I need some help....

I don´t know whether to post this on Short Stories or the Collaborative Writing forums, but i hope a mod would move it if it´s in the wrong forum.

I see many good writers on ATS, so i hope you could give me some advice on writing this, it´s the start of a book i try to write.

Here it is:

Prologue
He leaves the house, thinking of what just happened, the pain numbs his senses, a
drowsy feeling covers his thoughts,he cannnot think clearly, "I need to get some
answers" he thinks "It's time i start to understand this."

Two months ago.
The man is lying down the floor, he straightens up swiftly; he opens his eyes and
hears a slow banging noise nearby, he stays still for a few moments trying to adapt
to the circumstances, his brain is working at infernal speed trying to find a viable
solution to his situation, "I don't know what hit me, and i don't know why." he thinks
"Great" a little voice in his head replies "We're really making progress here."; the
banging noise stops, but the man is too busy to notice the figure running past him,
"This place used to echo with the sounds of children playing and men working, not anymore" the man thinks, he notices a nearby shopping station, he runs as fast as he can to the place.


The man enters the classroom quickly "Oh, i shouldn't have slept so late." he
thinks, the professor enters the classroom, wearing a tactical adamnsium suit with
a knife in a quick-release sheath, he walks to the center to the center of the room,
"I'm trained to teach you the Survival skills needed once you leave this place" he says, his voice is strong, he has scars crossing his arms and face, "You will need
intelligence, bravery and lots of luck." he picks up a case from his desk "This is
the survivalist's case, i personally prefer nature itself but it's my duty to show
you what every survivalist should have in the wild, out there." he opens the case and picks up a knife "A knife, preferably made from domioum, every survivalist must
have one, and if he doesn't then he should make one. Domioum is a hard substance from the outside, our scouts have retrieved a few samples and recreated their molecular structure so they're for sale at many places, i'll teach you later on how to make one." he then picked up a strange object, "What is that?" the man thinks trying to recognize the strange object, "This is a MRU, or Mobile Recognition Unit, every person that steps outside is supplied with one, the survivalist then must send it flying, which requires a strange plant found outside called "Descurinia maglia", this plant sents a chemical substance in the air which activates the MRU...."


As he approaches the station, he frantically tries to remember what happened, his brain trying to reconstruct the events that led him here; he sneaks up to a wall near a window, he peeks in through the window and sees nothing, shelves are abound in the place, with products unknown to him. After a while he enters the station, he slowly opens the door and instinctively puts out his knife, he walks in and....

That´s it, that´s all i got. I hope i get some advice on this.

Thanks for reading this.

[edit on 18/3/10 by Bildeberg]

reply to post by Bildeberg


I'd like to give you my opinion as a reader, if I may.
One way I decide, for myself, if a piece is well written is this:
Do I get a clear mental picture of what is going on?
When I read your story, I felt confused. Your sentences seem to be tacked onto each other every which way, a bit like a massive pile-up on the interstate.
A good way to fix this would be to read what you have written aloud to yourself.
Notice where a full-stop could replace a comma. It would make your structure more balanced and it would flow better.
As for the story itself, it has potential. I would love to know what is going on with this guy.
Best wishes.

reply to post by jeanvaljean

Thanks, i´m trying to think about something. Any helpful tips you may give on writing?


[edit on 19/3/10 by Bildeberg]