Losing Hope...

Hjello,

The title pretty much sums it up. I'm not writing this for pity or whatever else you can call it. I don't have anyone else to talk to this about, so I come here. If I go see a "professional" they put me on anti-depressants, and pretty much say the same things they were taught to say to people in a crisis or giving up. I see the end of my journey coming up, and it makes me sick.

I'm just as confused about life as I was when I started wondering about it. I believe there must be a creator out there, but they have turned their backs on me. Whatever I was supposed to do, I must have failed, and they said, well, just let him live his puny life out, I guess he deserves that much. Why would a creator leave his creation in ignorance to wallow in amnesia? I have no idea.

Regarding the afterlife. I have no evidence whatsoever that it even exists. I envy those that have found evidence of it, but I guess it's not meant for me to find it. I just feel like my loved ones that have passed on over the years would have come back to contact me by now if there was one. When they died, that was it. Perhaps this is all there is, as damn crazy as that sounds. For the most part, I've been a naive, ignorant, consuming virus that has really done nothing to better society or people in general.

There are beautiful things in this world, but not even the most beautiful things can make me love myself, or accept the fact that I don't even know where the hell I came from. Those that were dear to me and I loved, have died. Those few that are left don't understand why I'm the way I am. It's because everyone dies. I look at them, and even though their smiles are beautiful, their touch is pleasant, and their laughter gives me good feelings, I can't help but think they are all going to die. Needless to say, that kind of impedes me from loving them like I should.

I feel like someone who has dug themselves in a hole, believing that there was something on the other side, only to find that it was a lie, and now realizing I'm stuck in the hole until I die. Every freaking day I ask for a sign, for someone out there to talk to me. It is always meet with 100% silence. I do appreciate this life, and I'm glad for the experience, but my battery is just about depleted. Even being stubborn only last for so long. I've been broken I guess.

Thanks for listening to my story. I'm sorry if it bothered you, and I wish everyone the best...Gumerk

Needless to say, that kind of impedes me from loving them like I should.


Looks like you are at your rock bottom.
I guess you know what needs to be done now.
Give it freely without worry...the rewards are greater then you might think.

If you need a friend give me a shout.

[edit on 10-2-2010 by DrumsRfun]

Dude, I used to be the same way. I drove myself crazy trying to decipher this thing we call life (existence) and our place in it. The key is to not try to figure it out, because it's impossible. I now live by 2 codes - "Don't take life too seriously, you don't come out of it alive, anyway" and lyrics from a song sung by John Fogerty (I don't think he wrote it) "Sometimes I think life is just a rodeo, the trick is to ride and make it to the bell".

you should just put a lime in the coconut and drink it all up then You put the lime in the coconut and call the doctor woke him up.

Don't give up.

Yes, everyone dies, that's life. That's why it's important to make the most out of what you have and when you have it.......now.

Yes, everyone is broken, that's life. It breaks us. It takes our hopes, dreams and aspirations from childhood and grinds them into the glass that we are forced to view our current life through. What you view though, the life you choose to make, is entirely up to you. You can either see the dark skies of what life has done to you, or you can see the bright skies of what it hasn't. The possibilities, the people you haven't met, the places you haven't been and the things you haven't done.

This can be a very beautiful life for you my friend, all you have to do is look for it.



Peace

Quit your whining and suck it up.

Take a walk , and look at a small child in a wheelchair.

Look at a mother , who wont see her children's weddings because cancer is

eating her up.

Look at the family of 4 , living in a tent.

Quit your bitchin', and enjoy life

[edit on 10-2-2010 by Sean48]

reply to post by Gumerk

Why would a creator leave his creation in ignorance to wallow in amnesia? I have no idea.

I find it likely that God's purpose for the universe, if there is a god and a purpose, has very little to do with us. That we are simply an unexpected, or even expected though inconsequential, emergent property of the universe's operation. There's quite a few assumptions which tend to be made when talking about a being such a God; most of which are simply tenants of one religion or another which have become so ingrained into our society that it's simply never questioned or is taken as a defining set of attributes.

