Wow, you sound like you have a great heart. I was in love like that when I was 18 too
Always remember that this love is something you will never
lose, within yourself. I am the same way with "work" and have the same attitude towards "education" it is difficult, but it just shows that we
are being honest about the absurd situations in society and the world before us (not to be confused with the world around us).
There are so many places to start. One thing I like to do is always have a new book about spirituality, wisdom, or even religion. I read them slowly
and as I feel like it, never rushing it. As much as I want to tell you a list of books, I'd sort of rather you pick your own out. And also I don't
want to suggest any as noone else has - I'd rather you get that sort of advice from many perspectives as well. But if you want advice on books, just
ask directly and we'll open the floodgates, lol.
Back to spiritual advice: Just be honest with yourself, "to thine own self be true." It's good to have a spiritual practice, but never make
yourself do anything you don't want to deep down. Notice that *most of this advice on the thread is not trying to force a path down your throat, but
helping you walk down your own. That's very good to see. And it IS what's most important for you right now.
Now more to the path, merely suggestions: You've already found meditation, I would also suggest dreaming, lucid dreaming, and perhaps astral
projection (who knows, you may have a knack for it). These things allow you to experience more in your sleep, and be aware of it. They don't really
effect your path, dreaming and dream recall is just a win-win scenario for your body, heart, and mind. As some Christians will try to be close minded
about Astral Projection - there are actually quite a few examples on ATS of Christians who have Astral Projected! Some who saw Jesus in their
experience as well. I hate to give Christianity so much advertising - the wisdom of Taoism, Buddhism, and Hinduism will give you more perspectives
and good attitude towards your life and practice as well. Understanding any culture will expand your awareness.
Last but not least I would suggest ATS/BTS, there are so many perspectives and open minds on here. This place is proof in itself that there are
indeed 30000 different versions of Christianity. A lot of ATS'ers do their own thing and offer their own perspectives. Any time you have a
question, POST IT! With your good attitude and heart people are going to be glad to help, and in no time at all you'll be the one giving the advice
as you find your own path. Cheers!