I Don't Have Any Friends...

Stumbled on this on my way to bed. Friends are what happen while you're doing your goals.


I could keep going, but you get the idea.


One of my closest friends lived in the apartment building where I grew up, so it isn't really fair to the rest of the world that I got a "gimmie." On the other hand, another of my closest friends was in the death metal "Afflitus" that I ended up joining and I've stayed really close with him long after the band broke up.


So do you, and friends will come.

Your idea of finding "where reality is strongest" is a sound one, in that peoples perception of things that feel or even seem "more real" than others might be a starting point for any expansion on the idea.

For example: a birth (a new life, with innumerable possibilities ahead of it) would be something that "strenghthens" many peoples aspects of reality in this world ... whilst a death "hammers home" if you will, what is important to many peoples "value system".

Inbetween there are times in a life, and experiences, where things happen that "just don't feel real" and often bring about the phrase "this can't be happening!"

If matter, and therefore everything associated with it , IS in fact, just a form of energy. Then your idea could be a glimpse through a keyhole to understanding greater aspects of the universe if not the greatest...... And in this alone warrants a LOT of further thought.

You are definitely NOT alone, and as this thread has shown... friends show up in the wildest of places, and at the strangest of times.

your friend,
Pete.

reply to post by AProphet1233


I made you my friend dude. Lets chat through u2u sometime. You like conspiracies at all? I bet we can find something in common.

Originally posted by AProphet1233
I feel as if I am drifting through life as an anonymous specter, without a home and no family and no friends, a disconnected cipher alienated from the currents of reality,

And on my walk home I will wonder what other people are feeling as I pass them in the street, imagining what it would be like if they were my friends.

Hmm... is this a riddle? He who walks home yet who has no home.

PS -- If your loftiest aspiration is to mop floors then please keep it to yourself and don't ask if you're a loser.

Let me recommend an author/guru/mystic to you that you will find absolutely fascinating...His name is Osho.

Read his books!!! They will change your life!! Trust me!

Here is a response to a question on aloneness:

Question: You said the other day that we are born alone, we live Alone and we die alone. Yet it seems as if from the day we Are born, whatever we are doing, whoever we are, we Seek to relate to others; in addition, we are usually
Attracted to being intimate with one person in Particular. Would you please comment?

Osho: The question that you have asked is the question of every human being. We are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. Aloneness is our very nature, but we are not aware of it. Because we are not aware of it, we remain strangers to ourselves, and instead of seeing our aloneness as a tremendous beauty and bliss, silence and peace, at-easeness with existence, we misunderstand it as loneliness. Loneliness is a misunderstood aloneness. Once you misunderstand your aloneness as loneliness, the whole context changes.

Aloneness has a beauty and grandeur, a positivity; loneliness is poor, negative, dark, dismal. Everybody is running away from loneliness. It is like a wound; it hurts. To escape from it, the only way is to be in a crowd, to become part of a society, to have friends, to create a family, to have husbands and wives, to have children. In this crowd, the basic effort is that you will be able to forget your loneliness. But nobody has ever succeeded in forgetting it. That which is natural to you, you can try to ignore -- but you cannot forget it; it will assert again and again.

And the problem becomes more complex because you have never seen it as it is; you have taken it for granted that you are born lonely. The dictionary meaning is the same; that shows the mind of the people who create dictionaries. They don't understand at all the vast difference between loneliness and aloneness. Loneliness is a gap. Something is missing, something is needed to fill it, and nothing can ever fill it because it is a misunderstanding in the first place. As you grow older, the gap also grows bigger.

People are so afraid to be by themselves that they do any kind of stupid thing. I have seen people playing cards alone; the other party is not there. They have invented games in which the same person plays cards from both sides. Somehow one wants to remain engaged. That engagement may be with people, may be with work.... There are workaholics; they are afraid when the weekend comes close -- what are they going to do? And if they don't do anything, they are left to themselves, and that is the most painful experience.

You will be surprised to know that it is on the weekends that most of the accidents in the world happen. People are rushing in their cars to resort places, to sea beaches, to hill stations, bumper to bumper. It may take eight hours, ten hours to reach, and there is nothing for them to do because the whole crowd has come with them. Now their house, their neighborhood, their city is more peaceful than this sea resort. Everybody has come. But some engagement....

