My Friend Who Committed Suicide (Important Read)

Something bizarre happened in my life I thought I have the responsibility to share, and what better place for this than Above Top Secret. I'll make it short.

So myself and this person met at high school at around 17 years of age, and eventually became friends, altough not that intimately by the time yet. After high school we encountered the military service [snip] together. All this time everyone thought my friend was a boring person who didn't really party or date girls, all he did was study real hard (he had ridicilously high grades, he was mostly interested in history, politics, chemistry.. av.grade 9.7 / 10!) and do sports a lot. He would not speak of his emotions really, he sort of "shut to himself." (I regarded myself as a lazyer studier, more of a party type of person, but emotional and also much into sports.)

There was this day on April 2008 (when we were 23 years of age) when we were supposed to have a sauna and drink a couple of beers. My friend was late, we only had 10 minutes of sauna shift left once he arrived. So he apologized. He had met another friend. And once we got to the sauna, he opened up.

He started telling me about the World Trace Center conspiracy, how he's sure the towers did not collapse due to a terrorist airplane strike, that it was an inside job. And how he had actually cried when he realized it was true. This was the first time I heard of any conspiracy like this and was amuzed at how the mainstream media may not be trusted, but impressed by the amount of information he had and the way he presented it; he (mostly) seemed very thorough and authentic.

This is when a totally new picture of this person opened up to me. I never expected him to be so emotionally devoted to... anything. We started having meetings, every once in a month or so. We would meet up at my place or his, have a sauna and sports, and discuss all miraculous issues.

The discussion very soon went into the UFO topic. He was trying to convince me about the subject, and I really thought there was something mentally not right with him. At the end, I realized the subject is indeed very interesting and there seemed to be an awesome amount of interesting evidence of alien visitations and flying alien craft. His knowledge of the subject intriqued me. I myself became very interested in the topic and still am, but I realize there just "can't be certainty," at least to me.

Eventually I found ATS, this site and found it interesting. My friend didn't check here. He sort of found it funny, he would say a couple of times "aboove toop seecret" and would laugh at it.

We would watch long interviews about people (some degree of professionals) discussing mentality, vibration levels, life after death. This went on for 2 years. At some point my friend stopped studying in the university, he said he wants to devote his time to this 'investigation.' He probably spent most of his time awake online. I felt he had some urge to find out if there is life after death... in a way I felt it had to be something like that. Discussion ranged from spirituality, yoga, zakhras, metaphysics to quantum physics, politics, UFO's, plant life, moon and Mars structure anomalies...

At some point he quit doing sports. He became very interested in healthy eating, healthy life habits. That knowledge also passed on to me, and I too became very interested as I understood you really are what you eat. We started 'doing' superfoods. I at the moment have around 12 different types in my kitchen closet that I use. He was always full of life force, telling how he receives all these powers of nature and the high levels of vibration, etc.

Along the way I realized on some occasions there was something different about his way of thinking. He seemed to believe every single conspiracy out there. He even claimed these blue humanoid people live in Sirius and that sort of stuff. It was as if he's realized the world was amazing, but couldn't draw the line anywhere.

Continues...



edit by request

[edit on 19/7/10 by masqua]

Everything changed at the beginning of this year. We only happened to have 2 meetings during January-April. The first of those times, I saw my friend had lost weight and got so skinny it looked weird. I told him he should start eating more and doing sports again, and he pretty much agreed. He was also not feeling as positive as before, too.

The last time I saw him was at the beginning of this April. This time, when I met him downtown and we walked to my place, I noticed this look on his face when I said something to him and he looked back at me. He seemed scared, shocked, serious, mouth shut, eyes a bit red... This time he appeared depressed and would not talk one bit about any kind of conspiracy or wondrous issues.

We went to the field as usual to throw the frisbee (we were good at it) and do some running and all that, we very often did a bit of sports activity. As we were throwing the frisbee a huge hale storm landed on us.

After that we went to the sauna to warm up. I noticed he had got even more skinny. He almost looked like a skeleton. I didn't know what to say. I was trying to tell him he should start eating more, start doing sports again, start studying in university again and get rid of this reaching of cosmic love for a while because getting involved too deep can swallow you. He agreed. And he actually told me he was going to start studying water technology, but that he feels like he should start doing some charity type of work that would really help other people. When I asked him whether he's gonna go to the same job for summer he did last year and the year before that, he said no, he's just gonna have a full vacation this summer. I found that weird, but felt like I would troubling him if I got too involved in his personal affairs.

Three days later on a Monday I was in [snip] on a trip being counceled to one of my projects at work.

The train jammed on the way back home, and my mother kept asking me via sms am I alright and should they come pick me up. What I found odd was she kept bombing me with sms asking what time will I be back in my hometown. I thought it was weird. She said she would be waiting for me in the car to pick me up from the railway station.

