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Inside the mind of a schizophrenic

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posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 11:47 AM
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I think I am heading toward schizophrenia. I have it in my family history, and I am at the right age for it, and I've had some delusions recently, and some startling realizations to this effect. So keep reading; this is your chance to peek into the mind of someone who's descending into madness.

Here are a few things not everyone knows about schizophrenia and psychoses in general. Many people with these conditions are extremely intelligent and logical thinkers. I have read many quotes by philosophers and psychologists to the effect that pure logic seems to drive people into madness. People discussing this phenomenon often reference Nietzsche, a paragon of logic who ended up going insane, and of course there's also John Nash. By contrast, people who devote themselves to something irrational, be it a traditional form of dogma or even just an ideology (humanism comes to mind) tend to remain sane, as long as they do not experience too deeply the lack of logical underpinnings of any of these objects of devotion.

Here's what I think happens. Througout our lives we produce an ego, basically the structure of protocols that allow us to deal with the world and function as a contributing member of society. Our egos are basically defined by our environment; they are basically a total reflection of everything we've experienced growing up; all the pushes and pulls grow this ego. If the early environment is sufficiently negative, this ego will more closely resemble the neurotic "pride system" discussed by Karen Horney in Neurosis and Human Growth, the primary driving emotion/instinct will be anxiety, and one will experience compulsions based on this anxiety.

Often this system remains fairly stable. Even if the person spends his entire life in an inner hell created by the pride system, he is usually able to deal with it through integrating or meaning-generating factors such as a distant life goal or devotion to a religion or ideology. This keeps the whole system fairly integrated, so long as no significant event shatters that goal or object of devotion, in which case a rapid ego collapse or "schizophrenic break" can occur in susceptible people, where the whole structure holding everything together like glue and giving their lives meaning breaks down and the individual neurotic conflicts (individual pieces of the "pandemonium" to use "Dennettian" terminology) come into focus, and basically duke it out and tear the person apart. Milder ego collapses are colloquially referred to as a "nervous breakdown" or "going to pieces".

Now here's what happens when an intelligent person has developed and open-minded yet critical intellect and digs deeper and deeper into his own mind and irrational assumptions. As this person begins to dispel falsehoods and see truth, his compulsive pride system, which ordinarily has emotional defense mechanisms against realizing unpleasant truths, gets constantly thwarted. But this system is not actually based on the little delusions which support it, but merely employs them to keep itself in business. It's semi-autonomous, and if thwarted by one realization it will find another dogma to latch on to.

Thus in your life you might know some people (people who may eventually go psychotic) switch relatively quickly from one devotion to another, one ideology to another, and often seem to get quickly wrapped up in their new "fad" and defend it vigorously for a while, before discarding it and switching to another. These people may be going through exactly the internal process I'm talking about.

But here's the thing. The pride system has a lot of autonomy, and is much more concerned with validating our existing emotional experience by appropriately "tinting" the data coming in through experience so that they jibe with the pride system. For instance, in what eventually become paranoid cases (which is what mine will be), anxiety is the chief emotion. I constantly need something to be afraid of. Whether it's a fire-and-brimstone hell, the failure to triumph against my siblings or to maintain a triumphant position, the humiliation from my peers, rejection or abandonment by a female, the end of the world/civilization, spiritual-death sort of hell (this is all an approximation of my own sequence in my life history), no matter what sort of belief I dispel my mind comes up with something more to be afraid of. When I get over a fear, I get a brief feeling of euphoria, feel I've finally found peace of mind, but shortly afterward, surprise, there's something else to terrify me.

I have thus come to the realization that there is some part of me that needs to be afraid, and no matter what I do, will keep giving me reasons to. I do have an idea of what it is and how it works (see the Horney book above), but won't go into that here. Suffice it to say, no matter what blows my intellect deals to my fears, new ones keep cropping up.

