Homeless or Helpless?

It's very tough to judge or offer advice when you have not been in the same situation, under the same circumstances. It seems many people are quick to judge the homeless as always being there because of themselves, because of their actions, because they will not change their attitude.

I am sure the sight of a close family member on the streets living like that is a tough image to bear. You may feel it is your duty to give him help and support but at the end of the day he is a grown adult that can make decisions himself. That he has exploited and betrayed others after they showed him comfort and leniency is very much against him.

My advice to you is to sit down with him and explain how you feel. Let him know you will help him, but this is his final chance. If he betrays your trust in any way and exploits your kindness, he is out on his own for the remainder of his life. Make this clear to him and remind him of his past track record. Explain you are doing this purely to help him become self-sustaining so that he can get a legal job and support himself so that he does not have to live on the street.

If he accepts your help and exploits your compassion, he has sealed his own fate and there is nothing more you can to help him. He is no longer your problem to think about and any ill he faces is because of his own actions.

[edit on 11/7/2010 by Dark Ghost]

Well i have 2 brothers that are homeless here in san bernardino co. , one thing i have noticed is there is nepotism familia only hires familia and since most of the 80 era grads didnt have to learn spanish to get by then they are often overlooked...not that im racist or anything i know cause im married into a mexican family and they are in charge of all the so called county jobs so for whitey they only want for management if you speak spanish as well if not well then its who ya know but my point i really wanted to make is the homeless are like that because man or woman have no natural resources to live by in any way what so ever all forest areas are protected until an oil or gas company wants to pillage the land but they say people leave trash blah blah blah the trash is easy to clean way more than the toxins they put into our water air land ect so by all means we would all look and act like the homeless if we were left to get by on our own and what resources they leave us to use like well .....nothing ......you cant even park a car and live in it here in cali if you were on hard times they make sure you dont want to be "homeless" and play the game.... there is no food no water and no land you can survive on anymore....

My heart goes out to anyone who has a family member that is homeless for any reason.

Space Cadet, I am so sorry that you have to watch your brother go through this. I would imagine at this point, it would actually be a good thing for him to get arrested. That way he would be in jail and off the drugs. You could then intervene when he is released and lead him to some organization that can help him stay clean.

I know it a horrible thing and so many people fall and never get back up again. Right now there is still hope. You are a wonderful sister with compassion and love. Just be careful. My thouhts are with you.

reply to post by Night Star


The jail thought is a reality already for me, my brother is not the only one in my family addicted to meth. I also have a sister, and 2 of her children who are addicted to it. They have lost custody of my niece's 4 children. The state won't even tell us where the kids are, only that they are in custody.

My sister and her daughter are currently incarcerated, county jail, for meth possesion, manufacture, drug tools, and cruelty to children, for their presence and condition at the time of the bust.

Both my sister and my brother have contracted Hep C, from using needles, also my brother nearly died a year ago from MRSA.

I don't know how much worse it can get, other than hearing that one of them has been found dead.

I am not oblivious to what meth does to you, I used it myself for a while, but I couldn't continue to when I could see what it did to me, or my husband, and all those around me.

I was homeless for almost a year about 7 years back. I honestly enjoyed it quite a bit. There are no responsibilities to anyone else, no bills to pay, and you accept that your fate is to wander. Alchohol helps quite a lot, especially to sleep in uncomfortable places - and in that you can spin it into a somewhat healthy social life. The homeless don't like to admit that it is as enjoyable as it really is. Coming back up is not that much fun, every piece of paper you have to keep clean - updated Drivers Liscense, putting information on a job application that passes inspection, bad credit, insurance, and any sort of documented validaty to the world is an enormous undertaking.
I turned it all around because I met a woman that made it worth it to me to do so. Appreciation for passions do not dissappear because of alchohol or homelessness. You have to trust the person back into a home for them to have a chance at success. It took me about 3 homes to figure out how to do that fully, although I never hurt anyone or stole from them in the process. The best thing you can do is to make a point to talk to them a lot, at the locations they like to relax. Whenever they talk about deeper intrests, longterm goals in life, fascinations they have - encourage it. Offer to take them to something they would never do as a justifyable expense - like a theater or concert. Talk to what inspires them the most. When people in a homeless situation are able to let their gaurd down - and be themselves a higher mind is able to take over more. Drugs can be powerful too. When you show someone a path to being able to aquire consistant money for it, like a job that actually works out for them, they see the logic of a sustained situation. I think that needs to come first, before defeating the addiction. Once they can manage their own economy, drugs included, now they don't waste hours every day fixated on the next score. It is more time for them to think about the destructive nature of what they do - the waste of money they partake in, the next step in their lives. I think about 1 in 50 of the street people I've known make it out good and clean. I think that cleaning up from drugs always happened AFTER stability.

