Emotional Numbing? Or heartless?

If this thread does not belong here, feel free to move.

Recently, I experienced quite a blow. I received some absolutely devastating news about a family member, so devastating it would give you nightmares. I didn't handle it very well, was absolutely distraught & in tears. I felt as though I just wanted to disappear, vanish into nothingness. I felt I just had enough of this world, and that it is a horrible place...nothing could change the way I felt & I wondered how I would be able to carry on with my life after I had received this news. It felt like I was feeling the pain of this person as well as my own...& amplified. I also felt that, as long as this person is alive, I would not have peace because I am constantly worried about them and what they are experiencing. I felt that, either they had to go, or I do, because I just couldn't handle this.

That night, I couldn't sleep. I had knots in my stomach, & images of the family member & what they could be going through was flashing through my mind like a film reel... the images wouldn't stop. They just kept on getting worse & worse eventually I had to physically shake my head to get them to stop. After two hours of that, somehow I fell asleep and was relieved to wake up the next morning as I feared I would not sleep at all.

The next day, (which was yesterday) I didn't feel anything. If I think about it now, it's like it never happened.... I couldn't shed a tear if I tried. I don't feel sad, I don't feel happy. The only thing I feel is drained. I have no energy. It's strange because I thought "how am I going to live with this?" "how do I handle something like this?". It's just strange to go from on the verge of suicidal to nothing at all. It just doesn't feel right... Does this mean that I am a heartless person? Or that I over-reacted to the situation initially? I don't know, this just feels weird. And trying to explain it in words is kind of pointless.

[edit on 23/01/2010 by jinx880101]

Your stronger senses kicked in. You were compiling so much negative energy that you were on the verge self devastation. Your subconscious is doing you a favor my friend, they are turning all that negative energy into a neutral one, so you can go on.

Don't dwell anymore, your being sent a message. Don't think about how bad it should make you feel....think about how thankful you should be because it doesn't hurt anymore.

I understand, you are perfectly alright. I'm not sure the situation, but if they hurt you, then don't let them hurt you again, get away.

But if they need you...if they are going through a troubling time, if you believe in them, stay with them.

Hang in there bud. Just look forward to tomorrow.

[edit on 16-3-2010 by Nostradumbass]

You exist now at this moment in time because billions of people have suffered and died to protect their babies who were your ancestors. I want you to realize that more pain would exist for you to end your life in such circumstances.

reply to post by jinx880101


I would say that a defense mechanism kicked subconsciously to protect you. Doesn't mean you're heartless, just means your human and your mind had to protect it's self.

reply to post by Nostradumbass


It's tricky- they do need me but I cannot be there for her any longer...it would seem I am condoning her choices. I let her know that her choices in life cut deep into my heart and it is something I cannot handle...

Although, I feel she is too far gone. But her choices are just that, her choices. I gave her an ultimatum. I doubt she will take it. I felt horrible afterward, like I had abandoned her...but hopefully she will see what she is doing to her family, and change her life for their sake if not for her own.

Thank you for your post- Just reading it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders...it's a good way to look at the situation.

reply to post by Wertdagf

You exist now at this moment in time because billions of people have suffered and died to protect their babies who were your ancestors. I want you to realize that more pain would exist for you to end your life in such circumstances.

I'm a bit confused to your post....

Just to clarify, I would never put the people who love me through that. It's just how I felt at the time. I'm just didn't know how I could go from one extreme to another.

reply to post by jinx880101


You are not heartless or cold-blooded. Although I don't know what this news was that was devastating towards you I do feel your pain. I lost some friends in this country that I work in and sometimes dream about them but always remember that life is worth living even if it seems like hell and misery. From experiences such as this you will get stronger and wiser and also have the need to help those that you care about. So do whatever you feel can make the situation better and remember that here on ATS we got your back.

Edit: $&F and hope you get well soon.



[edit on 16-3-2010 by Stop-loss!]

you just had over sensory stimulation at a given moment. the intensity was so great that is desensitized your nervous system. also just know that life's challenges eventually make us stronger if we overcome them, try to find someone in a similar position, maybe you can relate.

"why do we fall, so we can learn to pick ourselves up."

reply to post by jinx880101


The worst pain is not feeling the hurt anymore, it will pass though, of this I am certain.