As I got back and went into the car, my brother was on the wheel (who also knew my friend) and my mother was waiting for me outside of the car and took me to the backseat. There was a moment of silence and I understood something's not right. I don't know why, but I asked has my friend killed himself? I never really suspected anything like that, but I got an odd feeling about it now. I also suspected my step-father would be dead as he suffers from astma, but that was not the case.

So my mother took me by the hand and told me my friend is dead. I didn't know what to say, I was shocked real bad and simply could not believe it to be true. I was devastated of the thought I was left 'alone' to study the wonders of the world (at least in such enthusiastic format.) My mother told me he had a cerebral hemorrhage (when a blood vein snaps in the brain.) Later the truth emerged. Two days after our last meeting my friend's parents were worried about him and had found him from his home looking really scared. He had fallen to a psychosis.

They took him to the car to drive him to a mental care station. He would slowly, really carefully take steps towards the car, being insisted by his father. Once he was nearly at the car he sprang away, but his father caught him up and they took him to the mental care station.

The next day, which was that Monday, he had escaped the mental care station. He had traveled close to where I live (a hill with forests and lakes nearby where we used to spend a lot of good time together doing sports and discussing.) He had climbed onto this sight-scenery tower, where you can see 360 degrees of beautiful Skandinavian scenery of forests and lakes and a town. Then he had jumped down. His parents didn't want to tell that.

Continues...

[edit on 16-7-2010 by Jonas86]



Edit by request

[edit on 19/7/10 by masqua]

He always talked about how we are all part of one big unite sea of consciousness, we're all drops of that consciousness, and once our physical lives end, we become part of that sea of consciousness again.

I'm not going to philosophize this further than this. I just think this should serve as a warning. If you recognize these "symptoms" in your doings, take a step back. There's a fine line of sanity between concrete reality and the wondrous world of unknown that many (especially ATS members) are drawn to.

I was left feeling alone with this "task" of raising consciousness and investigating this wondrous world. So I was really disappointed with what my friend did. I should probably have known to recommend therapy to him. But I respected his choices and assumed he knew what he was doing. But he taught me a great deal and I'm going to keep going ahead and spreading the message of love and of the universe, while maintaining grip of sanity.

If you have comments about this, I would be interested to hear. I would also be interested to hear from you why you think this happened to my friend (other than being raised as not being allowed to express emotions probably as much as people normally do, which left his mind vulnerable to the world of conspiracy, and made him thrive for the universal love.)

[edit on 16-7-2010 by Jonas86]

i feel for you dude. two close friends of mine commited suicide when i was 16. i had just seen my grandmother buried and the next thing pow!
although unconnected to each other the connecting factor was bullying by others. i was devastated. your friend may have been suffering the torment of lies surrounded by truth and/or truth surrounded by lies. we may never know. i coped by remembering the good times and knowing that as far as i can i will never allow bullying on my watch in any shape or form. i remember them on a regular basis and to me it comes as a kind of reality check. take care.
regards fakedirt.

reply to post by Jonas86


soon enough everyone will have a story of freinds and relatives who chose to end their lives because it no longer allowed childish fantasies.

it is very sad.

thank you for sharing this, it must have been very hard for you

i'll be honest this rings true for me a bit, i have been suffering depression for a year or two maybe more, and over the past few weeks i have finally gotten over the cause of my depression, but i have also (like your friend) worked out through all my research into the varying fields of the unknown how reality is an allusion/delusion etc

i feel like i am waking up to the way things really work, but another user on this forum posted a link to symptoms of schizophrenia, mainly the onset symptoms

i was shocked to read how many i was showing, and i like to keep an open-mind and think it is important that if you are going crazy not to dig your heals in and get it fixed, which i did when i was at my lowest. but i was suffering from serious depression grief and loss

. once i saw the doctor i was put on anti-depressants, didn't want to take them because i was also drinking heavily and that would stop the meds working. so after a month of medication i started to feel better, not really better but they stopped the thoughts that were so debilitating from hurting, so far so good i thought. i also noticed i did not want read conspiracy theories any more much, just didn't care any more about them.

so once all my stuff was sorted, i recently had an almost crisis of faith when i realised all the "crazy" stuff i believe is real, and around this time i have been the happiest i have ever been, also the most confused and excited about life and the universe etc but i truly can see the beauty in the world and am experiencing it with a renewed clarity that i haven't felt since i was a child

but upon reading the symptoms of schizophrenia, i am on a non-stop train to psychological break down lol EDIT according to the symptoms i read, i don't think i this is happening really, just open to it

now if i am open to the idea of the universe being a hologram, aliens existing, multiple/parallel universes and hyper-dimensional beings, it would be pretty narrow-minded to discount the possibility that i have lost my mind and i am sick

maybe i should reel in my interest in the unknown, but then if you believe we are all spiritually awakening and 21/12/2012 is us entering this new "5th earth", then maybe there isn't time to reel it in?

thanks op you have given me even more to think about, and again sorry for your loss

[edit on 16-7-2010 by DeadpoolPete]

That is a terrible story but know that people are gonna do what they want to do, you did what you could, but some people are just lost.

