Blind Inside and Looking Out, A Police Officer's Life Story (My Life Story)

reply to post by j.r.c.b.


Thank you! I started writing this journal/memoir to help me in the hard times... It's not always easy to be a police officer... Having nobody to talk to who I felt could understand me, I decided to write about my experiences... It helps alot!

Thanks for the words of encouragement, it really honestly makes me feel like I am accomplishing something and it really makes my day!!

Here is some more!

Magnum

Meeting An Angel

I was pretty depressed in January 2008. After we broke up and got back together a few times, my girlfriend of 4 years dumped me. I think I was more hurt by the fact that she did it. Of course I loved her... Well it's not really an important fact in this story. The following is.

Me being depressed and not shaving/showering disturbed Oleg (it was probably not in that order). I was at his house one day and he was showing my pictures of his native Ukraine. One picture was of his sister-in-law with a very beautiful little green eyed blond. I had seen her picture a few years before when he was showing me a slide show of his country of origin, but I refrained from saying anything due to my girlfriend. I asked who this girl was. At first he was interested in matching me up with his sister-in-law, but she was much older and not really to my liking. He spoke to his wife and I got the girl's email address. Sasha was her name... Wow, Sasha...

For months we emailed, chatted, skyped, or spoke on the phone almost 24 hours a day. She was a university dance student with a college degree in circus arts. I, was in love... We wrote so much, I was really glad I saved up the words that would have been used up in some English class... hehehe... We spoke about everything and nothing. We spoke about each other, about our families, about current events, about my music studio, about her work as a dancer in a group... The words just kept flowing off my finger and lips like water on Niagara Falls; they were never ending and slowly eroding my rock armor.

I made a decision, I would go visit her when my contract ended in May. I went to Kiev. I stayed at her place where she lived with Oleg's sister-in-law. I spent 3 weeks there and they were just the best. She was perfect for me. I asked her to marry me and she said yes... Of course I came prepared with a 5 stone diamond ring... hehehe...

We were in love. I went on a trip to Italy with my family 2 weeks after coming back to Montreal from Ukraine. I was very happy to see my family there but I wished my new fiancee could meet them! We went there for 4 weeks; Sasha and I spoke everyday. I missed her so much.

I went back to work in August and all I could think about was going to Ukraine again. I convinced my best friend, Skill (his nickname), to come with me on my next trip in November. It didn't take much after seeing the pictures of all the hot girls there... lol... Cheap booze + girls made him happy to go! We went through Amsterdam on the way to Kiev. We spent the day there walking around and enjoying the beautiful canals... Then we arrived in Kiev. My best friend would be there for my wedding.

Sasha and I were married December 12th 2008 in Kiev with a total attendance of 2 people... lol... Just the best man and a bride's maid, her friend from school. We had a great small party afterward. We had rented an apartment for the 2 weeks that Skill would be there and then moved back into her apartment for the last week I was there. I felt so bad to leave her again... I knew that soon we would be together for sure...

I would have to wait until summer of 2009 to see her again, this amazing angel who is so funny, understands me, loves me so much, and is exactly like me... I was so sad, but my love for this woman made me stronger than anything in this world, I was now a real flying "Superman"...

Return to work

Before I left for Ukraine in November 2008, I was told that if I were to return to work, I need to go to the police academy in February 2009. I had already refused to go more than 3 times as I wanted to go to an enhanced program that was only available to people with their college Police Technology degree. I had worked out a plan to get a certificate instead, which is accepted, but the paper work and planning took too long. The government was pushing the police force to send people to be trained, especially those who had been there for a long time. It was at this time that I had made the official decision to stay here permanently. The police force would pay for everything: cost of the class, cost of room and board, food, salary, and travel to the academy at the beginning and travel back at the end. In return I would sign a contract for 3 years. I agreed to this after discussing this with my wife and my "consiglieri" a.k.a. my "concience" a.k.a. my mother.

Yes, you read right, the guy who is so "tough" and who is in a position of authority still listens to his mother. It's an Italian thing I guess.

