Thank you for the wonderful replies. It is little bit hard for me to answer each post, but the replies let me really think deeper.
I am 100% sure that I am not alone with my experiences. Although they are "my" experiences and unique, human consciousness share the same kind
ruptures with the "external" world, and with "whatever" lies behind it, let it call the "primordial whole" or "primordial chasm", I don't
know. But I think, this experiences are a kind of sign that this "order" we live in, is come out of a inbalance. Maybe the universe itself is born
out of a chaos of every kind of affection, passions..Maybe a passion "to be". I am mostly afraid of loosing this "being". I want to know
everything about the existence itself, and what really "males" this existence as a "being". I assure you, the more you read, the more you go in
troubles. And I really dont want to find an answer in New-age spiritualis or in some holy answer. It seems to me that what we experience, this chasm,
this rupture, is the experience of the original rupture ITSELF. Something, someone is seeking its true self, through and with us. Something and
someone seems to lose and had must to lose, its original unity with itself.
And I know, what I, and some of you feel can be identified as an alienation from his or her soceity. One can say, "what the hell has a meaning of
your dumb experience, when children in africa are dying?" No, this is not the case. I am also trying to be politically active, trying to analyse my
society which is full with contradictions etc...
But, the questions never, never dissapear from my mind, almost all day, when I am inactive, not studying, these questions pops up anytime, and it
really is a big burden: How did the nature itself organised that a self-conscious being appear in it? What does it mean to explore the secrets of
universe? Why the hell did we begin to become our finitude under a conception of infinite? Etc. etc...
About the ADD, you may be right. I was a hyper-active kid until 8 or 9. But then suddenly I became very, maybe unneccesary very quite and serious. I
think I became "normal" again during my university years. But many of good friends know that my mind goes sometimes too far, during some
Sometimes art is much more capable to express what we can't express. Here is an example, listen the angel singing:
Although this work of Bach dedicated to St. John, it seems to me that his music represents "the search" of someone, who suffers a seperation from
itself. I am not religious myself, in the sense I don't believe in a God who commands us, but I believe to "someone" who exploded from within
itself to get rid of its inner chaos and made the order of universe. But now it suffers, because it is not a unity with itself now.
Lastly, I think our world now is too much corrupted, and one feels also extremely alone because of it. I don't want be an elitist, but this feeling
is also inevatible. I am really not sure where the world is heading now, and I think no social sicentist can do.
Anyway, thank you again. ATS has really gentle souls, and I was right to decide to express my feelings.
[edit on 27-7-2010 by deccal]