What sort of true feelings make a good relationship?

This is not about me it's about someone I love and raised to be a kind loving person to treat others with respect and equal.

One day I knew my daughter would find a man she would like to marry.. She met this guy and has Known this man for over 2 years and she has given her all to this guy .. he hardly ever worked throughout this entire time. Now he has tried to land a job but times are hard and jobs are just not out there. So basically she has footed the bill for him out of her money she gets for her and her two children.
Recently he landed a job and has only been working like 3 weeks .. he always promised to help her out when he got a job to sort of make up for all the times she took care of him..

You know she paid the rent and bills did his laundry bought all the extras he wanted like mouth wash and tooth paste his deodorant excreta.
Well now school is ready to start and she needs money to get her son ready for school. This job he had started out as a third shift job and he wanted to get on first shift well that’s what he wanted and the job place put him on first shift that was all good .. But last night he went to bed around 11pm had to be up at 5am to get to work and he said he was just to tired to go in and didn’t go in. Guess what he lost his job.

So now all the money she counted on to finally give her some relief of paying for everything has come to a halt. She so counted on that extra money he promised her and now the those promises are just dust in the wind.
She even went out and bought a modem so that she could finally be online, so she could take some online college courses..

The real complaint she has going on right now is that he told her just recently that his money is his .. he went out and earned it and he isn’t willing to hand her any money to help her out now with this dilemma she has now a extra bill the internet that he claimed he would be paying half for and he also told her when he got paid he would help fix her car he also told her he would help get school shopping done .. now that has all changed ….To I’m for myself and screw everything else but oh please let me live Scot free off of you my love.

If anyone out there in the real world has a daughter and grandchildren you as a parent really care. Enough is enough I personally think he is using her .. I don’t know why she cant see through the me me me all for me boyfriend she has ?? oh she has taken him out to eat bought wine spent money on him the whole nine yards.. I think she is in for a big heartache ..

He has even told me the same thing .. I gave them all a ride to the fair and I said hey when you going to pay me back now that you have a job .. Guess what it were only talking a pack of smokes here cos when he wasn’t working he would bum cigarettes all the time like more than a pack I have handed out over the last year .. He told me he has to look out for himself .. Well needless to say we had a few words nothing really terrible but it only goes to show me he will never really be there for her full support ..

WoW .. I can’t even believe this ,, and I know for you guys out there who have been used in the same ways .. Basically I think relationships that are not well balanced and fully discussed to the point you really know that person ad can trust in the person .. don’t jump into a relationship out of loneliness. I’m thankful I never had these problems with any of my relationships.. If all you want in a relationship is to lean on someone that’s not fair .. And if its only for sex that’s not going to last long either .. But when you take take take you break down any love you have for that person.. True Love ..is much more than ..sex, money, and rock an roll..

reply to post by NorthStargal52


Wow,where to start??

First of all I don't do relationships so what i say can be taken with a grain of salt if you like and i won't mind.

If I were you I would not get involved and let your daughter make her own mistakes and just be there when she needs it when she learns the hard lesson.


As I said i am not into relationships,I just like the sex.
When it comes to love,I always understood it to mean(I could be wrong) you are supposed to accept...not expect.
Its about acceptance and not expectations.
When your daughter is ready she will learn a lesson...the lesson could be that she is willing to accept him for who he is or she will learn she doesn't like to be in that situation and will make some changes.
It is not really your mistake to make or correct...just be there to catch her if she falls.

As for the guy...give him nothing unless he works for it like the rest of us.
Don't give him a dime and don't give him sympathy for the consequences of his actions.
I help people who help themselves.

The one thing i always hated about relationships is when you are dating a girl,you are also kinda dating the mother as well sort of.
Its between her and him and has nothing to do with you.
Sometimes the more a parent gives advice,the more the son or daughter will dig their heels in to oppose you so they can make their own path.
I have had girls fall hard for me just to spite their families who hated me.

I do understand your frustration as a parent and I do sympathize with you.
I wish you good luck.

There isn't much you can do here. Pretty much your damned if you do damned if you don't. It is your daughter and you do have the obligation and right to talk about how you feel about this "man", but you have to do it on her terms not yours. The one thing you cannot do is continually talk about it with her or make snide remarks about him in her company. He will use that to keep her tied to him. Talk about it with her once and if she resists it, then simply tell her that when she is ready you will be there to continue it with her and play nice until she is ready.

