Stop Trying To Change Me : For Men and Women, Single, Married, or Otherwise

I thought I would start a "Relationships" thread, seeing as I've been in and out of many of them.

This is about those relationships where the other significant other, take your pick of their title, tries to change you, or even if you've been the person forcing a change, or know of someone.

Feel free to join in, it's about all of the above, but is not limited to that necessarily.

I'm leaving it open, to all gender type relationships, all statuses of relationship, and interpretations.

I am now currently single, but I've been in and out of relationships, and I think someone wanting you to change, for their reasons, is selfish as Hell.

Now, let me preface the rest of this thread, that I do understand the difference between wanting your relationship partner to mature, to look good for a job interview, or to be attractive.

This is not exactly what I'm talking about, where a loved one wants you to succeed, there is a distinct difference.

What I am referring to with the title and message is one where a loved one does not like something about you, and selfishlessly tries to make you change it, through subtle manipulation, outright forceful and annoying bitching, and or through abusive behaviors.

I am someone who knows how to dress for the particular event, how to look good with any style of haircut, I've had both short hair (currently crew cut) and long hair down to the crack of my butt.

I am referring here to those relationships where a person is not so much not happy with you, in that they are more than likely not happy with themselves, and take it out on you.

I have been in approximately fifteen relationships, two of them engagements, and the last one was the one I actually thought I would marry, but it alas, did not work out, thank God.

I've been in local relationships, online relationships that lead to real life ones, and around the world.

I am by no means a relationship expert, these are my thoughts, opinions, and ideas.

I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on relationships because I thought having a semi-serious relationship discussion might just give someone, even if it's just me, a place to talk.

I could go into specifics more but I do not feel it is necessarily important but we will see as this thread continues.

To me, a relationship is about mutual respect, love, and being a part of someone's life.

I see a relationship as well as a want and not a need for me.

If you disagree, great, if you agree, great, I'll still talk to you.

When I say want, I mean I can live without a significant other, quite happily.

My current ex-girlfriend, could not, she was one who needed a significant partner.

This will be sure to be a point of contention for some people, I am sure, human nature after all, is about differences of opinions, interpretations, and perspectives.

I'm one of those individuals who believes what I want and I will respect your opinion.

A need to me, is food, water, shelter, and a want is above and beyond that.

You cannot live without food, water, and shelter, you can however life, without a loved one.

My former girlfriend did not believe the same way as I do and I am now grateful we're not together.

I've been single now since 2005 and I am quite happy and content being single.

[edit on 24-2-2010 by SpartanKingLeonidas]

Very well thought out and I agree with you completely on every point you've made.

I have much the same thing written on my profile (not quite as wordy haha) on one of the various dating websites and I'm 99.9% sure it's why a lot of guys don't contact me hahahaha. Confidence is scary.. ooohhhh haha.

I've found a lot of people in the world don't like you being happy within yourself and will try anything to make you not quite so happy and half the time I don't think they even realise they are doing it which is sad.

Interesting topic, looking forward to hearing other peoples views.

Well I will change certain things such as how to clean the house, how to fold the clothes and whatnot as I don't find that by changing to make my partner happy is that big of a deal.

What I won't change are my morals, my beliefs and whatnot unless it is a true change within myself. I will respect my partners beliefs also but if they are different than mine, it takes us both to just agree to disagree if you catch my drift.

But for anyone thinking that they will eventually change their partner on something he/she believes strongly in, is in a relationship that is doomed to fail or at least not be a very comfortable or happy one.

What one person won't change due to their values might not be so important in another individual, and they would.

That's what makes life so interesting...

I think that it should be a national law that anyone that dates YOU SKL should be forced to try and change you.

Otherwise, I agree, if you are trying to change the person you are with, you don't want to be with that person.

Originally posted by damn_ummmm
Very well thought out and I agree with you completely on every point you've made.

Glad to hear it.

Originally posted by damn_ummmm
I have much the same thing written on my profile (not quite as wordy haha) on one of the various dating websites and I'm 99.9% sure it's why a lot of guys don't contact me hahahaha. Confidence is scary.. ooohhhh haha.

Confidence is something I have, in myself, not in anyone else.

Originally posted by damn_ummmm
I've found a lot of people in the world don't like you being happy within yourself and will try anything to make you not quite so happy and half the time I don't think they even realise they are doing it which is sad.

Interesting topic, looking forward to hearing other peoples views.

I agree, the majority of the time, it is subconsciously, but sometimes it is intentional.

Originally posted by tribewilder
Well I will change certain things such as how to clean the house, how to fold the clothes and whatnot as I don't find that by changing to make my partner happy is that big of a deal.

I can concur with that, cleaning a house is definitely something both parties need to agree on.