People are playing cards, chess; people are watching television for hours. The average American watches television five hours a day; people are listening to the radio... just to avoid themselves. For all these activities, the only reason is -- not to be left alone; it is very fearful. And this idea is taken from others. Who has told you that to be alone is a fearful state?

Those who have known aloneness say something absolutely different. They say there is nothing more beautiful, more peaceful, more joyful than being alone. But you listen to the crowd. The people who live in misunderstanding are in such a majority, that who bothers about a Zarathustra, or a Gautam Buddha? These single individuals can be wrong, can be hallucinating, can be deceiving themselves or deceiving you, but millions of people cannot be wrong. And millions of people agree that to be left to oneself is the worst experience in life; it is hell.

But any relationship that is created because of the fear, because of the inner hell of being left alone, cannot be satisfying. Its very root is poisoned. You don't love your woman, you are simply using her not to be lonely; neither does she love you. She is also in the same paranoia; she is using you not to be left alone. Naturally, in the name of love anything may happen -- except love. Fights may happen, arguments may happen, but even they are preferred to being lonely: at least somebody is there and you are engaged, you can forget your loneliness.

But love is not possible, because there is no basic foundation for love. Love never grows out of fear. You are asking, "You said the other day that we are born alone, we live alone and we die alone. Yet it seems as if from the day we are born, whatever we are doing, whoever we are, we seek to relate to others."

This seeking to relate to others is nothing but escapism. Even the smallest baby tries to find something to do; if nothing else, then he will suck his own big toes on his feet. It is an absolutely futile activity, nothing can come out of it, but it is engagement. He is doing something. You will see in the stations, in the airports, small boys and girls carrying their teddy bears; they cannot sleep without them. Darkness makes their loneliness even more dangerous. The teddy bear is a great protection; somebody is with them.

And your God is nothing but a teddy bear for grown-ups. You cannot live as you are. Your relationships are not relationships. They are ugly. You are using the other person, and you know perfectly well the other person is using you. And to use anybody is to reduce him into a thing, into a commodity. You don't have any respect for the person.

"In addition," you are asking, "we are usually attracted to being intimate with one person in particular."

It has a psychological reason. You are brought up by a mother, by a father; if you are a boy, you start loving your mother and you start being jealous of your father because he is a competitor; if you are a girl, you start loving your father and you hate your mother because she is a competitor. These are now established facts, not hypotheses, and the result of it turns your whole life into a misery.

The boy carries the image of his mother as the model of a woman. He becomes conditioned continuously; he knows only one woman so closely, so intimately. Her face, her hair, her warmth -- everything becomes an imprint. That's exactly the scientific word used: it becomes an imprint in his psychology. And the same happens to the girl about the father. When you grow up, you fall in love with some woman or with some man and you think, "Perhaps we are made for each other." Nobody is made for anyone.

But why do you feel attracted towards one certain person? It is because of your imprint. He must resemble your father in some way; she must resemble your mother in some way. Of course no other woman can be exactly a replica of your mother, and anyway you are not in search of a mother, you are in search of a wife. But the imprint inside you decides who is the right woman for you. The moment you see that woman, there is no question of reasoning. You immediately feel attraction; your imprint immediately starts functioning - - this is the woman for you, or this is the man for you.

It is good as far as meeting once in a while on the sea beach, in the movie hall, in the garden is concerned, because you don't come to know each other totally. But you are both hankering to live together; you want to be married, and that is one of the most dangerous steps that lovers can take. The moment you are married, you start becoming aware of the totality of the other person, and you are surprised on every single aspect -- "Something went wrong; this is not the woman, this is not the man" -- because they don't fit with the ideal that you are carrying within you.

And the trouble is multiplied because the woman is carrying an ideal of her father -- you don't fit with it. You are carrying the ideal of your mother -- she does not fit with it. That's why all marriages are failures. Only very rare marriages are not failures -- and I hope God should save you from those marriages which are not failures, because they are psychologically sick. There are people who are sadists, who enjoy torturing others, and there are people who are masochists, who enjoy torturing themselves.