They've recently started to get fantastical. I've recently gotten over about a month of believing that my clocks are speaking to me, or at least God or some spirit is speaking to me through my clocks. I'd come up with some cool idea, and check the clocks, and they'd be at a repeating digit (12:44 for instance), alternating digits (3:43), or in extra special cases all digits the same (4:44). This would "tell" me that I was on the right track. Originally I started to feel quite spiritual, but then the fear started creeping in. I'd get a thought like how I had abused someone in my past, and the time would happen to be one of those "special" sequences. I would then try to empathize and see vividly how I hurt the person, and I began to be overcome with guilt. And I realized that there was nothing I can do about my guilt because it was a fact of history. I had damaged my soul, and would always feel this way. I wondered if heaven/hell is simply a permanent emotional state (call it "genuine self-esteem" or "genuine self-contempt" depending on how you've lived) that occurs after you die, that you've built up through life (the "treasures in heaven" that Jesus spoke of us building up through our deeds). I got a heck of a number when this happened (I'm pretty sure it was an 11:11), which freaked me out and made me finally realize what's meant by salvation in the Bible, about the need to be "saved from your sins". I repented and thought I'd found Christ for a while.

[continued...]


[edit on 2-7-2010 by NewlyAwakened]




posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 11:48 AM
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[...continued]

I started reading the Bible, found plenty to scare me and make me think I was still hellbound. Surprise, surprise. I became a train wreck again.

Then I realized my whole numbers thing was nonsense. I got a more critical eye on what I was doing with the clocks, and realized that the clocks are in a "special" state (as I defined it) more than 1/5 of the time, which means one out of every five times I look at it I'm going to think I just saw something significant. Which is probably about right in retrospect.

About here is where I came to the realization I am discussing now. Currently I'm in one of those fleeting "respite" periods after just having demolished a fear-source. The realization is that this is a never-ending cycle. The realization that the more I apply my rational thought to my delusions, the more I'm going to be taken in by deeper and more fantastic delusions. I have not had any hallucinations yet to my knowledge, but I feel that they are only a step away. If my intellect manages to destroy my delusions, my pride system which apparently feeds off anxiety will simply produce something even more convincing than a delusion: a hallucination. And they will be scary hallucinations, because their purpose will be to provoke anxiety. This is what I believe I am in for.

Because the ego is still present, the compulsions are still present, but due to the attacks from my rational mind the ego will simply have to produce more and more obscure and nonfalsifiable things to hitch the ego onto. Thus you think God is talking to you through your clocks or something. The more rational a person becomes, the more susceptible to bizarre metaphysical ideas. But eventually these ideas too get attacked by the rational mind, and must be relinquished. But the instincts/emotions and the need to latch them on to something "real" remains, but are just driven deeper and deeper into the unconscious. Over a long period of time this means a descent into more and more bizarre delusions, until your unconscious finally starts producing full-blown hallucinations for you.

If your basic underlying emotion that you have not yet properly dealt with is anxiety, then it is anxiety that your ego must hold on to and therefore you will constantly come up with reasons to be afraid. Ditch one, and your mind will find another. You simply must be afraid. Get too logical and destroy all the easy ones, and your mind will produce weirder and more fanciful ones. If you're really smart your mind will start giving you full-blown paranoid delusions and hallucinations.

A prediction that could be made from this hypothesis is that modern cognitive therapy (which basically is having a less biased person help you discover why the beliefs that torment you may be incorrect or irrational) should be ineffective at treating schizophrenia, or at least at preventing relapses, because it is the anxiety itself that your mind requires and so your unconscious will just come up with bigger and better illusions. So I googled it as a sort of unscientific "test", and at least one article suggests that this is indeed the case: Cognitive Therapy Is Of No Value In Schizophrenia, Analysis Of Studies Suggests


[edit on 2-7-2010 by NewlyAwakened]



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 11:54 AM
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good job.
i like your definition of the ego- very good.

it is also possible that things are changing on the planet rapidly and the mass traumas that are occurring regularly are pushing EVERYONE into insanity. if the ego keeps getting shattered over and over by huge world events, then there is nothing for the ego to latch on to and psychosis occurs.



