I need some support to pull myself together

Hello,
as you can guess from the thread, this will be about my personel experiences which since some time is a big burden for me. I hope you will show some patience to read and I apology in advance because I may do some grammar mistakes. My English is not that good.
First of all, this is not a "am i special?" thread. I am a social scientist and I am trying to look at things from a rational perspective. But there are some things that are not so easy to carry. Let me begin to tell my story.

Some ten years ago, when I was 20 or 21 (i am not sure exactly when), something began to happen, just before I try to sleep. When I was trying to sleep, I began to felt that I will suddenly lose my mind. It was like my mind is going to an infinite, trying to grasp it, of course couldn't and began to fell in it. Just in this moment i was hitting myself in order to come to myself again. In the beginning, I was very afraid. Days, weeks passed, and it never stopped. I experienced every night the same infinite, the same majestic feeling that pulling me to itself. Then I began to read some things, mostly about panic-attack and some other anxieties. But it was not exactly the same. I didn't have the feeling to die (like in panic attack), but just feeling to lose my mind. After a while this terrible nightmares just ended. But its effect remained within me. I was studying psychology in the universtiy, and decided to change it to philosophy. And I really did.
After a short while, me and my mother moved to another apartment. And unfortunatly my mother got cancer, and died in a very short period of time. You can maybe imagine how it effected me, but i will not go to the details here. After a short period of gried, I decided to study fully what I will (philosophy). I wanted to try everything I could. A very intense 5 years of studying with much alcohol and books went by. The terrible nights I had before never came back. But since a while, I had the same problems during the day. For example, an intense fear of flight has began. I never had fear of flight before, but now I was afraid NOT of a plane crash, but I was afraid of that plane will just go out of the atmosphere, and fly eternally in the space. This feeling of infinity returned again. When I was hanging out with my friends, sometimes I was going suddenly to see about the limits of universe, a giant meteor thousands of light years ahead, the supernova in a far galaxy etc. I was not thinking them, but I was seeing and feeling them. Another was about time. Sometimes I couldn't bear the feeling that "right now", "this" is the exact limit point of time, that we are, as it were, swimming through something and creating every second (or whatever time measurment) the time itself, as if we are constantly at the end point, in the limit of time. I can count many of such experiences.
I never talked about these experiences to my friends. I always kept these within me. And I must confess, that I didn't want to share these experiences, because I though nobody will undertand it. But it really isn't easy to live with it. I think I have many more things to tell, but I want to stop now.
At the end, I want to ask, whether you have some similar experiences? Maybe it can help me to share some ideas or experiences. Thank you for reading.

Do you ever have this feeling of, mybe, everything speeding up? Like if someone was standing in front of you, they would start talking super fast and your head would feel like it was being rushed through the scenario?

reply to post by deccal
Deccal, I've seen many of your posts on ATS. We don't walk the same paths or post in the same kind of threads. That doesn't matter. My impression of you through your posts is of a bright mind and high intelligence.

It may feel like you're out of your depth in life recently. Maybe things are getting to be more than you think you can handle? It's perception giving you a false positive and a rough ride.

You're a strong character, bright and intelligent. Focus on these strengths and I believe you'll pull yourself together.

i'm from the third world countries and i do not have any issues, maybe because from young age i had to be a man and stop having delusional thoughts. Deccal you want to pull your spirt back inside, back your bags and visit some poor third world country maybe India, or Pakistan or Somalia and live with those people next to the rubbish bins, after about 2 weeks you be right back to normal

Have you ever tried any meditation techniques? Just to maybe clear your mind at the end of the day and give yourself a "mental breather" before you go to sleep?

It could be anxiety to some degree. When you're in an anxious state of being, reality tends to amplify to the point where, you've become aware of things that typically, you wouldn't have had.

So if you're having this right before you try to fall asleep, you're becoming TOO aware of what you're doing and the cycle starts.

And anticipating crashing planes? That just sounds like paranoia but that too is a form of anxiety.
I think you're 'thinking' too much on the 'what ifs'. Try to bring yourself in to the 'now'. The moment. One Moment at a time. Nothing futuristic. Nothing in the past.

Not being a doctor or professional anything (except a pain in the arse) I am only suggesting what this may be but I feel you'll be fine in time. You're probably just in this place where you're letting your mind (in a bad way) over-run your brain!


