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The Twilight Zone: On The Sudden Remembrance of Love Lost

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posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 01:21 AM
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Damned FaceBook... God dammit to hell.

When my wife introduced me to the "social networking" site, FaceBook, several months ago, in early 2010, I was at first intriqued and moderately alarmed with the forgotten souls that came leering out of the mists of time to greet me. It was very like a near-death experience. People whom I literally have not seen in 40 years emerged before my eyes. Some were dear and forgotten friends, others complete strangers.

It took me a few months to adjust — I felt as though my brain had been peeled open like a rotten banana, and underqualified Nazi physicians were prodding the gray matter with crude electrodes in a macabre experiment to activate long-dead memory circuits.

Heh. Nice visual.

Then, just as I was settling rather comfortably into the routine of torture, the unexpected hit me broadside. It was a T-bone collision, for certain.

A week ago, I established contact with my old love — my first true love, really — from college in the late 70s. She's been married for over two decades, has a wonderful husband and marvelous children and a very happy life. She has weathered the ravages of time virtually unscathed — she's still a knockout, as though she's only recently emerged from a Revlon Time Capsule.

We exchanged cautious and courteous pleasantries, as would two old friends meeting at an airport following three decades of absence. I mean, basically, we're complete strangers all over again, right?

Then, quite without warning or forethought, I called her by our old lovers' nickname. It's an innocuous but very personal name that conjured up an epic memory of inimacy for both of us. It was spontaneous, as I said. I didn't expect it at all, my subconscious just BLURTED it out.

There was a LONG silence, long in real time, not just long in cyber-time. I frantically bludgeoned myself over the head with a ball-peen hammer (figuratively speaking).

Finally, I saw the words "You remembered" appear in the instant message window.

I lied, "I could never forget." But, apparently, it wasn't a lie.

I immediately apologized for this brash and all-too-personal lapse of decorum. A happily-married man doesn't just address a happily-married woman after three long decades by the private nickname we once used for one another when making love, okay. It's completely inappropriate.

But, in the very moment of apologizing, I called her by the nickname again. It was just MANIFESTING in my replies, beyond my conscious efforts to rebury it.

Very pleasantly, very kindly, she answered, "I'm not embarrassed." Then we wished each other well and signed off.

But we've written again since then, and she even called my cell yesterday — and the nickname slipped out again, as we spoke. I felt weak when I realized that I couldn't control it, and I felt even weaker when I realized something else.

After thirty years, I'm still in love with my first love. Like, DEEPLY in love.

It never diminished over the years, although I tried my damnedest to poison it and kill it and hide the body in the darkest recesses of my heart. It not only survived but had grown, there in the darkness, as I recklessly tore through the decades with no real comparable commitment to anyone...until I met my wife, of course.

In this respect, although I'm very much like my father's rough-ass and indestructible side of the family, I'm very much like my mother. My father died young and unexpectedly, when he was 49 and my mother was 47, over 30 years ago — but, to my Mom, there would never be anyone else in her life. To my mother, the commitment to "love you forever" was not just a teenage platitude. It was a soulful declaration of permanence.

And, it seems, I'm cursed with the capacity for neverending love, as well.

Of course, I'm not really in an emotional quandary, I'm not chewing my nails and wondering how I should proceed. I'm not a kid. I have, after all, three solid decades of experience in suppressing my feelings. There may be a raging monster in my brain and a fire in my heart, but I locked the monster down and contained the fire long ago.

This long-term damage control has served me well for many years, has made me a stronger person — certainly made me a HARDER person, I know that.

So much so that I know I can contain this recent revelation and hold it in check for the remainder of my life. It's sad, I suppose, to know that what MIGHT HAVE BEEN is forever lost, and I just have to live with it. Still, without that loss so long ago, I wouldn't be the person I am today, and I may have missed the most important relationship I've ever known with my wife.

