Do you have an inflated ego/are you starring in your own show?

This post started as a U2U between another member and myself, but while I was writing it I decided to post it here and try to find out if others have been hit with this sort of thing recently.

I have been undergoing changes recently. Changes that affected my own view of myself. Changes that showed me that I am not what I thought I was, and am not worth more than anyone else. I was slapped in the face with this knowledge against my will, but then wouldn't becoming aware of this always be against one's will?

I don't feel that what I have undergone is necessarily negative, since I feel that my self-perceived over-inflated ego was a negative thing. I don't know what my purpose is in this life, or was as the case may be, but I sort of feel like it has been fulfilled for the most part and my job now is to sit back and support and watch those who are surrounding me.

The negativity comes from my being used to being the center of my own show and that is a lifetime of habit to overcome. A long life of being alone, lonely, and other issues helped to create in me the perception that I was worthy and of worth as a survival mechanism, but deep down I knew all along that which I feared most. I am not a singularity, but am only part of a whole and no more valuable than any other part. That is an incredibly difficult concept for me, or for the human mind in general to negotiate and accept. It is a daily/constant struggle for me, but things feel more right now in accepting that than ever. Doesn't make me happy about it, since we all want to be special and singular, but I am dealing with that as well. It isn't that I am unhappy, though I truly was for a while. I am not happy either, but am more content to know my place, if that makes any sense.

My worth will be shown when I can offer encouragement and support to others, as it has in the past. How does one accept that they are only starring in a supporting role when the Id and Ego want you to be the headliner? It feels like bashing your head against a wall and it hurts.

I don't know where this puts me in the grand scheme of awakening and evolving. I don't know if it puts me forward of where I was or if I have slipped backwards. In my view, I have gone forward and improved due to this, rather, am improving due to this, but in the higher sense of it all, who knows. I surely don't.

Has anyone else experienced this less than spectacular, less than awe-inspiring, and yet still life-changing situation lately? How have you dealt with it? How are you doing now? Do you feel like you have awakened in a way, or do you feel like you have gone backwards? Please, share your thoughts with me.

[edit on 6-8-2010 by Ceriddwen]

[edit on 6-8-2010 by Ceriddwen]

reply to post by Ceriddwen


Not lately, but I have gone through something similar in the past. For me, it was the recognition that, not only was I not "better" than everyone else, the belief that I was hurt me (as well as others, obviously.)

If one believes that they are smarter, or more insightful, or more holy or whatever than others, when evidence contrary to that arises, one must either dismiss it, debase it, or suppress it, all of which are hurtful to you.

This is not to say that I don't know more about some subject than another person, or that I'm not further on my spiritual journey than someone else. To deny inequality isn't realistic, but to just assume that you are the smartest person in the room is, I think, a mistake.

The only subject that you're most likely the world's leading expert on is yourself, and, for me at least, I'm not even too sure about that.

S&F, thanks for your thoughtful piece.

Originally posted by adjensen
reply to post by Ceriddwen

 

The only subject that you're most likely the world's leading expert on is yourself, and, for me at least, I'm not even too sure about that.

S&F, thanks for your thoughtful piece.

I have to agree with this with the huge smile on my face that it invoked.

For me, I would get sparks of "hey, you are hogging the attention" or some stuff like that, and would totally dismiss it as an "oh well" sort of thing. Now, when I am patently ignored or I "hear" the mental eye roll going on with someone else, I tell myself my new mantra of "you are not better than others you are just you." or something to that effect. That has effectively reduced the number of times a day my ego takes a step forward and overrides what I know to be the truth.

Thank you for sharing your insight and comments! I truly appreciate it!

I see us all as blades of grass in a lawn. The lawn is what is admired, and we all conspire to make it beautiful as an expression of our individual desire to be part of something beautiful. Humanity is a collective species, and it always has been. The American Way is to celebrate individualism, but that's not the the Human Way. The Human way is to celebrate the community, and to find our singular identity within the communal whole. Like chunks of meat and potato is a great stew, our value is more - as integral to a whole - than any of our value could ever be alone, and if Americans could ever accept that truth about the human psyche, this nation would be an incredible example of what the human race can achieve.