If a husband and wife belong to these two categories, that marriage will be a successful marriage. One is a masochist and one is a sadist -- it is a perfect marriage, because one enjoys being tortured and one enjoys torturing. But ordinarily it is very difficult to find out in the first place whether you are a masochist or a sadist, and then to look for your other polarity.... If you are wise enough you should go to the psychologist and enquire who you are, a masochist or a sadist? and ask if he can give you some references which can fit with you.

Sometimes, just by accident, it happens that a sadist and masochist become married. They are the happiest people in the world; they are fulfilling each other's needs. But what kind of need is this? -- they are both psychopaths, and they are living a life of torture. But otherwise, every marriage is going to fail, for one simple reason: the imprint is the problem. Even in marriage, the basic reason for which you wanted to have the relationship is not fulfilled. You are more alone when you are with your wife than when you are alone.

To leave husband and wife in a room by themselves is to make them both utterly miserable. his whole effort -- whether of relationships or remaining busy in a thousand and one things -- is just to escape from the idea that you are lonely. And I want it to be emphatically clear to you that this is where the meditator and the ordinary man part. The ordinary man goes on trying to forget his loneliness, and the meditator starts getting more and more acquainted with his aloneness.

He has left the world; he has gone to the caves, to the mountains, to the forest, just for the sake of being alone. He wants to know who he is. In the crowd, it is difficult; there are so many disturbances. And those who have known their aloneness have known the greatest blissfulness possible to human beings -- because your very being is blissful. After being in tune with your aloneness, you can relate; then your relationship will bring great joys to you, because it is not out of fear.

Finding your aloneness you can create, you can be involved in as many things as you want, because this involvement will not anymore be running away from yourself. Now it will be your expression; now it will be the manifestation of all that is your potential. Only such a man -- whether he lives alone or lives in the society, whether he marries or lives unmarried makes no difference -- is always blissful, peaceful, silent. His life is a dance, is a song, is a flowering, is a fragrance. Whatever he does, he brings his fragrance to it.

But the first basic thing is to know your aloneness absolutely. This escape from yourself you have learned from the crowd. Because everybody is escaping, you start escaping. Every child is born in a crowd and starts imitating people; what others are doing, he starts doing. He falls into the same miserable situations as others are in, and he starts thinking that this is what life is all about. And he has missed life completely.

So I remind you, don't misunderstand aloneness as loneliness. Loneliness is certainly sick; aloneness is perfect health.

Ginsberg visits Doctor Goldberg. "Ja, you are sick."
"Not good enough. I want another opinion."
"Okay," said Doctor Goldberg, "you are ugly too."
We are all committing the same kinds of misunderstandings continually.

I would like my people to know that your first and most primary step towards finding the meaning and significance of life is to enter into your aloneness. It is your temple; it is where your God lives, and you cannot find this temple anywhere else. You can go on to the moon, to Mars....

Once you have entered your innermost core of being, you cannot believe your own eyes: you were carrying so much joy, so many blessings, so much love... and you were escaping from your own treasures. Knowing these treasures and their inexhaustibility, you can move now into relationships, into creativity. You will help people by sharing your love, not by using them. You will give dignity to people by your love; you will not destroy their respect. And you will, without any effort, become a source for them to find their own treasures too.

Whatever you make, whatever you do, you will spread your silence, your peace, your blessings into everything possible. But this basic thing is not taught by any family, by any society, by any university. People go on living in misery, and it is taken for granted. Everybody is miserable, so it is nothing much if you are miserable; you cannot be an exception. But I say unto you: You can be an exception. You just have not made the right effort.

reply to post by AProphet1233


I'm not one to mix words and sometimes one has to be cruel to be kind.

I find little logic in your original post on this thread. You are too serious about life yet seek the comfort of strangers in front of a keyboard for attention to the fact that you allege you no friends. Friendship is one of those truely amazing gifts; you get what you give. We only live once in this life, now either you want to just watch and pass it by or get off your high horse, go forth and challenge yourself to the many possibilies out there. Everyone has a story to tell and believe me there are far more people worse off than you out there. Geez, there are orphans in Africa and other poor nations that barely even get a bowl of rice a day, people with no roof over their heads and no food let alone clean water; they live for only a moment and if they are lucky they are blessed with a whole new day or perhaps a week. Many of them have no friends, no family, they just survive from day to day hoping the next one is better than the last. These people would do anything to get one foot in our door, free of any tyranny to escape the ruthlessness of their own people and their dispicable govts, just to have a chance at life to find a little job, a roof over their heads, food in their mouths and even ONE friend will do.