There is no greater defense lawyer in a relationship than an abused woman, and like it or not this is just another form of emotional abuse. Eventually she will figure out he is just using her to get what he wants. She may even already know it and is just unable to accept it.

He has had the opportunity to attempt to start to make things up to her, and he let it pass by. Love is to give without exception or reservation, it also requires forgiveness. Your daughter clearly has both in ample supply, and hopefully when this relationship ends she leaves with those capacities. Also I would like to warn you that the odds are that she is going to break up with this man a few times before it finally does stick so be prepared for it.

Originally posted by NorthStargal52
What sort of true feelings make a good relationship?


Basically I think relationships that are not well balanced and fully discussed to the point you really know that person ad can trust in the person .. don’t jump into a relationship out of loneliness.

one would think relationships should begin with friendship, and family, and not loneliness, but yet everyone i know supports a system that promotes loneliness.

friendship, family?

maybe i'm alone here, but..

friends do not talk to friends by performing and participating in actions and behaviors that reinforce a system where friends must conform to mandatory expectations (laws) that number so great that no child born today can even live long enough to learn the laws. there should not be so many rules to our friendship that as a friend i shall never live long enough to learn them all. this is not an example of how friends make friends feel welcome or at home anywhere.

family members do not talk to family by performing and participating in actions and behaviors that reinforce a system where family must conform to mandatory expectations (laws) that number so great that no child born today can even live long enough to learn the laws. there should not be so many rules to being a family member that as family i shall never live long enough to learn them all, let alone conform to. this is not an example of how family members make family feel welcome or at home anywhere.

so if one is not family, and one is not friend, then what are they?

if we took all the supreme court justices and all the senators and law makers up in one big plush comforty hotel with all the necessities they needed and did not let them out until they wrote down from memory all the laws that currently exist, would they live long enough to recall all the laws that exist? do they know the number of laws that exist?

what are the number of laws that exist? my ten year old god daughter asked me this, and i thought to myself that she may as well be asking me what the highest number is.

and we support such a template for our governments, no matter what name it goes by. socialism, communism, democracy, etc... all of them live in societies ruled by rules that number greater than anybody can honestly and truthfully abide by.

money.

who needed to invent it? why? are we more "civilized" because of it? has it helped domesticate man in womens' image?

money.

by law i must pay car insurance.
because of those laws i have paid more than $50,000 in car insurance.
i've never owned a car worth more than $14,000.
i've never had to have made a claim.
how much do i have to pay in car insurance before they owe me a new car for no other reason other than i have paid for my car nearly 3 times over?

yes, i know i pay for other peoples' wrecks, but....

can i claim them as dependants when the IRS is doing an audit?

money.

What sort of true feelings make a good relationship?

i think a good relationship cannot be based upon true feelings when everyone is lying to themselves about what the true feelings are.

i think a good relationship is made from true feelings, but true feelings are buried beneath debt, and the number of laws we must mandatorily conform to in order to know what it is to "feel true".

relationships do not begin with: you must mandatorily conform to all the laws that number so great you will never know them.

but, life does, now doesn't it?

and how is it we are choosing to fix this "problem" with our relationships?

let's keep voting into power more law makers to make more laws!

i'm not trying to make a political statement here, i am addressing the OP's concerns, i think.

What sort of true feelings make a good relationship?

hard to accept that one can be honest with anyone else if they are not being honest with themselves.

people who do not resolve their fears and hates internally, project them outwards into our shared reality, i think.

but, i reserve the right to say i may be totally wrong, pending further information my experiences may provide me with.

pleasentries,
et

Thanks for your response's .. well she was really upset when he didnt go into work here they just ordered the internet and that is a added expense to pay.. she has really never had much help from him cash wise so she was a bit freaking out worried that she be stuck with this new bill not only that it was one of those contract agreements.. oh well he managed to keep his job somehow but she did tell me one thing ..

She is afraid of being alone .. she has two children and he helps her with them and even tho he keeps filling her head with false promises that will never happen.. I know I have turned my head the other way but omg she really freaks out .. there are some draw backs to being in a relationship with a man who openly admits that his money is his and he will never give 100% if ever the time was needed.

