posted on May, 28 2010 @ 07:41 PM
In college I felt exactly as you described. Out of body. Watching myself. Pushing my limbs through the motions as if I was somebody manipulating
the strings of a puppet from up above it. I saw myself down below, my life moving by, but I wasn't there. I was outside of it.
Whenever I smiled, it was like I mailed an envelope down to my body with a letter in it that said "smile." When I spoke to people, when I worked,
every interaction was like watching something on television, and I was a script writer giving the actor known as "me" more lines of script.
I looked forward to nothing. I had no ambitions or plans. I didn't go out. I didn't date. I just worked and pushed myself through school.
It seemed to continue that way forever. I just looked around at the world and saw nothing with any meaning or purpose. I felt like I wasn't even
alive... like some disembodied consciousness witnessing a really really boring drama on a black-and-white television with only 1 set that the cast
acted on, but none of the actors were even real. Just cut-outs or puppets.
It wasn't until I finally sought the help of a psychologist on campus that I dug up a lot of stuff in the past that I had forced out of my mind. My
father leaving when I was a kid. My mom's alcoholism and the loneliness and fear I felt as she alternated between ignoring me or being verbally
I felt loneliness, hopelessness, and such a lack of attention and love from ages 12-18 that by the time I got to college I was living outside myself,
I suppose as some kind of psychological defense mechanism.
I never used any drugs, because I didn't want the "resume" of who I was as a person to ever show any such weakness or dispositions. I just managed
my experience by unconsciously choosing not to feel anything at all.
I don't know how I maintained my GPA. I just don't know how I did it, but I think I was motivated by the idea that if I didn't get good grades and
a good job, nobody would ever love me. So I spent years trying to do just that. I didn't have a single friend, date, or phone call all that
It was a living hell.
[edit on 28-5-2010 by 30_seconds]