A certain king went to a jeweler to have a ring made with an inscription of the jeweler's choosing. He spent an entire year crafting the ring, and when he completed the job he returned to the king. The inscription read:

"This too shall pass"

So in moments of great triumph or defeat and struggle, the words will always ring true.

reply to post by Centurionx

The worst pain is not feeling the hurt anymore, it will pass though, of this I am certain.

And then what happens when it passes? Does one go back to being distraught, or does it all just fade away into the past & you carry on as normal...

The way I see it, this can't be healthy. The last thing I want is to turn into a rock that feels nothing.

But as you say, this shall pass- & I will be waiting.
I laugh at myself when I think- "why can't we all just be normal"....what is normal anyway?

And when I think - "why me?" I think "why the hell not me?"
Better me than someone else... To comfort myself I think, 'life doesn't throw anything at you that you cannot handle" so rather me, than some innocent poor soul that wouldn't be able to deal, right?

Thanks for your post, I will keep that phrase in mind...

Originally posted by jinx880101
reply to post by Centurionx

 

The worst pain is not feeling the hurt anymore, it will pass though, of this I am certain.

And then what happens when it passes? Does one go back to being distraught, or does it all just fade away into the past & you carry on as normal...

The way I see it, this can't be healthy. The last thing I want is to turn into a rock that feels nothing.

But as you say, this shall pass- & I will be waiting.
I laugh at myself when I think- "why can't we all just be normal"....what is normal anyway?

And when I think - "why me?" I think "why the hell not me?"
Better me than someone else... To comfort myself I think, 'life doesn't throw anything at you that you cannot handle" so rather me, than some innocent poor soul that wouldn't be able to deal, right?

Thanks for your post, I will keep that phrase in mind...

Not carry on as normal, but better than normal, and more wise than before. And your absolutely right, you will never have to take on more than you can handle. The true nature of reality is the ultimate secret TPTB try to hide, and soon, VERY soon, there trickery will no longer work, and their empire of destruction will lay in ruins. A recent thread calling on all to bow to TPTB is disgusting, and should have been deleted immediately. He sounds as if he is a servant of these scumbags. GArbage...

reply to post by jinx880101


Its called emotional detachment and its a defense mechanism of the mind. It kicked in for me when I watched my brother get taken away in a body bag, when my dad had a heart attack and many other times. It is important some times, but be careful not to let it take over you're personality. Therapy can help a lot.

OP, I feel your pain. I felt this exact way when I found out that my soon-to-be-girlfriend(at the time) was raped when she was about 13, became pregnant, and then beat to a pulp to have a miscarriage.

After hearing this news, my mind was finally opened up to see how horrible of a place this world really is. I died as an idealist and was reborn a realist.

I was absolutely devastated.

I was so affected by this news that I developed anger issues and was on the brink of deppression. Others could tell that something was wrong with me by how my motivation for work and school were at an all time low. I woke up one day only to find myself without emotion. I too, couldn't shed a tear if I tried. Drained is the appropriate word for this.

The victim of this crime(my friend) became an athiest and has been ever since. After I was told of this news, I became an athiest for a good while. I couldn't comprehend how a higher source, a higher power, whatever you want to call it would allow such atrocities in this world.

I eventually came to terms, on my own, with this whole ordeal and was, in a way, thankful for being opened up to this news. If it wasn't for this bad news that I had received, I'd probably still be ignorant to the most heinous atrocities going on at this moment somewhere on this planet.

To answer your questions: 1) You are not a heartless person. If you were, you wouldn't have felt such raw emotion at one point. 2) I don't believe you overreacted to such news. Most people will obtain some sort of knowledge that will make them rethink about their life/life in general at some point in their life(such as my eye-opener about how horrible this earth really is). Its hard to go through the day when your entire belief system turns upside down.

