reply to post by Unity_99
I hear what you're saying. A friend called it: Driving with your foot full on the gas and break at the same time. It just seems like a lot of
resistance when put in that analogy.
How I interpret going forwards while in that letting go sense is I pretty much try not to stress over anything or say for instance... I found a new
possible employer for some art contracts, but it didnt feel right... despite the fact it was an avenue to go, it just didn't feel right. I may still
contact them, but the point I'm making is I don't push what doesn't feel necessary. If I push at all its feels like its more undoing what I've
done wrong. Getting myself out of a mess I created so to speak.
Its an interesting topic to me because I used to be very YIN'd out so to speak.. yet not... like I've never been more relaxed and such as now but
there has been a calling to really develop the strength of the ego to push on. I really needed to develop a certain confidence level to live the life
I want. So there is some definite pushing going on and they are lessons I've embraced. I got a lot of fire energy in this astrology of mine, i'm a
peaceful bull mixed with the ram. I got all the horns of the zodiac so to speak. It comes out as optimism but also an unstoppable sense of
Some astrology put it into terms I feel are familiar... like I'm pulling back in what I once rejected. I feel like I'm coming to terms with my past
a lot and the other qualities that I felt I didn't need i'm starting to find interesting again.
For instance a big problem of mine, and i've asked advice for this on a few occassions because I feel stuck on it.. I ask "How can I learn to take?
I want to little for myself, but I want that strength and determination"....
you know what its sort of like? Its like an illness, a yin imbalance from leading too many lives that were directed to the feminine energy.. to
enlightenment, ego purification or something like that. People may think its a good thing to be so detached but its like I'm too ahead of myself..
i'm not ready to be this detached materially. ... yes I can swallow my pride but I wonder if I am capable of pride if renounce its use to me? Much
has changed in that regard but its been a constant development for me to really work on that PUSH factor.
I realized about a month ago, which really added a big piece to this puzzle... I said to myself... Ok... I'm here... I want.. SOME..things in life...
and do I want them or just sort of want them?... When you just sort of want them you still get them, but it happens slower.. there is less drive..
But i realized... hell with that.. If I make a decision to get something i'm going to ##$$in get it! you know? And its not just material, its just
application of willpower to ambitions that still have some meaning to your life.
You see I figure there's a lot of clues to it, how we undermine ourselves with our self-perceptions.
My favourite analogy of what i'm going for is: "Be like water"... it is gentle, soft and healing, but has the ability to shape mountains.
I'm trying to balance the male / feminine energies, not KILL one of them. I figure its not so simple. I had some recent revelations a month ago or
so... where I had a powerful meditative experience we'll say.. and I realized...
People speaks of evolving spiritually, raising the spiritual ladder. And I found this humorous.. since it implies an ambitious pursuit. And then
there is that quote "going up or down the ladder, it's still unstable".
But I realized the "spiritual" way would be just to hop off the ladder entirely... yet I think all things are spiritual but if you wanted to say the
most "yin'd out" way.. then I would say that.
I basically thought that as my ego desired to evolve... it would eventually see it is more then its limited identity..imagine pulling your view away
from a fractal seeings it part of something bigger... raise into the sky and see the earth you are standing on... the more you pull away from your
ego.. the more you realize you have more to work with...
Its like.. I thought this makes a lot of sense.. because as we evolve the challenges have to meet our level... so I was thinking you know its perfect
that as we become better... life becomes better, the world becomes more beautiful, making it more appealing, the desire increases.
Its like becoming more spiritual but realizing you have a greater power available to you now. The lure is always matched.
So I sort of see a distant future projection of myself as like this form in the room that looks EXTREMELY focussed...entirely peaceful yet
ridiculously powerful, a great containment of energy it acquired simply through its own efficiency, it need not be chased after.
So its like you gain all this power but you become equally mindful of how to use it.. Which could be why you don't see stars or galaxies chasing
after each other and waging war, they do that through us, the smaller fractals! but hey.. for all we know that could be a simple expression of
freedom, something regarded as a universal right. But I am externalizing again.. because to me it all seems like aspects of one mind all
I'm getting off topic.
But it seems to me the lure of the ego will always be there... or it comes back to this thought of relative observation of the entirety from any
point... like... right now.. you can end it all.. you can become enlightened and detached. But for how long? See I can't figure out the time factor.
I've had moments where I knew I could let myself starve to death then and there, and just keep laying there and meditating, but some sort of..
novelty brings me back like "ahh maybe later" rather then something specific.
So I'd go as far as to say I'm not even sure the buddha WAS enlightened.. because hell.. he was here wasn't he?
seems like a lot of push and release going on.
I used to think if I just went with the flow then others would overpower me.. others who were just ego driven, and this didn't seem right either, it
seemed imbalanced.. so I couldn't figure out this push factor. To choose to say "no".. just cuz. Needless to say I have problems with authorities
of all kinds. If we didn't resist would we all not be enslaved to a single ego's will? But then it comes back to something like... they couldn't
control you if you just made the ultimate act of letting go.. see conforming to their will still implies you living, eating, doing wordly attached
things... you basically gotta sit on the spot and meditate yourself into enlightenment.. to me that seems like the ultimate yin'd out action.... the
ultimate NON-action. No'one can control that who does not choose to participate in the game. No'one can be controlled who needs no control themself.
The ultimate "peace out. I'm done here, there's nothing keeping me here".
This yin yang thing seems to be a huge riddle yet i think the answer is that there is no answer and in that its more simple than we make it out to be.
That's why now I just say "just live life".... "just..whatever."
Instead of just resisting in a power struggle, what i've chosen to do nowadays is to explain to the "opponent" as to why I am resisting. I
figure... wisdom is a good solution?
When it comes down to it, I just feel out every action.. and if it feels like harmonic, if it feels purposeful, if it feels like right in every way, I
just go with it without a second thought. Many times I've had to get myself out of a problem because of that but you know what? I learned some
awesome things. So when can a challenge be perceived as a mistake, or a wrong turn? I see them as tools I wanted to pick up anyway for this life.
I had a pretty interesting experience which I BELIEVE to be a past life recall when I was younger. In this dream I actually had these people in this
temple erase my soul and give me a fresh start.. I already felt pretty wise and detached, and this dude deffinately had power but I think he was
struggling to find the point of it.. I killed people with the wave of a hand and some white light, I was just missing something and it was enough for
me to erase the entirety of my acquired experience.. or just..alignment or something. The next few months I became a floating ball that was in no
better word to put it "retarded". And since then I felt like I subsequent past life images where I saw myself develop.. I deffinately started over
in a sense..So thats interesting... in this existence with which time is somewhat of a conceptual question... I feel like I can say i'm 11000 years
ha. I was also shared the date and location and such. Another topic for another time. I will talk about anything but I started this
thread and tried to make it so open as to be receptive to anybody. I tried anyway. So I was trying to deal with terms of "what do you want now in
life".. vs.. "do you think you had past lives, why do you think we have them, etc etc".
To me it all feels like we're just jumping on a spot on in rushing river, a life loop.
But yes... I think that's the whole lesson isn't it? I mean so many of us think we got it all figured out... its all push and release is it not? I
call the spiritual path as one of releasing your own stubbornness. You know how simple it is.. but you push on.
Peace, and thanks for the kind words.