Folding clothes is something I've never been big on nor ironing.

I know how to do both but it's not something I always want to do.

Originally posted by tribewilder
What I won't change are my morals, my beliefs and whatnot unless it is a true change within myself. I will respect my partners beliefs also but if they are different than mine, it takes us both to just agree to disagree if you catch my drift.

Agreed.

Agreeing to disagree in a relationship is often difficult.

Just how far are we as a partner willing to go is up to each of us.

Originally posted by tribewilder
But for anyone thinking that they will eventually change their partner on something he/she believes strongly in, is in a relationship that is doomed to fail or at least not be a very comfortable or happy one.

I agree with you there which is why I am grateful the last girlfriend is no longer with me.

Originally posted by tribewilder
What one person won't change due to their values might not be so important in another individual, and they would.

That's what makes life so interesting...

Again, I agree with you, and I'm done changing for people.

I will change as necessary to be a human being and adapt to life.

I will however, not, and I repeat not, change because someone else wants me to.

There's a difference between changing, adapting, and being forced to do something against your will, and when people, relationship's or otherwise try to force people, they resist.

Originally posted by whatukno
I think that it should be a national law that anyone that dates YOU SKL should be forced to try and change you.

Ha ha ha.

Originally posted by whatukno
Otherwise, I agree, if you are trying to change the person you are with, you don't want to be with that person.

Glad you posted since I knew you would stop by this thread.

If someone wants someone to change, when it is not necessarily a maturity issue, we're on a slippery slope, indeed, and I've been with a few women who were less mature.

I found it too difficult to be with them and ended the relationship as quick as possible.

One girlfriend had father issues and I did not want to raise my girlfriend.

I have been thinking about this for a long time and truthfully I hesitated to post .. Reason being is it is a touchy topic. For the readers of my reply post these are my thoughts on this thread. It would save a lot of heartache and drama if we seriously review some simple vibes and gut feelings before we attempt to put forth tons of needles energy towards someone who is not willing to accept you for who you are.

We should first be honest with ourselves in what we truly want ..Is it a long lasting relationship with no marriage in mind or is it a traditional marriage with a license stating you are married? There are many different kinds of relationships now a days that people imagine will work.

Speaking for myself who is now in a semi single relationship due to the length of 20+ years and some very difficult circumstances and hardships.
I’ll attempt to give my feelings about people who attempt to change someone..

I admit I can be overpowering on certain things like decisions or choices my suggestions some times seem on the strong side but I never try push the issue to where I’m right your wrong.. Cos in the end you can never make choices for someone they have to decide on their own. And acceptance is where its at , you may differ from a friend or your mate but that’s life and some times we should learn to keep some stuff silent. I’m not a hateful person in the first place but I will defend what is and is not and try to give my reasoning’s. I love a good debate every now and then with my mate.

Before even considering a person for even the second date there are some things we all take into consideration. Even if it was through a online situation. We should know after the first date whether that person has some of the qualities you may like or someone you felt had some type of chemistry or connection. If in fact you get beyond that stage and into wanting to spend most of your time with him or her tells me there is something going on. So if during this time you have discovered he or she is someone that is controlling or manipulative with you id say bail out. NO one wants to be changed or conformed to someone else.

Yes in fact there are things we woman do that irritate a man and vice versa but when you truly love someone you learn to accept him or her for who they genuinely are. Some people clash for certain reasons. Expectations put “upon on one”, due to the wrong out look on a mature relationship such as, we need to know how send out the right signals.

Although this wont stop someone who is in need of a relationship because they are lonely or need someone to take care of them. This for many reasons is never a right way to start out. I see many mistakes being made if you want a one night stand or a fling there’s nothing wrong with it just make sure your not out hurting anyone. We all need compassion and to be loved just make sure your not out there looking for all the wrong reasons. I would never be happy knowing it was that easy to change a persons mind to every little thing I wanted in life .. that’s a very controlling attitude and has no place in a love relationship at least not mine.

Ok Spartan, I've had it both ways.
A partner who restricted everything I did to the point of being abusive.
Then a partner who was so slack that I could fool around and it didn't matter.
I had developed into a really screwed up person with some very self destructive behaviors.
Now I have somebody in my life who won't go out of his way to change me.
It's like this song...

I went from feeling like the biggest screw up..to the most perfectly beautiful woman in the world.
He didn't change me.I changed me.I changed for the better.
Yeah, i know, you are gonna dissect my post..but buddy..I'm happier than I have ever been in my whole life.
All he has to do is smile at me, and everything wrong with the world disappears.
There can't be anything wrong with that.

reply to post by NorthStargal52


I understand exactly where you're coming from, NorthStargal52.

Sometimes, our signals get crossed, sometime we are taught by a bad example.