Try abandoning such assumptions like "God is Omnipotent/Omnicient" or that "God made the universe just for us and other sentient life". Perhaps it's more understandable if we simply look to the creation we exist within for answers, rather than tales and legends and scriptures. It won't bring you comfort, but perhaps it can bring you understanding and acceptance.

I believe in god, but I try not to assign any qualities or demeanor on such a being or beings for which there is no evidence. Even my very belief is admittedly irrational, and must take a back seat to evidence backed understanding of our universe when trying to make a point to other people. I've gamed an idea which I think fits the evidence available, though beyond quelling my own cognitive dissonance it's not an idea would defend or promote. Again.. it lacks evidence to even warrant it's suggestion, just a response to my faith.

The idea is that perhaps god or gods are researchers running a simulation on complexity and emergent phenomena. Perhaps developing and evaluating mechanisms for the practical application of absolute causal knowledge. Or just better understanding of their own universe. However, they couldn't simulate their universe in a computer within their universe... as it would require more energy than is present in the universe to model and simulate everything in the universe. So our universe, a much smaller universe, was created using a very simple equation (perhaps, eluding to the elegance in physics) and stood back to see if the resultant outcome resembled their own universe in it's operation. Yet even if such beings, god/gods, were omnipotent - causation and chaos, complexity, would prevent such beings from intervening in this universe without some causal explanation we can observe/figure out. To interfere with the universe would necessitate a fundamental change on some level of the operation of the universe, creating an ripple effect as minor interactions modifying the original conditions would amplify to all layers of interaction above it, perhaps destroying the universe in the process. Fine tuning as an argument only works if the universe stays fine tuned, after all, and apparently it does - since the fundamental constants of our universe don't appear to shift. Perhaps they do, and we're continually being restored from a saved state when it all collapses... who knows.

I don't actually believe that's the case... but I find such thought experiments based on a basic understanding of the universe to be useful in grasping concepts that, without prior experience by which to form analogs, would be incomprehensible otherwise.

At any rate, you won't find solace in the mechanisms of existence. No truths, no comfort, no meaning. You'll have to accept that some of mankind's oldest unanswered questions will likely never be explained or solved. Not because the answer is beyond our understanding... but because the question is inapplicable, and we simply didn't know enough at the time they were first asked to recognize how silly it was.

Give this video a watch, and see what it makes you think.


Good luck finding peace of mind.

[edit on 10-2-2010 by Lasheic]

reply to post by Gumerk


Who I Am Makes A Difference

www.blueribbonmovie.com...



[edit on 10/2/2010 by Hedera Helix]

Hey, OP, I hear you. It sounds very familiar.

About fifteen years ago I got a pet cat. Now, I'd been told I'd never have children, so this at became a substitue child. Sad, I know, but I doted on that thing....all those cliches about crazy cat ladies, that was me.

Anyway, all the time that I had that cat, there was this little voice in the back of my head, keeping track of the time. I would think, "Okay, he's only two years old, the average life span for a cat is fifteen years, I've got 13 more years left." And so I spent the next several years dreading what was inevitable.

Well, he died of course. And I discovered just how terrible that seperation was (yes, I realize it was a cat but still painful).....it was awful, hurtful, dreadful, and every other terrible adjective you can think of.

Not to long after he died, I lost four very close family members in a row, all from various things. So all that grief, uncertainty, added to all my own questions about life and death....it was a lot. Kinda felt like rock bottom.

Then, suddenly, it just... ended. I don't know how to put it any plainer than that. It wasn't that my questions about life after death were suddenly answered; it just seemed that the actual question wasn't relevant any more. It was....peaceful. I don't have any facts, any data, anything like that, but I'm pretty sure that somehow....its going to be okay.

Best wishes for you as you work through this...please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs,

popup.lala.com... that should cheer you up

Quit your whining and suck it up.

reply to post by Sean48


You may have the sincerest of intentions, but is this really helpful? The man is reaching out for advice....he's obviously hurting.