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 11:59 AM
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I'm a schizophrenic myself.
Personally, I don't see how all these other people manage to go through life and not lose their minds.



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 12:23 PM
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reply to post by CodyOutlaw
 


My friends all say I'm crazy though I don't believe it is meant in the clinical sense. I do see where you are coming from. The World itself is crazy; how is the individual to remain sane?



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 12:25 PM
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reply to post by CodyOutlaw
 


Two primary reasons why most humans are not insane.

1. They lack awareness.

2. They don't think.

Ignorance truly is bliss. They don't worry about things and zone out. They follow the herd and let others do the thinking for them, their boss, their preacher, their politicians, and their news commentators.

This completely prevents delusions of reference and to an extent prevents paranoia.

Another thing that helps is a fatalist attitude that is found among the majority of humans on this planet.

Most people just accept who they are, the way things are, and what happens happens. They accept their fate. They don't think about it. They focus on simple pleasures, eating, drinking, sex, sports, and other entertainment. This kind of attitude helps prevent delusions of grandeur.

The more aware one is and more they think about themselves and their reality, I believe one can fall into a trap of their own making.

I agree with the OP that logic is part of this problem. My own view is that human logic ends up resulting in mental paradoxes. These paradoxes then result in delusions. Humans don't like paradox. They try to make "sense" of things, try to find patterns, and meaning. I think awareness of the unknown and fear of it plays into the delusions.

Most people don't care about any of that. They drone on in their lives. They don't care about contradictions or hypocrises. They kind of function on instinct.

More "awakened" individuals I think walk a fine line between intellect and insanity. I think the greater one's abstract intelligence is, the more dangerous that line becomes.

In stark contrast I think most humans have very little abstract intelligence. This goes back to the lack of awareness and lack of thought.

At least that's my take on it.




[edit on 2/7/10 by MikeboydUS]



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 12:31 PM
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reply to post by MikeboydUS
 


I'd say you are very spot on. When I was younger everything was just fine. Then I got older and learned to swim. Now I see that even though I perceived everything as being fine; it most definitely was not. Once you become aware of the world around you. You have to learn to cope with the world around you. It's easier to just avoid awareness entirely.



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 12:39 PM
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You have all of my support and love, for I walk a fine line myself.
/



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 12:46 PM
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"One man's schizophrenia is another man's enlightenment". (I forget where I read that before,but in many ways I think it is true.)

I'd give that Christian angle another shot and learn to love yourself as Jesus loves you. He knows your heart and I believe He is able to help you through your anxiety.

These are anxious times. You need to have faith in something,something that never changes. To me,that something is God.

This may not be what you want to hear,but it's the best I can offer. You were very brave to come forward here with your concerns,and I hope you find the peace of mind you need. I don't think you are hopeless at all!

And as for the people that don't feel a little crazy in this world from time to time,...there's something wrong with them!



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 12:52 PM
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I think you'll be fine man, take it easy!
I have worried about things like that myself, but then I realised the only problem I actually really have is the fact that I was worrying whether there was something the matter which ultimately I decided was just me being paranoid in the most impossible to disprove way! I had weird timings as to the clock thing but I don't believe theres anything external to it, I think if anything its the fact that once you start looking out for it, you'll notice it subconsciously and then that'll be brought to your attention, so you've noticed it before you know it if that makes sense,

I think ultimately you can never understand reality through logic alone, the world isn't purely logical, theres logical aspects to it, but like everything, there is polarity, you can't do anything with finite rules without non-finite creativity with which to use them, this is the balance I feel, you need to suspend your sense of judgement and just experience for a while , live in the experiential world rather than the logical one for a bit,
it makes me laugh to think of these people after a unified theory or whatever, so they can write down xc+sd*cv-dc= the whole universe
it seems rather disrespectful to everything that has ever been experienced by any living thing, to reduce it to an ever decreasing number of symbols, and rather hilariously ignorant of the true value of anything



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 12:55 PM
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well i hope the bestof luck for you, good post but i dont agree all your symptoms are a sign of schizophrenia.have you ever tried yoga?

