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Black Poison [BBOT]

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posted on Jun, 22 2010 @ 04:18 PM
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Black Poison - B.P...get it? *sighs and shrugs*
Criticism please...I always like my dose of criticism


Upon setting my paw outside into the unknown, I was horrified at what lay in front of me. I, until a few weeks ago, remembered this place as the river which slipped twinkling over golden grains of sand, gazed down by trees that showered pink, blue and purple. They were garnished adoringly by leaves fanning out from the branches which majestically displayed its splendour. Of course, I told Pippa and Ayia underground, who had yet to come of age, of the blue black smoke that wafted elegantly covering the small sparkling Gods. They seemed to worship the Lune which instead bathed the brown blades. It was until only a few weeks that my home appeared to be the beacon of love, life and laughter but now it seemed Death had held it captive, adding it to its vast collection.

The scene now around me shattered, scattered, the little remorse I had for these human beings. Mumma had murmured tales of history – surrender of the moles and then, the starvation. She said it was occurring again and that I mustn’t venture out. Yet I did. I pity my decision for my eyes now rested on the harmless blue-green bellies protruding from the surfaces of the coalmine-like river; thousands set in ordered rows in all directions. These were the last efforts made by creatures who had tried all they could just to live on for another day.

I scrounged forward disregarding the ramblings of harm caused by smell or touch that I had been warned of. Surely this was the act of those who purposely wished to asphyxiate us, fear monger us and banish our hopes. For I am one to not stand idle, however I am one that will stand for my own, my family, not for greed nor pleasure – but for what is right and what we truly deserve. As I scrambled forward, the pure horror became visible. Trees had slumped forward dead, it’s now dark locks matted by the sticky substance. The pure magnificence even in death dazzled me. The branches twisted and curled around its bark as if to protect itself, yet it could not. They had been deserted by its leaves; pieces of brown hovered until finally resting at the feet as if they were sacrifices given to satiate the vengeful Gods. All life had been corrupted by this darkness, poisoned by the blackness, only instigated by arrogance and yet the Lune stared silently. She just watched and stared.

I nosed my way closer, willing my paw to enter the sea. What would Mumma say if she saw me now? What would Papa? I’ll show them though. By bringing some back, and getting dear Pippa to analyse it, we’ll surely find a way to fight back. I dipped my paw cautiously into the water. Nothing happened. I edged a bit further. Nothing happened. Maybe our race was protected by the Lune? As I contemplated the possibilities, the wind slapped me and I fell hurling into the rageful wrath of the sea. Clumps of slime entered my mouth and yet no matter the amount if times I coughed and choked, it remained lodged, draining my lifeforce. I tried to swash through the barriers preventing me of returning yet I failed. I, covered in rot, could not move my fully formed legs or arms. Failed with hopelessness, my last moments were to ask the Lune why she had forsaken me. Misted by the oncoming conquerings of Death, I was regretfully beckoned by the future – the husband I would never have, the children. Hatred spurted out of me.

The serene atmosphere around me had been invaded by the impending threat, and I too was going to be its prey, for no one was exempt from the deeds of the humans. I, too, was going to be the prey of the black poison.



[edit on 22/6/2010 by BlackPoison94]




posted on Jun, 22 2010 @ 04:19 PM
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LOVE IT!

Very clever title as well
. Man we are going to have some stellar members with writters status by the end of this contest!

S&F.

I really enjoyed your use of adjectives actually, the wording was very vivid.

~Keeper

[edit on 6/22/2010 by tothetenthpower]



posted on Jun, 22 2010 @ 04:54 PM
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reply to post by BlackPoison94
 


Awesome entry into the contest, BlackPoison94, so glad you did.


Very well put together.

See, I told you could do it, you just needed a nudge.



posted on Jun, 22 2010 @ 04:59 PM
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reply to post by BlackPoison94
 


Oh God! That was just terrible! I actually feel sick because of how bad it was! Will I ever get those 5 minutes of my life back? I think not!

















I'm joking of course


Great story BlackPoison, I liked it muchly


Quack, quack, quack...



posted on Jun, 23 2010 @ 01:13 PM
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The pure magnificence even in death dazzled me. The branches twisted and curled around its bark as if to protect itself, yet it could not.


Very visual, all of it; I could see it.