I believe its a flowing two way street I never demanded anyone ..ever give me anything.. I was always able to support my own .. so when it was offered to me it was hard for me to accept my mans offer to help me out, totally different situation ..

I could care less about this guy I dont have to live with him we dont see eye to eye and I avoid him as much as can be. So yeah parents can really stick thier nose into thier daughters bussiness but kind of hard to hold back your comments of disgust when your daughters sitting on the phone crying and freaking out. So this only tells me that she is really either getting sick of having to foot the whole bill .

Even Roomates are obligated to pay a certain porportion of the bills .. where anyone thinks you owe them a free ride just cause you have that person hooked on love ..
I have seen this happen with men also where a woman has her man wraped around her finger he will do anything for her just because of sex or what ever it is..

This is what I mean about balance and taking yor time to know a person .. know that you have equal or close choices (anotherwards your minds are o the same page together.) Be open about what you want in this relationship, how you expect to be treated how your feelings are about religion and if you have children how you want to raise them ..

It makes sense to really know who your spending time with .. this meeting a person in a bar or a pub and bringing them home and they never leave type situation is for the birds if ya ask me ..

It is bettter to stay out of her problems your right .. as I dont get involved .. and he needs to stop using her family as his rescue ..

We are not his lifesaver .. I don't mind helping anyone out but when it gets to the point where a person openly says to you hey can I bum a smoke or can you take me here to this appointment when I get paid Ill pay you back.. and that day never comes.. well yeah he got paid and he had enough to buy himself cigerettes and beers and never gave a dime or anything back.

Even my own personal friends that I have borrowed to .. for years and gave to one another without expecting anything back.. but because there is just something special to know you have a friend that can actually show you she or he is not out just using you so they give and you give back when you can ..

Thats all I think anyone would be happy with .. I dont sit here and count all the times I gave my friends rides here and there but then again they have always gave something back .. helping someone who really needs the help and someday you might need help yourself and can count on a favor being returned.. but to outwardly tell people you are only out for yourself is really a bit rash....

Personal choices ..yes emotional abuse does play a part .. if you constantly make false promises and pretend your in love when your not really!!!!!,,,, and your only there because of sex or you have nowhere else to go ..hmm personally I dont know how you can't see through someone like this .. but everyone learns through mistakes ..

reply to post by NorthStargal52


I can totally hear you on the whole afraid of being alone thing, I really can. My sister was in a situation where she was constantly giving giving and giving and never getting equal treatment. It took her catching him in her bed with someone else to finally up and move on. She has 3 kids and has managed to do quite well for herself, she went from a pregnant seventeen year old girl who might not graduate high school to getting a felony because of him to working her way to a six figure position in the company she works for without ever taking a college course.

I know most people will not get lucky like her, and she still dates guys she would probably be better off kicking to the curb. Because she is terrified of being alone. But now they seem to get their walking papers sooner than they used to now.

It does get better. Keep your head up just provide her whatever comfort she needs when she needs it and you will get through it.

reply to post by NorthStargal52


Unfortunately, anything you say bad about this cad, is going to just drive her further away.

This guy is a loser, and will obviously always be one, as he seems to enjoy it (too tired to go in, just 3 weeks on the job?)...

Until she realizes it herself, she'll keep making this same mistake. This guy is a leech, and the only solution is to pull him off and let him go his own way.

She needs to find someone who will HELP not HINDER her...but until she does, she's got nobody to blame but herself for putting up with his crap. But, she'll need to come to this conclusion on her own.

Oh, and my bet is that he's using the internet to find other gals. (HIS money?) Yeah, so he can spend it on others and not be accountable for it. A relationship is a partnership. My advice is to pick up some computer spy software, and check up on this guy. Better yet, call in sick to work one day and follow him around (especially if there is one day in the week he seems to be less "available" than others)...and I bet you she'll find him cheatin' on her....

I think it's helpful to relationships when you feel a degree of safety, when you trust them to know your wishes and there's mutual understanding about various opinions, how you think, understanding boundaries and sharing passion about similar things.

Someone you'd feel okay about falling asleep next to when you're stranded in the woods, for example.