posted on Jul, 27 2010 @ 07:14 PM
For me the transformation took place after I was able to control my depression.
I never really understood my depression but I do understand myself more now than ever before, so when I was in my 20's my depression had no reason
and I could find no answers. I refused medication for fear that it would hinder my Spiritual Journey because even in my darkest moments I knew I was
on a Spiritual path.
Why and how each episode was able to lift is beyond me, but each time I had to remind myself to rejoice in all emotions as a means of releasing them.
For instance, if I was angry I would spend the entire day angry; I would put all my efforts at staying angry and living the anger for all it was
worth. I did this with the promise that the next day would be for another emotion, regardless of the emotion, but I would not spend another day
wasted on anger. If I was sad, then I did the same thing, I rejoiced in the sadness so that every thought was my saddest and every emotion of sad
would pour forth. I reveled in the sadness as much as I reveled in the anger but I only allowed myself the one day. Sure there were many angry or
frightened days, many sad or dismayed days, many bitter and resentful days; but above all of this there were those few days where the sun rose and
nothing could be so beautiful. On those days I reveled in the beauty and I rejoiced and bathed myself in those incredible emotions.
It was years of ups and downs before I was able to reach my inner child. I didn't understand until much later that the abuses of my childhood were
trying to manifest themselves over time; I was a recipe for depression, anxiety, and fear.
I too was someone that considered my jobs as careers. I took them seriously and it would upset me that others would not. Often I found myself in
conflict with the lazy and the manipulative folks around me. I was accused of "Threatening" people and I was written up on several occasions
because of lies and accusations against me that were not true; the product of those that found me 'threatening'. I never understood those words
until much later that I was indeed threatening them, I was exposing them for what they truly were. Needless to say I moved from depression to
something more sinister. I began to believe what was being told to me, that I was the problem, that I was the manipulator, that I was the negative
force; I grew very ill, so much so that it put me into the Emergency Room with pancreatitis. I would go weeks with no sleep and I would have energy
enough for double my output; I was a wreck and I was burning out fast. I had turned psychotic in that I was beginning to hear and feel the most
sinister thoughts. Even being in the same room with my accusers caused such a reaction in me that I am certain now that I was not even coherent or
rational. I did finally take anti-psychotic medication. I reached out to a psychologist and I quit my job immediately. Of course, first I put in my
notice and then I calmly cleared my personnel file through HR when I presented the work facts that I was systematically lied to and lied about by my
I used the anti-psychotics for just a few days. I have always been against such things but this time I knew I medically needed help. I had
previously used Welbutrin (anti-depression medication) to quit smoking so I guess my fear was alleviated somewhat.
I found that both types of medications turn off the noise in my head, it turns off the pictures too; a bit like a zombie but with a calm rational sort
of attitude. I never took anything more than eight days total, then I quit to face the demons. It took time but I am finally through that dark
period of my life.
I wish I had answers to others as to how to best grasp medicine and psychology so that they can overcome the torments that present themselves. I wish
there were a set of guidelines in achieving and overcoming this, but there is not. I guess sharing is the next best medicine.