— Doc Velocity







[edit on 8/7/2010 by Doc Velocity]




posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 01:32 AM
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Ah my friend, the ex-girlfriend reappearance, thank the Lord for the internet!! Gone are the days when exes were just fleetingly random "what if's" that appeared in our heads from time to time.

I love that you have some good ol' fashioned values, respect your wife, your life and are in control. That is a rare thing nowadays mate.

I tend to look at the past when the future seems bleak. This isn't your case obviously. There's a fantastic Frazier episode where he hooks up with the beauty queen/head cheerleader from when he was in high school. Needless to say, the princess doesn't turn out to be everything his brain imagined her to be. How many times do men throw their family, career, life down the pan chasing a distorted view of an ex or woman, based on flawed data derived from "what used to be".

Mate, I wish you all the luck, you sound like you have the handle on this, are pursuing friendship and have got common sense.

My dad chose the other route, but that's life mate.

All the best, Kiwi







[edit on 7-8-2010 by kiwifoot]



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 01:40 AM
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I'm taken aback, nay, I'm appalled that she even HAS your cell phone number. 30 years in between or no, first love, lost love, reunited love, a Facebook wall is one thing, a facebook instant message is another, an exchange of cell phone numbers between two married people who still hold feelings for each other is an entirely different ball of wax.

I'm not doubting your love for your wife, and I'm not doubting these rediscovered feelings can once again be suppressed. I do, however, believe that out of respect for the spouses, there should be no more phone calls.

But maybe that's just me.



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 01:41 AM
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There is nothing wrong with still loving your old partners.

There are many types of love. I would still be there for a lot of my ex-s in a heartbeat if they really needed me, but I wouldn't contemplate leaving my current partner for any of them.



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 01:41 AM
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Yes, I understand that this damnable Information Superhighway is plowing straight through centuries of human psychology like a demolition derby, reopening memories and relationships and powerful emotions that we USUALLY bag and bury in the backs of our subconscious.

I understand that mine is not an isolated case.

BTW, I posted this here because Psychology is the only forum that seemed appropriate. If it needs to be somewhere else, please let me know.

Now, pardon me while I dig out my old 45 record of the 1970s favorite, "I Wear My Heart On My Sleeve"...


Ah, college days.

— Doc Velocity



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 01:48 AM
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Originally posted by Layla
I'm taken aback, nay, I'm appalled that she even HAS your cell phone number.

Well, we weren't just ships passing in the night in college, okay? We were going to be MARRIED, until things spun completely out of control after three years. We were very, VERY committed to one another, and I'll admit, I destroyed our relationship because I was young and dumb and full of cum.

She wanted to hear my voice. And I wanted to hear hers. We couldn't just relegate our reunion to a 2-dimensional electronic bulletin board. How impersonal and pretentious is that?

Now, I tell you, if I was booking a flight to go meet her, THAT would be dangerous. Because, you see, I have no trouble booking flights to go confront people. That's how I met my wife in person for the first time — before that, we were Internet acquaintances.

I'm the kind of guy who, if I say I'm coming to your doorstep, I'll arrive on your doorstep promptly.

— Doc Velocity




[edit on 8/7/2010 by Doc Velocity]



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 01:52 AM
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reply to post by Doc Velocity
 


that is a very well articulated story, and caught my attention from the get go, as i can definatley relate to the whole of your feelings about the facebook and manifesting cyber-ego into our society.

rhetoric like this is why added you to my friends list. i like the way you share your thoughts.

it is nice that you got to be re-acquanted with your first love.

when reading through the first half of the openning post i had similiar thoughts of "this is your life".

hopefully the internet conversations and the history you share will transcend into a friendship that is a unique thing for you both. i have such a friendship with a woman who is happily married with two great children. we were more than just an item nearly 20 years ago, but we have a unique and real affinity for eachother. we just enjoy eachothers company, conversations, and make eachother feel better about ourselves.

i say if it makes you happy, enjoy the love and friendship you have, and enjoy the fruit of a seed the two of you planted in eachother a few decades back.

great story & thanks for sharing,
et



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 01:56 AM
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I can definitely understand the feeling. When I first got onto facebook I say faces and names that I hadn't thought about in over twenty years. People that I had been very close too in school but, because of moving half way across the country, had lost contact with. Old girlfriends showed up as well.

