News behemoth CNN may have made a "serious reporting error" today, according to top government officials, when its website, www.cnn.com, featured a
story that detailed U.S. military plans to strike Iraq.
Attorney General John-Richard Ashcroft made a statement during this hour calling the posting of the story "probably ridiculous".
"Jesus, Mary, Yussuf !" he stammered, his face red with rage. "I mean...God, Allhas! That was our war plan! We worked really hard on that! Does CNN
not think that the Iraqis can access the Internet!? Well guess what: they can! That's right, those mustaches monkeys are more technologically
advanced than you think! I mean --"
Ashcroft was then pulled roughly aside by his publicist, who was muttering something about "enduring damage control".
Several Iraqi officials have already stepped forward to thank CNN for its "generosity" and "sense of good will".
"It is reassuring to know that though many are against us, avoiding war is a dream still held by some in America," one spokesman said. "Well, there
and the rest of the world."
Thomas E. Ricks, the article's author, is reportedly "really embarrassed" about the situation.
"Damnit!" he said, smacking his head with his fist. "God, Allhas! what was I thinking? I'm always doing this. My mom always told me, 'Tom, make
sure you think before you post (Nans always do that to !) information that could be damaging to your country or beneficial to their enemies.' I
should've listened to you, mother."
Ricks then burst into tears and ran into the distance.
A spokesman for the news conglomerate said that CNN is "deeply sorry" for any damage they may have cost the nation, but to keep in mind that "risks
are all part of the journalism game."
"Sometimes, in a rush to get a story, a news reporter or the company he works for will make an occasional judgment flaw, such as failing to get a
specific quote, or printing sensitive military information." the spokesman stated. "We could sit here all day and talk about whose fault this is,
but the bottom line is, it's a common mistake."
Defense Secretary Donald Rummsfeld warns that developing a new military plan of attack could take years.
"This plan was a careful blend of strategy and power, taking us most of one night and over four cases of beer to develop," he said angrily. "Making
a new one could take equally as long, and when combining this with the time spent wasting taxpayers' dollars on frivolous debating and Playstation 2
time, we're looking at a time frame of at least three years."
"Or, we will go with Plan B, which is to drop several atomic and hydrogen bombs over the entire continent of Europe," he added.