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Obama nominates Lou Costello Elena Kagan to Supreme Court
In a move signaling his continued dissatisfaction with the composition of the Supreme Court, President Obama has selected Elena Kagan as the nation's first apparently asexual Supreme Court nominee as a replacement to retiring justice, John Paul Stevens.
While many complain that the Supreme Court is far too white, or too Catholic, or too male, Obama explained in a press conference that he instead felt the court was too gender-identifiable.
"Look," said the President, "we've got these men and women on the court that we all knew from the start were men or women. Well, except for Sotomayor, but then she outed herself as a wise Latina woman. But who is representing this country's androgynous population? Who will speak for 'Pat'?" he said, referring to the recurring Saturday Night Live character portrayed as indistinguishable as male or female.
The response to Obama's nominee has been mixed on both sides of the aisle.
"I thought we knew it was a she? She's a lesbian, right?" said Democratic Senator, Patrick Leahy. "No," disagreed fellow Democrat, Tom Harkin. "It's clearly a he. I saw bulge. At least I think I saw bulge . . .oh don't look at me like that, I meant his ADAM'S APPLE you twit!"
On the Republican side, Indiana Congressman, Mike Pence, couldn't stop laughing long enough to provide W&E a response, but Senator Richard Boehner offered that " be it man, woman, or mutant, we will oppose its nomination on the principled grounds that it's crazy as a cuckoo clock."
With curiosity boiling over, the Senate Judiciary Committee even altered the standard questionnaire that is completed by all prospective SCOTUS jurists prior to confirmation hearings. "We asked whether Kagan pees standing up, for instance," said California Representative, Diane Feinstein. "Kagan responded 'Yes.' However, the nominee also complained of arthritic knees and finds sitting uncomfortable. So that was no help."
Washington isn't the only group exploring the new nominee's status. Hollywood and the entertainment industry are also weighing in. For instance, the Indigo Girls and Sir Elton John have posted on their Titter accounts which chromosomes Kagan possesses. While they came down with different answers, each agreed Kagan is homosexual. "He's clearly a gay male, you can tell by his hands," said John, while Indigo Girl, Emily Saliers (the redhead) countered that "she is most definitely a lesbian, of the stout variety. See the haircut?"
On what kind of judge Kagan will make, experts claim it is impossible to tell given the dearth of material to examine. "Kagan's legal philosophy is as indiscernible as Kagan's gender," said Constitutional scholar, Michael McFeely. "And who knows where she ? or is it he? ugh ? will fall on women's issues, or men's issues, or gay issues, or transgender issues, or ... or on any issues, really. I'm not sure we can even rule out a special affinity for animal rights at this point," McFeely shrugged.
The President, however, seemed unfazed by the rampant speculation surrounding his nominee's legal stances, and his/her gender. "Kagan is qualified precisely BECAUSE of that ambiguity. Let me be clear ? actually let me not be clear in this case, because I don't think I can be clear, but the bottom line is Democrats should be happy to have a special interest represented on the court, even if we don't know what that interest is, and the Republicans should be happy because Kagan represents the middle. Maybe not ideologically, but perhaps anatomically."
Read more: Very reliable news source