To the members (especially younger) who are feeling down.

People hide under the anonymity of the internet and I have no problem with that. Some people are dishonest and say things that would probably get them beat up in real life but it comes with the territory. I am posting the truth to reveal some things about myself even though it could be used against me if in the wrong hands, but I think it may save someones life so screw it. Some of you members may be going through, or may end up going through what I once did so I hope this helps. I also hope this is in the right forum so as usual mods please move if placed incorrectly. Without diving too much into my identity let us take a ride down my past, present, and future.

Lets start with the basics. I was raised in a sort of rough house. Not much communication, dad was always policing or asleep and my mom was working non stop to make sure all the bills were paid. Talks of divorce weren't uncommon and made worse by the fact that they stayed together for the kids as we understood it. I didn't have great things for my generation and was generally confused as rich by my poorer friends because my parents didn't learn until later in life that debt isn't a good thing to be in. A double wide trailer and a 10 year old big screen TV (one still isn't paid off and one has since been replaced) doesn't make you rich by any means lol. This was not really a problem until my teen years and even then didn't bother me.

The teen years as many of you know are where the problems are. Materialism is a brutal force especially for kids in public schools. My first car was a 1982 pontiac t-1000 handed down by my now deceased grandmother. That isn't exactly a chick getter as they say. My clothes were generally bought from goodwill, salvation army, or wal mart. Anything I wanted extra was paid by me so I got a job. At this point I now have stress from school, (was expected to be a good performer) work, and football. As things go the job helped me out and got me some nicer things including a truck that ran (1987 B2000 I think). Things in life are up and down and I was hitting an up point. Things though would not stay up forever.

Tenth grade was when I was introduced to pot. Now I ain't going too much into this, but I have a very addictive personality. My money was now for gas and pot so I went to stoner status which isn't a very popular reputation. Grades though stayed up, football went well, but my money (the very little I made) wasn't there anymore. Overall though, tenth and eleventh grade weren't too bad but stress was wearing me thin.

Senior year was the timebomb that went off. Usually when people ask "would you do it again?" the reply they get is of nostalgia and the wishing of times much simpler. I am 24 working in a warehouse and would never do it again. My senior year went like this, neck injury in football 2 weeks before kickoff. I had played 5 years before and wanted to get through my senior year but it wasn't meant to be. I will always be left wondering. My girlfriend through the summer (my first one lol) dumped me for my close friend at the time. To top it off the depression from smoking an oz a week was really hitting home now. Psychiatrists tend to call this a very deep depression. I decided to hell with life, and followed through with the worst suicide attempt in the history of man. This is what is called an attention getter. All those years locked up to myself came to a head. The following day I was witness to one of those things you never want to see, the psychiatric wing of the local hospital.

The psych ward was not a pleasant experience. You never know how much you mean to people until they are making a scene at your admittance. Father was a detective by this time and was crying non stop. A three hundred pound man that can bench 455 lbs is a bad sight to see like that. He of course blamed himself for not seeing the signs. Mom was a little better but she also suffers from depression so looking back I can say she bottles it up as a defensive system. My little brother was simply in shock and trying to tough it out but I remember seeing the pain in his eyes as he hugged me for the last time before I was taken back there. Not quite 18 so I got put in "mental juvi". Days in there were long and hard. Constant therapy and screams and another "attention getter" by yours truly. Family came by to visit and my friends tried but were only allowed in if they were there for church services (I was an atheist at the time so I shut my friends out). I eventually got good and medicated and a week after entrance I got my exit.

The change in my life was drastic. My parents let me do all sorts of stuff like get a mohawk and get piercings and tattoos. These were up until this point taboo. It came with bad stuff as well. One of my parents were in my floor beside me asleep every night to make sure I would be OK. I found this to be extremely invasive but I asked for it. As a teenager you never think about the consequences of your actions but I learned mine. I was getting therapy once a week and things were looking good. This history will follow me though and the learning process had just begun. Two months after my leave of absence from the "ward" I was experiencing a depression and was readmitted. This was just for my safety but after all my work I felt betrayed. The second trip was just as bad as the first but not nearly as long. I got out and resumed life as it was and managed to graduate after some heavy book crunching. A few months after my graduation I got an early high school reunion with one of my best friends. He was working for the fire dept and happened to get to my house after my first confirmed Grand Maul Seizure (caused by the meds I was on or the hits to the head from football). More hospital time followed by more meds.

The therapy went on for about 3 years after this and I finally came off of all of my meds. I am now married and living a fairly normal life. I have a wife I wouldn't trade for the world, I have constant support and communication with my parents and brother, and even with the economy have managed to keep a steady job after some job hopping after high school. There are bad things though. I am 24, wife is 22 and we live in a house with MY parents. It is what we need to do at this time while we straighten out some things in our life. We both want kids but right now isn't the time as we need to go to college first so they can have a better life than we did. The purpose of my disclosure to you guys was needed I believe. The future looks grim and the present looks grim. I am begging you to not take the route I did. Things will get better I promise you. Through therapy I learned of the ups and downs in life and I got tools to manage them.

I don't pretend to have the worst life alot of it was me being a baby to some extent. Some of you may think things are bad but I will tell you that they can get better. There are always going to be ups and downs and before you think of doin something drastic please keep in mind that there is always an alternate route. I will beg everyone on this board that if you think about hurting yourself or those you love please seek help. There are hotlines and councilers available to you so make use of them. U2U me or something just don't take that way out. My story may not be the same as yours but there are certainly similarities. I am sorry about this long line but with all the bad things talked about I think it is important to mention that there is more to life than just the news. Live your life. Those that you think don't care for you may certainly be your best friends one day. I am not fond of this current president but his message of hope is a great one. Learn to live by that word. Strive for it and make a great path in life even if the path is bumpy.

As always, GWOT crits for 30k, sorry.

reply to post by ventian


Ventian, I have starred and flagged your post.

Tears came to my eyes as I read of your life.

You should congratulate yourself every day on having the strength to pull yourself out of that hole.

I join you in saying to young people - Hang in there.

The world has always been tough and it is not going to change.

Believe in yourself and never harm anyone or anything and you will get through.

Originally posted by catwhoknows
reply to post by ventian

 

Ventian, I have starred and flagged your post.

Tears came to my eyes as I read of your life.

You should congratulate yourself every day on having the strength to pull yourself out of that hole.

I join you in saying to young people - Hang in there.

The world has always been tough and it is not going to change.

Believe in yourself and never harm anyone or anything and you will get through.

I appreciate it cat. I realize I was lucky as well. I had two parents that came through in the clutch when I needed them. Some people may not be that lucky but I hope they do understand that everyone out there has someone that can help them.