I care to much, My heart is to big for this world

reply to post by shauny

I cant move on.

I can relate...not to your story, but in general....

reply to post by shauny


You are surely not alone.That was a very moving story.Thank you for writting and sharing it with us

Truth is, the world is a tough place. Your certainly not alone. Ive went through it too. Trust me. I know what your feeling. Isn't it odd that we all go through this pain yet its so taboo to talk about? We here at ATS care about you because were not just a forum, were a family. And I hope you know if you ever needed any single one of us, we would be there, including me.

Life is worth living. And at times it doesn't seem like it, but trust me that it is.

Not me, I wanna seriously bash the face in of everyone who disagrees with me


Why?

Because they are wrong, that simple.

Originally posted by shauny
As a young kid, at the age of 5 onwards, I always will remember my dad beating my mum. Every night he would come home, and hit her and hit her.
I was 5, I just wanted it to stop.

I am now a grown man, 36 years old.
And these this still haunts me to this day.
I love my mum. she is dying, she has cancer of the lungs.
I love my dad also. He remarried, and is a shaddow of his former self.
They have both moved on.

I cant move on.

As I moved into my mid teens, my mum and dad split up.
I was happy with this. A year later, my big brother was diagnosed with cancer and died when he was 28.

I have a beutifull wife, and 3 lovely kids.
But I suffer from severe depression and suicidal thoughts.
Anything who suffers suicidal thoughts will tell you its a very very selfish place to be.
You know you shouldnt be thinking like this, but every nerve ending in your being tells you its a cowards way out, and to go and take it.

I live my my life these days, with ethics and morals high on my agenda.
Like most I wear a mask, I dont want people to see the "real me"
I work with kids, I am a volenteer worker. I am also severely disabled.
I put SO MUCH into other people, caring for other people, helping other people, that I forget about me, and the people that are in my house.
I cry often. sometimes for no reason. I hide all this from my partner.
She is 8 months pregnant (and yes, some will say, why have kids with a mind like this), and yes, you are probably correct.
My daughter was 1 year old 2 weeks ago, and she keeps me strong.
1 look at her, my heart melts, and my worries go away.

But then nightime comes. and the bad thoughts appear.
We live in a society where nobody cares.
Your social workers, your Dr's, all the above, they do it for thier wage.
I have yet to come across a person who does things for the same reason I do.
To help others.

Right now, I am sitting here alone, and I want to end it all.
I am a burdon to my family, and I am a burdon to the world.

I will not, and cant change my ways.
I need to help people, I want to help people.
But who helps the helpers in life ?

I feel I am alone in trying to chance the world.
I feel I am alone in wanting a better world.
Each time I turn on the news my heart sinks. I see suffering, death, war, greed, corporate greed, evil people.

I am alone here ?
Can anyone share my pain ?

From Scotland with Love.

Shaun.

[edit on 4/6/2010 by shauny]

You are not alone, please click the link in my signature, please. I feel i am waaaay more advanced than anyone around me. Way too ahead of my time and i feel soooo alone.

reply to post by UberL33t


Hi Shaunny!
Im from Scotland and have had much suffering in my life (lost a daughter, suffer an incurable illness etc) but a long time ago i found a book that helped me so much. I was not the religious type, just so down and beaten but this book...everytime i opened it, just gave me so much hope. Mahatma Gandi once said this of it "My life has been full of external tragedies and if they have not left any visible effect on me, I owe it to the teachings of the Bhagavad Gita". Strangely enough there is a thread on it right now, read what people have to say about it. As i say im Scottish so dont think the book is for just Hindu's etc, it is for all people at all time's. I highly recomend you try it, what have you got to loose?

The Beautiful Bhagavad Gita thread www.abovetopsecret.com...

Im sorry is this a short story or a true cry from the heart? If so pleases U2U me.. If not... WOW
2ND

As they say, it is a dog eat dog world. Your heart is definitely too big for this world. What you need to do is strengthen your heart, take off some fat and lean out your heart. Put the muscle back in it.

Here are some tips:
1. The things that sound the worst are what you need to do. Depression's goal is to kill you. Flip it off and do exactly the opposite of what it tells you to do. Remember, depression is the absence of god's programming, not the presence.
2.Distract yourself. Hobbies are the destroyers of depression. Find something you love to do and spend countless hours on it.
3. People. You need to be around people, people make you happy. I would suggest joining a church group or some group that helps people out, based on what you said.
4. Help other people. When you help people, it's like pressing the happy button, you automatically become happy.
5. Get a pet, grow a garden.
6. Eat Taco Bell (not really).

reply to post by shauny


Dearest Shaun,

And I sincerly mean that salutation.

You are suffering from a soul that has been scarred.

Yes, I know where you are coming from to a certain degree.

While my mother who would have been 100 this December 10th died when I was ten, she was a wonderful mother, after her death (I was ten) my life resembled a lot of Oliver Twist.

1) Your children and wife need you...................concentrate on making them happy and performing acts of kindness to them.

2) I have found therapy in helping others less fortunate then myself. Just volunteer one day a month to an animal shelter, a homeless shelter, something where you are out and among people less fortunate than you.

3) Try to forgive your father. Let it go. That single holding onto your experience is keeping you prisoner.

And remember, once my mother died, I was ten. I was orphaned to the world and my life was very harsh, I was a victim to many................so live as long as you can and take care of your children, they need you. No one will protect and defend them as you would.

Start trying to think of what you can do for others. Yes, you deserve healing, but it will only come once you give of yourself to others.

I don't know why but that is what will heal your soul.

Best wishes and loving thoughts I send to you. You sound like a most extraordinary soul.

reply to post by sliceNodice


Wise advice and a man after my own heart.