Child Free and Proud! Why have kids?

When i was a teenager, having kids never entered my mind, sex and booze were pretty much my only priorities, and i followed them like a man possessed.

When i was in my twenties, having kids was the last thing i wanted to do, i wanted to be free, to go on holiday when i wanted to, to go out when i wanted to, to do exactly as i wanted.

When i was in my early thirties, i was adamant i wouldn't have kids, then when i got to my mid thirties i realised that although i'd indulged myself, did all the pubs and clubs, literally travelled the world, first the crappy package hols to the med and all that, then serious travelling after, something wasn't right.

I used to use all the one liners to justify not having a family..too many people in the world, not enough money, we'll have no freedom and so on.

At the time, i suppose i believed what i was trying to convince myself of, but then i realised. I felt it. A tangible emptiness.

Something was missing..well two things were missing actually.

Those two things were my selfishness. And my non existent family.

You see, as a young man it's perfectly fine to be selfish. To think of yourself.

But the older i got, the more i 'grew up', the more i saw what was really important in life.

Not money, not a cushy lifestyle, not travelling and boozing, not the latest gadgets, or flash cars. They were only things, things to feed my selfishness.

And you know what, when my wife and i did decide 'we were ready' to start a family..we couldn't.

It's at that point, you stop, look around you, and realise what the really important things in life are, your kids.

We tried for over three years to have our first child. And a further two years to have our second.

They mean EVERYTHING to us. You cannot explain it to someone that is on the selfish path i used to tread, you just can't...they'd never understand, not really.

My advice would be this. If you feel you are not ready to have kids, you probably aren't. You'll know it when you are, believe me.

And when you are, and you do...it will be THE best thing you will ever do with your life.

reply to post by spikey


So those who do not want to have kids are on the selfish path? It may be more selfish to have kids just because you feel an emptiness and something is missing in your life.

edit: spelling again, sigh

[edit on 2-4-2010 by (C2C)]

reply to post by LostNemesis


" I applaud those that can stand free and proud without needing to breed. "

Um.. I didn't choose to breed, I chose to have children. I am not a cow or a pony or a dog with papers. I have children, with quirks and personalities and talents and thoughts and ideas and hopes and dreams.

I hate that term, we are not livestock.

One of the reasons why society is this way is because it was designed to be this way: so people would lose heart and hope, and consequently, not to partake in the nuturing of the next generation, your biological own or adopted.

The Georgia Guidestones at its evil finest, not only is the plan to shatter the physical bodies it also the plan to shatter the spiritual body.

There will come a time when there will not be enough young people to take care of the old. If you don't have loved ones looking out for you, in your old age you will be left to the mercy of the system, which in your words, has problems. How you want to deal with it, I don't know, but anyway...

Yes society is backwards, but it doesn't mean you can't assist in forewarning the next generation in retaking their destiny and to live naturally, nor should you turn your back to them.

Everyone calls me a freak because I want absolutely nothing to do with children. I don't even want them in the same room as me. I know it probably sounds crazy but that's just the way I have been for years now. I make my answer perfectly clear when someone asks me if I want kids, I simply state "No", very blunt. They get the hint and my family has stopped asking.

I see kids as an annoyance and while kids may be for others they are definitly not for me. Whenever I get into a relationship I make it perfectly clear, if we stay together there is no chance of children at anytime for any reason. I know I probably sound cruel and mean but that's just the way I feal. I won't get married either, it's stupid and pointless, why do you need your relationship to be in law? How is marriage a commitment when you can leave it whenever you so choose? If I want to spend my life with a woman I will, if I don't want to I won't.

reply to post by star in a jar


You have some good points there star in a jar. One of the problems is tho that they are setting the precident so that if you do not follow the crazy society they will come and take your kids from you. It would be all well and fine to teach them to live natural etc but as we have seen with the Texas case that if you do not agree with the government they may come and take your kids. If you don't belive in the public school control curriculum and refuse to teach it they may also come and take your kids. The control system just keeps tightening and making it harder and harder for those who refuse the system.