For a few, very religious entities have had the same effect.

If I heard my brother was homeless and addicted today, after my personal expiriences - the first thing I would do is find a cheap place for them to live across the country, far away. Pay for a train ticket and a few months rent. Get them into a totally new scene and see if that worked.
I wouldn't let them move in, not because they might hurt you - but if it fails they lose their most caring lifeline. That's not good to risk.

reply to post by IsleptIdreamt


Thank you, I was hoping to see a response like yours, one that gives hope for a hopeless looking situation. I cannot afford to pay for my brother to stay across country or anything like that, I already wish I could get him into an apt or something, but the money is just not there for it. My only solution there was to make suggestions to him about assistance programs. There are a few programs in this area to help homeless people, but he will not do it. It requires accountability, he would have to be on an active job search, be in at 9 at night, ect, and he tried that.

But if I could afford to ehlp him like this, I would.

I was homeless for almost two years. This came about through no fault of my own and I wasn't involved in drugs or an alcoholic. I suffered with mental health problems and had refused to seek help and as a result hit rock bottom and made several suicide attempts. My family refused to have anything to do with me.
After spending time sleeping rough and then moving from hostel to hostel I finally sought the help I needed. With the help of my psychiatrist and a social worker I finally found somewhere to live. With the support I received I was able to rebuild my life. I now have a nice a home, a good job and I do voluntary work with a mental health charity to help people who have been in a similar situation to myself. Not everybody accepts the help I offer them, but of those that do it is so satisfying to see the positive results and outcomes. I
My family are all now so supportive and proud of me. I have spoken on the issues at the House of Lords. I am now in such a good place and I try to use myself as an example that there is a way back up from rock bottom.

At the end of the day people have got to be willing to want to change their circumstances and accept the help that is offered. My recovery wasn't by any means easy, but it was so worth it.

reply to post by nolabel


That is GREAT, nolabel!!! You are an amazing person and worthy of all the good that comes your way......


On topic:
Speaking as an active member of the recovery community for almost 20 years, there is really not much anyone can do until the addict makes a decision. After many years of drinking, & doing alot of different types of drugs, Meth is what, finally, brought me down enough to make this decision for myself.

I had been "talking" with people for years about how my lifestyle was killing me. There was about 10 years of talking BEFORE it ever occured to me that stopping was even a thought!!

Sounds like you are being a great sister!! You never know, but your brother could have the moment of clarity he needs - during one of those times he stays at your place showering, eating, and resting. Keep the Faith...

reply to post by nolabel


Your story is moving, and gives me hope, I do think that my opinion of him matters to him, this is why I treat him with dignity regardless of his demeanor when I see him and talk with him. I want him to know he will always be special to me, but he cannot use me for a flop house either.

Thanks all of you for you responses, and I wish the best to everyone here who has suffered homelessness, your stories are compelling and all too common these days.

reply to post by RRokkyy


I have to agree with you. This world is such a F*D up place that sensitive people find themselves overwhelmed with all the misery and evil that goes on.
Anyone will steal from you if they have a drug addiction, no matter if you are family or friend (I have experience with both).

I have also suffered addiction before and I know how overpowering it can be. You actually feel like you will die without it.

The only way your brother can get help is if he really wants to do it or if he is basically kidnapped and thrown into a forced treatment program. I'm truly sorry to be so negative about it but that's the reality.