*Mod Edit: Removed illicit drug reference




[edit on 22-7-2010 by alien]



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 01:05 PM
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Originally posted by On the Edge
"One man's schizophrenia is another man's enlightenment". (I forget where I read that before,but in many ways I think it is true.)

I'd give that Christian angle another shot and learn to love yourself as Jesus loves you. He knows your heart and I believe He is able to help you through your anxiety.

These are anxious times. You need to have faith in something,something that never changes. To me,that something is God.

This may not be what you want to hear,but it's the best I can offer. You were very brave to come forward here with your concerns,and I hope you find the peace of mind you need. I don't think you are hopeless at all!

And as for the people that don't feel a little crazy in this world from time to time,...there's something wrong with them!


Oh, I haven't ruled that out yet. When I read the Gospels I saw a lot of genuine wisdom that jibed so perfectly with my experience that it was hard to deny. Many of those stories after which Jesus said "He who hath ears to hear, let him hear" I saw in a totally new light from the way I'd interpreted them (or had them interpreted for me) in my Christian upbringing. This, coupled with the fact that He would conclude the tale with that line made me think there was more to the Bible than meets the eye. I had a militant atheist phase for a while, but this whole experience has given me a lot more respect for the message of Jesus. I saw things in those words I'd never seen before.

At the moment I still think Jesus may have been a man who went through a lot of crap in his youth, made some discoveries (perhaps through the aid of hallucinogens), got a God complex from the fact that nobody else seemed to share his newfound views, and went about preaching them. He may have discovered that "genuine self-contempt" I mentioned in the OP. I still don't see any way to escape the self-contempt, except to simply refrain from empathizing with anyone I've hurt badly enough. I've made my apologies, but they don't seem like enough to me. Through my own ego I've really ruined some people's lives in my youth and sent them on a whole course of negative development. Thus the whole concept of salvation from sin really appeals to me, both emotionally and intellectually, in a way it never did growing up when it was dictated to me dogmatically.

But I cannot rule anything out yet, because other things have made it clear to me that I am still stuck in my anxiety. I thought finding Christ would change me forever, and when I started to terrify myself once again, I became disillusioned yet again. If Christ indeed is real, He will need to help me get to the root of my anxiety and pull my ego up by the roots, or else I will continue to be disillusioned and tormented by increasingly illogical delusions and hallucinations.


To everyone else, thanks so much for reading and responding. It really helps to know that I am not alone in this, even if that help proves to be only temporary.


[edit on 2-7-2010 by NewlyAwakened]



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 01:19 PM
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I rarely, if ever post on this board. I consign myself to lurker status 99% of the time but this is definitely something I can provide very valuable insight to the OP on.

My history: when I was 18 I suffered a psychotic break and spent two months in the mental health ward. I was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder.

Here's the deal. While my disorder is very mild from a schizophrenic standpoint, it was sufficient to put me on edge of the abyss. I know what you are seeing - feeling. I know that the things you see nag at you as false.

You know what I'm saying.

You are on the cusp of a very important moment in your life. The key is to not shy away from it, nor jump right in. You look like you can handle it - you are following the right steps in terms of logically breaking down what's happening. And you're right, you will have to do that for the vast majority of your life. However it will grow significantly easier as time goes on and eventually be unnoticable to you 99% of the time. This point you are at right now however though is a crucible for you. It *WILL* make or break you as a human being. If you jump in, you go insane, and you lose.

If you shy from it, you suppress it until it can no longer stand to be bound up, explodes outwards violently and you do things you regret - and you lose.

You must recognize it for what it is. That these are falsehoods in your life that are there, simply look at them, judge them, and leave them. If you get that 'nagging' feeling - trust it! It is most likely correct. That is your subconscious telling you you are starting to believe the imagination side of your brain as reality.

There is nothing wrong with spirituality or having a belief in providence. These are things which are powerful elements of the human experience. They should be indulged - though not allowed to overpower. This takes a firm hand and iron will. It may take many years before you can honestly even approach those two topics safely.