I come from a very good family who are from 2 different cultures. My father is French Canadian and my mother is an Italian immigrant. My parents are highly educated people and speak many languages. My mother speak 4 and my father 6. I speak 3 fluently, 1 functionally, and learning 2 more : Russian and Inuktitut.

I went to the police academy and was the cohort sergeant. It was a very difficult task as I was in charge of discipline, but was considered on the same level as my peers in the group. It was difficult as tensions rose due to my "inability to verbalize diplomatically". I must concede that not everyone liked my way of speaking because I was blunt and honest, but there was much to do with regards to the discipline aspect of the group. Fellow cadets not shaving, wearing clothing that are not part of the uniform, not wearing the uniform properly, and the list goes on and on... People complained about me to the program coordinator who summoned me for a meeting in his office. He was a nice guy, honest, fair, and a model for any police officer. He explained to me that my peers are not liking the way I speak to them. I explained to him that I treat everyone with respect, and that if they think that I am tough to wait until they get out on the field. I also explained that it's not so easy to be in a position with tasks normally attributed to people who are considered to have authority but actually be on the same level as my peers. He said that he knew and that we could walk down the hall and he could show me pictures of past groups and who lost their sergeant stripes. I told him that if he was suggesting I give in my stripes, that he would have to demote me and that I am not a quitter. We came to an agreement that from now on I would just approach him with concerns I would have about discipline, that I would not intervene anymore.

Time went on and tensions rose more and more in the group for various reasons. The instructors and coordinator were visibly getting more and more angry, frustrated, and at a loss as to what to do. Team meetings were not working, talking circles were not changing anything. Finally, one instructor burst first and the things that came out of his mouth were priceless. Nothing bad, he was just so honest and blunt that it got everyone's attention. I guess being an instructor, he could be that way...

I graduated in April and luckily, my wife was there to see it. She had obtained a visa to come visit for 5 weeks during a study break. She spent 2 weeks in Montreal where my parents took her places during the week while I was at the academy. I would come home on the week-ends and spend much deserved time with her. After I graduated, she came up north to Aupijivik with me for 3 weeks. It was the best 3 weeks in the north ever. It was so real to me. I woke up in the morning, kissed my wife good morning, told her how beautiful she is, made her breakfast in bed, and then went to work. Came home for lunch, then came home for supper and enjoyed the evenings with her. It was bliss.

Oleg had come back up in March while I was at the academy. When I got back to Aupijivik, something was different about him. He was always a cynical person, always wondering who the person walking in the street is like he was going to get attacked or something. Everyone was a suspect of some sort. He was weird to start off with but now it was too much. He had a piece of wood on the sofa that he would throw a knife at. It damaged the sofa of course because his aim was not so great... It started to get personal when my wife and I were doing her permanent resident visa papers. He kept saying that it was nearly impossible to get a visa here, that it would take years before we would get anything, and that it was super expensive etc... It was like he was trying to rain on our parade. He was getting more and more weird. At work, he would incite people to get angry just by pushing their buttons seemingly on purpose.

Continued in next post

continued...

We were on a call for a guy who liked to fight with the police. He and his brother are the last 2 people who truly fight the police in Aupijivik, the others having learned their lesson from me before and they can truly fight. They are much bigger than my 5'8", wide, hockey player fighter frame. I had calmed him down and was talking to him, trying to get his side of the story. As the guy was speaking, Oleg grabbed his arm out of nowhere which caused the guy to loose it and start fighting with us. I was so angry! I finally calmed the guy down, placed him in handcuffs, sat him down on the sofa in the house we were in, and then told Oleg to go check on the victim at the clinic to get him the hell out of there. This was the last straw for me. He had a hard time writing reports, he would not do assignments properly as requested by the Sgt., and he would give me attitude when I would catch him messing up some procedure. We slowly started to not talk to each other. One day my sergeant asked me to do an assignment and not to mention it to Oleg. I got a call from my Sgt over the radio and I asked him if he received the papers. Oleg asked me what they were about and I told him that I could not talk about it because of orders I got. Oleg got angry and started yelling about how I am his partner, something about trust, and something else that I don't know because I stopped listening. He was completely beside himself over something completely stupid. I told him it was not about him and that if he wanted to get mad, then he needed to get mad at the Sgt not me. My Sgt never told him what it was about. From that moment on, I stopped taking him to calls with me. I stopped talking to him. It was very stressful as the only person I could entrust my life to became one of my enemies somehow.

