★ I'm worthy ★ I'm worth IT ★ I'm Valerie ★

29/F/California/Single/at times professional in small increments

Education: constantly truant from grade school. Bachelors Business, cheap state U, hated it, never went to class, but was on Dean's list, didn't dorm so I had no fun and loathed all the b@stards who did.

Family: none, never met mom, met dad twice, was raised and abused by single alcoholic impoverished relative although as I said I have no family. Humiliating. Devaluing.

Hobbies: Nothing, hated reading, no sports, few friends, mainly sucked up anything Hollywood & TV as that was far easier than drowning in my own daily suffering. My hobby was fantasizing about how my peers had fun happy lives.

Trauma: Very serious childhood physical/emotional abuse & torture, poverty, homelessness, sadness, constant childhood attempts at suicide.

Effects: I fully fantasize about very bad things and it makes me feel better inside, like the worst things you can think of. Not beastiality or cannibalism, thats just gross. But just the same physical violence I was exposed to like wanting to sock someone in the mouth. Unmentionables, mean things. Especially crushing whole worlds, planets, galaxies *BOOM* I'm sorry. It's just the effects of allllllll of this hell onto one person. I was so beautiful and innocent even while being systematically tortured, but that blind innocent adolescent joy does not last forever.

Sex/Relationships: Loved sex 16-23yo, until around then I discovered the truth about the scum world and began to physically feel the pain of other humans on the planet. Sex could do nothing to sooth that. Began seeing sex as what it was, not sacred whatsoever, not protected from disease, not unifying, and just part of reproduction of the planet using an engineered body. Went from 3 times a day to once a year. Oh ya, they call that chronic depression. Great. Ya being in love a few times was great, but nobody does anything for me anymore been many years. That whole thing is just over for now. It just dawned on me recently that men murder and rape at the same time, HELLO VERRRY TWISTED. Yet Kendra gets to have a beautiful sex life, good for her.

Sleep : Holy F I haven't had a good nite sleep my whole life. I've been falling asleep at 2am and having to wake up at 7am for my entire life. Then I'm tired the whole day clumsy can't think and I only feel SECURE SAFE AND AWAKE WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN. Sun has always grossed me out made me sluggish sad disoriented

DREAMS: My dreams have effectively destroyed my life. Too scary.
*From 4yo dreams every night every single night TERRIFYING about break-in's and being shot, being shot like every night and feeling the bullet in the dream, being chased, being beaten, being killed, being tortured, being raped, being bitten. These are my first dreams. And still reoccurring.
*Then a little bit older, TERRORIZING TERRIFYING dreams of falling, climbing up ladders and falling, falling of mountains, swimming in the middle of the ocean, cars falling off mountains, cars falling into water. Being in buildings that fall. Just very bizarre scenes and landscape. Mud, swamps, water. And still reoccurring.
*A little bit older around 9 is when hell really sets in and to this day I have the most terrifying dreams of UFO's. Never seen an alien but reoccurring dreams of going to my window to see MASSIVE UFO FORMATIONS. Hundreds of UFO's in the sky, they have finally invaded, and they are doing star and figure formations in the sky and spelling out messages. Although I can't remember the messages. Then the UFO's are shining a HUGE light through my window and I hide in my house because I know if the light shines on me I will be dead or captured or something. So I hide from the light. This happens constantly from 9yo.
*Now I have a mixture of all of these dreams constantly. EXCEPT NOW I ALSO HAVE APOCALYPTIC dreams of meteors, AND GALACTIC MILE-HIGH WAVES OF WATER coming straight towards me and crashing into me. Very few fun and beautiful dreams.

[edit on 12-6-2010 by MyProblemWithEvil]

reply to post by MyProblemWithEvil


WOW, your a train wreak... welcome aboard.

I hope we can at least be therapeutic for you It sounds like you are up all night, so here you will always have someone to talk to. I am looking forward to seeing your avatar. Welcome.

[edit on 12-6-2010 by snowspirit]

You sound like a real keeper.

Welcome aboard....I think?

I'm just forthcoming, I'm here to find out why I have been tortured by God/Religious/Alien obsession, and I need outside reflections on my sad terrible background from metaphysical people. ATS people.

I am sure you will become quite popular with the younger crowd here with that intro, sex sales and we see enough of it around here to last. Hope to see some good work come from you, with the amount of effort put into this you should be able to do quite a bit.

Hello there and welcome to ATS.

Oh by the by ... don't ever think for a single second that you are the only person who's had a fully sh!t life ... you would be surprised if you knew the half. I always said that if I ever wrote my own life story everyone would think it was a work of fiction ... because surely so much cr@p could not happen in one persons life and they survived to tell the tale ... could it ?

Well quite obviously it can ... you ... I ... and a million others can testify to that.

The trick is ... not to allow yourself to play the victim role ... never been able to understand why anyone would want to wallow in the own negative experiences ... to me that just prolongs the agony.

I have learned from my life-traumas ... and have become a stronger person for them ... now I help other people overcome their issues ... because I believe the best therapists are the people who have been there themselves ... not the ones who learned everything from books.

Every negative can be turned around and a lesson learned from it that will make you stronger.

I see people falling into two types ... 'sinkers' and 'swimmers'.

I choose to be a 'swimmer' ... no matter how hard it is ... or how tired I get (note I said 'get' because my cr@p' is still ongoing).