You want a friend? Be one yourself. We are all dreamers but there's that sneeky thing that creeps up on us and it's called REALITY. There's a time to dream but for the most part we have to come down to earth and take responsibility of ourselves and our fellow man and woman. We are not all callous and a majority of people are decent and have compassion - but you've got to help yourself first.

Alot of good advice on these threads....so what are you going to do about it????

....

....A loner(or a loser...) is only a loner until he/she unites with minds alike...

...

...

There are friends & there are acquaintances...I purposely seperated from a lot of friends who became or were acquaintances from the beginning..man I have a short tolerance for ignorance & those fueled with &/or spreading hate...but that's the prime example of what our modern society today brews.

I don't regret my choice.

I don't need to speak about friends you should cherish...you'll know & if you don't have any at the moment, you will eventually. That's all there is to it .

[edit on 1-9-2010 by la vie]

I already was in a situation similar, but not quite as depressing as yours. I do believe my advice could help you though, as I feel you, and I think I can point you somehow in the right direction (at least hopefully).

A little background - I was the nerd kind when I was young, really into science and studying and what not, then when my interest in girls came around, I concentrated my mind on that, and starting from being unattractive and more of the nerd guy at the beginning of high school, I have pretty much what I want now, a few (one or two) really close friends, a group of friends I go out with regularly, and a bunch of friends on the sides I go out with occasionally.

Now to the actual advice - first about the mindset. Ideally, you should be all outgoing and jolly and approachable, enough so that anyone would be willing to talk to you just because of the vibe you project and the good mood you project, basically a form of charisma. Having that, you can easily make friends almost anywhere, but not really - as you don't want to look like you're actually trying, or else you'll end up looking needy, so you need a context in which it is natural to approach others.

This is why I think the first thing you should do is join a few community clubs, or better yet, if you're at school, a few groups, study groups, or interest groups. There you will have the perfect occasion to just talk with others and make friends, and one day, maybe even the first day, you'll likely end up making plans and seeing each other outside of the meeting, and there you go - friends (yay).

In your situation though, I think the biggest barrier will be to overcome your initial status - having no friends to begin with, so you cannot be all charismatic and happy and jolly just like that. So what I suggest is at the beginning of the day, before heading outside, to just pour your heart out and admit to yourself where you're at - you have no friends, you feel lonely, but you really want to make some friends. Know where you stand, and know where you want to be. Trust me, it will put you at ease, at least just for the fact that you're honest with yourself. You won't be stressed anymore because you don't have any friends, you'll just feel empty but at peace.

So yeah, quick resume - join interest groups, admit to yourself your current situation (sort of like meditation) and where you want to be, and remember... life actually makes so that you do get what you want, as long as you really want it.. so know what you want, don't be afraid of wanting it, and go get it!

-AT

Daniel Day Lewis has always been one of my favorite people.....and actor.
He makes the screen, come Alive for the Right reasons.

His role in 'There will be Blood'.....Is.....understood.
U understand.....or not.

If Not, good luck.....



[edit on 1-9-2010 by Perseus Apex]

reply to post by AProphet1233


I'll be your friend.... I get what you mean by walking in the street and imagining that you know people, as Ive had that exact feeling. It's like your not there, as if everything is moving at fast pace and your in slow motion observing. Like there's all sound around, but your world is still and quiet.

reply to post by zara_bow


I would like to speak about 'that' later.
To 'Be' in motion.
It makes 'that' difference.

Time to sleep.

reply to post by AProphet1233


You make your own realityy. Im sorry to hear you consider yourself a loner, but if you really wanted to change you would do it.
Simple as that.

Much love though. and ill be your friend.

one love.

reply to post by AProphet1233


Ah thanks, your brilliance shines.