He left in the middle of summer and I got various other partners. There have been 21 officers in Aupijivik in the last 2 1/2 years including myself. I trained more that 12 of them personally.

The summer was busy, much busier than all the previous years combined. Statistically, 4 times busier. I had 2 times more calls from January to June than all of 2008.

I got some reprieve in August when I went to Ukraine for 4 weeks. Sasha and I got married again, but this time in an Orthodox church for which I first had to "convert" to Orthodoxy in Montreal. I am really not a religious person and do not believe in god, but I won't get into that.

I came back to Aupijivik in September and worked with a great partner until his contract ended in October. Then I got another great partner until they sent him off to another village for a reason unknown. Then I started to get depressed... Superman's image was slowly eroding from my mindset.

The Present Day and On

I started to get depressed when my first partner went back home. It was in no way solely because of that. I have been over worked, sleep is secondary, I don't have time to eat properly, and I am so far away from any family/friend/wife support.

I have nausea and heartburn daily, I usually wake up with a headache in the morning, I sometimes feel chest pains, my jaw is clenched 90% of the day, I am tired, I am irritated, and I am just not myself. I isolate myself and am either at work or at home. I don't do anything else (not that there is anything else to do here).

The real issue is the accumulated tiredness; both the mental and the physical. Being only 2 officers in town, we are on call 24/7 and don't have any days off other than on paper (this is changing soon). I am the only one of 21 officers who has been here constantly in the last 2 1/2 years which means that every time someone new comes, the people we serve want to speak to me, not the new guy, me. It could be for something as simple as asking if we received a fax (I was called back from being off duty for this once because the person refused to ask the new guy). This is a very big burden on my shoulders, as I feel like I have to do everything. Couple that with the things that are expected from the police and you get the town's father/babysitter/(insert term here)...

I once got a call from a woman saying that her daughter was drinking at someone's house. This was the discussion :

"Yes I want my daughter back"
"Ok, what do you mean?"
"She's drinking at Steward's place"
"Ok, and?"
"Go get her!"
"Are you her mother?"
"Yes"
"So why don't you go get her and call me if there is a problem?"
"Because it's YOUR job!"
Phone hangs up

Then I got a call from the local preacher who was not any better.

"Why aren't you going to get the girl?"
"Because the mother needs to go be a mother"
"But you are not doing your job, her daughter's drunk"
"That's up to the mother to take care of not the police"
"Wouldn't your mom call the police?"
(answer I sort of regret, but that she did not understand of course)
"Well, my mother would call the police. She would call them to tell them to be there before her or else there would be a murder!"
(Long silence)
"Well go do your job!"
"I'm sorry, the mother can call me after she goes there and if there is a problem and I need to keep the peace. Until then, this is a parent's problem, not the police's"

I have become the place's babysitter. Everything was done for the people in this town by the police in the past and I am not suffering the consequences. I mentioned before the idea of working for the people. There's a difference between working for the people and doing everything for the people. I don't mind helping a person on the side of the road who is stuck in the snow, or going the extra mile in helping a married couple get help for their troubles; I am just not going to be a parent or act in a way that makes me responsible and accountable for their inaction.

Another issue that comes to mind is that it is general rule that whatever the police do, we are wrong to do it or it is our fault that we have to take action. I.E. :

"It's your fault youth protection came and took my kids." No, it's your fault you drink all day everyday and fight with your wife 4 nights a week in front of your kids.

"It's your fault I got arrested, and you only want to get me in trouble." No, you are presently super drunk and drove your car off the road, this one's your fault.

"Leave us alone, you don't know the Inuit way." I'm pretty sure beating your wife is NOT the Inuit way.