I have noticed over the years that the 'sinkers' tend to be very needy people ... and often enjoy the drama ... to such a degree that if things are actually ticking along nicely ... they will actually create a drama (really ... I have met a few people like this and frankly they sicken me).

So Valerie the question is ... do you want to be a 'sinker' or a 'swimmer' ???


ATS is a great place, I love it and I love the majority of the people who come here ... and whilst the 20 post rule is a pain ... it serves the purpose of sorting the wheat from the chaff (so to speak).

Take your time ... get a feel for the place and the people who post here ... and above all ... leave your problems behind and enjoy the time you spend here. I look forward to your contributions when you start posting ... especially the alien and ufo stuff

Woody

I'm not gonna lie, "train wreak" and "real keeper" hurts. But so does everything else in life (LOL?). I wasn't trying to come off like that. I'm here in seriousness for a serious reason.

IT SAYS INTRODUCTION, WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY? lol ok then here is this better: "rainbows and unicorns".

We have some things in common, except the really bad stuff(abuse, bad relationship). I am sorry to hear about your story though, but I am not sorry for you. You are alive today and looking for some comfort and understanding, you have come to the right place.

If you want answers you came to the right place. First off I don't believe in god, it's possible but I doubt it. Religion is a giant scam to control the masses at a time when they needed to be controlled, that's why it is no longer important. And aliens are... just interesting.

I lived in poverty my whole life too, my family was homeless a couple of times, and when I was under the age of 14 I look back and can't believe I thought and acted that way. I was a total freak, I thought I was going to die all of the time and I had a terrible anxiety disorder. Then around 14 I got over it and I am fine now, I still don't have any friends other than people on ATS because I'm a serious loner.

I have been through a lot of crap in my life, nothing like you, but a lot of crap none the less. I began to take on a very optimistic attitude at about 14 and indulged myself in god and Christianity, then I joined ATS and realized that religion is a scam. I am still optimistic though, the sun will come out tomorrow and the birds will chirp and whether it is a good day in my interpretation of it, I am alive and healthy.

Just always remind yourself things can get better. Make the best of what you have, I am quite poor but I wouldn't accept money for anything, money doesn't make me happy. Family doesn't make me happy either. I have never met anyone 'special' and doubt I ever will but I am only 18 so I still have a long life ahead of me. Learning more and more things is what makes me happy, enjoying the world through the eyes of science makes it so much better.

You made it through a lot in your life, and don't be depressed, ATS is a community and we rally around the members of our community when they are in need. You're a member of the ATS family now.

P.S. I added you as a friend.

[edit on 6/12/2010 by Misoir]

thanx woody! i want to swim!!!!!!!!!

thank you! and i love everyone's replies to my post.

i value this so much!!! thanks for replying, i feel alive.

reply to post by MyProblemWithEvil

Don't worry, you ain't said nothing that seems scary or bad to me...

Tell us more about this "Kendra" you speak of...

my relationships were good, i just became grossed out by sex and sexuality after finding out that we were "created" or "engineered" by entities or aliens from other dimensions. it just killed it for me. took all the fun out.

when i found out we were modified by aliens, i was grossed out by sex.

[edit on 12-6-2010 by MyProblemWithEvil]

Kendra's sex tape, best celeb sex vid ever reminded me of what ive been missing apparently. I downloaded from limewire, its on there. It's sad tho watching her have so much fun.

Originally posted by MyProblemWithEvil

IT SAYS INTRODUCTION, WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY?

"Hi"

................No, in all seriousness welcome - Lots of people have been through different things in life, I am sure you are not the only one!

Originally posted by MyProblemWithEvil
my relationships were good, i just became grossed out my sex and sexuality after finding out that we were "created" or "engineered" by entities or aliens from other dimensions. it just killed it for me. took all the fun out.

when i found out we were modified by aliens, i was grossed out by sex.

Why? Sex is part of nature, it is a cyclical cycle that creates life. Sexual intercourse is what has created almost everything in our world. With the term 'sex' used loosely we could even argue that our universe was created by sexual interactions.

Sex is what we make of it, it can be just a thing we do for fun with whoever or we can place a special purpose behind it as a representation of love and relationship.

Even if we are bioengineered by aliens, we are our own species and we are unique to the world. Don't let that turn you off of sex, because we are still part of the nature of the world.

[edit on 6/12/2010 by Misoir]

reply to post by MyProblemWithEvil


.....well, just remember you can't believe everything you hear.

Welcome to ATS.

Cheers!

Welcome aboard! Just know that you aren't the only one where life has taken a complete sh# on you from childhood. You just have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get even with the world by becoming successful and leaving your scar/mark on the planet!

--airspoon

[edit on 12-6-2010 by airspoon]

Originally posted by MyProblemWithEvil
thanx woody! i want to swim!!!!!!!!!

Good girl I was hoping you'd say that ... now collect your rubber ring and water wings at the door and dive into that vat of treacle head first.

No-one ever said it would be easy ... but it is always worth it ... swimming in treacle is hard as hell and very messy (just like life) but it's a fitness regime for the soul ... and once you're ready to swim unaided ... and you actually see how strong you really are ... well ... there are no words ... it is an amazing feeling I promise.

And the thing is ... if you'd never experienced the cr@p ... then you would never have the opportunity to experience such an amazing feeling. For that reason alone ... we and others like us are the lucky ones !

Woody

reply to post by MyProblemWithEvil


I was joking, obviously.
I don't care about Kendra.
I like you better than her already.