Funny Quotes

Was thinking about about a thread for funny quotes. Here goes

“There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.” - Josh Groban

"It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours." -- Harry S. Truman

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running." -- Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. --Groucho Marx

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
-- Jay Leno

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. --Steven Wright

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. --W. C. Fields

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. -- Albert Einstein

“Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.” - Oscar Wilde

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not". - Mark Twain

Now time for some super cool quotes:

“And if you ain’t down with that, then we’ve got two words for you:… Suck It!”
HBK - Shawn Michaels

Few more quotes:

"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."

"Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest."

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling."

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing "

How can we forget our Bush
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

and last but not least

"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when I run into an open sewer and die." -Mel Brooks

I think this one was Mel Brooks too:

"I remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

Here are a couple that i like

I love Thanksgiving turkey... it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Homer Simpson

Everyone has photographic memory, some just don't have the film.

regards
ian