It's really hard to say what it is with kids.
First of all i don't like babies, i can't stand them and i don't find anything cute about them at all.

The only time where i think children are fun is when they're between 6 and 13. There somewhat behaved and aren't as loud and obnoxious as babies but also not as stupid as teenagers. Some years ago i had lots of fun with my cousin, playing video games or go to soccer games and everything. The moment puberty kicked in and he became sex-driven like most teenagers do. I'm glad i don't have see him anymore.

Those are the reasons i don't want children. Can't stand them most of the time and i also like to have my freedom, to choose what i wanna do, when and where.

But i respect parents and and think it's awesome that they can stick around with a child/childs who waste lots of time and money and still love them. So kudos to every loving parent from me.

I agree with the material presented in the OP. Most couples would be better suited with a pet dog or cat to satisfy their urges of having an addition to their family. And unless a couple has a highly stable, moderately high income job or career, they have NO business bringing a child into the world at the current time with the economic mess. Futures and careers of recent time are very unstable, and bringing a child into the mess should be a crime. Pets make better family additions in my opinion anyways. Why deal with the possibility of having to work three jobs, getting no sleep, and being in debt forever. I'll take the dog or cat for sure.

reply to post by Justaposter

I didn't choose to breed, I chose to have children. I am not a cow or a pony or a dog with papers. I have children, with quirks and personalities and talents and thoughts and ideas and hopes and dreams.

This pretty much sums it up for those that have had children if I may be one voice that is. I concur. My ex-wife had them when we were young. I am 36, my oldest is 17, do the math. The other 2 are 14 and 9. 2 girls, 1 boy. Neither of which are without faults or the aforementioned from the quote above. This is in fact what makes us all the individual we are.

As far as the "not wanting children" group, fair enough, however, what if your parents had mirrored your view. They accepted the challenge that is parenting. Whether you were an "unprotected romp", as was said, or a planned miracle. You are here, and you believe the way you do because your parents made you exist.

If it's your choice to not have children then so be it, but (and this is directed at those that have this view) to frown upon someone that has chosen to do so, is not in your authority, despite their ability to raise said child. Many a great people in history were the product of a not so great upbringing and vice verse. I am sure I can source a few if need be.

I love my kids, and NO MATTER WHAT becomes of them in this life I will always love them and continue to parent them as long as they'll allow me to do so. I feel I have laid a good foundation for them to be upstanding members of society. They are not disillusioned to the real world as I have educated them on how the real world really is, that it is not all rainbows and butterflies, and that to make it in this world, "just be smarter than the other guy".

This is not to say that I haven't as well instilled a love for their fellow man, as well as many values that I think people lack in today's society. I teach my kids to not be followers. That the world needs leaders with values and ethics. I am as much a part of the lives that I chose to create that I can be. I truly feel that if more parents mimicked this, then maybe future generations wouldn't need to clean-up the messes that we have created.

I am not a breeder, by choice, made at age 12 or 13 and not really regretted ever since - reasoning that my family was so broken it would be best to end the line rather than perpetuate the misery. I got fixed when I married the last time, being too young for sterilization the first time and not necessary the second time.

HOWEVER, since I now live in a rural community I can't admit to being proud of not having kids in public - since in this town, family and kids seem to be the primary elements of self esteem for the adults here. BTW, when I tell folks I'm not a breeder they usually don't know how to respond so I don't get "Why don't you have kids?" - just a blank "breeder" look

Consequently, it is much less traumatic that my life situation doesn't impact any children - and my dogs just don't care!

gj

Edit grammer, add smilie

[edit on 2-4-2010 by ganjoa]

I personally don't want to pass on my genes, but would be proud to adopt when the time comes. I personally don't feel my genes are anything special, and therefor there are alot of kids out there that are already born that need parents, why bring more mouths into this already over-populated planet?