This is a fantastic story, BP. Sad, yes, but so is it's subject matter.




posted on Jun, 23 2010 @ 04:32 PM
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I want to thank all of you beautiful people for taking the time to read it. Your thoughts were much appreciated.

reply to post by tothetenthpower
 


Haha, well, I had a lot of references to my name so I thought I would incorporate it.

I think I may have slightly overused the adjectives and the trees - I just wrote what flowed from my head, unpolished


reply to post by SpartanKingLeonidas
 


SKL, what can I say?
*gives a cookie*
Thank you my friend, for giving me the 'nudge.'

reply to post by LiveForever8
 


When I first read your post, I was mortified. I was about to look back and analyse what I did wrong when I saw the second bit


Keep quacking, Duck and thank you!

reply to post by ladyinwaiting
 


The subject matter is as you said very sad.
Still unsure if caused or was an accident, yet if caused - how inhumane!
Thank you ladyinwaiting, for taking the time to read it



posted on Jun, 23 2010 @ 05:32 PM
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No! I can not say it is good or nice. because it is not. it is not meant to be nice. it is a living night mare. an absolute horror. I dont think of my self as a human any more. I could not cope with being a human. they are so evil so hart less. so blind and ignorant. is this what it is like when a body gets cancer? I just wish it to be over as quick as possible. so the pain suffering and horror ends. I weep for all the animals and plants. how can I keep my sanity when it is like a hell all around me. and the humans are really Demons...



posted on Jun, 23 2010 @ 06:20 PM
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reply to post by buddha
 


Buddha, I don't think humans are really demons. We are just prone to making mistakes. This time we've really made a big one. So many people are saddened over the suffering this mess has caused our wild creatures of the land, air and water. There's not a person I have seen, who is pleased to see our wildlife suffer. We at least can get away if necessary, but they don't even know what has happened to them. It is a terrible thing. Tragic and devestating.

But we have to think of this mess as an extreme challenge, and know we are not going to let it beat us, or our wildlife. Human's made the mistake, and humans will correct the mistake. Eventually. We have to believe.

I was touched by blackpoison's story, too, but remember it's fiction.
She made it up, buddy. But it's pretty good, huh?



posted on Jun, 24 2010 @ 04:28 PM
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reply to post by BlackPoison94
 


Bravo BlackPoison94! That was an awesome little take on the situation. I really enjoyed it and I am glad that Spartan encouraged you to participate. Thanks for sharing your story with us my friend.



posted on Jun, 24 2010 @ 05:43 PM
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reply to post by BlackPoison94
 




Very good, Sad and tragic but brilliantly written.

Very vivid and the sense of despair and carnage was very real.




posted on Jun, 24 2010 @ 09:46 PM
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Really well done. Awesome read.
Thoroughly enjoyed it.



posted on Jun, 25 2010 @ 05:02 PM
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BP that was amazing....brilliantly written!!!
the title is really clever as well

Very visual and descriptive....felt like you were actually there!



posted on Jun, 25 2010 @ 05:31 PM
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Nice one BP, I can't come close to this.

Keep it up.



posted on Jun, 26 2010 @ 10:54 AM
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Wonderful! A very different take on the matter from a special perspective and a story that leaves me only able to say: S&F&E!

Thank you for sharing these images and thoughts with us.

Mike

*E! = "Envied!"



posted on Jun, 29 2010 @ 06:23 AM
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Wow, good job. You really captured the curiosity of a young animal. Sad that we are capable of so much destruction. Well written



posted on Jun, 29 2010 @ 09:46 AM
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I wanted to say "No, don't go out there, not yet!"

Well written and well done.

Reminds me to work on being more descriptive.



posted on Jul, 2 2010 @ 03:56 PM
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Thank you all, for taking the time to read and comment this.

I greatly appreciated it ^^



posted on Jul, 11 2010 @ 04:07 PM
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reply to post by BlackPoison94
 


Nicely written, I could really feel the sadness. Keep up the good work!!



posted on Jun, 12 2011 @ 01:57 PM
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reply to post by BlackPoison94
 


Nicely put and almost poetic. You should be a poet and a writer.
Just wondering if you ever wrote a paperback



posted on Oct, 18 2011 @ 03:29 AM
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reply to post by UpsyDaisy
 


Nope I haven't..I don't even think I'm old enough to do that



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