Above all - please do not feel that this is an unwinnable fight. That is the mainstream philosophy but I am living proof - over 12 years without any type of psychotic break without any medication (doctor approved). If you wish to ask me any more questions send me a private message and I'll give you my email address. I'll give you any support you need.


[edit on 2-7-2010 by rlnochance]



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 01:30 PM
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People live their lives bound by what they accept as correct and true. That's how they define "reality". But what does it mean to be "correct" or "true"? Merely vague concepts ... their "reality" may all be a mirage. Can we consider them to simply be living in their own world, shaped by their beliefs? In order to survive, we cling to all we know and understand. And label it reality. But knowledge and understanding are ambiguous. That reality could be an illusion. All humans live with the wrong assumptions. Isn't that another way of looking at it? And the push of logic to the extreme will result either in nihilism or in blind faith.



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 01:37 PM
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reply to post by rlnochance
 

Thanks man. I am currently distracted with my job (I should probably actually have something to show for being at work all day, beyond just ATS posts ;-) ) but if I find I need support I'll give you a buzz.

Lordy, I wish Karen Horney were still alive. If there's one person who ever existed who I truly believe could sort me out, it's her. I would pay any amount of money and move to any location to get on her patient roll.


[edit on 2-7-2010 by NewlyAwakened]



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 01:51 PM
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reply to post by xspinx
 


Why would peope so readily accept that which is 'correct' and 'true'?

It is because they are correct and true. Would you consider the killing of innocents correct? Would you consider coveting your neighbour's wife correct? Would you consider doing things in excess the true worth of being human, etc, etc?

You yourself, regardless if a person of faith or an atheist, knows the answer. And the answer is your reality, just as it is a reality shared by billions in the world. This the logic that you accept your gift of life, and logic is never wrong assumptions if based upon the studies and knowledge derived by our ancestors, who made mistakes, corrected them and passed it on for future generations to avoid.

There will be many things we know that is NOT correct and true, and yet we looked the other way, not because of fear, but because of tolerance and apathy. Mankind prefers peace more than anything else, and will only fight back when enough is enough, of watching those they love and cherish taken away.

Ultimately, in order to keep sane, we need to always reach out to others, to share and to discuss, and then find rationality to issues that are beyond mere common understanding. Life is not meant to be lived alone where paranoia will pervade. Only by rationalizing issues will the truth set us and our minds free...



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 02:01 PM
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reply to post by SeekerofTruth101
 

Humans once believed that the earth was flat. That idea was correct and true for them, but for us that idea is not correct nor true. Killing the innocent, hmm... true innocence is lack of knowledge, so by lacking knowledge they do not "miss" anything that was taken from them, even the life itself. Only you with the knowledge "miss" the innocents.( you can't miss something you did not know to exist)
So after the example with the flat earth, you simple logic you can understand that "reality" varies from one point of view to another, as we get more data about the "reality" the more and more the "reality" changes.
Reality is just a matter of perspective.
And reality is created by the very fact of knowing.

[edit on 2-7-2010 by xspinx]



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 02:03 PM
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Originally posted by NewlyAwakened
I think I am heading toward schizophrenia. I have it in my family history, and I am at the right age for it, and I've had some delusions recently, and some startling realizations to this effect. So keep reading; this is your chance to peek into the mind of someone who's descending into madness.

Here are a few things not everyone knows about schizophrenia and psychoses in general. Many people with these conditions are extremely intelligent and logical thinkers. I have read many quotes by philosophers and psychologists to the effect that pure logic seems to drive people into madness. People discussing this phenomenon often reference Nietzsche, a paragon of logic who ended up going insane. By contrast, people who devote themselves to something irrational, be it a traditional form of dogma or even just an ideology (humanism comes to mind) tend to remain sane, as long as they do not experience too deeply the lack of logical underpinnings of any of these objects of devotion.