Your reactions sound pretty normal to me, there're no tried and tested way of handling big stuff. The subconscious mind kicks in as others have said, to protect you if you need it. Numbness is very common in shocking situations, it's perfectly natural to feel the way you do. I hope you've got some people close to you, who understand the situation that you can talk to. Talking about your feelings is a very good way of letting them out. Even finding ones you didn't even know you had. (posting about your felings with us can be very cathartic too, online peoples can be very supportive through tough times, I've been humbled to find out)


Your friends choices can not be your cross to carry. We all have big decissions in our lives, crossroads if you like. Some of us don't always take the best route and can end up in all sorts of places. Sometimes all they need is to be shown the route home, sometimes they're lost, so a map is no good. Sorry for the rubbish metaphor, basicly what I'm trying to say is.... try not to be angry at your friend, we all mess up and get it wrong. Sometimes bigger than others. Sometimes you can't see how much you're hurting those you love, and who love you. (trust me, I have experience in hurting those closest to me, addiction sucks/ed) Sometimes, the road you're on is the right road, but it still hurts others close to you. Then, you've got to put your foot down and drive off. (gone back to the crap metaphor again, I'll go and stand in the corner *slaps wrists*)

Good luck with what ever it is you're going through, remember you are strong enough to cope with anything. I hope it works out with your friend too.

its called shock happens in manny tramitic experences.
heck im missing half my middle finger it was crushed by a hydrolic jack.
when it happened i accutly thought i missed hitting the finger dident feal a thing went to the er still dident feal a thing had what was left cute off still dident feal a thing .the next day i fealt it and the next and so one .
shock is a funny thing your mind turns off after a certian leavel of stress is created and that off swich can stay that way for weeks months and even years or lifetimes if the shock is great enough.
be prepaired to eather be hit again once ou get over the shock or find someone to talk about it with untill your mind can get over it.
the main risk is in taht you never deal with it and your mind never aloways you to feal depaly again wich if your marred and have kids is not a good thing.
let me tell you bad things happen but the wonder of life can be so rewording its worth the pain it can bring.
1 minit of true love is worth a yaer of heart ack

To the everyone who has posted, more directly-the last three.

I cannot begin to make you understand how much it means to me that you have taken the time to reply to my message. Not only did it touch my heart, but also brought me to once again, remember that there are wonderful people on this world who have suffered a great deal and are wonderful people because of/ despite all of what has happened.

In a way I feel that, things like this happen, & they happen to certain people so that they can experience first hand what it feels like and what it does to one as a person. Therefore, maybe they are more inclined to help others in the same situation or actively get involved in society to bring awareness and perhaps prevent such situations from developing in the future.

The biggest thing I think for me, is to realize that what my mother's actions & decisions do not indicate who I am & is not a reflection of me, my personality or my actions. It does not define who I am. (Boy, that sounds selfish). And that worrying & constantly focusing on that subject and conjuring possible situations & events in my mind does not help the situation. I have accepted that those who do not want to be helped cannot be helped. That goes completely the opposite of what my heart says- but that is what my head is telling me.

At the end of the day, people do things. We hear of disturbing things on the news everyday. Things happen to people all the time, and I am just one of the people it happened to. All I can do is accept it, it happened & probably will continue to happen.

Your replies have helped me a great deal...more than you know. & I hope there will be someone or something looking out for you. I hope that you find happiness, it something everyone deserves.

Don't try to think logically, you could go insane. Follow your instincts and you will pull out, and be thankful when you don't feel it anymore. Spiritual shock/trauma.

OP....

First of all, don't beat yourself up over your feelings. Emotions hold no moral value; they are neither good nor bad. What actions we take, based on those feelings, can be qualified....but your emotional reaction cannot.

It sounds to me like you are going through the stages of grief. Shock is first, and eventually gives way to denial. Then bargaining, depression....and finally acceptance. What's interesting is that the time each person spends in the various stages varies greatly. I know someone who spent almost two weeks in complete shock before moving on; I know someone else who lingered in denial/anger for months. It's very much an individual response and neither right or wrong.

Ultimately, what you must realize is that you CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE ELSE. Wouldn't it be great if we could? I know if I had that ability, my battles with my son and potty training would be over....but the fact of the matter is, each person has to decide for themselves what is right or wrong. This is an extremely difficult thing to accept, because we naturally want to help those we care about. But its also very liberating when you realize that the final result is out of your hands.

I don't know the situation with your friend/family member, but its obviously disturbed you greatly. That alone tells me that you genuinely care what happens to this person, so you don't need to fear that you are "heartless."

The only thing you can do in these types of situations is to be there for your friend....but not as an enabler. Tough love, if its called for, and I don't know who its tougher on.

Stay strong, and if ever you need to talk feel free to U2U me. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.