I feel like the accumulation of always being the one to have to do everything is making me sick. I am also ridiculed, especially by my peers, when I talk about how busy this place is because it is the smallest town in the area. Which doesn't help. The things is that this place has had an unusual extreme amount of crime in the last year; around 4 times higher than last year's rate. Plus, I have had to "fill in" for youth protection and social services as there have only been 2 people (both amazing) who have come in for the job; unfortunately this place did not treat them well and they lasted a combined time of 6 months in the last 2 1/2 years.

I care about this place. I want to make it better but every time I have tried something, there was no participation, no interest. The council stopped inviting us to their meetings, we were not invited to community feasts anymore, we were alienated. And for what? For trying to help? For trying to make it better? For caring? What am I supposed to do next? I'm still thinking...

Definately feel for you. If I didn't have a police scanner, I would never believe the insane ridiculous calls people call in!! I live in a small town that is in all total less then 1 mile all around. We know all the cops as its a small town station. Lots of calls come in from the same home. The funniest calls are people calling in because there is a deer in their yard, 4 birds in their yard, and once, someone lost power and called 911 to bring him some ice, since it was summer!!!! And of course he was drunk. Anyway, have you thought about starting a new life with your wife. Maybe it's time for a change??? Don't know, but awesome story!! Your a good writer.

reply to post by j.r.c.b.


Yes, sometimes the calls are absolutely ridiculous... I got into this job knowing I would be many different services in one but sometimes I wonder if people expect way too much of us... lol...

I enjoy my job, and love the experiences that I have lived through; I learned many great lessons thanks to them. I don't want to change my career but I would however one day like to have my own business, the entrepreneur in me is starting to wake up....

Thanks for understanding and for the compliments!!!

Magnum

I'm still reading i'm half way through.Are these small towns in north Canada snow bound and full of log cabins with people on snow machines like i see in films?What region did you work in?You mentioned a inuit girl, are there large populations of inuit in nothern Canada ?

Originally posted by INQUISITION11
I'm still reading i'm half way through.Are these small towns in north Canada snow bound and full of log cabins with people on snow machines like i see in films?What region did you work in?You mentioned a inuit girl, are there large populations of inuit in nothern Canada ?

There are 10 provinces and 3 territories in Canada. The territories are mostly Aboriginal. 1 in particular, called Nunavut, is Inuit. In Quebec there is an area called Nunavik , where I work, which has 14 Inuit communities. The log cabins are not what we live in. We have prefabricated homes... But yes most of the transportation in town is by Ski-doo in the winter, and 4-wheeler (ATV) in the summer.

Hope that answers your questions!!!

Magnum

reply to post by Magnum007


I find myself hanging onto everyword... I think you show give it a go into writing like on a James Patterson Scale.

Hey magnum you have gave it (police force) your all, Time to start thinking of your wife and your future as a father, Maybe that will put your life into perspective and all said and done "Its only a job mate"
don't let the system suck you dry and then throw you aside when your "done" leaving you with nothing, (seen it to many times) good luck buddy and keep on writing. I got a good clue as to what your suffering, thanks S&F

Originally posted by poedxsoldiervet
reply to post by Magnum007

 

I find myself hanging onto everyword... I think you show give it a go into writing like on a James Patterson Scale.

Thanks!!! I had to look up who James Patterson was I just one day decided that everything I did to help myself from becoming a bad person wasn't working and to my surprise, writing about my experiences really worked...

It's odd because I failed Eng 101 in CEGEP 3 times... I never liked literature... I guess non-fiction writing is something I discovered on my own!

Thanks for your very kind words!!!

Originally posted by foxhoundone
Hey magnum you have gave it (police force) your all, Time to start thinking of your wife and your future as a father, Maybe that will put your life into perspective and all said and done "Its only a job mate"
don't let the system suck you dry and then throw you aside when your "done" leaving you with nothing, (seen it to many times) good luck buddy and keep on writing. I got a good clue as to what your suffering,

thanks S&F

I know, I know, I know... but things are slowly getting better, I'm writing about this slowly as lately I haven't had much time. Since my wife arrived in Canada, I have had other priorities like spending precious time with her. My suffering is now getting better!!!