One thing that comes to mind is how our culture has changed over the years but, in an odd way, is coming back in a different way. The times that my parents grew up in was a time when people grew up and lived in a limited area for most of their lives. They had contact with those people that they grew up with so they were able to assimilate the changes in those people as they all grew together. These days, with so many people moving away from their home towns and seeding the nation that process has not been allowed to take place. We have memories of people from when we were younger with nothing from the intervening time period to give us a modern reference.

What I'm getting at is that you may still be in love with the idea of your first love but that first love has changed. You may be filtering your perceptions of her through that memory and seeing what you want to see. If you guys had a good relationship when you were younger, then you would most likely be able to create a good friendship today. Just don't mistake those memories for reality of today.



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 02:22 AM
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Doc,

If I recall correctly, you recently had a relatively close brush with your own Mortality, a stroke, wasn't it?

If I may relate, several years ago I suffered a massive heart attack.

Although I recovered fully, within just a few weeks it seemed (I'm a bit of an onery cuss when it comes to such inconveniences) the experience did leave me with a lasting "scar";


I rediscovered the absolute preciousness of the joys I'd had experienced in my life, and had all but forgotten.

It is as if I have finally learned to savour all the wonderful things I've experienced.



Perhaps you are experiencing a similar "re-awakening"?


Maybe this is, in some way, Life or Fate's way of compensating those of us who have looked, however briefly, into the Abyss of Eternity for the fear and discomfort that glimpse might have caused?



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 02:26 AM
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Originally posted by soontide
What I'm getting at is that you may still be in love with the idea of your first love but that first love has changed. You may be filtering your perceptions of her through that memory and seeing what you want to see. If you guys had a good relationship when you were younger, then you would most likely be able to create a good friendship today. Just don't mistake those memories for reality of today.

Astute, my friend. Gold star.

I'm not going to drag you all through a diatribe of "what makes Doc Velocity tick," because even I haven't figured THAT one out. Suffice to say that I've always been the dangerous one in my relationships, and my partners have always acted as stabilizers, counterbalancing my rogue nature.

When I partnered with other rogues — which happened more than once, because we intensely admired each other's roguishness — the sparks REALLY flew, mountain ranges crumbled, whole civilizations fell in the carnage that ensued. Heh... Boy, those were the days. Don't wanna go back there.

But the true love was something I wasn't expecting. I mean, before I reestablished contact with this lady (who was the PERFECT counterbalance to my nature at the time), I thought that I had screwed up a really beautiful relationship and had hurt a really beautiful person and that I was an ass hole and that I was over it. End of story. A terrible mistake in the distant past that was officially flatlined.

I didn't know that I'd just concealed that love from myself. I really had no idea that I was still so much in love with her until I started blurting out our lovers' nickname involuntarily.



— Doc Velocity





[edit on 8/7/2010 by Doc Velocity]



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 02:35 AM
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Originally posted by Bhadhidar
Maybe this is, in some way, Life or Fate's way of compensating those of us who have looked, however briefly, into the Abyss of Eternity for the fear and discomfort that glimpse might have caused?

I am with you on this all the way. Yes, the stroke marked a new beginning for a LOT of things. For Godsake, I came out of the hospital, wrote and published a book in a month, then tore into the corruption in our community like Wolverine's older and meaner brother. Hey, a LOT has happened in this year, and my mind has really been expanded in unexpected ways.

Fortunately, I'm in control of it. Damn, can you imagine the caliber of disaster if I was NOT in control of my emotions? It would be like Spock going bonky during Pon Farr — Katie bar the door!

— Doc Velocity



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 03:16 AM
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I feel your pain... I have a good story to tell, but unlike You, I won't express it here. U2U me for the details



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 04:18 AM
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Originally posted by Doc Velocity
Damned FaceBook... God dammit to hell.