Its a shame that most people think that having children (while it is a beautiful thing) is something that you "just do" because its what everyone does. Go to school, go to college, get a job, buy a house, have some kids, retire from job get some grandkids and die.

Parents these days (total generalisation) are nothing more than glorified baby-sitters these days.

Parents aren't self-actualised, so their children aren't self-actualised, as a result - the world isn't self-actualised.

And no-one should be having more than 2 kids, unless you're that guy who is immune to aids etc.

Just a rant........

reply to post by Hypntick



This is kind of selfish and materialistic don't you think?Me and my wife have one child and area expecting another one soon and I love having kids.Yes I would love to go on vacations, cruises and have more stuff but to me, my children are way more important than all of that.

I find these types of threads funny.

They start out as "I don't want to have kids...and that should be fine" and it slowly turns into "I don't want to have kids...and I AM RIGHT...and those with kids are WRONG".

Why even discuss it...do what you want...do what makes you happy. But don't try to put the "other side" down to justify your position.


I have 3 kids and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. It works for me and my wife...we both had good families growing up...and we love our family we have created.

As a parent i want to thank you for NOT having kids with the way you ppl wright the life you saved was your none excistenc childs.
oo i like my money ooo kids are nothing but a pain crying winnning .
oo PLEASE GET sniped quickly because if it happens accedently i realy hate reading how the new mom-dad killed there kid in the news.
now i may not be as rich as you on the other hand lolololol.
but I never judge my childs worth by how much money it cost or how much he can make .
but just to clue in the clueless a child is just as much an investment as a home and can only go up in value in the next 80 years and unlike your home will never louse value even if every bank goes bust.
but please for the childerns sake dont have any .
now this is only for thous who are that self centered .
not to want kids is one thing but to talk about them like a pice of gum you steped in is another.
you talk about teh cost of lets say over the next 23 years you spend oooo 500k now that kids makes over 10 million in the next 50 years well you do the math. humm wonder how many kids bought there parents new cars homes and so on

reply to post by indy0725


That is the exact response I get constantly. Mentioned it in my post as a matter of fact. I have many and varied reasons for choosing not to have children. My own financial freedom is a pretty big one, but not the main one.

I'm not saying that everyone who has children shouldn't, there are tons of great parents out there that prove that statement wrong. Unfortunately there are also tons of parents who would have been better off making an informed choice before going that route.

Are your finances stable? Have you sown your oats so to speak? Are the both of you on the same page of your relationship? These are things that a lot of people don't ask themselves when they consider a child. Are you emotionally ready to deal with another human being? If you consider these things carefully and you still find that you and your partner are ready to raise a child, then by all means go for it.

However, if you are not capable of even asking yourself these base questions, then you might want to reconsider. Having a child is a huge responsibility. Not something that should be done half assed or on the fly.

I don't think less of you for choosing to have a child, I really don't. I just ask that you don't think less of me for choosing not to. I realize that if something is worth doing it's worth doing right. I also know that I am not at this point in time capable of doing it right.

Kids are great. Spouses, on the other hand ...

It's fine that some of you don't want to have children, but some people need to make children, or the human race would just die off. Some of you may think that's fine, however, what good is a planet if there's no one to admire it.

And as far as the planet and society stinking it up right now. Well, maybe my goal is to make children that can help further society in a good way.

Sure this world may not be the best place to live. Bringing a child into the world is a big decision, especially understanding what trials and hardships lay ahead for them. Difficult as it is to make it in this cruel world, the world has always been cruel. Providing for a family has always cost money and has always been difficult work.

Think back to the days of true hardship, when one in three women died during child birth, when we didn't have clean hospitals and technological advances and precise medical procedures. During times of great hardship, famine, plague, war, disease.....people still went on with their lives and continued on raising children the best way they could.

Why? Because the human race is meant to live on. Man is made to replenish, no matter the cost. We persevere, we humans have few basic functions in life and very few reasons to live on, the most sacred being family.