Here's what I think happens. Througout our lives we produce an ego, basically the structure of protocols that allow us to deal with the world and function as a contributing member of society. Our egos are basically defined by our environment; they are basically a total reflection of everything we've experienced growing up; all the pushes and pulls grow this ego. If the early environment is sufficiently negative, this ego will more closely resemble the neurotic "pride system" discussed by Karen Horney in Neurosis and Human Growth, the primary driving emotion/instinct will be anxiety, and one will experience compulsions based on this anxiety.

Often this system remains fairly stable. Even if the person spends his entire life in an inner hell created by the pride system, he is usually able to deal with it through integrating or meaning-generating factors such as a distant life goal or devotion to a religion or ideology. This keeps the whole system fairly integrated, so long as no significant event shatters that goal or object of devotion, in which case a rapid ego collapse or "schizophrenic break" can occur in susceptible people, where the whole structure holding everything together like glue and giving their lives meaning breaks down and the individual neurotic conflicts (individual pieces of the "pandemonium" to use "Dennettian" terminology) come into focus, and basically duke it out and tear the person apart. Milder ego collapses are colloquially referred to as a "nervous breakdown" or "going to pieces".

Now here's what happens when an intelligent person has developed and open-minded yet critical intellect and digs deeper and deeper into his own mind and irrational assumptions. As this person begins to dispel falsehoods and see truth, his compulsive pride system, which ordinarily has emotional defense mechanisms against realizing unpleasant truths, gets constantly thwarted. But this system is not actually based on the little delusions which support it, but merely employs them to keep itself in business. It's semi-autonomous, and if thwarted by one realization it will find another dogma to latch on to.

Thus in your life you might know some people (people who may eventually go psychotic) switch relatively quickly from one devotion to another, one ideology to another, and often seem to get quickly wrapped up in their new "fad" and defend it vigorously for a while, before discarding it and switching to another. These people may be going through exactly the internal process I'm talking about.

But here's the thing. The pride system has a lot of autonomy, and is much more concerned with validating our existing emotional experience by appropriately "tinting" the data coming in through experience so that they gibe with the pride system. For instance, in what eventually become paranoid cases (which is what mine will be), anxiety is the chief emotion. I constantly need something to be afraid of. Whether it's a fire-and-brimstone hell, the failure to triumph against my siblings or to maintain a triumphant position, the humiliation from my peers, rejection or abandonment by a female, spiritual-death sort of hell (this is all an approximation of my own sequence in my life history), no matter what sort of belief I dispel my mind comes up with something more to be afraid of. When I get over a fear, I get a brief feeling of euphoria, feel I've finally found peace of mind, but shortly afterward, surprise, there's something else to terrify me.

I have thus come to the realization that there is some part of me that needs to be afraid, and no matter what I do, will keep giving me reasons to. I do have an idea of what it is and how it works (see the Horney book above), but won't go into that here. Suffice it to say, no matter what blows my intellect deals to my fears, new ones keep cropping up.

They've recently started to get fantastical. I've recently gotten over about a month of believing that my clocks are speaking to me, or at least God or some spirit is speaking to me through my clocks. I'd come up with some cool idea, and check the clocks, and they'd be at a repeating digit (12:44 for instance), alternating digits (3:43), or in extra special cases all digits the same (4:44). This would "tell" me that I was on the right track. Originally I started to feel quite spiritual, but then the fear started creeping in. I'd get a thought like how I had abused someone in my past, and the time would happen to be one of those "special" sequences. I would then try to empathize and see vividly how I hurt the person, and I began to be overcome with guilt. And I realized that there was nothing I can do about my guilt because it was a fact of history. I had damaged my soul, and would always feel this way. I wondered if heaven/hell is simply a permanent emotional state (call it "genuine self-esteem" or "genuine self-contempt" depending on how you've lived) that occurs after you die, that you've built up through life (the "treasures in heaven" that Jesus spoke of us building up through our deeds). I got a heck of a number when this happened (I'm pretty it was an 11:11), which freaked me out and made me finally realize what's meant by salvation in the Bible, about the need to be "saved from your sins". I repented and thought I'd found Christ for a while.