When my wife introduced me to the "social networking" site, FaceBook, several months ago, in early 2010, I was at first intriqued and moderately alarmed with the forgotten souls that came leering out of the mists of time to greet me. It was very like a near-death experience. People whom I literally have not seen in 40 years emerged before my eyes. Some were dear and forgotten friends, others complete strangers.

It took me a few months to adjust — I felt as though my brain had been peeled open like a rotten banana, and underqualified Nazi physicians were prodding the gray matter with crude electrodes in a macabre experiment to activate long-dead memory circuits.


I thank you so much for putting into words, what I have felt since opening a FB account a few months ago. It is a love/mostly hate relationship because it is dredging back all these memories that I thought I had long forgotten and feelings that I had long believed to be resolved.

There are people in our lives, that will always do something for us, that no one else will ever touch. That doesn't mean that we are going to leave our spouses or have affairs. It does mean that the parts that they helped to nurture and set ablaze can flex their muscles and sometimes it feels good to flex those muscles, and sometimes its painful.
That's what being alive is all about: learning, growing, and feeling.



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 07:15 AM
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Beautiful and recognizable story.

I'm have not even lived as long as 3 decades but I can tell you that my first true love occasionally pops up, in my head and in reality. Whenever that happens, I must admit that my love for her has never disappeared at all. It has even grown stronger.

I'll have to add that it is a love without jealousy and I'm happy she has turned out to be happily married with a nice guy. I would however not make the same mistakes I've made, if I could re-live my time with her again, now I realize my love didn't diminish over time. I would do whatever it takes to consolidate our relation and make it last.

Why oh why do we have to be young and stupid, before we get to learn and understand a little... ?



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 07:39 AM
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reply to post by Doc Velocity
 


When finishing your confession I felt compelled to give you advice. Take it however you want.

You are right in deciding not to pursue those feelings. You are right in all your evaluation of this rare situation of yours. But, you failed to make closer, I think. Because, you made it clear that you will sometimes ponder with the 'what if' scenario. Wake up...there is no what if with her. You are with exactly who you are suppose to be with.

As a woman, I must impress the fact that if you don't put closer on your first love it will cause a ripple in your marriage emotionally. Start counting your blessings and have no regrets! Selah!



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 07:43 AM
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reply to post by Esoteric Teacher
 


Sorry Doc, but you are encouraging a man to have an emotional relationship with his first love, don't forget to remind him to include the wife.



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 07:46 AM
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I was under the impression that by definition love is eternal. desire and lust are fleeting.


 
Posted Via ATS Mobile: m.abovetopsecret.com
 



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 07:47 AM
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Originally posted by Doc Velocity

Originally posted by Bhadhidar

Fortunately, I'm in control of it. Damn, can you imagine the caliber of disaster if I was NOT in control of my emotions? It would be like Spock going bonky during Pon Farr — Katie bar the door!

— Doc Velocity


So you are not going to pursue an emotional relationship with this lady? Meaning...have regular talks more than say...once a year and maybe twice on a birthday. Dude, if you are not including your wife in this whole exchange of you and your first love, you are being emotionally unfaithful and can become a block between your wife and you. Don't leave her out of anything and even tell her your feelings for your first love. She will understand and you will have nothing to hide.



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 10:05 AM
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reply to post by Doc Velocity
 



S & F, because I feel this is an area of discussion which will press buttons for quite a few people - and is relevent, very, given technology which was undreamed of back when your first love and you were coining that pet name


I've seen similar threads in various fora and maybe it's a surprise, maybe not, but the majority of posters were male

Doc, I'll be frank. Not much point posting otherwise. Don't mean to offend or raise your hackles and certainly no wish here to provoke you into responding. We've always got along well, here on ATS and I admire the topics you put forth


There's an unspoken rule. We don't like rules, as a rule, do we ? Most of like to think of ourselves as the exception. And in cases like this, we're usually confident we have it ALL under control. And we do. Until we don't ...