You have a valid point, and one worth hearing. But please bear in mind that mental and/or emotional turmoil can be every bit as painful as physical burdens, if not more so.

Sorry if this comes across like an attack, I guess it hits close to home.

reply to post by Lasheic


Wow it is difficult to follow such a thought provoking post as this one, only to add what some Swami is reported to have said:

The bad news = there is no key to the universe.
The good news = it was never locked.

I fight depression daily. But somehow I get little "gifts" of insight if I'm open to it but not looking for it.

No situation is hopeless, so keep on searching. (BTW, I had a visit from the stroke fairy two years ago which left me with permanent defecits.)
In my dreams I am still whole.

There is a better day ahead. Regards...kk



[edit on 10-2-2010 by kinda kurious]

reply to post by smyleegrl


well he should just suck it up. This is ATS NOT live journal.

Never give up hope, for when we give up hope all is lost. I feel that we are far more than just a physical body. We are all made of energy and energy does not die. When we die we change and move on to something diferent, something better.

There are many fascinating cases of near death experiences that you may wish to explore. Just as we are born, one day we will die. Never take anything or anyone for granted. Love all that you can with all of your heart, and know that you are not alone. If you need to talk, we are here to listen. ~***Hugs***~

Originally posted by zaiger
reply to post by smyleegrl

 

well he should just suck it up. This is ATS NOT live journal.

Careful friend. Karma is a boomerang.

Know that i love you. Me and you are creations of our experiances... you are who you are for very exact reasons... and the same goes with me. Take the gloom of the world and turn it into a treasure chest of mistakes you can learn valuable lessons from.

The future may not offer you a magical genie god... or a heaven, but there is still so much to understand and see. You can live as long as you want.

There are some I know who think as you do

I used to knock myself out trying to make them feel better. It was like throwing rocks into a deep hole and depressed and exhausted me, because it seemed they were being stubborn about feeling hopeless

So I condensed it after a while, to: ' Dump your expectations of everyone and everything. If you insist on harbouring expectations --- expect of yourself '

In your case, I'd add: the land of the dead is for the dead. You're in the land of the living. So you may as well give 'living' your best shot before you die too

Who knows ? Maybe there's 'life after death'. And maybe there's nothing except Nothing. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it

If there is a life after death, again, who knows --- it might be as bad as life on earth, or worse, or .... ?

And if there's nothing, well, you won't know. You'll be dead. So it will be a sleep with no awakening

So, just dump expectations. And try not to label anything as 'good' or 'bad'. It's 'experience', that's all. Pain is 'experience'. It doesn't have to be a 'bad' experience. Things won't hurt as much if you choose to regard them as simply as 'you' having experiences. ' Oh, I seem to be drowning here. Huh .. quite an experience. Wasn't as bad as I thought. Didn't take long, either. Didn't hurt much. Feels ok, now my body's stopped fighting it ' etc.

It's said that South Sea islanders (prior to Westernisation) lived for the moment. Didn't dwell on the past (can't be changed anyway, can it ?). Trusted the Future to sort itself out. And lived in each moment, be that climbing a coconut tree or taking a nap. Very contented people before they were programmed to lust for Mercedes Benz and wide-screens.

So why not try that ? Why not dump expectations which lead to disappointment ? Stop gothic musings about death and the dead. Take a shower, step outside and as you walk along, start the habit of shutting up the internal dialogue. Every time it starts, slap it down. Concentrate on the sound of your breathing, on the length of your stride, your own aliveness, your body's heart pumping strongly.

Push yourself to break old patterns. If you usually take the bus, walk half the way instead. If you normally walk with your eyes on the ground, make a point of focusing on the horizon, on other people's behaviours. Say 'Hi, nice day' instead of simply passing others in silence. Pick up a dropped container from the street and put it in a rubbish bin. Step aside to let others through. Smile to those who seem miserable and bitter. Don't worry about their reaction. You smiled and that's all that matters. Change your job. Move to another State. Learn a new skill or sport. Join things: carpentery, lapidary, yoga, debating, charity organisations.

