Black Poison [BBOT], page 1
Pages:
ATS Members have flagged this thread 10 times
Topic started on 22-6-2010 @ 04:18 PM by BlackPoison94
Black Poison - B.P...get it? *sighs and shrugs*
Criticism please...I always like my dose of criticism


Upon setting my paw outside into the unknown, I was horrified at what lay in front of me. I, until a few weeks ago, remembered this place as the river which slipped twinkling over golden grains of sand, gazed down by trees that showered pink, blue and purple. They were garnished adoringly by leaves fanning out from the branches which majestically displayed its splendour. Of course, I told Pippa and Ayia underground, who had yet to come of age, of the blue black smoke that wafted elegantly covering the small sparkling Gods. They seemed to worship the Lune which instead bathed the brown blades. It was until only a few weeks that my home appeared to be the beacon of love, life and laughter but now it seemed Death had held it captive, adding it to its vast collection.

The scene now around me shattered, scattered, the little remorse I had for these human beings. Mumma had murmured tales of history – surrender of the moles and then, the starvation. She said it was occurring again and that I mustn’t venture out. Yet I did. I pity my decision for my eyes now rested on the harmless blue-green bellies protruding from the surfaces of the coalmine-like river; thousands set in ordered rows in all directions. These were the last efforts made by creatures who had tried all they could just to live on for another day.

I scrounged forward disregarding the ramblings of harm caused by smell or touch that I had been warned of. Surely this was the act of those who purposely wished to asphyxiate us, fear monger us and banish our hopes. For I am one to not stand idle, however I am one that will stand for my own, my family, not for greed nor pleasure – but for what is right and what we truly deserve. As I scrambled forward, the pure horror became visible. Trees had slumped forward dead, it’s now dark locks matted by the sticky substance. The pure magnificence even in death dazzled me. The branches twisted and curled around its bark as if to protect itself, yet it could not. They had been deserted by its leaves; pieces of brown hovered until finally resting at the feet as if they were sacrifices given to satiate the vengeful Gods. All life had been corrupted by this darkness, poisoned by the blackness, only instigated by arrogance and yet the Lune stared silently. She just watched and stared.

I nosed my way closer, willing my paw to enter the sea. What would Mumma say if she saw me now? What would Papa? I’ll show them though. By bringing some back, and getting dear Pippa to analyse it, we’ll surely find a way to fight back. I dipped my paw cautiously into the water. Nothing happened. I edged a bit further. Nothing happened. Maybe our race was protected by the Lune? As I contemplated the possibilities, the wind slapped me and I fell hurling into the rageful wrath of the sea. Clumps of slime entered my mouth and yet no matter the amount if times I coughed and choked, it remained lodged, draining my lifeforce. I tried to swash through the barriers preventing me of returning yet I failed. I, covered in rot, could not move my fully formed legs or arms. Failed with hopelessness, my last moments were to ask the Lune why she had forsaken me. Misted by the oncoming conquerings of Death, I was regretfully beckoned by the future – the husband I would never have, the children. Hatred spurted out of me.

The serene atmosphere around me had been invaded by the impending threat, and I too was going to be its prey, for no one was exempt from the deeds of the humans. I, too, was going to be the prey of the black poison.



[edit on 22/6/2010 by BlackPoison94]


reply posted on 22-6-2010 @ 04:54 PM by SpartanKingLeonidas
reply to post by BlackPoison94



Awesome entry into the contest, BlackPoison94, so glad you did.

Very well put together.

See, I told you could do it, you just needed a nudge.



reply posted on 22-6-2010 @ 04:59 PM by LiveForever8
reply to post by BlackPoison94



Oh God! That was just terrible! I actually feel sick because of how bad it was! Will I ever get those 5 minutes of my life back? I think not!
















I'm joking of course

Great story BlackPoison, I liked it muchly

Quack, quack, quack...


reply posted on 23-6-2010 @ 04:32 PM by BlackPoison94
I want to thank all of you beautiful people for taking the time to read it. Your thoughts were much appreciated.

reply to
post by tothetenthpower



Haha, well, I had a lot of references to my name so I thought I would incorporate it.

I think I may have slightly overused the adjectives and the trees - I just wrote what flowed from my head, unpolished

reply to post by SpartanKingLeonidas



SKL, what can I say?
*gives a cookie*
Thank you my friend, for giving me the 'nudge.'

reply to post by LiveForever8



When I first read your post, I was mortified. I was about to look back and analyse what I did wrong when I saw the second bit

Keep quacking, Duck and thank you!

reply to post by ladyinwaiting



The subject matter is as you said very sad.
Still unsure if caused or was an accident, yet if caused - how inhumane!
Thank you ladyinwaiting, for taking the time to read it


reply posted on 23-6-2010 @ 06:20 PM by ladyinwaiting
reply to post by buddha



Buddha, I don't think humans are really demons. We are just prone to making mistakes. This time we've really made a big one. So many people are saddened over the suffering this mess has caused our wild creatures of the land, air and water. There's not a person I have seen, who is pleased to see our wildlife suffer. We at least can get away if necessary, but they don't even know what has happened to them. It is a terrible thing. Tragic and devestating.

But we have to think of this mess as an extreme challenge, and know we are not going to let it beat us, or our wildlife. Human's made the mistake, and humans will correct the mistake. Eventually. We have to believe.

I was touched by blackpoison's story, too, but remember it's fiction.
She made it up, buddy. But it's pretty good, huh?


reply posted on 24-6-2010 @ 04:28 PM by jackflap
reply to post by BlackPoison94



Bravo BlackPoison94! That was an awesome little take on the situation. I really enjoyed it and I am glad that Spartan encouraged you to participate. Thanks for sharing your story with us my friend.


reply posted on 24-6-2010 @ 05:43 PM by blupblup
reply to post by BlackPoison94





Very good, Sad and tragic but brilliantly written.

Very vivid and the sense of despair and carnage was very real.




reply posted on 11-7-2010 @ 04:07 PM by Magantice
reply to post by BlackPoison94



Nicely written, I could really feel the sadness. Keep up the good work!!


reply posted on 12-6-2011 @ 01:57 PM by UpsyDaisy
reply to post by BlackPoison94



Nicely put and almost poetic. You should be a poet and a writer.
Just wondering if you ever wrote a paperback


reply posted on 18-10-2011 @ 03:29 AM by BlackPoison94
reply to post by UpsyDaisy



Nope I haven't..I don't even think I'm old enough to do that
Pages:     ^^TOP^^



Ghost in the Machine [TFTG]
  Posted 14 days ago with 9 member flags
Bad Heroes [TFTG]
  Posted 14 days ago with 7 member flags
The Path to Gwethen Castle [TFTG]
  Posted 15 days ago with 6 member flags
The Con
  Posted 14 days ago with 6 member flags
Ghost in the Machine Part II [TFTG]
  Posted 13 days ago with 6 member flags
Adopt a Grimoire! [TFTG]
  Posted 7 days ago with 6 member flags
The Rooster [TFTG]
  Posted 7 days ago with 6 member flags