posted on Aug, 30 2010 @ 10:03 PM
My name is Joel, but you can call me "RedBird" if you'd like. Before I get going, I'd like to let everyone know that it's taken a lot of courage
on my part to write this post. These things I'm going to be talking about are very personal in nature, and very revealing. I am a very private
person, and while I have previously told only my partner about this, I would now like to share it with a wider audience. The relative anonymity that
ATS provides (along with its generally accepting membership) makes it the perfect place for me to do this.
I dream almost every night. I almost always remember my dreams, and they are seldom meaningful. Not because they are mundane, but because they're
usually so surreal that it's hard to attach any meaning to them. Things just don't make sense. The locations and setting are often incomplete or
absurd, the characters are all bizarre combinations of people I know, nothing that happens makes any sense, and I always feel very "disembodied" as
though I'm watching myself in third person, or sitting back detached and just watching myself do and say things - seldom as if I was actually
I mention this only because the dreams I am about to talk about are not like this at all. They might start out as the usual random surreal dreams, but
once they start to get "real", things change, and I am instantly aware of it in a way that I am never otherwise aware in my dreams. This is when my
handlers visit me. I call them my handlers only because in a sort of tongue-in- cheek way, that's what they seem to me. Maybe they're more like
beings that have been "assigned" to me. I really don't know, and since I've never talked about it to anyone other than my partner, I've never
gotten much input on what they might be. There are two of them, one male and one female, and they have very different, but consistent, personalities.
I've never thought to give them names, and I won't bother now because I can't really think of a good name for either of them.
I don't think they're aliens, or angels, or "ascended masters", though I suppose they could be. I doubt it. They could be "aspects of myself",
but that doesn't feel right either. I suppose the most likely explanation is that they're nothing at all. Just my imagination. But they're
something enough that I feel compelled to talk about them, even though it's hard to do so. I understand that I'm being vague, but it's important
for me to get everything out in a certain order. I'd like to start with the very first dream in which I became aware of their presence. It happened
about 2 years ago:
I'm at work. I mean, (as Sarah Silverman might say) "It's not my work, but it's a room that's playing my work" you know what I mean? Everything
is subtly different, or askew. The ceiling isn't right. The store is the wrong size - all the dimensions are off. My co-workers are all caricatures
of themselves spliced with other people in my life, and etc. Most of my dreams are like this, and it's nothing unusual.
All of a sudden, there is a woman standing behind me. I feel her standing there, and turn. She's bright white, and it's hard to look at her. She's
tall. She has a very care-worn, serious face. Her voice is stern, but compassionate at the same time. She is real like no other person I have ever met
in any of my dreams. I am instantly afraid of her. And when I say "afraid", I don't mean the usual "afraid" of my dreams (where I'm either
running away and can't seem to make my legs move, or else I turn to confront them only to suddenly awake in a cold sweat) no, I'm afraid in a very
naked, present, way. She knows me, and I know that she knows me. I'm not who I tell people I am, or how I portray myself, but this woman sees right
through that and knows who I am. Now, I am a little ashamed of some parts of myself, and I have regrets, and secret shames that I've never
shared, but this woman knows all of that - and somehow I know that she knows.
I'm cowering behind the counter at work, very much present (as I so seldom am, either asleep or even awake) and very much afraid. And this woman is
standing there, looking at me. She asks me if I'm ready. She says it's time to wake up. I don't want to though, I'm afraid. I feel... I don't
really know, like a worker who's been caught napping? Like my vacation is over but I'm not ready to come back yet? I feel like I’ve been caught
“goofing off” when I had a very serious, important task I was supposed to be doing.
I tell her that I'm not ready. Some part of me wishes I was, but I know I'm not. I feel like a child again. She puts her hand on my cheek, smiles,
and says "I know." Then she is gone. I wake up, and when I do, I find myself in tears. My body is shaking, and there is a lump in the back of my
throat. I can still feel the tingle of the woman’s hand on my cheek. My partner is already awake, rubbing my back, and telling me it's OK. I want
to tell her what happened, but I can't - it's still too real. It will be months before I tell her about that dream, and long after I experience many
others much like it.
Not long after this dream, I started to experience others like it. In all of them I find myself in one of my usual dream settings, and then suddenly
she appears. Other times it’s a man who appears. Though I cannot really remember the first time I remember seeing him, he’s the one who visits me
most often now. I think he may have been present a few times with the woman before he ever visited me on his own. In contrast to the woman, who seems
almost spiritual (that’s the only way I could describe her presence) the man is very down to earth. He is plain in his look, speech, and mannerisms.
Tall, slim, and un-remarkable. I never see his eyes, as though he were wearing sun-glasses all the time, though I’m not sure that’s the case
either. He has a dry sense of humour, and seems dedicated to me, as opposed to the woman, who seems too important to be responsible for just one
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