Stifled or Selfish or What ?

Guys,

I just got divorced. (My fault entirely). Caused my ex too much stress with finances, work, late nights etc. Your typical asshole spouse. That I was.

Got a girlfriend now. Actually, she was one of my old girlfriends. We never sort of lost contact. I moved out during the divorce and was extremely lonely, especially during the evenings, TV dinner and no one to talk to or anything.

That's how I started getting back into serious contact with my present girlfriend.

Having her around has been a real blessing for me cause she takes absolutely great care of me and my place does not look like a bachelor pad anymore. It's neat, tidy and clean. (However, with an additional person [that's her] staying over every night). She's got quite a bit of family inheritance and does not need to work.

Now, lately, I am having some personality clashes with her, normally, with her backing down. I know this is NOT healthy and will destroy our relationship, sooner or later and I just don't want to cause anymore hurt or pain to anyone else or myself.

These personality clashes usually stem from her incessant checking on my personal stuff, flipping through my papers, casing my drwers and documents. I even have to set up a sercutiy code for my mobile phone cause I can't be carrying it around with me everywhere go in the home. It is not that I got stuff to hide from her. It's just that when she does these things, I feel very very offended and disrespected.

I go to work, come straight home. No oher activities. Nothing. She waits for me even before I get to come around the corner along the street. She said she wanted to experience the feeling of meeting her man coming back home (whatever that means).

We are not kids. I am 45 (now divorced) and she is 36 (divorced years ago).

When we eat, she is constantly feeding me. My mouth can't cope with the incessant chewing and swallowing that's going on at meal times. Sometimes, I got to tell her to STOP IT. I feel bad after that but,...........

She bathes me, massages me, washes my hair. This is heavenly. I know. I got it better than many many other guys.

But lately, she's been pressing me about marriage and settling down with her for good. (We only been living together for 3 weeks). I tell her it's too early and the next day, the same topic comes up again.

She attends to my every need. It's like I got a butler, lover, robotic housekeeper and nanny all rolled into one. I dom't know if I can stand it in the long term.

Now, most conversations we have, will invariably turn to whether there are women who are trying for me........ I look at myself in the mirror and see an ugly ogre of a man. I just can't get it. I am geting testy with her when she brings this up (which is ever so often).

Today, she wanted to take a photograph with me so that we could BOTH put it as screensavers on our mobile phones. I said I would not do it for mine. She just sat there, blank and hurt.

I am starting to find excuses to lock myself in the study (as I am now) away from all that love.

Am I being an utter dick ? What the hell should I do ? What should we do ? There is no doubt that she loves me. But sometimes (now, most times) she is loving me to death.

I told her to get some activities going with her friends. She said she would rather be with me. I just can't bear to leave her alone at home, so I end up not having any after work socials with my friends either.

I got another headache coming on just thinking about leaving this study room.

Help please ?

Some gals just don't get that most guys don't like to be smothered.
We all love affection, but don't make us feel like a baby....

My suggestion is to look at what types of magazines she buys... Now, find one (like Cosmo, etc.) that has a story about women who smother their men...and leave it lying about kind of casually, with it open to that page...

Maybe the subtle hint will do the trick.

If that isn't up your alley (or doesn't work)...then you can always just TALK to her about it, and when she's NOT doing these things for you. But, you also have to prod her to talk about anything that you do, that maybe she's irritated about, and you don't know.

Be sure to remind each other that you love one another throughout the conversation, but that you just want to be sure and communicate, so that the relationship can be strengthened, rather than run away from issues.

HI, tried all that. Did not work.

I had a good long talk with her just.

She says that she just can't control herself. Apparently she needs to progress the relationship and this is her way of showing it.

I dun know. Really dun kow. The pampering is really nice and I am lucky to have someone take such good care of me. But...... (Glenn Close,,, Michael Douglas.. Anne Archer....) are coming to mind more and more frequently and it worries me if I do decide to call it a day, if there is gonna be any serious flipping out.......

reply to post by dixon


Now that you mention it.. I read your OP a couple of days ago and it gave me the creeps and I didn't reply because she reminded me of the fatal attraction charactor and I didn't want to offend.

I would run for the hills.

