Religious and Relationship

Next month (July 14th) will be one year since my girlfriend and I started going out. I can honestly say that I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in. We dated for a month or so (a few years ago) then stopped talking for a couple years, and then last summer we started hanging out again and BAM we clicked and my life has been wonderful ever since.

There's one hang up in our relationship that hopefully doesn't lead to major problems, and that is the issue of religion. It's funny really, because we're both Christian, but I'm a Catholic and she's a Protestant. She doesn't like Catholicism, she criticises it, wonders why I'm Catholic, etc. I really don't have a problem with her thinking whatever she wants, because I know that we both believe in God and our underlying beliefs are the same: it's just the technicalities and frilly things that differ between us.

A problem I can see happening is when it comes to if we were to get married. We talk about getting married, and I would love to spend my life with her. The thing is is that she refuses to even think about getting married in a Catholic church, or practice Catholic rites. I was raised Catholic, my entire family is Catholic, so this poses a problem. I'd like to get married by my priest, I want to see my children baptised, go through their 1st communion, eventually confirmation, etc. But with my girlfriend pretty much thinking Catholics are wrong/bad, I don't forsee any of this happening. =/

Has anyone out there had similar experiences? What happens when a Catholic and a Protestant want to marry and raise children? I would appreciate any feedback or advice. Hopefully someone can give a few words of advice that might be able to help me out. Thanks for taking the time to read about my predicament =)

Interesting topic. My dad is Catholic, married to my mom, Buddhist. My two brothers are athiest, one married to a devout Christian the other is married to a Jewish girl. All married in the religious choice of the female. All three couples allow the other to practice thier faith without insults, an unspoken respect. The kids are raised in the faith of the female, with the exception of my mom and dad, they let us choose. It isn't a problem as long as you two respect the other. And if she is insulting your faith, I'd suggest having a discussion about how it makes you feel, because when the children come along there will need to be an understanding as to how they will be raised. Respect, though is key.

So that's how it goes usually? The wife gets the final say on how the wedding goes and how the kids are raised? She brought up the point once that the bride's father pays for the wedding, so they (her and her dad) should be able to say where and how the wedding takes place.

I think our kids will be raised to believe in the Christian God one way or another. We're both religious people (albeit different factions of the same faith) so as our children grow we'll nurture them in Christianity. Once they're old enough to make their own decisions and decide things for themselves, I won't get in their way. But while they're growing I want to help them grow believing in God.

This is really all speculation, because I don't have kids right now. Nor do I have plans to get married. But some day I could really be making those plans with my girlfriend, and it's never a bad thing to be prepared =)

My family history is similar.

My paternal grandfather was Catholic, married to a protestant. Whereas my maternal grandfather was Protestant, married to a Catholic. My maternal grandfather couldn't stand the Catholic faith at all, yet he married a Catholic woman, and his daughter married my dad (who is also Catholic).

I was brought up Catholic and still have reverence for the faith, despite being pagan myself.

My opinion is that its ok to disagree with others beliefs, but not to generalise. Accept the individual rather than grouping him/her with others. My maternal grandfather disliked the Catholic faith, but fell in love with a Catholic woman. He welcomed my dad into his home. He recognised that each person is an individual and should not be judged by the religion they follow.

Talking is the key. Your girlfriend loves you, despite your Catholicism. You love her despite the fact that she doesn't follow your faith. In the end it is love that will win out. Despite differences in religious beliefs, you are both Christians, which makes things somewhat easier than if one of you was Muslim, Jewish or Pagan.

In the end it is your lives and the lives of your future children that counts. Take advice from your family and friends but don't let them browbeat you into doing something that you would later regret.

Alternatively, you could both convert to Pixianity and you wouldn't have any problems with religious differences

This may not be totally related but your situation-Faisca- and Narnia's comment, made me think of it and thus want to reply.

Did you know..that according to the Christian Faith/Belief if a man is not a believer or is not 'saved' but marries or takes in a woman who is or a woman who walks close to God, then he will be saved through her. However, if a woman is not saved or does not believe in God yet marries or takes in a man who is/does, she will not be saved.

The reason; Men are closer to God than women, man stands between God and woman therefore if he believes in God he walks directly to God leaving the woman behind, but when 'she' believes in God she pulls the man to God with her faith *because* she stands on the other side of man. Does that make sense? I may be totally wrong, who knows! But I often wondered and questioned many on this particular issue and this is what I've come up with time and again.

*Faisca* Just remember the greatest is love, and love is stronger than any faith or any religion.

Thanks for the replies guys. Definitely great advice, I know it all boils down to love, but those darn technicalities! LoL. That was interesting to learn, magestica. The thing is we're both Christian, so neither of us are unbelievers.

I guess my main thing is not so much how to love eachother despite our (minor) differences, because we've been together a year and I know we both respect and love eachother. I mean we're both believers in God so there's not much of a difference in our core ideas. The hard part comes in deciding what church to have the wedding in, what religion to raise our children in, stuff like that.

If we get really serious and it ends up that we're definitely gonna get married, I plan on talking to my priest about it. Obviously this isn't the first time this situation has occured, and I'm sure he could give me some good advice from a standpoint of the guy who actually does the ceremony.

Thanks again, I definitely appreciate the replies =)

That is a tough one, but if you are both worshipping the same god, I'm not even seeing the problem. I understand your delema, but it is not something that I can relate to so I suppose that I am of little help.