It's trite but true. You cannot remain depressed if you keep busy. Another way to make depression a thing of the past is to 'change the subject' every time your mind starts focusing on You.

Yes, everything dies: people, pets, relationships, etc. That *IS* Life. It's all 'experience'. Flows in, flows out. Every second that passes is gone for good

Get more sleep
Eat well, take vitamins, exercise in moderation
Chuck out old clothes regularly ... they hold memories and associations
Get rid of anything you haven't used for a year
Get a whole new load of underwear and throw out the old
Paint a wall in a colour that appeals to you
Syle your hair a different way
Take up crossword or other puzzles
Go to an art gallery or museum or take a train to the other side of town
Try new foods
Go to somewhere isolated (beach, hill-top) and shout the first thing that comes into your mind
Join an amateur dramatics group or a choir .. go on, dare you
Pretend to be Indian or Italian or Russian for an hour, a day ... speak with an accent and go to a coffee shop or library. See what happens. How does it feel, being someone else ? How do people relate to the new you ? Does it change how you felt before about your 'adopted' nationality ? LOL

Do the 'laughing therapy' thing ... stand naked in your house and 'ho ho ho' .. do it before a mirror .. in the garden if you like. Then laugh on the hour every hour, even before going to sleep. See how you feel after a month

Ok. On your way now. You're cured

reply to post by Gumerk

Thanks for listening to my story. I'm sorry if it bothered you

Thanks for sharing, you didn't bother me, and if you don't mind i'd like to share a few thoughts if you wish to listen.

I believe there must be a creator out there, but they have turned their backs on me. Whatever I was supposed to do, I must have failed, and they said, well, just let him live his puny life out, I guess he deserves that much. Why would a creator leave his creation in ignorance to wallow in amnesia?

Why would a creator babysit you to a possible destiny, or walk you through life, because they made you it doesn't mean they have to in way help you live YOUR life, that would defeat the purpose of free will, would it not?

It's your life, not anyone elses life, you make the choices, you make the decisions. It's not about pointing the finger at a creator for letting you down, it should be about you taking responsibility and living your life the way you want it.

For the most part, I've been a naive, ignorant, consuming virus that has really done nothing to better society or people in general.

There are very many people who have lived a selfish life, but that doesn't nesaccerily make them bad people. Live a selfish life, better yourself, and be happy, why should your purpose be to better society or other people other than yourself?

I feel like someone who has dug themselves in a hole, believing that there was something on the other side, only to find that it was a lie, and now realizing I'm stuck in the hole until I die. Every freaking day I ask for a sign, for someone out there to talk to me. It is always meet with 100% silence. I do appreciate this life, and I'm glad for the experience, but my battery is just about depleted. Even being stubborn only last for so long. I've been broken I guess.

No one is going to magically appear, hold your hand and make it all better. It is your choice, it is your life. I feel that you're being extremely hard on yourself for no apparent, or mentioned, reason and you go through life day to day punishing yourself for things you haven't even done.

You sound like an intelligent person, you are well aware of the beauty in life, but still you focus on all the negatives. Why not be more positive, and spend more time on the things that make YOU happy, spend more time understanding and being apart of the endless beauty in this life.

It's all to easy to get sucked into the negative aspects life has to offer, but waiting and hoping for someone to save you is pointless, it's time you got your focus back, it's time you got that fire back in your eye and started living your life the way you want to, and not living your life in regret.

You're not a bad person, you're a good person, start believing it.

Goodluck my friend.

watch this, remember you are not alone , most that visit here say what you say eventually.

regards

QS

reply to post by Dock9


Very well written advice, I enjoyed reading it.

Reminds me of a line in the Shawshank Redemption by Stephen King.

Get busy living, or get busy dying....