Are you sure drugs weren't involved?

reply to post by Wertdagf


Well you just sounded like a child in your responce to the thread. I hope one day you manage to understand human emotions instead of sounding like a DB all the time... to the op, Sorry to hear about your friend, its a tricky journey through the meta physical.

Sorry for you're loss. I can't relate to that but I can relate to the semi-schizo depression that DeadPoolPete talks about. I too have been treated for depression and losing thouch with reality. roughly 2 years of it. Ive come to the conclusion it was drug related and have been relatively ok since i stopped.
You're warning is sound and i urge anyone feeling this way to get help. Even if you feel on top of the world, if you're not going about enlightenment the right way it can all come crashing down, and if it does it can be really soul destroying, trust me.

Originally posted by DeadpoolPete

The 'symptoms of schizophrenia', that's exactly what my friend, too, realized about himself. This is why I'm posting this here. I think it's important to take a breather and go out to do sports when you start being in doubt of your own sanity. Our purpose should be to raise the level of sanity, not mix it.

Of course therapy and psycho-analyzis is always recommendable to everyone with normal traumas.

And no, he wasn't a drug user, during all our years I only once saw him drunk. He'd never even touched a cigarette in his life.

Originally posted by HanoverFatEven if you feel on top of the world, if you're not going about enlightenment the right way it can all come crashing down, and if it does it can be really soul destroying, trust me.

Exactly.

Reaching to the unknown is a great thing, but as said it can swallow you up if you reach too deep, or if you're vulnerable to it, you might just lose it. It's important to realize the true love is not "out there radiating in the cosmos," it's in the interaction of people, and the living nature.

[edit on 16-7-2010 by Jonas86]

I'm sorry for your loss, and I suspect that he was questioning what is really real and what is my purpose here on earth.

I'm sorry about your friend. It sounds like he was curious about the world. Maybe he was just a little too curious. I had a reality opening experience a few years ago. It shook my world. Some people handle things differently. Maybe your friend just couldn't handle something he had learned or witnessed.

I am very curious about the world and everything in it so I eventually ended up on a site that showed some of the most gruesome videos you can find of people being killed. I watched a video of three teenagers filming themselves stabbing an innocent man with a screwdriver in the stomach and face. Followed by hitting him in the face repeatedly with a hammer until you could no longer tell he had a face. The man can be heard gurgling and moaning the whole time. This man had a family. I felt so awake after watching it, and have never been the same since. It's one thing to hear about things like that, it's another thing to actually see it. I'm sure some people can watch things like that without being bothered but I just wasn't one of those people.

I wouldn't watch the video I'm talking about unless you think you can handle it and can get some good use out of it. I've become a more realistic person after watching that video, but I also wasn't quite ready to see it at the time because I used to live a very sheltered life. Sometimes there's things you can't unsee.

reply to post by Jonas86


Sorry, but may I enquire as to what those superfoods are/were?

I also live in Finland. I know the Finnish mentality (generally - there are exceptions even here) is quite easily upset. Finns are more in denial of the truth than most populations. I'm not surprised that he was unable to regain balance after the onslaught of truth he sought and encountered.

Don't blame your friend for his exit. He did what he was meant to do with his life, this time around. We can't judge: we don't have enough information. I'm sure he was lucid when he made his move out of this illusion.

Sounds like me a lot, beliefs about conciseness, conspiracies, healthy foods etc even the visit to the psychiatric hospital. The place he went to must have been low security if he was able to escape though, the place I was at was impossible. He probably thought that he would end up stuck in a place like that and didnt want to live that way. I was scared the same thing would happen to me because they wont even listen to you if you say anything like about raising vibrations, they will ignore you completely because they think you've totally lost it. Its very frustrating when people talk about you, right in front of you, but completely ignore you like you aren't there when you try to say something. I dont think I'd ever be a suicide risk though, I have no curiosity about life after death because some experience I had with things that cant be discussed in this section of the forum, plus astral projection. Being taken to a mental care place just compounds your paranoia and makes you think "they" are after you, it messes with your head, possibly what happened to your friend.