That said, the powered elite fear that kind of community, since it empowers the individual within that community. In reality, if a blade of grass grows too tall, the lawn mower trims it down on behalf of the symmetry of the lawn. Not that being too tall is a bad thing, but that it simply doesn't doing anything wonderful for the lawn itself. I guess it's some folks' need to be a tree in the lawn, even though they're blades of grass.

[edit on 6-8-2010 by NorEaster]

Originally posted by Ceriddwen
I am not happy either, but am more content to know my place, if that makes any sense.

Life and who we are isn't a set standard. It is what we DO every day that makes us special or ordinary.

You dont go through life knowing your place.

You go through life making your place.

Be happy because it is what you choose to do.

reply to post by NorEaster


I like this analogy of yours. I was struggling to be the tree in the lawn and it wasn't working out for me at all. It only served to frustrate me that my trunk wouldn't grow.

Thank you so much for sharing this with me!

Originally posted by badgerprints

Life and who we are isn't a set standard. It is what we DO every day that makes us special or ordinary.

You dont go through life knowing your place.

You go through life making your place.

Be happy because it is what you choose to do.

I think we struggle to find our place constantly and struggle to be happy constantly. The goal of mankind is to find our place in the universe and fighting ourselves and our egos to be something special. I tried to make my place and I tried to be happy by choosing to be happy. I am more than sure that that works for some, but it didn't work for me.

I am not sure what happiness really is, let alone how to claim that I am happy. I am more content, and that is the most I can hope for at this time in my life. My place seems to be to support others in finding their place, if that makes sense. That is very hard for my ego to accept, and that is my struggle. Does that make sense?

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.

Who really am I?

This question is often asked by EVERY human being on Earth.

Yes, it can be easily answered by our 5 senses. A human just like everybody else. But the problem is that we live in a society, and either we conform or we become outcastes.

Many claim they are who they really are in real life, but that is FALSE. In an organised society, no one CAN be who they really are. Some tried, but at our formative years, we either get thrashed to conform or we will left by the wayside to struggle alone.

Faced with such choices, we choose to conform and hide the real us wearing masks throughout our lives. The mask will smile when it wants to puke at a joke. The mask wants to laugh but is force to follow along and cry so as not to offend, etc, etc.

The masks fits so well for many that it becomes who they become, suppressing the real person from expressing oneself truly for fear of being ostracised. It may be good, so that everyone shares a common goal to meet aspirations. This is social engineering.

The problems with social engineering is - who is the engineer/engineers and are the means to meet aspirations sustainable and morally correct, and will leave none behind?

Today, as we stare into the wasteland created by the financial crisis by the engineers, we know that such construction was not sound. And from such desolation were we thus awakened.....

No man alone can rebuild this society. It needs us all to co-operate and commence the rebuilding with better engineering methods, each with one's contribution. Some will lead and some will have to follow, thus we need to find better leaders and they are prepared for the sacrifice of rebuilding.

Thus, who really am I? Am I a builder or a destroyer? Are my unique gifts more suited to creation or to destroy all that is created?

This, each and everyone must ask oneself. Once you get the answer, the ego will not matter, for to create it will need frank and honest conscensus and discussions. To destroy, it doesnt take much of anything to do so, just disagree and create mayhem is all it takes.

It all comes from one's heart.

Be happy always. Cheers!

For the yet to be awakened, ignorance is bliss :-)

I always thought I was a builder, but a leader among builders. I know now that I am not such. I am a builder but a builder in a sense that I must be part of the foundation and not more than that. I can't be the pretty facade detail or the sky light. I am the concrete below, and that is what I am dealing with now.

Thank you Seeker. I always enjoy your insight and this is right up there with my favorites by you.

I love posts that jump out at you just as the thoughts about the subject has been jostling around your head for a time. LOL Synchronicity they call it.

I have a nick-name for myself at times, it is a parody of Native American names without offense to a Native. My name is "Little Ego" (get it? Little Eagle is the phonetic).

Apart from that for me begins in that I have never been an outwardly expressed person until I became an adult. As a child of five children I was singled out by my drunk abusive father for his pleasure. At 14 I was running away and a delinquent; custody was given over by the powers of the State to a woman with no children. She ran a rehab center for wild animals. I was on my own by 17 with nothing but a bus ticket and a Pell Grant to go to school 400 miles away from anyone I knew.