Best of luck.

regards, ATA

Originally posted by thesoundofbass
Well i have 2 brothers that are homeless here in san bernardino co. , one thing i have noticed is there is nepotism familia only hires familia and since most of the 80 era grads didnt have to learn spanish to get by then they are often overlooked...not that im racist or anything i know cause im married into a mexican family and they are in charge of all the so called county jobs so for whitey they only want for management if you speak spanish as well if not well then its who ya know but my point i really wanted to make is the homeless are like that because man or woman have no natural resources to live by in any way what so ever all forest areas are protected until an oil or gas company wants to pillage the land but they say people leave trash blah blah blah the trash is easy to clean way more than the toxins they put into our water air land ect so by all means we would all look and act like the homeless if we were left to get by on our own and what resources they leave us to use like well .....nothing ......you cant even park a car and live in it here in cali if you were on hard times they make sure you dont want to be "homeless" and play the game.... there is no food no water and no land you can survive on anymore....

Dear Lord! Do you have any idea what that little dot on the bottom of your keyboard is for? I have heard of run-on sentences before but never an entire novel. Punctuate, please!

This morning as I went home from work, I saw him again. Coming out of the same area. I think he may be sleeping in an empty house in that area. Breaks my heart.

My heart goes out to you hun. I wish you strength, courage and peace. Hugs.

I had not seen my brother since a day after posting this. I had seen him again riding his bike, loaded with all his belongings, down the main st.

Today he called, he was seeking help getting prescriptions filled, diagnosed with pnuemonia he refused to be admitted into a hospital, left with over 200 dollars worth of prescriptions he cannot fill, and called me to see if I could help.

Of course I will try to help him fill the prescriptions, I think by requesting generic I can get antibiotics for much less, nothing I can do about the price of a nebulizer or other script. He informed me he will be sleeping in the woods near another family member's house, they have no idea he is there.

Even in this state, he will not give up the meth for a warm bed, medicinal care, to be back in the saddle with the family, it is all so sad. So breaking my heart.

Where is rock bottom now?

reply to post by space cadet

he will not give up the meth for a warm bed

Where is rock bottom now?

Running out of meth.

Thank you for the update, Space Cadet. But we all make choices in life. To some, living without warm beds and regular access to food is tragedy. To others, living a life of confinement in an 8-5 schedule and wearing a tie in an office to please a boss you hate, is tragedy. And I once knew a girl who in all seriousness explained that she was happy with her boyfriends beating her, because it was so much easier for her to deal with physical bruises than emotional ones.

It is sometimes difficult to know what is appropriate for another.

However horrifying his circumstances may appear to you, it's quite likely that there is some other greater horror, to him...that he is running away from. Some other, greater horror, from which the alternative of living in the woods without certainty of a warm bed and food is a great relief.



[edit on 30-8-2010 by LordBucket]

I am really sorry that you are going through all of this.

One thought I had was to talk to a local homeless shelter to see if maybe they work with local doctors or pharmacy to get his meds filled at cost.

You could probably also find someone to talk to that might help you find answers to any questions you have or give you some insights into your brother's situation.

I wish you all the best!

[edit on 8/31/2010 by angrywhitechick]

I'm hoping for a good update to this story. I think about it and pray on it.

An update:

My brother turned up in the hospital. We saw him at Christmas, he came to our family event at my nephew's house and stayed a while. He left walking, we were all very concerned as he sounded like he might have pnuemonia, he could barely talk. It's not pnuemonia. It is congestive heart failure, and heart failure, which apparently are 2 different things going on.

He has found a friend with whom he is staying inside now, but the 'friend' is also a known meth dealer.
I have no doubt we cannot stop him from killing himself. He cannot keep doing the meth now without dying, and he admits he is not willing to stop it. He says he loves meth, and that meth is the only thing that makes him happy, so if it is going to kill him, then he will die happy.

So sad.

The best you can do for him is maybe take him to NA or AA meetings once or twice a week and get him in the mindset of beating his addiction. And when all is said and done he will love you all the more for being there for him when no one else was; for taking the risk of being stolen from to help your little brother; for looking past his addiction and seeing your little brother for who he is....but it is not easy.

the longer he hangs around those kinds of people (i.e. people involved with the drug scene) he will never recover so you need to pull him out of his situation and maybe let him see a brighter side of life. he feels like he is in a prison with no way out....that is how drugs make you feel....and don't blame him for becoming addicted int eh first place because the devil looks for that small opening and when he finds it you are toast; the devil looks for that moment when he can convince you taht it is okay to use for the first time and then you become addicted and you are essentially owned by the devil from that point on. until you overcome it.

I will pray for you and your brother.

May god bless you, your brother, and your family...