Originally posted by Naughty B0B

I would not watch a video like that. I sometimes wake up in the night and feel extremely sensitive about things such as violence, sex, the universe... That kind of violence is something that is simply better left unwatched, I believe it can do permanent damage to the 'soul.' Definitely knowing something is not the same as really understanding and feeling it. For example most people know the universe is vast beyond expression, but their minds are not capable of comprehending it. I sometimes feel a glimpse of how weird it really is, and it feels... strange.

Originally posted by CosmicEgg

I don't exactly know all about his superfoods but I don't suspect they were what caused all this. Basically just stuff like organic cacao, goji-berries, maca-root, pollen, coconut oil, different seeds and weeds and you know. No drugs.

we share your loss of a good friend.


but who decides really who is sane and who's sanity is questionable?

"insanity" to one may not be "insanity" to another.
"insanity" to me is attempting to conform to our societies' manditory expectations (laws) of which no individual can even provide a number of the laws that exist, let alone why, or even what they all are.


your friend was made to believe he was not welcome in a world that threw more expectations at him than what he could live long enough to learn. maybe, just maybe, we are responsible if we are not letting people feel welcome, but rather from youth on upwards telling them they are not welcome here on earth. if they were welcome here, they would have the capacity to both know the mandatory expectations others place on them, and they would be able to conform to such expectations.


i suspect your friend was not mentally ill, no more than anyone else in Finland, or on this rock we call "the planet earth".


maybe one day one somebody will call earth "home", regardless of the regulations, laws, mandatory expectations, legislations, ordinances, rules, etc.....


people searching for home, and while on their search for home, borders upon borders of laws withinin laws all like walls in a rat maze, barriers to the truth of who it is we may truly be, as compared to what others want us to believe we are.

again, i am sorry for your loss, and my participation (passively or actively/knowingly or not) in creating a society where he was made to not feel welcome.

personally, if it is your soul i coax
i'm only saying that death is a hoax

pleasentries & happy warm feelings,
et

edited to fix a few spelling errors.

[edit on 16-7-2010 by Esoteric Teacher]

Sorry about your friend, and thank you for taking the time to share your story. I can relate to alot of the posts here, i seriously wonder about the future of my sanity. Once you embark on the journey of discovery, the rabbit hole gets deeper and deeper and it becomes impossible to climb out. Theres no turning back after discovering that the nature of reality is on shaky grounds, the only hope i see that if i keep on researching i will finally reach some sort of epiphany.?

;
Originally posted by HanoverFatEven if you feel on top of the world, if you're not going about enlightenment the right way it can all come crashing down, and if it does it can be really soul destroying, trust me.
;
It would be helpful and perhaps appropriate if you can give an example of the right way, or point us to it. Thanks.

Thanks for all your posts.

reply to post by Jonas86


You seem to think I assume it did. It depends on how they were used, whether they were used incorrectly. If he ate only those things for an extended period of time, it would most definitely have an effect. How do you explain his acute weight loss? What did the coroner's report say about his condition? In any case, it sounds like a fairly rapid decline for him, less than a year's time. I doubt it was the fault of conspiracy theory and leaving off sports. Let's be honest, sports isn't that healthy and conspiracy theory is often just the result of better than average observational skills.

read this:

the reality is that this website ( and the internet) presents so much information, that you need to be strong mentally to not get crazy

thats the truth

I can see a lot of people here that just lost their minds, they want to believe in everything, they just dont question things anymore, they dont use logic, science ...

this website can be bad for your health if you cant distinguish theory from reality

Plus, there are people here that its hard to understand: they wait everyday for predictions and live by it! So, hoaxers just love to come by this board, simply because there are people that listen and feed these guys over and over again ... it looks like their brain cant process data anymore, they dont filter anymore ...

I dont know even why I read this board anymore ... but I believe I wont become crazy @lol

Originally posted by Faiol
read this:

the reality is that this website ( and the internet) presents so much information, that you need to be strong mentally to not get crazy

thats the truth

I can see a lot of people here that just lost their minds, they want to believe in everything, they just dont question things anymore, they dont use logic, science ...

this website can be bad for your health if you cant distinguish theory from reality

Plus, there are people here that its hard to understand: they wait everyday for predictions and live by it! So, hoaxers just love to come by this board, simply because there are people that listen and feed these guys over and over again ... it looks like their brain cant process data anymore, they dont filter anymore ...

I dont know even why I read this board anymore ... but I believe I wont become crazy @lol

I think a lot of people on the forum just play along with people who make predictions(and other types of threads), but that doesnt mean they are taking them completely seriously or taking their word for it, it just means theyll give em a chance so theyll go along with it for conversation. I have to disagree with you, I dont think very many people "go crazy" or believe everything, people just like to talk about fringe topics. Edit - I forgot what thread this was in, yes it can make people go over the edge, my point was I dont think it is that common.

[edit on 16-7-2010 by CREAM]