Best

[edit on 25-7-2010 by One Moment]

Hmmm, interesting.

It almost seems as if you might have a fear that if you relax or let go bad things will happen. Your mind goes fast. There's so much to think about. You can't let it stop because if you're not watching, bad things will happen or things will spin out of control? You might forget something? The plane shooting out of the atmosphere is a clue. So is not being able to shut down enough to go to sleep. Question...when you were studying did you drink to be able to relax or sleep? Did it help?

reply to post by deccal


This is just my personal opinion...

I believe you are experiencing an expanding conscious.

Originally posted by jean59
reply to post by deccal

 

This is just my personal opinion...

I believe you are experiencing an expanding conscious.

I dig that you're so positive but how does being afraid of a plane crashing fit neatly in the expanding conscious category?

reply to post by deccal


This probably won't help but gather anything you can from it.
Fear is a survival mechanism, it can cripple but it can also equally motivate.
The trick is being able to figure out what is best, to fight or flee.
You appear to control yourself fine as you are able to talk of these things you experience, and sometimes talking can be the best therapy.
Especially if you can find someone with similar experiences then maybe you can compare and contrast your experiences and find a trigger.
I may have said things you already know but, as I said you seem to have a good grasp from your tellings.
Although scared you can cope, and coping is a good part of it.

Falling to sleep can be scary if you feel that you are losing control. Having lost your mother (my condolences) in a sense can be a loss of security. The stress of these things can contribute to having irrational thoughts.

For example, I am bi-polar and one time while I was having a severe manic episode I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. All of a sudden I believed that it was just me in the bathroom drifting through space. If I opened the door I would be in space. Needless to say, I really had to summon up some courage to open the door. This was an irrational fear, but to me is was oh so real. Likewise, your plane drifting into the infinite is an irrational fear.

Any advice? Talk to someone who can help you understand what you are going through if you are able (a professional). I am not sure any of us here can know exactly what is going on inside your head without being a psychologist or psychiatrist. Even if we were, it would be unwise to diagnose you without seeing your body language.

[edit on 7/25/2010 by sad_eyed_lady]

Thank you for the respenses.

Originally posted by onequestion
Do you ever have this feeling of, mybe, everything speeding up? Like if someone was standing in front of you, they would start talking super fast and your head would feel like it was being rushed through the scenario?

I am not sure if I understand correct, but yes, many times I feel that people should just sometimes be slower. I mean they should slower their lives and think little bit more about what really matter for us.

Originally posted by aspx
i'm from the third world countries and i do not have any issues, maybe because from young age i had to be a man and stop having delusional thoughts. Deccal you want to pull your spirt back inside, back your bags and visit some poor third world country maybe India, or Pakistan or Somalia and live with those people next to the rubbish bins, after about 2 weeks you be right back to normal

I would give a similar advice, but I am from a third world country too. Believe me, what I fell is not a petit bourgeois experience. But thank you.

Originally posted by Skippy1138
Have you ever tried any meditation techniques? Just to maybe clear your mind at the end of the day and give yourself a "mental breather" before you go to sleep?

In fact I did. But the most elpful thing was reading. Reading diverse opinions, experiences and similar dreams makes you not feel alone. On the other hand, my first aim is not to get rid of all this, but try to understand its meaning. I probably can get rid of it maybe through some medicine, but I think I have to ge deeper.

Originally posted by One Moment
It could be anxiety to some degree. When you're in an anxious state of being, reality tends to amplify to the point where, you've become aware of things that typically, you wouldn't have had.

So if you're having this right before you try to fall asleep, you're becoming TOO aware of what you're doing and the cycle starts.

[edit on 25-7-2010 by One Moment]

I think this may point to a right direction. Maybe just before sleep everything gathers itself. But since a long time it is not happening before sleep, but during the day time.

Originally posted by One Moment

And anticipating crashing planes? That just sounds like paranoia but that too is a form of anxiety.
I think you're 'thinking' too much on the 'what ifs'. Try to bring yourself in to the 'now'. The moment. One Moment at a time. Nothing futuristic. Nothing in the past.

