I have a problem - I'm shy, and single.

So, lets start with saying -
I'm in a great place personally at the moment...
independent (own place, own car etc), emotionally secure, plenty of friends, active social life and working 66hrs a week keeps me plenty occupied.

But hey, there's something missing and I keep hitting a brick wall here.

One question - does anyone else think there should be some way of signifying your relationship status symbolically/visually so that the opposite sex can realize you are looking/ not looking?

Obviously wedding bands, engagement rings are a great giveaway,
but what about the more fluid status',
I meet countless nice-looking young men who are hardworking and we float in the same circles so to speak but whenever I finally work up the courage to ask them out they're all in boyfriend mode already.
However since they aren't engaged or married yet, I can't tell...
And on the other hand, I wear rings on both hands, good quality jewellery I have bought myself... and the older clients constantly ask me if I'm engaged or married!

In some cultures, there are certain ways women dress their hair or men's clothing that tell each other in their own society whether or not they are available...
the animal kingdom also has some good examples of this...

It's hard enough figuring out your own baggage let alone trying to guess everyone else' in the name of "relationships"...
the dating game can be a lot of fun but sometimes the signals are too fuzzy - what do you think?

reply to post by wagtail



Take off your rings, for a start. Those could be sending off "taken" signals.

Other than that, there is no right way to dress, your clothes should express your personality so that the people who do approach you have an idea who you are. (girly girl? tomboy? all business? sporty?)

There are articles about flirting, and how women signal interest to the opposite sex, (head tilt, eye contact, smiling, hair flipping, other grooming behaviors) if this doesnt come naturally maybe you should do a little research?

www.allstardatingtips.com...

Also, and I dont mean to be rude, but knowing your level of appropriate mate is important too, for men and women. The 300lb Dungeons and Dragons guy isnt going to get the supermodel unless he happens to be a millionaire, and for women, the same applies. Figure out what your range is, (age, looks, intellect) and focus on people in your general ballpark. People too far over you will not respond, and people too far below you will not have the guts to try, most times.

Not getting approached doesnt mean you are unattractive, sometimes you can be TOO attractive and have men too nervous to hit on you. But you do have to kind of figure out where you stand, if you want to target your audience.

Good luck.

reply to post by Illusionsaregrander


Thanks! Heaps of great pointers there, I really appreciate it.

I have a very strong sense of who I am and my appearance and lifestyle reflect that, and not to sound arrogant but I generally always pick up what I aim for.

I think what I meant was, I used to flirt and date constantly - but now that I'm looking for something a little more solid - those vapid eyelash battings and pushup bras only pull a certain type of male - the type I'm no longer interested in...
besides being shy makes those sort of manouvers seem pointless, men complain about 'womanly' wiles/manipulations all the time but fall for them anyway - way I see it - if he's dumb enough to fall for something so shallow right off the bat I'm not keen to continue.
How do you identify single but not 'manwhore'?

I'm taking your advice, jewellery is now left at home though!
hahaha!

reply to post by wagtail


I think men, no matter how good "quality" are prone to falling for flattering female attention. I wouldnt pass one by just because he "fell for it."

Maybe try looking in areas where more serious guys go? Depending on your interests, maybe a volunteer organization, or political organization, or something more intellectual? Someplace you have a chance to interact with them and get to know them personally so you can sort out their personality before it actually comes down to a date? (Because they know they will see you at the next meeting, so it can progress slower?)

I think the big problem is is that people have chemistry right off the bat, but they dont always take enough time before acting on the chemistry to evaluate the other person mentally. Try to place yourself in circumstances where you will be repeatedly with the same group of guys and then once you figure out the ones you like, you can get to know them in more depth. And dont be too willing to overlook warning signs because of hotness.

reply to post by Illusionsaregrander


Illusions - you seem spot on...
okay,
no blase dismissal based on response to aforementioned signals...
hang in areas that provide mental/spiritual stimulation to find men with common ground...
slow down the 'getting to know someone' process by focusing on shared interests over a period of time...
and trust in the chemistry without letting it overtake my reasoning ability...
great, I suck at interpersonal multitasking...
crap.

reply to post by wagtail


Lol. One more thing, a trick for the shy part.

Focus on how THEY might be feeling, instead of how you are. (I used to be shy)

If you watch them, (anyone, male or female) and make THEIR feelings a priority, rather than focusing on how you feel, magically, you feel more comfortable and easy. Not to mention people tend to enjoy your company more, because you make them feel comfortable.

