The notion of free will has been perplexing me lately. I've been thinking a lot about the possibility that the very thought processes involved in
what we perceive as conscious decisions on our part, might in actuality be highly complex and difficult to predict but nevertheless deterministic
processes beyond our direct control.
I did a thought experiment in which I attempted to DECIDE to think of, or envision, a certain thing; anything. First I decided to imagine something
green and fuzzy. But then I realized I hadn't decided that the parameters should be green and fuzzy; those parameters had just popped into my head at
random. So then I tried to DECIDE to set parameters that I actually DECIDED to set rather than having them pop into my head.
I couldn't do it!
So it really got me to thinking. There are all these things about us that we think are either 1) just who we are, or 2) things we choose ourselves.
But how can we prove that this is the case definitively? If I decide to have cranberry juice instead of orange juice, is that really a choice, or the
end result of a deterministic process ultimately beyond my direct control? If I decide to study Mandarin Chinese as I did recently, am I really
exercising what we think of as free will, or is it just the juxtaposition of available information, circumstances, and preconditions leading to a
highly complex, deterministic scenario that results in that apparent "decision" on my part?
The broader process of "making a decision" and "reasoning" seem to us like they are under our control; as though we can push thoughts around in
our mind at our whim. However, the moment to moment functions and interactions that give rise to the minute aspects of those "streams of thought"
aren't necessarily something we can either control or even be aware of.
This has also led me to question whether even consciousness itself, at least as we conceive of it, might be an illusion created by an incredibly
complex set of scenarios or processes that we are not fully aware of and therefore not capable of really comprehending as they truly are.
I read a bit on Wikipedia regarding various philosophical schools of thought and determinism versus free will as we conceive of it, and discovered
that I am not alone in this line of thought. It disturbs be greatly, because I want to know that I have free will as we think of it, but I can't
prove that I do irrefutably to my satisfaction, and it really vexes me. And then I realize: I'm not choosing to be disturbed by this. I am, against
my ostensibly free will, being made to fee disturbed simply because my brain and the psychological entity we call a "personality" (whatever that
REALLY is,) doesn't "like" how it "feels" to consider not being in control.