Originally posted by airspoon
If you have nobody to tie you down, maybe you should go on an adventure, like backpacking through Europe or Asia. Get lost in African villages, helping the poor. Not only will you make lots of friends on an adventure such as those listed, but it will also give your life purpose, while broadening your horizons. Go spin your wheels and live life to the fullest.

If it is cost you are worrying about, worry no longer as it isn't that expensive and you can pick up odd jobs here in there to pay for hostiles. If you are volunteering to help the poor, I'm sure that the village/orginaztion you wind up in, will cover most costs.

When someone is alone for a while, they tend to lose socializing skills, which in turn makes it harder for them to make friends. If you were to go on an adventure, such as backpacking in Europe or volunteering in Asia, Africa or LatAm, you would quickly regain those socialization skills and people will once again be attracted to you. More importantly, yout self esteem should skyrocket, which will ultimately help you with socialization.

Anyway, that's what I would do if I was in your shoes.

--airspoon

[edit on 30-8-2010 by airspoon]

I have always wanted to do something like this, but.. how? I have no money. Odd jobs are hard to find (at least around here). I used to be quite wealthy but all projects pulled out and got laid off with no compensation. Been out of work for 1 1/2 years now. I used to smoke, but due to no money, I don't smoke anymore. If there are any groups I could volunteer at and adventure out and help others, that would be great. Every job I've ever had I was the company's top employee. So I know I would be perfect for something like this. Always wanted to be on an adventure. Currently I have 3 cars, but each one of them have broken down and/or are unsafe to drive so I have no transportation either. After I got laid off, I lost my house as well, so currently I don't even have a home. So it would be very easy for me to leave. I just want to know if there is some way I could get in contact with someone to get me going helping others... then again.. I guess since I can't help myself, how can I help others right? hmm.. I just stumped myself there... Mind the oddness of my reply, as I have a very racing mind and I tend to type it as it goes. Let me try this again, I am 26 years old and have nothing holding me back to adventure out across the world and do volunteer work, but how do I get this going?

I feel the same way. Im a loser too, but i dont care because in the end we all die alone. So i guess im getting myself use to this early?

There is no "loser", no such thing. You can be an observer, its good to feel lonely and bad sometimes, as bad as it may feel.

Hey join the club, im sure where tons of loners out there, trying to manage through one more day, i just take them 1 day at a time, no reason to stress for tommorow or yesterday, i have a family and a good job, i am a nice person, i try to listen to others and try to conect, but it aint working too good, i used to live in my head, my brain always going a mile a minute, now i found after all these years a spiritual conection, and no i dont mean i a born again christian, i found a friendly place in time or space, where i can absorb the good of the world and get out the yucky ehheeh in my life, it took a long time but it surely has saved my life, i have stoped looking for what wasent there and left life live out its course.

try to listen to your heart, not your head, its usualy your ego putting impossible barriers infront of you.

If you can see the light with your eyes closed, then you will see your path

I have a few friends ...

But I've lived life pretty hard I suppose.

People like new toys, but when people *do* talk to me they seem to like me. Maybe I'm just intimidating or have too many tattoos. Maybe I hit the gym too much or not enough?

I've never worked it out, but I'm certainly not approachable.

Read a lot of posts in this thread, and I'm sure we've all felt a bit this way. What we can do about it? I don't know. I've had brief periods of popularity followed by longer periods of being a loner my whole life, and I worry that I'll probably pass away in a bed on my own with perhaps one person with me at most.

A few of my very dear friends and relatives have gone out this way and it's one of my greatest fears.

Life is pretty crap if you think about it too much! So I try not to. Eat healthy, do things you want to, ask the person out across from you ... hell they were probably going to ignore you anyway!

And I wish I could address more of these posts individually, but not much time I guess. I wish well to all of you even the ones I disagree with.





[edit on 1-9-2010 by Pinke]

Prophets usually don't have friends. Quit your day job dude, and you too could have friends.

Everyone goes through rough periods in their lifetime, some more than others, but you'll get on top again. But with these lonely periods, life can seem to be filled with despair and depression, in the end though, this is what makes you smarter, stronger and a robust guy with personality and character. Not to mention valuable life experience that a lot of people can't fathom, but the people that understand this - they will recognize you and become your friend.