My girl is agnostic and, although I consider myself highly spiritual, I am also highly anti-religion. Neither of us believe that we need to ask a religion or government to commit our lives to one another so there is no reason to ask approval to make such a promiss to one another (ie get married).

If it aint broke, don't fix it!

Originally posted by Jonna
That is a tough one, but if you are both worshipping the same god, I'm not even seeing the problem. I understand your delema, but it is not something that I can relate to so I suppose that I am of little help.

Well the dilemma comes in the ceremonies surrounding the religion. Do we get married in a Catholic or Protestant church? Do our kids go through first communion, confirmation, etc? Those are the kind of technical type things that could get in the way.

Dear you life is going to be hell or haven you do the decicion of how much is worth it.

My mother is catholic my father is seven day adventist none of them visit each other churches, and they been married for 45 years, we the childrens pay the price of it, we were force to visit both churches. None of my brothers and sisters including me go to church now as adults. We hate it .

Originally posted by Faisca
Well the dilemma comes in the ceremonies surrounding the religion. Do we get married in a Catholic or Protestant church? Do our kids go through first communion, confirmation, etc? Those are the kind of technical type things that could get in the way.

No I understand that, I just meant that it was hard for me to relate to the situation. Perhaps that is a good thing though, perhaps I can give a very simplistic answer because of it.

Marrage: What do you want more to have a ceremony according to your religion or to marry this particular person? What would mean more to you?

Raising Children: Well this is trickier as it does not just involve the two of you. I would say to find a middle ground that you could both agree upon, but as far as the religious ceremonies I do understand that you have to have it either one way or the other so that makes it complicated.

You could always have two kids and raise them of each flavor...or create a hybrid religion!

But them again, I never did get the differences between all the fractions of Christianity. I will have to plead ignorance as they all seemed fundimentally the same to me.

Originally posted by Jonna
No I understand that, I just meant that it was hard for me to relate to the situation. Perhaps that is a good thing though, perhaps I can give a very simplistic answer because of it.

Marrage: What do you want more to have a ceremony according to your religion or to marry this particular person? What would mean more to you?

That comment, as simple as it seems, is really what it should come down to, right? I guess I'm pressured into caring about what church because of my family and such. Even though I'm Catholic, I think that loving her would take precedence over where I get married. Definitely something for me to think about, thanks!

But them again, I never did get the differences between all the fractions of Christianity. I will have to plead ignorance as they all seemed fundimentally the same to me.

Well they are all fundamentally the same, I don't quite understand the factioning of the faith either. We all believe in Jesus Christ, that's the core of every Christian religion, and to me it's all that matters. I think that's all that people should really care about.

Maybe I'll just raise my kids in the Jedi religion and solve everything. LoL. ::insert lightsaber wielding smiley face here::

(BTW this forum really should have some kind of Jedi-smileyface.)

[Edited on 15-6-2004 by Faisca]

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD GET MARRIED BY A JUSTICE OF THE PEACE, OR HAVE AN OUTDOOR CEREMONY ASKING THE PRIEST AND THE MINISTER TO DO THE CEREMONY.
THE KIDS COULD GO TO BOTH CHURCHES AND WHEN THEY SHOW A PREFERENCE FOR ONE OVER THE OTHER, THEN THEY HAVE MADE THEIR DECISION...CHILDREN KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT FOR THEM, THE SPIRIT WILL STIR IN THEM TO SHOW THEM WHICH IS RIGHT FOR THEM. THERE'S A POST IN HERE WHERE A 5 YEAR OLD CHILD IS ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT GOD THAT ADULTS CAN'T ANSWER. THAT IS SO GREAT THAT A CHILD SO YOUNG HAS THAT INTEREST IN GOD AND WHAT HE CAN DO AND WHY HE CAN DO IT. IF ONE OF THE CHURCHES ISN'T GIVING THE CHILD WHAT HE NEEDS IT WILL HELP IN HIS DECISION.
JUST BE SURE THAT WHEN YOUR CHILD MAKES THE DECISION FOR HIMSELF THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH A DISAPPOINTED PARENT OR HE WILL ALWAYS TRY TO PLEASE THE PARENTS AND END UP HATING GOD FOR IT.

Marriage is about compromise... If you two don't reach some kind of compromise on this, there's trouble ahead... Protestants were historically persecuted by Catholics, so this is the underlying issue most likely...she was raised to despise it....

Some of my best friends seem to be Jew/Catholic marriages (go figure....) It's like twice the guilt, hehe.... Anyhoo, they simply compromise, and try to show the children aspects of BOTH faiths, so they can eventually decide for themselves....

In any case, I doubt either of you believe that your God will frown on your union...or on various rituals done or not done... If He did, then no such God would be worthy of your worship....

Well my Dad was Pebestryan or something like that and my mum is Islamic, dad converted coz he wasnt ever really religious (still isnt so it wasnt too much of a compromise), all 4 kids are atheist (we just dont let mum know coz she'd flip). But i think it would hurt to baptize thm if it means that much to you, if your girl cant accept you beliefs and compromise there could be problems brewing. If i was to marry a catholic i would be more than happy to have my kids raised catholic, then when their older they can make a choice of their own (as long as they dont try to push the religion on me, coz then they're grounded)!