[edit on 25-7-2010 by One Moment]

I might have expressed myself wrong. I dont anticipate it, and I dont have a fear of a plane crash. On the contrary, I fear that the plane will just go beyond the atmosphere and loath in the infinity of the universe.
Thank you for the good wishes

Originally posted by ~Lucidity
Hmmm, interesting.

It almost seems as if you might have a fear that if you relax or let go bad things will happen. Your mind goes fast. There's so much to think about. You can't let it stop because if you're not watching, bad things will happen or things will spin out of control? You might forget something? The plane shooting out of the atmosphere is a clue. So is not being able to shut down enough to go to sleep. Question...when you were studying did you drink to be able to relax or sleep? Did it help?

I think you may be right about the control. I always try to control myself and my environment. It may be a coping or protecting mechanism. And it also may come from that I want to know everything not only about the world, but also the structure of every things. Maybe my finitude wants to frasp the infinitude, but it knows that it sipmly can't.
Drinking helped to sleep a lot. I know it is a temporary solution, but it simply helped. On the other hand, I dont want to be a bad example here. You know it is not a real solution.

Your thread struck a chord with me.

I have often had these situations where my brain seems to be whirling away from me, and they always happen when im going to sleep at night.

It sounds stupid but i feel that my hands and feet have become a disproportionate size to my body - as though i have the appendages of a giant.

It gets so bad that i have to get up and pace back and forth in my bedroom to try and get my head back to normality. Sometimes it takes hours to do so and i genuinely think im going insane.

What helped? I told my best friend about this (who is very intelligent and stable) and his reaction was to sneer at me and call me weak-minded. It was brutal but i realized it was true.

Every time ive had this feeling since, i just remind myself that im being an idiot and this brings me back to reality. I was glad that he was able to put some perspective on the situation for me.

reply to post by sad_eyed_lady


Thank you for sharing your experience and it seems really kind of similar what I have. It is maybe this contradiction of finitude being which senses a kind of background of herself that is in fact constitutes of her finitude. I know I speak abstract, but I really don't want to get rid of this troublesome experience without understanding what it really means. But I also feel that this experiences means not so much in this world. It is like, ok, we can have a grasp of quantum physics, but our world is damn Newtonian world. Maybe we have to accept it. And taking this rationality, we may explore what beyond of Newton's world waits for (if it is waiting).

Originally posted by Silver Star
Your thread struck a chord with me.

I have often had these situations where my brain seems to be whirling away from me, and they always happen when im going to sleep at night.

It sounds stupid but i feel that my hands and feet have become a disproportionate size to my body - as though i have the appendages of a giant.

It gets so bad that i have to get up and pace back and forth in my bedroom to try and get my head back to normality. Sometimes it takes hours to do so and i genuinely think im going insane.

What helped? I told my best friend about this (who is very intelligent and stable) and his reaction was to sneer at me and call me weak-minded. It was brutal but i realized it was true.

Every time ive had this feeling since, i just remind myself that im being an idiot and this brings me back to reality. I was glad that he was able to put some perspective on the situation for me.

Your experience is almost similar what I had. But if somone says it is a stupid thing, it is only a trick to pull you back. Maybe sometimes we have to accept our situation and "enjoy" it. Enjoy in the sense that what it really could mean. Now i dont have sleep problems anymore, what helped me was an article of Kant called "Observations on the Feeling of the Beautiful and Sublime" I think there is a kind of "sublimity" we can not grasp, but it effects us somehow. My problem now is that I have this not before sleep, but during the day. Just a simple and short disconnection. I am glad that you share your feelings.
Now I have to go to sleep, a deep and nice sleep

ello dude,

first off, there is nothing to worry about, i think what is happening is completely "normal". you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and are able to talk about things. happy days!

what you described about the infinite and planes going to space and what not is just your mind/consciousness opening up to the universe/ the infinite, but where we've been kept in such a naive little world, what people are going through now seems so alien. (for want of a better term) and we fear what we don't understand. its how we've been conditioned.

our world has been created to fuel our fears, egos and insecurities plus the fact that humans are over emotional in general doesn't help things..

what i can suggest is, just go with it, enjoy the experience of feeling a bit freaked out, enjoy the feeling of the universe, hold hands and have a laugh with fear, let go and enjoy the feeling of falling, just carry on as normal, and realise it won't hurt you.... and you WILL realise there is nothing to fear!
you WILL get used to things. things WILL calm down and you WILL land on your feet!!