Shyness is a form of hyper self awareness, it seems to me.

So when you meet people, take a deep breath, and set yourself to the task of making them feel welcome and valued, as a person, (not to imply you are falling all over yourself for them, mind you) and you will hardly notice your own shyness.

Good luck. You sound like a very sweet and intelligent young woman. I am sure you wont be single long.

reply to post by Illusionsaregrander


WOW.
It's always a tremendous learning curve, thank goodness there are wiser heads than my own to give me advice.
lol.
thanks very much Illusions, I'm going to follow your advice because it actually makes sense!

reply to post by wagtail

does anyone else think there should be some way of signifying your relationship status symbolically/visually so that the opposite sex can realize you are looking/ not looking?

Get a shirt that says Linux on it, that by far is a great indicator that you are single.

reply to post by zaiger


HA!
Also an indication to run in opposite direction - oui?

reply to post by wagtail


In my opinion it will happen when u least expect it to.Thats what happened to me and my husband.We were just friends and it became more after a year of speaking online.There is someone for everyone you just have not met your match yet.Wait believe me its worth it.

1. Ditch the rings. Like hanging a big "TAKEN" sign around your neck.

2. Get that network of friends of yours to hook you up!

Originally posted by wagtail
reply to post by zaiger

 

HA!
Also an indication to run in opposite direction - oui?

The single nerdy computer programmers would flock!!!

Eye contact! It's amazing the conversations that can take place by just looking at someone. If you're interested in meeting someone, online dating sites seem to work suprisingly well - I've never done it but I know a lot of people who have found partners through it.
Go to concerts, etc, to meet like minded people and don't be afraid to try new things, you never know what you might come across!

The 300lb Dungeons and Dragons guy isnt going to get the supermodel unless he happens to be a millionaire, and for women, the same applies.

Vin Diesel is a 220lb Dungeons and Dragons guy.....but then again, he's likely also a millionaire...hehe...

If you've ever seen a vid of him talking about his old D&D character, it's priceless, his eyes light up like a kid at Christmas, hehe...

reply to post by KrillsAngelWings


I know you are right, I'm just craving that 'other half' thing at the moment...
I'm sure I can be patient... Not! lol

reply to post by Gazrok


Illusions suggested I remove the rings, so that's mission accomplished there!
And the only problem with my friends, well, I've known them almost too long if you know what I mean...
Amazing group of people who are all coupled up! They've tried, but I shy away from the whole set-up situation, symptom of my shyness I guess, I dont want to let them down if I dont get along with someone they suggest - makes for awkward social get together's.
But since you mentioned it I would reconsider...
Thanks

reply to post by nick_napalm


haha! well, I certainly dont mind a nerd or two!
I'm really not into the 'jock' type - just hardworking and honest is my catchphrase lol.

reply to post by Gazrok


Nothing says sexy like a 220lb guy who's passionate about what he does for a living ay?
haha!
Vin Deisel - I'm a closet fan...
that put a smile on my face this morning!

reply to post by PeaceUk


Peace, I will admit I struggle terribly with eye contact!
I probably engage it about 10% of the time in a convo with the opposite sex, absolutely right there - it really takes a lot for someone to maintain that connection though... how do I change that?

The best way to find out if somebodys single, is to ask.

Because if you dont ask, you dont get..

Im shy my self. But what I do to get over that is to 'throw' myself into the deepend.
Im not intimidated by talking to 'hot' women.

Just make sure you got something decent to talk about (other than the weather) and build up a conversation on that.
Obviously take into account your surroundings.
Nightclubs are ok, but its hard to have a decent conversation in them.
And when you first go out, go out for Tea, because its shorter and dosnt mean you'll have to stick around for hours waiting for food in silence because you've run out of conversation.

A lot of people try online dating, where as myself, id be uncomfortable using that service.
And the same goes for speed dating.
One of my friends keeps going there because its 'a great way to pick up women.'
So essentially avoid that or at least be aware of us fellas who are thinking with our member.

You said you've got a great group of friends, if one of them has a works party etc, ask if you can tag along with them.
Drink responsibly, smile and enjoy yourself.

You'll probably get someones attention. And if you do, take it slow.. And I mean a 'snail on crutches' type of slow. No 'back to mine for coffee.'

eee.