I understand why some people feel that having children isn't for them, and I applaud those folks for recognizing it in themselves before they procreated and brought another unwanted child into the world. It is your life, do as thou will.

But please don't prevent yourself from experiencing the truest miracle of life simply out of fear. The state of this world will always be hostile, the time will never be favorable, and to not carry on your family by means of bearing child simply from fear of the unknown is nothing more than nonsense.

What if your parents or my parents had felt the same way as the OP? You would not have had the opportunity to exist, you would never have had the option of thinking and feeling and creating and all of those amazing things that make us human. Every life deserves a chance, even if it is a long shot. At least give them that opportunity. All you can do is the best you can and that is it.

But at the end of it all, when you are laying on your deaths bed and surrounded by people who are a part of you, who love you, who embrace you as being the one who cared for them and taught them and provided for them. Your family. Then it will be all worth the effort.

Do not give up on life and the opportunity to bring another life into this world. Even aside from all technology and advancement and synthetic happiness, there is nothing more sacred, nothing more divine and nothing more intensely human than to bring life into the world. It is still the miracle that stands above and beyond all others.

I think everyone is entitled to their right to have a child or not, however those who do not want a child should not be put in the position of pressure if their own mistakes led them to having to make a choice between abortion or birth.

I personally want a child, and will hopefully wait until this damn economy and society is somewhat #ing normal again.

However, I do believe that there should be true love between one and another to have a child, although that is in the eye of the beholder.

Do not discriminate or dislike people who want to have children, that, my friend, is called lunacy.

I'd have to say, the best reason I have for not having kids is that it would be a disservice to them to bring them up in the world today. Sure there are good teachers out there but does the educational system itself even teach us anything useful? I dont think a couple good teachers can make up for the thousands of others that simply treat it as a job.

School is the biggest socialization a child can have. Itd be terrible to withhold that from my kids because I dont believe in the school system. But then what does one do? Homeschool and deny your kid the friends and experiences of high school? Our society has very few things that ALL people go through. Schooling is one of them. It seems like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place and neither decision would be right for my child.

Also, many parents have stated that they hope their children will change the world. What I dont get is that you spend 18 years raising a child, right? if you really wanted to change the world, why didnt you spend those 18 years actually changing the world? Why wait for someone else to do it? Even if it is your child.

Another thing I've come across with parents is the God Complex. Many people want to create life in their own image and do so through children. They want to create and control another person's life. I don't really have that desire. Parents, whats that all about? Maybe some parents feel like they can make up for their mistakes by teaching their kids not to make the same ones.

Now ATS is not the right place to get the response from the types of people I see with kids every day. ATSers do make strong, thought out, individual choices. Thats why you're on this website in the first place. So I dont want to offend anyone here because you're probably not the parents I'm envisioning. Unless you're beating your kid in the Wal-Mart toy aisle or leaving them with a nanny while you go on vacations and advance your career.

Nannys. Thats a profession that I don't even think should exist. Why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Why have kids if you're just going to pay someone to be the mom? Those nanny-hiring parents obviously care only about themselves and children are merely accessories to their life. Something to talk about with your friends who also have kids.

Choose to reproduce, or choose not to reproduce. Everyone is free to make that choice for themselves. The important thing is, whatever you choose, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.
I never wanted kids when I was a young man. I drank, smoked, gambled, took drugs, dabbled in crime and prostitution, and put my own pleasure before everything else.
Then I turned 30 and felt that my life was empty and meaningless. (I'm not saying that it's not possible to have a fulfilling and meaningful life without children, that's just how I felt.) I met a woman, settled down and we had a child.
Being a father has completely altered my perspective on life, and what's important, and now I do have a purpose and meaning to my life.
You mention all the negative things about society and life in the 21st century, but there is also so much beauty, and so many good things to experince in this life. It is those things that I choose to share with my son.

[edit on 3-4-2010 by AllseeingEYE]