Thanks for understanding!

Magnum

________________________________

Just some Random Thoughts in My Head

I have been debating whether to leave this place or not for quite some time. There have been times where I just wanted to give up, leave, and never look back. There have also been times where this place has been my home, my sanctuary, my happy place.

When I was a kid I used to spend 99% of my awake time outdoors biking, walking, or just messing around killing time in the woods near my parent's house wishing I was older. Living in the West-Island of Montreal was great for this, there were many undeveloped forested areas by the rivers that surround the island. I broke many bikes doing jumps, got lost many times, and spent lots of time just being me. I can remember sitting by the water on the rocks by the shore and just spend hours watching and listening to the water go by. I was young and did not understand why I liked it, but I did. I could spend a whole day walking in the forest and get bitten to hell by insects probably never discovered before, but I didn't care, I was just happy to be out there. It was my happy place. I guess it's reflected when I go to places on vacation. I always only have 1-2 pictures of people and the rest are of mountains, trees, animals, or water. The north is just one big playground to me; tundra from one side of the horizon to the other with mountains that seem to go to the end of the world. The sky is always changing and sometimes clouds seem like water or mountains in the distance. It's is just amazing. At night there are more stars than you can count on a clear night and the Northern Lights (Aurore Borealis) dance in the sky like a silky smooth multicolored scarf. It's just breath taking.

I like to drive out of the village to just sit in the car looking at the horizon while listening to music and daydreaming away. I usually think about how much I love and miss my wife, about how my life is now compared to how it could have been, or I just let my mind drift away in the music that is playing. If anyone wants to get my attention or just wants to distract me, it's going to have to be with music. I can literally "lose" hours in my mind listening to music; one second I see what's in front of me and then all of a sudden I "snap out of it" realizing I have been staring at this thing for more than 20 minutes... or was I? What really happened was that I was in my mind dreaming away of places, people, things I want to do/have done. Certain kinds of music get me to certain degrees. U2, Led Zeppelin, Oasis, Journey and Coldplay (to name a few) can get me in a mood faster than let's say Donna Summers... lol... Then there is the music that I associate with things I've lived through or people I know or knew in the past. Music touches me and makes me feel. I can feel every emotion, every sentiment, imagine my hopes, conquer my fears, reminisce on my youth, or even fuel motivation for a task that I don't want to do all with a song.

I also like to walk up a mountain with Gram and just sit up there looking around. Gram loves going out on the land and sniffing the hell out of everything. She really is great company.

Gram is now almost 5 years old. She is such a great dog. She can do a number of tricks like sitting, staying, lying down, speaking, howling, and playing dead when I "shoot" her while saying "bang!". She is also a huge attention freak. When she knows I'm getting ready for bed she will go and lie down on MY side of the bed and give me the all to cliché puppy eyes. She is highly energetic, loves to play, and always wants to be pet. She is like my little girl and I love her so much. She gives me a reason to get up out of bed in the morning (to let her out), to come home for lunch (to let her out), and to come home after work and not stay out too late (to let her out). The best thing about Gram is that when I am sad, depressed, or not feeling too well, she can feel it. She comes up to me and just lies down looking at me. I pet her and feel like everything is going to be ok, like she understands. Anyone who says a dog is just an animal and has no feelings either never had one, or they never took the time to really take care of one. Gram loves me just as much as I love her, I can feel it. I promised my wife that when she comes up here, we will get a puppy to keep Gram company. The only problem with that is that she is extremely jealous hehe... She is a real female. No dog has ever approached her living space without having to run off with their tail between their legs. I will have to find a way of introducing her to a new dog without her eating it for lunch. I guess I'll be googling dog behavior soon...

Ranting Away

It's just the same old stories, same old problems, same old idiocies... One lady hits another on the head with a cup, drunk lady calls and asks if we care, someone calls and hangs up for no reason repeatedly... Ahhh what a beautiful Saturday, my supposed day off...