As a result I have never stood up for myself against abusers, thugs, bullies, and thieves. I did military service and still fear resided in me; my expression was internal and my Nature was withdrawn.

It took years of steps to finally come out into the World of people and to have a sense of compassion for people. I learned to love people and I learned to see the incredible beauty in them.

Now that I am nearing 50 I find myself gregarious, boisterous, jolly at most, serious at best, opinionated, thoughtful of actions even if they are not my actions, conscious, and aware. Yet through that I feel my Ego is now bigger than a horse at times. For me to quiet my ego is like asking my previous existence to come back to me. So the struggle for me is to recognize when things get out of hand, which they do, because I find myself so expressive now that I am explosive, reactionary, rebellious, defiant, but also through that I am honest, and I take a great effort at never telling a lie. Seriously.

I am so reactionary to lies from others that it discredits the person for any future thought on my behalf. I am so over amplified when I am told a lie, if I am accused of a falsehood, if I am yelled at, if I am threatened.

None of this may be my Ego at all. I have an ego because I have self esteem. I have an ego because I hold myself at a standard above all others, even if I am not the best at something I hold a standard on it. I do this with everything and everyone. I am not antisocial, but I am isolated from others purposely as I am so overwhelming at times. I speak in terms of common sense and simplistic approaches. I freak on excuses and it makes me a maniac! LOL

Sounds like a little more than "Little Ego", I guess that explains why this post caught me! LOL I am making as many sacrifices I can and giving away all I can, but my Ego likes to play through my colorful thoughts on this World and it obviously scares the neighbors. I am sure I am just textbook!

reply to post by Greensage


I really enjoyed reading your post. It made me chuckle as I resembled it in so many ways. I wasn't overwhelming per se, but have been extremely opinionated about things my whole life, offering said opinions whether they were wanted or not. What a shock to realize that sometimes, people don't want to hear what I have to say!

I am not anti-social either, but do keep to myself quite a bit since I can be overwhelmed by other strong personalities. I was taught that it wasn't right to be strong in yourself in my household, and to keep to yourself to was protect yourself. It is what I know, and when I tried to be different than that, my ego created a self-insulating bubble where I was important and valuable and needed by the world at large. It protected me from the truth which I have recently had shoved down my throat.

I am stronger now in the knowledge that I am not as important as I made myself believe. I was lying to myself and now that I am telling myself the truth, I feel better about things.

Thank you for sharing that with me. It made me smile and reminded me of a few things.

reply to post by Ceriddwen


I am honoured by your compliments and thank you sincerly. But I don't matter. It is you that is more important. Just as there are followers, there must be leaders.

For the insignificant me, I would be happy to be part of the ugly foundation concrete beams hidden under the ground. At least I am part of this brave new world humanity is trying to rebuild itself and for future generations to come.

As for you, it will be your free will and choice to be the apex capping stone. And for that, it takes much organisation, management, intelligence, etc, etc, skills and moral leadership.

As yet, humanity had not found such a person. But that person to lead had already been born. It may be you or you may be part of that group to grace the capping stone.

With leadership comes great responsiblities. Not many are ready for it. But I am glad you aspire towards it, and may one day you and others who seek elevate mankind achieve it.

Good luck! :-)

reply to post by SeekerofTruth101


That's the thing. I used to aspire to be the capping stone, but I don't anymore. The ego is trying to make me not want to be part of the basement, and I am trying to prove to my ego that it is ok, it is where I was meant to be. I am insignificant in the grand scheme as anything other than what I am, and while you have dealt with and made peace with it, I am still struggling. It is good to have folks like you to touch base with and listen to and for that I am very thankful to know you.

Originally posted by Ceriddwen


I think we struggle to find our place constantly and struggle to be happy constantly. The goal of mankind is to find our place in the universe and fighting ourselves and our egos to be something special. I tried to make my place and I tried to be happy by choosing to be happy. I am more than sure that that works for some, but it didn't work for me.