Cannot count the number of times I've heard people say, sometimes in a bit of a superior tone, ' Oh, we're just friends. Old friends. I'd never let it get out of control. I love my spouse and would never hurt him/her. And my newly discovered lost-love feels the same way. If I thought it could ever get out of control, I wouldn't be in contact with them (lost love, newly discovered). I have too much to lose and so does he/she. No, it's just a friendship. A deep one. The feelings we had for each other were too great, wonderful, meaningful, special, extraordinary, epic, etc., to simply stop when we parted. What I had with him/her will be with us for the rest of our lives, no matter where we go or to whom we're married. Our great love matured over the years and now we're just very, very close and good friends '


They continue: ' You know, since regaining contact with my lost-love, I find my relationship with my wife/husband has deepened, grown, improved. I think that's because I feel complete now, since regaining contact with my lost-love. The emptiness that I used to feel, is no longer there. The remnants of guilt and regret have been wiped away too. My lost love and I have discussed it and we feel the same way. We'd both been carrying around a locked and empty room in our hearts, ever since we parted. My husband/wife used to say there was a part of me they could never reach. Well, now that's gone. Getting in contact with my lost-love opened the door to that locked room. That room is filled with sunshine now and because of that, I'm even closer to my wife/husband and children '

They conclude: ' Just because we get married doesn't mean we don't and can't have feelings for someone else. Marriage isn't supposed to be a jail. Sure, yes -- of course I feel something akin to love for my lost-love. That will never die. But my lost-love and I would never hurt our spouses. We're simply close friends now. And we can discuss things that we couldn't discuss with our spouses -- or anyone else for that matter. We click. We always did. And it's even better now, because we bring years of experience and maturity to our relationship '

So you ask them, ' Can you see yourself ever getting back together with your lost love ? '

They laugh as if to say to you, ' You haven't understood a word I've said. It's because you're incapable of understanding the specialness of what my lost-love and I share. How typical that someone lacking the capacity to understand what I have, would state the obvious about me getting back with my lost love. I'm wasting my time explaining this to you. It's beyond your capacity to grasp what a deep, man-woman friendship means. Why do you people always have to reduce things to the physical .. to sex ? '

' But let's say the unthinkable hapens and you and your wife/husband broke up ? Or if your lost-love left his or her wife, for instance ? Or if either one of your spouses died ? Would you reignite your relationship with your lost love then ? I mean, these things happen. Don't tell me you haven't daydreamed about it ? '

They get testy then and say, ' Well that's not going to happen, so there's no point talking about it. I told you, it's a deep friendship, nothing more. We know the boundaries and the good part is, we both know niether of us would ever cross those boundaries ... that's what makes it all possible '

' Uh huh ', you say, ' So -- have you told your wife/husband about it ? '

'About what ? There's nothing to tell. My spouse has his/her friends and I have mine. We don't live in each other's pockets. We're adults, not kids. I respect his/her privacy and he/she respects mine. I could tell my wife/husband about it - we have no secrets from each other. We have a strong marriage. Just as my wife/husband could tell me anything. I just don't feel it's necessary. I told you, it's just a friendship, nothing more '


' So you wouldn't mind if your wife/husband was in regular contact with one of their old loves ? You'd be ok with that ? '

' Of course - that's what I just said. My wife/husband probably is in contact with several old flames. But I trust him/her. In the same way they trust me. That's what mariage is all about '

' So are you going to tell your wife/husband about this relationship you have with your lost-love ? I mean it's part of your life, so don't you think you should tell him/her ? '

' I've already mentioned it ... weeks ago '

' Did you tell him/her that you're in phone contact with your BIG lost love ? '

Responses to that one vary. Often, they lie. Or, they say, ' It was only two phone calls . It was a bit of a joke between us, really. We just wanted to find out if each other's voices were the way we'd remembered them to be, over the years '. Or they say, ' We dared each other to hear each other's voices. It was just a joke and we only did it once. It won't be happening again. No need '.