Sometimes, we see things from differing perspectives, and do not ask enough questions.

With the last relationship I had, I thought I had figured out the right questions to ask, how to ask them, how to ask them several different ways.

I was sadly mistaken.

The now ex-girlfriend wanted a "weekend project" boyfriend.

Someone she could "fix" because he was not quite what she wanted.

I am in no way claiming I am perfect, far from it in fact, but I know what I like.

I know what I will tolerate.

I know what I will accept.

I know what I will not tolerate.

I know what I will not accept.

I know who and what I am and how I want to represent that to the world.

There are things in life I just do not give a damn about.

Those are things which I could live with or without and it would not even phase me.

Children are one of those things.

I never grew up hoping to have children.

It is one of those things I am willing to consider, now, because prior to 10 years ago, I would not even consider having children, because of a rotten childhood.

When I say I do not give a damn, I am not stating I would not care about the child, and or children, I am speaking merely about having children.

The act of getting my girlfriend and or wife pregnant is not something I am constantly thinking about, except the responsibility of said sexual intercourse, and if she was to get pregnant, without our having planned it.

Ever had someone try the "pregnancy trap" on you?

I doubt it, you're female, it doesn't work that way for females.

Unfortunately, I have had a woman, more like a girl, her actions at least.

I am not posting this to bash any women, the behaviors, however have left me with much to consider, because manipulation, is where I draw the line.

Once I have figured out a woman is trying to manipulate me, forget it.

And manipulating someone to change who and how they are in far beyond that line.

Over my lifespan, I have had many relationships, some good, some bad.

Some which made me think the Devil came to Earth and inhabited a female body.

Just to torment me.

Does this mean I'm changing sides and turning homosexual?

Hell no.

It just means I am taking an extended hiatus from dating, sex, and relationships.

So far, it has been 5 years, for all three of those, and I'm fine with that.

Until I have my life in order, relationships, other than friendships, are off limits.

Even "friends with benefits" is off limits as far as I am concerned.

I know how to be flexible, trust me, but there's a subtle difference between being flexible, being walked all over, and being twisted in knots thorugh manipulation.

reply to post by AccessDenied


If he makes you happy and you get to be yourself you won sweetheart.

And that makes me happy to hear you say that.

I am always here if you ever need a shoulder and or ear.

And I only dissect posts which take thought to reply to.

You did not make it complicated, you did not make any waves, nor did you share much.

Other than you're happy.

If you're happy, I'm happy for you, and we move right along.

If however a relationship makes you change who you are, not speaking of our dynamics changing as being a part of a couple, but you become angry, resentful, or completely change our mindsets, it is a time for change.

And I have had a few good relationships, but I always learn, and learning is good.

If we stop learning, we simply stop living, if we stop living, we are a robot.

Only robots recite things via rote, carry out life via quasi-life like actions, or fall into a rut so deep we cannot get out, and we lose ourselves.

reply to post by AccessDenied


I love that song!

Ultimately the only person that can change us is ourselves.
For me it was a matter of life and death. Clean up, sober up or die.
Many don't make it. I'm fortunate to have had a woman in my life that
made choosing life a blessing, because it could have gone either way.

reply to post by whaaa


Yes, that is not the type of change I was addressing, that kind is often needed.

Thank you nonetheless for posting about that.

And feel free to share more in depth if you wish.

By no means is this post to you meant as a nasty jab.

I see the "sober up" type change as a positve.

My father was an alcoholic, my mother divorced him due to that, and wrecking four of her cars, due to inebriation, it's a lesson I did not follow.

I do not drink.

[edit on 11-6-2010 by SpartanKingLeonidas]

Originally posted by whaaa
reply to post by AccessDenied

 

I love that song!

Ultimately the only person that can change us is ourselves.
For me it was a matter of life and death. Clean up, sober up or die.
Many don't make it. I'm fortunate to have had a woman in my life that
made choosing life a blessing, because it could have gone either way.

And WE are fortunate as well that you are still with us buddy.

I change things about my self all the time. Feeling theres nothing you need to change in order to be around other people comes across as argent and self centered .
Every one has flaws me you her him we all do the challenge in life is to try
and change these flaws .
You say the last girl you dated was clingy (lucky you) .
anyway clingy can be lack of self confidence alot of times.
did you even try to show her she could be with you but also have a life out side of you?
Sometimes both people need to change just a little to meet in the middle .
By the way you describe your self it seams you are not wanting a ltr if you got so close that you almost marred more then one and backed out was it really just that one thing you tell us she had that made you do it?
not that any thing I wrote here will change any thing if theres one thing people hate more then any thing its to look at the flaws they have.
I see my flaws they bite but I will face them and try to change them.