I am not sure what happiness really is, let alone how to claim that I am happy. I am more content, and that is the most I can hope for at this time in my life. My place seems to be to support others in finding their place, if that makes sense. That is very hard for my ego to accept, and that is my struggle. Does that make sense?

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.

Well,
Choosing to be happy is like choosing to be a writer.
You are only a writer if you write. If you stop writing, you're not a writer any more.

Not a great example but it applies.
Being happy is really something we do every day. It takes practice but the best way to practice is by doing something that makes it easy for you to be happy. If helping others find their place then that's something that you should do.

As far as finding a place for yourself or being special, it's overrated. Most people don't really know where they want to go in life even when most of the road is already behind them.

An old hiker once said "It's not about the miles. It's about the smiles."

It doesn't matter what direction you take or where you end up. Just learn to be with people you love and meet new friends that you enjoy.

Don't be discouraged. We all have bad spells and some of us never find "that thing" that makes us happy.

I'm in the same place as you seem to be a lot of the time but no matter how bad or crazy it gets I find a reason to smile once in a while.

"We may be lost but we're makin good time."

Take care.
Badger

Looking back at what came out of my fingertips it wouldn't surprise me to learn that the frequency of the use of "I" in the body of the text is the actual Ego being exposed.

What a creepy thought that my ego had to say I, I, I, like a million times. LOL

reply to post by Ceriddwen

Doesn't the world become a great plane of experimentation and a great place, though?
I got knocked out of my Self 22 years ago, with the thought that we are all pieces of a shattered mirror reflecting the sky. I'm just a small fragment, but I like it that way.

reply to post by badgerprints


I have found that I have known people who could choose to be happy and were happy. I am still struggling with that concept.

I love to laugh and I have been making a concerted effort to create laughter in my life, especially at those times that I feel the most stressed. You are right, it does help.

Thank you for your thoughts and insights. They mean a lot to me and I am sure to others as well.

Originally posted by Greensage
Looking back at what came out of my fingertips it wouldn't surprise me to learn that the frequency of the use of "I" in the body of the text is the actual Ego being exposed.

What a creepy thought that my ego had to say I, I, I, like a million times. LOL

We all do it, though, don't we?

It is creepy how often the word I comes out of us, I agree.

Originally posted by TheCounselor
reply to post by Ceriddwen

 

Doesn't the world become a great plane of experimentation and a great place, though?
I got knocked out of my Self 22 years ago, with the thought that we are all pieces of a shattered mirror reflecting the sky. I'm just a small fragment, but I like it that way.

Can you elaborate on the getting knocked out of yourself? I am interested in what you mean by this. I am so happy you are at peace with your being a fragment of the mirror. I only hope I can find that peace myself. Thank you for sharing that with us.

reply to post by Ceriddwen


Each thought, each reaction, each intellectual initiation that launches from all of our brains collects to form the complete and eternal expression of Earth's humanity. We can try to be a capstone, and while that's a grand motivation, all it really does is contribute our unique experience of trying to become the capstone of humanity. And from only our one unique perspective, at that, since there are many thousands of us, at any one moment in human history, who are pursuing that goal at some level. And within that group, there are hundreds who honestly believe that it is their personal destiny.

What we each offer is our own inimitable experience of corporeal existence. No one else can offer what we each offer. For some, this is a terrifyingly Herculean task, and for others, it's much easier and more enjoyable. No contribution is less valuable than any other, since each contribution is necessary to ensure that the collective whole fully expresses what it means to be human within the corporeal realm.

If you choose to see yourself as a foundation stone, then that's your experience of being alive and absolutely indespensible. If you choose to see yourself as lifted apart and hovering above the rabble, then that's your experience of being alive and divinely selected. If you choose to see yourself as powerfully transformational, then that's your experience of being alive and heroically transcendent. In the end, it's all important, and it's all necessary for the whole of humanity to be properly represented from every angle and every possible perspective.

Even those folks who insist on teaching us how we are supposed to experience corporeal existence. They contribute the experience of insisting that we all work to experience their chosen experience of corporeal life. This is a very important perspective to contribute as well, although not as unique as each of them might imagine.

In the end, humanity will be fully expressed, and the job will be successfully completed. At the macro level, there is no slop in the system.



[edit on 7-8-2010 by NorEaster]