She sounds very passive aggressive and is trying to disempower you by trying to impose herself as "mummy". The problem you will have is if you try and dump her she has the

"but what about all I've done for you??"

guilt trip up her sleeve. She is trying to make you indebted to her. The more you let her do for you the more she is tallying up that bill ready to hit you with it. Meeting you on the way home from work? Making sure you feel guilty if you leave her at home by herself? Thats why she doesn't want any friends because then you have to isolate yourself as well so she at least has one friend to keep her company when she chooses to stay home alone. Thats another guilt trip.

Anyway you know all this.. that she has a screw loose and is killing you with kindness. Emotional abuse does not have to be overt.. it's about taking away someone else's power and it's like she's trying to make it so you can't even go to the toilet without her help.

Sorry if I offended you just giving an honest reaction speaking as a woman. btw. make sure you take responsibilty for your own contraception if you really feel she is trying to own you.

My advice is either draw the line now if it's not to late.. or if you are in too deep "waen" yourself off her slowly and try get her to see a shrink or something.

[edit on 10-2-2010 by riley]

reply to post by riley


Hi,

It's been eating me up for weeks now. I feel like a jerk sometimes.... but something inside is screaming at ma to get out and get out quick cause it ain't healthy.

Talk of mariage has been coming up more and more often.......

I probably am gonna have to face her with the fact that we aren't suited for each other. (Gonna keep all the kitchen knives away first....)

It's just that she's been doing so much for me and I fel like a jerk cause I can't appreciate it.....

Originally posted by dixon
reply to post by riley

 

Hi,

It's been eating me up for weeks now. I feel like a jerk sometimes.... but something inside is screaming at ma to get out and get out quick cause it ain't healthy.

Talk of mariage has been coming up more and more often.......

Thats why you have to be very careful of contraception.. she's sounding a little panicky and desperate.

I probably am gonna have to face her with the fact that we aren't suited for each other. (Gonna keep all the kitchen knives away first....)

It's just that she's been doing so much for me and I fel like a jerk cause I can't appreciate it.....

Imo thats the whole point. You say no to her doing something for you.. she does it anyway then maks you feel guilty? Don't validate the behaviour by caving in. For example. If she does not want to go out and have fun.. invite her out.. if she says no let her pout over it then go out and have fun anyway without her. If she has a go at you over it say it was her choice.

though she might ask if there were women there etc. If thats the case you can say "don't you trust me" or tell her to come along next time so she can make sure for herself.

I know it's complex because passive aggressives always have another way to spin it to make you feel guilty and indebted.

reply to post by riley


Yup.... Been thinking about the contraception point. I turned her down 3 days in a row now. It's becoming like a mental block and I just got no appetite for sex .....

She started up with me about my mobile phone and the messages I've been receiving. Everytime I receive a message and text a reply, I get that look from her. It's gotten to the point that even if the text messages are entirely innocent and she's waiting for a report on who's it from, I refuse to respond or react to her look and just go about my business.

The relationship is unravelling...

I just dread the look of hurt and pain that will follow....

I hurt my wife emotionally and that is still eating me up.... To do another... bad karma.... Sigh...

reply to post by dixon


1stly how did u origanally split wit this girl?

It sounds to me like u were jus looking to fil a void u were left wit after ur divorce, and went bak to something that was familier to u.

She does need to get outa the house a bit. Its not healthy to obcess abt things.
If u r completly honest wit urself, have u in any way given her the impression that u want to spend the rest of ur life wit her?

Even jus in a flippent comment. If she was in herself, abad place she may have grasped hold of, and twisted ur words.

U need to be totally honest wit her. Even if it might hurt her feelings.
U do sound like ur aware of her feelings, so jus tread carefully.

But tell her how u feel and quick...

I BET YOU ARE NOW:bnghd:

In a very large sense, you are right....

I knew that she was still holding a torch for me all these years and I just let her in ....

But she never used to behave like this.....

I been telling her about keeping her emotions in check cause she's choking the life out of me....

She get's a grip..... for a whole 6 hours... then she's off to the races again with me......

My diet... number of cups of coffee... greens.... complexion.... facials....

I sit back and rationally tell myself, this is a good life..... She is good to me and some more..... BUT...... I am fast becoming a pet poodle if this goes on.......

Any chance of hooking her up with some girlfriends and getting her a hobby?

