Oh yeah? More evolved huh? Pfffft!
(Jean Paul rolls his eyes and kicks the waste basket by his desk.)
Does this mean that like grumpy people are the new "ascended masters"?
(Jean Paul grumbles something inaudible and then yells at his neighbors to turn the g-damned television down.)
Okay, fine! I'll buy that too. Maybe I should start my own church and begin proselytizing the joys of grumpiness. The Church of the Cantankerous
Saints, how about that? I will preach that if someone strikes you turn the other cheek and call them an ATSHOLE! After you declare; "ouch!", of
(Jean Paul gets up from his seat and grabs the dictionary near buy and throws it at the wall, following that gesture with several bangs on the wall
demanding his neighbors turn down their stupid television set. After a moment, he hears the volume of the neighboring television set recede and he
goes back to his desk and starts typing again.)
You know what I hate? I mean really hate? I hate neighbors who spend all day and night blaring their g-damned television set at 11 on the volume
scale, and all they ever watch is Oprah, American Idol, and in between re-runs of Married With Children. Geez Louise, I hate that. Does a person
really have to turn their volume up to full blast to listen to Oprah yammer on about this or that, and pretend she's so wonderful? Couldn't she be
just as wonderful at...say, half the volume? And what's up with that Simon Cowell dude? What a poser! Pretending to be grumpy ain't evolution,
its just pretense!
And, I have never understood what is so funny about that stupid show Married With Children. The joke are stupid and lame, and I don't mean stupid
like Three Stooges stupid, (which is a great show and very funny, talk about turning the other cheek), I mean stupid as in devolved, as in moronic, as
in pointless and base with jokes that are not at all funny, just pretending to be funny. And what's up with that stupid laugh track? Do television
executives honestly think that by following a lame joke with canned laughter that an audience will find it any funnier?
Well, maybe it does, since clearly so many idiots in this country love that show...at full volume. Too bad this post doesn't come with a laugh
track...well, on second thought, maybe it does...
(Jean Paul pauses and does a double take to punctuate his lame joke and allow the emoticons functioning as a laugh track to get his readers to
Maybe we're all just like Pavlov's dogs, and we salivate when we're supposed too, and just because I drool when I sleep, or when I see a pretty
girl, it doesn't make me any less evolved. It is this high level of evolution that has led to my involuntary drooling, and I am nothing more than a
product of being highly evolved.
(The rolling eye emoticon is visual shtick intended to get a laugh, so the producers of this post have insisted a laugh track follow.)
You know what else I hate? I hate that evolution is so dogmatic in its "science". I am so sick and tired of science imitating religion. I mean
just because art imitates life, doesn't mean science has to imitate religion.
(John Paul is waiting for the laughs, but they don't come.)
Hello? Hello, hello! Is this mic on?
(After hearing that laugh, Jean Paul peers out into his virtual readership of an audience to find the single person laughing.)
Thanks Mom. Everybody, this is my mother who has come to visit from New York.
(Jean Paul waits for the virtual audience to applaud, but because the producers of this post are really cheap, they didn't buy a full clapping track
and instead got a really good deal on a one hand clapping track.)
Okay, okay, okay, that's enough. She came to support the show not steal my thunder. This is my show dammit! Thanks Mom.
Yeah. Think its funny? Well, I got news for you, being good humored only makes you less evolved!
What the hell are you laughing at? The jokes on you people!
I tell ya, nothing befuddles a wise and grumpy man, more than a bunch of morons laughing.
Listen I would love to keep on telling stupid jokes so the producers can run their laugh track but someone has to pay for all these stupid emoticons,
so we are going to have to break away for a word from our sponsors and I will return after these messages.
(While Jean Paul's virtual live audience claps politely and silently he steps out into the audience to give his mother a kiss on the cheek and
shamelessly suck up to his audience, since his ratings are down and he is under pressure to get them up. So, since his neighbors insist on blaring
Oprah at full volume he has learned a few tricks through osmosis, and is doing what he can to be more lovable. Kind of like a lovable grump...a
highly evolved lovable grump)