'So why not tell your wife/husband about it then ? '

'Because if I did, it would be making a much bigger deal of it than it actually was. It was just a phone call. Just a brief 'hello, nice to hear you again' sort of thing '

'So it's a secret then ? Come on, it is. You're keeping it from your wife/husband '

' If it's a secret .. and I don't regard it as such ... then it's a small one. And not something that's going to harm my marriage. I told you, getting in touch with my lost-love has enhanced and strengthened my marriage, if anything '

' Do you think you'll ever have a face-to-face meeting with your lost love ? Do you want to ? '

They pretend to think about if for a moment - as if it's a novel idea.
' I wouldn't mind meeting him/her again. Just for a drink and a bit of a chat. If the opportunity came along, that is. Sure, it would be great to see them and catch up on old times '

' If he/she asked you to meet them in person -- would you ? Even if you had to lie about it to your husband/wife ? '

' Um .. I'd have to think about that. Oh well ... why not. Sure '

' You want to meet up with you lost love in person, don't you ? Come on, be honest '

Again, they prevaricate, but the expression on their face gives them away, ' I think you're making too much of this, you know. As I've explained, it's a cyber friendship. We're good friends. We're both married with a family - we're not wild kids anymore. I know what you're implying and it's just not true. If my lost-love told me she/he felt we should end our cyber relationship, for whatever reason, I'd accept that. You might find it strange, but it's enough for me to have been back in contact with him/her. It's as if the missing pieces have fallen into place. I could go on my way without any further contact between us and still be happy, because the old wounds have healed, for both of us, now we've been able to talk. And we love our spouses and would never hurt them '

'You haven't answered the question. Would you like to meet up with your lost-love ? Do you think about doing so ? Often ? Do you daydream about it ? Have you and your lost-love discussed it, even as a joke ? '

' Look, this is the realm of fantasy .... '

' DO you ? '

A moment's hestitation, then, ' Yes. Is that what you want to hear ? Yes, I would. Why not ? It's natural. We were deeply in love. That doesn't go away, ever. So yes I'd like to see him/her. Of course. But I won't. Not because there would be anything wrong with it. But because I won't ever unnecesarily hurt my spouse. And nor would my lost-love hurt his/her spouse. If we could meet occasionally without risking hurting anyone else, then we would. And why not ? Don't you meet up with old friends from the past ? Isn't it a natural thing for people to do ? But I take my responsibilities seriously and wouldn't do anythying that could remotely upset my spouse, innocent though it would be. Ok ? '

' Bet you do '

'What !

'Bet you do. I'll bet you have a face to face meet up with them '

' Go away ! '



posted on Aug, 7 2010 @ 10:34 AM
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Well, in my case. my wife has known all along about ALL of my past romances. We're writers. Yeah, she knows about me talking to my old flame. We've had some rather serious discussions about it, another one this morning, as a matter of fact. And we always arrive at the same conclusion — that I'm carrying around my own time capsule, and I've been using it like a nuclear power supply for the last 30 years.

Yeah. I mean, it's obvious that I re-routed the power and put it to other uses. Subconsciously, yeah, I knew I was still in love with her, but so what? I sublimated it, turned it into a slingshot dragster and burned down the tires for three decades. I was always good with hot rods.

My wife understands all of this. She knows the whole story. There are no secrets in our marriage, and we never fight, believe it or not. That's why I MARRIED my wife and not the girl from college a million years ago.


Would I ever actually go meet this dripping-hot MILF after 30 years? Abso-fekking-lutely NOT, because we'd be all over each other like monkies in a Volkswagen. Like matter and anti-matter colliding, it would be an annihilation event... The gamma radiation alone would scorch half the planet.

No thanks. As I've said many times in the past, I have a rule of thumb that still applies, even to long-lost loves: One night of rocket-powered sex aint worth a lifetime of baggage.

And you may quote me.


— Doc Velocity







[edit on 8/7/2010 by Doc Velocity]




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