My wife wasn't to the same extreme, but definitely seemed to want to spend the rest of the 24hrs (other than work) with me each day....

She got to be friends with my friends' wives, and now they all get together and scrapbook, whereas the guys get time to do guy stuff...which is usually video games or paintball...

reply to post by dixon


It sounds like now she`s got you back, she`s not letting you go again. And in her mind doing everything for you and being your carer, you`ve got no reason to leave as she isn`t doing anything wrong.
Where in fact this is having th opposite effect...
It sounds like its th despiration thats turning you off, not the actual pampering. Cause lets be honest we`d all love a BIT of pampering. But even thats got a limit.
Well I dont really have any good answers, sorry. Only that you need to both find out what page you`r on, and if its a different 1 then go your seperate ways...

reply to post by Gazrok



Pains me to say this but she just won't go out without me with her......

I have taken to doing many long hours of "addtional work" in the study room just to escape for awhile....

reply to post by squidley_35


I definitely think we are not on the same page....

I have now started to cringe at the thought of the conversation time couples have before they fall asleep....

Marriage.... marriage... mrriage.... marriage..... my diet..... my health..... what I should watch on tv.......... my ....... my...... I sholuld...... why can't I ......... why can't we.......... we should ..........

Wow, this girl is over the top! That's some serious co-dependence stuff going on in your house no wonder you feel smothered.

Divorce is hard to get through, the loneliness etc but you need to go through it to grow as a person. I think you've just fallen back in with this girl because she was familiar to you which is what you were craving but now you've realised it was a big mistake.

You need to get out of this (I'd say relationship but it doesn't seem like much of one) whatever it is and fast.

Your situation has become toxic to you and you won't thrive within it.

Good luck.

reply to post by damn_ummmm


Decided to have one last go this weekend at trying to get her to lighten up on our future together.....

Wish me luck....

Oh man.. I'm reluctant to wish you luck.. but I will anyway.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

reply to post by dixon


Good Luck...

I really do hope you sort things out 1 way or another.
I agree with 1 of the previous post`s from Damn that you really have to go through a break up on your own and find yourself again...
Im stil single from my split wit my long term relationship..
I wanted to find myself again, but it is going on a bit now.
Over 3yrs Iv been single now. Not so much as a 1 night stand, kiss NOTHING!!!
Not that it bothers me
..
Mr Right is out there somewhere.
The trouble is I cant really be bothered to look. My friends say it`l happen when you least expect it!
But 3YRS!!!

No, I am actually very happy..
Once again GOOD LUCK

Originally posted by dixon
reply to post by riley

 

Yup.... Been thinking about the contraception point. I turned her down 3 days in a row now. It's becoming like a mental block and I just got no appetite for sex .....

My cousin had split up with his gf and she suddenly got obsessed with the idea of having a goodbye shag (thats not how she phrased it). He turned her down.. turned out she had gotten pregnant within that couple of days and wanted to.. er cover her bases I guess.

She started up with me about my mobile phone and the messages I've been receiving. Everytime I receive a message and text a reply, I get that look from her. It's gotten to the point that even if the text messages are entirely innocent and she's waiting for a report on who's it from, I refuse to respond or react to her look and just go about my business.

Put the report in writing perhaps? Print out your emails so she can see how unreasonable she's being?

Show her this thread maybe.

The relationship is unravelling...

I just dread the look of hurt and pain that will follow....

I hurt my wife emotionally and that is still eating me up.... To do another... bad karma.... Sigh...

Now this woman is hurting you emotionally.. maybe thats why you chose her? Regardless remind yourself that the hurt look of pain is part of her game.

She is trying to move herself in already.. you say you are having to escape from her in your own home? Thats pretty bad. Do you think she's checking the history/cookies when you're not around perhaps? She would have noticed you spending too much time on the computer so she might be jealous of us too. Maybe leave some porn pages open or something. Just a thought.

[edit on 11-2-2010 by riley]

reply to post by damn_ummmm



Thanks (I think).....

It's gonna be awkward and messy.....

reply to post by squidley_35


Grateful for the support.....

3 yrs is a long time to be single.... (and if I read correctly, absolutely single.....)

But you're right... There's got to be some shoe that fits out there....

Glad you're more than coping.