fear, anxiety, stress, paranoia they're all interlinked and stem from worry, realise there is no need for them, laugh them off. they're as bigger deal as you make them. don't let them be the boss of you, you be the boss of them!!

there is no good and bad experience, there is only experience.

there's a big chasm inside all of us that we don't understand, that alot of people fear and distract themselves from, it's called our true potential and the elite have done all they can to hide this from us!!

have a laugh and try figure things out, your going in the right direction!

have a read of this, particularly the last paragraph- www.dailymail.co.uk...

this is worth a watch- www.youtube.com...

we have been conditioned to react to things with fear, ego and insecurities, it's all about pro-reacting and keeping calm!

feel free to u2u me if you think anything i've just writen makes sense and want to know more.

shine on dude, you can only get brighter!



[edit on 11:11 by WHOS READY]

reply to post by deccal



Greetings to you deccal, no, you are not alone in this, many of us have has this same feeling, I am quite certain. My own story, condensed version. I was raised up to me a fundamental Christian, expected to be a minister when I grew up. I got my first taste of death when my Grandpa, my protector and mentor died when I was 7. At 12 I had some questions for the minister, he told me to "read the Bible, all of your answers are in there." So I did. i read it all the way through, and so when I came back, instead of having a few questions, now I have several hundred of them, and was politely asked to leave the church.

I lived my life with wild abandon, drink and drugs were the order of the day, and I had several bad car wrecks, one which almost killed me. The local church sent people to "save my soul, and give me salvation, and tell me how to get "the Holy Spirit," which they did, laying in the hospital in traction I kinda had to listen. when I got out again, what they said to me was gone. I went for many years not even thinking about religion. I was already in touch with my Higher Self, who guided me along and gave me advice....I got married at 19, and stayed that way for the next 29 years. I raised two Indigo kids. Being one myself, this was easy for me, but my poor wife almost lost her mind a few times, for many supernatural things happen around us when we are all together, me and the children, and for us this is normal, but to a civilian, this is crazy.

I spend my entire adult life looking for myself, looking for evidence, and evidence that I was actually born here. All I could ever find, after spending several thousand dollars and a great deal of time writing and calling people, was a fake copy of a birth certificate and a few photos of a man who looked like me. Even the hospital where I was born has no record of me ever being there, or my Father, and he built the hospital wing I was born in!

In 1987 I rolled a semi truck over and broke my neck and back. Again came the whiskey and drugs, this time mostly drugs, I could get anything I asked for, and I asked for. I almost died from overdose two times, only my son on the phone saved me. It took me over 10 years to get back on my feet, and my good son, and best friend in the world would bring me books he found. I would tell him what I wanted to study, he would bring the books for me. The deep study of all things Occult educated me to such a high degree, that any other study became very easy for me.

Six years ago I met the woman who was to be my wife again, I had known her when she was a child. We were married in the Wiccan way, "Hand Fasting." Finally now i have a happy, secure life, but friend, I still have that over-performing mind. I cannot help myself from talking, and I talk a lot. My wife, by the way, is a member in here.

Not until just a few months ago did I discover who I am, where I came from, and what I am supposed to see, and do. The way I was shown was like nothing else I ever saw, and I had no choice but to see, and listen. No, I will not say where, or who, or any mission plan.

Another factor which you may or may not have considered is the dimensions of time and space, which are actually one and the same. I have become aware of at least 10 dimensions, each one slightly different from the others. As time goes on, the dimensions are crossing each other, and we are living in strange says, my friend.

So, friend, whatever you do, be strong, and don't lose it, and don't try to quiet the inner voice with alcohol or drugs. Do not even consider "checking out," that is not part of the plan. Study, and research wherever your mind leads you. U2 me and I will provide some good weblinks for you. Bless you, and always live in love, and Light.

Peace

reply to post by autowrench


Autowrench, what a lovely reply. Helpful and comforting.

Deccal, please hang in there and don't give in to your fears. Use rational thought to keep irrational fears at bay. It sounds a bit like Generalized Anxiety Disorder might be developing, but you would know about that.

I'm so sorry about your Mother. You might still have some grief and bereavement issues going on too. Those can be enormously tough, and take a while to get over. (I know from experience.)

My best to you.