posted on Sep, 2 2010 @ 08:32 PM
She has never labelled herself gay or lesbian in emails to me. We are 2000 miles apart geographically, and now world's apart relation.
It seems that she cannot answer an email from me without adding a 'toxic' remark.
She was 5 when I was in a car crash that disabled me, and I am copying here a letter I now want to write to her, because her last email, today, was
again critical of me.
I was in my 2nd accident 17 months ago when a car hit me, while in my wheelchair. She never asks how I am.
She married at 20, a man who hated me, and last year at 45 she began a same-sex relationship, and I never criticized her. I said I was happy that she
was happy. She told me in January this year.
This is what I roughed out for her.
It spite of trying, it appears we will never think of one another as mother and daughter again.
When you were 12 and took the aspirin and I knew nothing until Dr. Phillips called me, I had no idea you were hurting badly. Your response to me when
we talked was that is was my disability. I suspect now you were totally confused over your sexual identity. That would appear to be the only sensitive
topic you didn’t come to me with, and appears to be the time you shut me out. That hurt me terribly and from that point I didn’t know what to do
as a mother. I will leave out all the rehashed details until you met G… and I know you told him terrible things about me, as he never treated me
with respect, and you followed suit when I asked you to please not marry him, that if it was real love it would last, and to please let me put you
University first. Your reply: ”I love him, and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to come”. You had never spoken to me with such hatred
It is obvious you told your friend C….. some terrible lies about me, and now I have to wonder what you told your children. They are my grandchildren
and I loved K… and M… to no end when Gus kicked me out. I never knew M… at all. Now K… and M…. of today have no memories of the fun we had.
You trusted them with me, 3 days a week, 7 hours a day. Now I don’t know all 3 of them, and I am not a grandmother when no grandchildren write.
I knew your marriage was terrible but you insisted you loved G... If it weren’t for that I would never have loaned the two of you the $55, 000.00
Then you apologized. I appreciated that, but I have learned that an apology means nothing if it is not followed up with changed behaviour. I still
saw very little of all of you, and still felt shut out of your lives.
Now that you are in a same sex relationship and finally in love, I accepted that as a given, and am happy you are happy, but you are still shutting me
out. What have you told L…l?
It seems that no matter what I say, you will find fault with it. That is very hurtful and toxic to me after all these years.
It is very hard to think of you as ‘my same daughter‘. My mind goes back to our happier times, and then switches now to a girl from Bible Camp
that you were so entranced with that you wrote her name on your bedroom wall, and nearly panicked when you were trying to switch stuffed animals with
her, one Christmas. You gave her the teddy bear that I had given you as a wee girl and that hurt. I never saw you sleep with the one you received in
return, that gray thing dressed in plaid…..and you never saw her again. My mind had to haul back what I was thinking.
You begged and begged for a puppy. My instinct was to say ‘No’ as I sensed what would happen and it did. The puppy, both of them, the first one
hit by a car and killed, as you took him off the leash, when I said to not do that, became my responsibility, then when I asked you help, you gave him
away without even saying so, until I noticed him was missing. You can be very cruel when it comes to me.
My accidents were some scheme in life that I never saw coming and I have had a lot to deal with, and still tried to be a good mother, but I failed.
And I don’t know exactly (cont'd)
[edit on 2-9-2010 by canadiansenior70]