It's 10 in the morning and people are already wasted all over town; what a life these poor people live. The problem is that I don't feel bad for them anymore. I notice that after offering help to people more than 5 times, they are likely not to go and get it; so in this case I say F$%K them and I'll just salvage whoever wants to be salvaged.

My retarded partner is not helping. Asking me the most stupid questions that a 5 year old with learning disabilities could answer... "Uhhhhhh, do I have to photocopy the documents before I fax them?" or "Uhhhhhh, the procedure manual says that we have to do this, do I do it?"... He still says "mommy" and uses language akin to a 3 year old. My buddy who works at HQ met this dumbass first. He made my partner believe that I married my wife by buying her from her parents when she was 14 (I later added that her 18 year old sister is now for sale now that her 80 year old husband is dead). He also believed that I have tourrette syndrome. I was on the phone with my buddy while the new guy was in the office when my friend told me what he did, so I played along with the game:

"You told him what? Man! Why did you tell him that personal stuff about me? I hope you didn't tell him about my tick with my gun when I have a tourrette attack!"

My partner changed color almost immediately. I thought he was going to die. I let everything simmer for a bit and finally had to tell him the truth. He actually believed it. At first I thought that maybe he was just nervous and believed what we would tell him because he didn't want to disappoint us, but I soon learned that he is just a dumb ass.

He once asked me how much snow there is in the winter in the area. I casually answered him that global warming has destroyed the snowfall in the winter here, that in January there is no snow. He asked about how they froze the water, yes you read well, how THEY froze the water. I told him that the locals put chemicals in the water to help it freeze. His answer? "Like they do in Ottawa on the canal!".  I was fighting the urge to burst out laughing. Not even 2 minutes later we met with a teacher while we were patrolling and stopped for a chat. Since we were still discussing global warming I thought it would be fun to get the teacher into the same convo. Well, it just so happened that she mentioned the fact that there was no snow last January... she meant snowfall, but to me, it was perfect... lol... Again, I had to seriously hold back the laughter... What a loser...

I now have another partner that I don't like to be around, is it my fault? Am I to blame? Why am I so anti-social? or am I....

I have retained constant communication with my only 2 real friends from when I lived in Montreal. I have made many new friends in the north since to replace the other "friends" I had before. I deleted around 200 people from my Facebook last year, mostly people that I don't talk to anymore or that I don't care to have on my list. It's been pretty hard to keep in touch with people in the "south" because of the long work hours, tiredness, and isolation. The computer becomes the most important part of the day. It is the only contact with the outside world where you can see, hear, and get a response from. The TV is nice, but you can't talk to it and you can only watch the 20 #ty channels that are available (I need to get satellite TV). The only problem with the internet is the lack of actual physical human touch.

I have not had any hugs in over 5 months. To most people that seems like it is absolutely absurd to talk about not having hugged in 5 months, but try it. Don't touch anyone, don't hug anyone, don't kiss anyone, don't even get close to anyone for 5 months; the only physical contact you can have it to break up fights, to subdue someone, or to fight off an aggressor. You will see that it is not so easy. Also, you have to limit your social contacts to a maximum of 3 people when in person, unlimited on the net/phone. You go to work, and go straight home, no restaurant, no bar, no nothing. You also need to be awoken in the middle of the night for work, and then have to go to work the next day in the morning. Also you have no days off and you have to go to work on the weekends...

"That's all I have to say about that"
- Forrest Gump

Sounds like your having a hard time deciding what you want to do with your future....I must admit though, after your description of the place, I am not sure I would want to leave. If I were a resident that is. It sounds like a laid back place..I hope you enjoy your holiday with your wife!! Looking forward to more stories!! Good work.

reply to post by j.r.c.b.

I am sure that I want to continue in this line of work... I'm quite happy now that my wife is living with me and we are finally together. I think things are looking up! Maybe a change in location (my dept serves 14 communities) supplemented with a side of my own business would make things better... Who knows!

Thanks alot for the encouragement... I will definitely open new threads and put in the different things I've been working on in them...



Magnum