posted on Apr, 5 2010 @ 05:55 PM
Since i was 5, i have been medicated on different drugs for things like 'ADHD' or 'OCD', but recently i came to reconsider taking these. I was on
these drugs to fit into society's model of an ideal person. I thought "Why am i taking these drugs? Why can't i be myself, regardless of how others
see me? Why is it bad to be different? If i was placed on this planet to be a certain person, why can't i be that person, instead of tucking him
away?". I always had the worse case side effects as drugs never worked as prescribed. I had this gut urge that i need to get off drugs ASAP, that
it's holding me back, sedating me, somehow.
Since then i have been trying to get myself off these drugs. I went off Zoloft cold turkey, which was ironically making me more depressed, and
strattera. Immediatly, i noticed how much happier i was. I literally felt like i was walking on a cloud 24/7. Unfortunately, my parents forced me
back on it after 3 days because they were nervous over adverse withdraw side effects. They told me to wait until i went to the doctor today to work
out a plan to get me off. The deal was to get off zoloft, but stay on strattera until i take my SAT's (which looking at the world today, won't
matter in a year).
You see, the problem is that while i'm on medication, i can focus in school (although i'm pretty bored), but feel like a robot much of the time.
When i'm off, i am just so incredibly happy, you would think i'm on the other type of drugs (illegal drugs). I literally feel like i'm floating on
a cloud. But, as a result of that, i don't fit into normal society, so i don't focus in class (i could if i wanted to, but it holds no interest for
me), and say the first thing on my mind (totally honest), teachers label me as a problem, i struggle socially, etc. My doctor today pushed me to try a
new medicine. I reluctantly agreed. The dilemma is that if i'm off medication, with the slightest issue over anything my parents would immediately
point to my not being on meds as the culprit, even if it's an issue that i would have had before. It's very much a bias. I agreed because it would
save numerous arguments and not keep my mom up at night worrying about me.
Still, I am so sick of not being able to be myself. This person i am when on meds, is not me. You know, if i came here to work through certain
problems and be a certain person, why can't i be that person? It's the thinking that i have something wrong with me, other than that's who i am.
What do you think i should do? It's the question of whether i should conform to society or live my life in happiness. If i'm on meds, i WILL be like
a robot, i WILL fit in. If i'm off, i WILL be different, i WILL NOT fit. Personally i want to be off meds and deal with it the natural way, but it
would be a constant battle with others trying to convince me otherwise, which i don't really want to deal with. So what do you think it should be:
happiness vs fitting into society? What do you guys think the effect is of man-made medication is on the personal ascension process, if any?
[edit on 5-4-2010 by mossme89]