better get used this old buggy."
"There's the highway! Get yer brother up here quick. I've gotta lot to catch you two up on before we make camp tonight. GET UP HERE, JOE! MOVE IT,
MOVE IT, MOVE IT! BUT-TOCKS AND EL-BOWS! YEE-HAW!
[edit on 2005/7/10 by GradyPhilpott]