[continued...]


[edit on 2-7-2010 by NewlyAwakened]


I think I suffer from the same # you describe here, the only different is I don't let it get to me. I don't sit and think about it and wonder what's next. I don't let my mind and my emotions take over. I accept things as they are and go from that point forwards, always.

The clocks might be talking to me, I accept that, then it might just be in my head and I accept that. I take the both equally and then go on with my life. I imagine if I sat and thought about it all day I would go crazy, but I don't because it doesn't really matter. What happens happens and that's it. You can't change it so to keep on moving forward.

Stop trying to control and understand everything and just let it be.

Oh and that religious # is only going to confuse you further and distort your perception of reality even further by telling you lies and half truths to the point where you can't help yourself for going in the wrong direction...

Just my two cents. Maybe I'm wrong but I accept that but I also continue to live by it and I feel fine.

[edit on 2-7-2010 by SeeingBlue]

[edit on 2-7-2010 by SeeingBlue]



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 02:10 PM
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I have been at the border of insanity which you seem to be experiencing right now...at one point, I was literally expecting hallucinations at any moment, and I was already hearing sounds that weren't there. rlnochance is correct, this is a make it or break it point. I can't really give you precise advice as to what will work, we each think differently, but it was pure logic and diving into the depths of my mind, which led to a huge ego transformation at a rapid pace for me. The only reason I've managed to deal with it, is simply because I didn't jump in, but slowly kept pushing on with a very relaxed attitude about everything...the problem comes when you really, really worry about your mental health...your thoughts start to become distorted and and unclear, and you eventually self-induce insanity...I've reached a point now, where I can feel comfortable diving very deeply into my own mind and question absolutely everything, using pure unadulterated logic as best as I can...now it's something more like a hobby, then something I feel will slowly tear my mind apart...my thoughts have really calmed down and become very clear, my perception skills have gone back to normal, and I'm not suffering anxiety attacks...

And that's a good idea actually, find a hobby, I started leaning to program to help my mind, and that gives me a way to apply my logic skills to something practical and useful for others. The real trick, and I know it's harder than it sounds, is to stop worrying about your sanity, and take life as it comes, keep relaxed and calm, rationalize a situation before you start diving into deluded fantasies...your problem is, you're most afraid of going insane, and you're self-inducing insanity through these delusional fantasies...just take it easy, and realize that you can either rise on a path of enlightenment by understanding and diving into your own mind, and come out as an enlightened and much stronger individual...or you can get trapped and engulfed in the webs of craziness residing in the depths of your mind...don't question your sanity my friend...

Myself, well, I'd rather be mad with the truth than sane with the lies anyway. There will be no living in a matrix for me, ignorance is not bliss, and I will tear my paradigms open furiously looking for flaws...I'm sure a psychiatrist would conclude I'm moderately insane if I explained some of my beliefs in detail...but who the hell is he/she, or anyone else for that matter, to tell me how my brain should be functioning and working. As I said the other day, every single mind on Earth operates differently, and if someone thinks I'm insane, good for them, the only thing that matters is I have faith in what I know, and in my sanity. Never again will I start questioning my sanity, never again will I worry about going insane, and never again will I let anyone else tell me I have a "problem". I hope you can learn to do the same. Don't fret over stupid things, and don't take it too fast.



I think I suffer from the same # you describe here, the only different is I don't let it get to me. I don't sit and think about it and wonder what's next. I don't let my mind and my emotions take over. I accept things as they are and go from that point forwards, always.
DING. Spot on!

[edit on 2/7/10 by CHA0S]



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 02:15 PM
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On the subject of reality:

Reality is nothing more than your perspective on actuality.

once you understand that truth as a schizophrenic you can really tend to understand how reality is not necessarily true and as such is skewed by your own views. Moreover your reality will ALWAYS differ from someone else's. They are like fingerprints, unique to each person.

Your goal, should be to stay as close to actuality as possible, without straying too far into imagination. Once you plot that trajectory, it's very difficult to swing it back.



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