The Pro Wrestling Chronicles: Amusements (non-fiction), page 1

privacy

Pages:
ATS Members have flagged this thread 0 times

Topic started on 1-6-2004 @ 09:49 AM by Banshee

{{I wanted to give something a try here and share some of my (creatively written) non-fiction. A couple people have read this and really enjoyed it, so let's see how it goes over in a more public forum.
If you like, let me know and I may post more.}}

For those who don't know what I do outside of ATS,
I'm a professional wrestler.
Yeah, just like you see on TV, only I work locally in the Carolinas.

See, there's this thing we do whilst 'rasslin.
It's called "cracking" someone.
It's the fine art of making someone else in the ring laugh out of character without bringing the fans' attention to your doing it. Yes, we have a very weird sense of humor. I think you have to, considering you're beating the crap outta your friends for fun and profit.

Anyways.

I've never been very good at cracking people. In fact, before Saturday I'd only managed it two and a half times.

The easy ones are the refs.
With Dave, you just have to whisper "doo-doo" while he's patting you down. For some reason that word sends him into hysterics every time. I've only done it once because it just seems too easy.
With Tim, I take advantage of the fact that he purchased the Official Echelon boxer shorts. He reffed my match a couple days after he got them, and was quite pleased to be wearing them in the ring (under his ref pants, thankyouverymuch!). I grabbed him after I got in the ring and said, loud enough for the crowd to hear, "Ref, did you check him? *gestures to elbows* Did you check him??" As he's assuring me that he did indeed check Sycho, I nod and point and then mutter "Dude, I'm in your pants."
Well, his face contorted as he tried desperately not to laugh, and turned a military-perfect about face so he didn't have to look at me.
I plan to do it again if I ever draw him to ref my matches again. (*grr!* Bad luck! I haven't had him ref mine since that night!)

When I'm wrestling it's a different story. I'm concentrating on what's going on in the ring, what the fans are doing, and planning my next move all at the same time, so it's hard for me to come off with a joke in the middle of a match.
The half-crack I managed came during the Battle Royal on 5/8. Brandon wore his new tights that night, and they have tigery-looking markings on them. I think it all started backstage when I told him how sharp they looked, and he made clawing-motions and hissed at me like an angry tiger in response. Now, Brandon's a barrel-chested weightlifter type, so his catfight impression got me laughing like a loon.
During the Battle Royal, he was trying to throw me over the top rope when he leaned in and quietly squealed "REE-OW! RRROOWW! *hiss*" in at attempt to crack me. He seemed confused when I didn't start laughing, until I whispered "Dude, you're squishing my boobs on the rope!"
Well, his shoulders started shaking and he had to drop me and walk away.
Since it was unintentional on my part, it's not really a true crack.

The pinnacle of mid-match cracking happened a couple years back, and it's one of those things that we still talk about to this day.
Outlaw and Bounty Hunter were in a Tables match. I think they were tag partners, but they may have been on opposite teams; I honestly can't remember.
Anyways, they found themselves thrown through a table on the outside and were laying face-down on the concrete floor surrounded by bits of wood and in a hell of a lot of pain. They managed to work themselves so their heads were next to each other.
"Hey Doggz," muttered Outlaw. "You ever been to RJ Gator's?"
Bounty Hunter paused. "Uh, yeah..." he said.
"Ever had the gator meat?"
"Uhhhh, yeah." He's getting more confused as this goes on.
"Good, ain't it?"
"Jeff, I don't know where you're going with this," BH finally said.
"How 'bout the duck? Ever had the duck meat?"
"Uhhh, no, can't say I have," BH answered, now thoroughly perplexed.
"Well, why don't you duck on down here and get you some!!" Outlaw chortled, making a vague gesture towards his crotch.
BH laid his face on the concrete and wood splinters, and the only thing Outlaw heard was something that can best be written as, "Hur-hur-hur-hur-hur. HUR-hur-hur-hur!" and his shoulders were shaking and he wouldn't look at Outlaw for the rest of the match because of it.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant, I say. This is something I aspire to.

So right now the current "thing" amongst the wrestlers is the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" featuring Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, Ron "Tater Salad" White and, our personal favorite, Larry the Cable Guy. (yeah, we're a bunch of rednecks.) I was a little behind the times and hadn't seen this masterpiece until a certain phrase had started making the rounds with a couple of the guys.
They tried to crack Will with it a couple shows back. Like me, he had no idea what the hell was going on, so all he could do was stare blankly. Backstage he asked me if I knew what they were on about. I didn't, so we grabbed Outlaw and asked. We were instructed to view the Blue Collar Comedy Tour as soon as possible.
Later that week, Will rushed over to my house with a brand-new DVD of this mythical comedy thing and we settled in to watch. And then we understood.

So Saturday night all the babies (good guys) ran out to save the dour and rather unshakeable Chris Williams from a beatdown in the ring at the hands of Styles' Stable. The bad guys ran away and we tried to get Chris to his feet and out of the ring.
As is my custom, I lean close to him and mutter, "Everyone okay?"
Clutching his ribs, he says "yes" in between groans of pain.
Seeing my chance, I start to nudge him out of the ring, with Outlaw on the outside pulling his arm.
"C'mon Chris, let's go," I say loud enough for the front row to hear. Then I do it. I go for the kill.
He's face down. In the softest bellow I could manage, I lean right down next to his head and ... "Git-R-Done!!!"
His shoulders start to shake. Outlaw's trying not to laugh.
"God dammit, Chellie!" Chris chokes out.
Outlaw leans in. "That's funny. I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!"
Chris tumbles out of the ring and kind of curls up in a ball on the floor. His shoulders are still shaking.

My third and, dare I say, best crack.

[Edited on 5-6-2004 by Banshee]