i need some help, advice, anything, please

i feel so dumb for posting this crap on BTS but i cant afford a shrink, i texted the guy today and told him to stop talking to her and she found out and got pissed at me, said your an Effing obsessed freak and i dont want anything to do with you, you have gone to far, and then it just got worse from there sigh

Look nex, ... you are in now way out of line for cussing that dude out, ... and she is waaaaay freaking out of line for talking to him in the first place. she wants to have her cake and eat it too ...... freak that man !!!

thats basically cheating, and she feels like she did nothing wrong ??? it will only go down hill from there, .... my advice is to give a her a peice of her own medicine and find a girl you can " talk " to .... maybe look up an old female friend, .... i mean, your good looking, you can do allright,.

take your friends to a bar, and pick up some numbers, ... then u start talking to girls, .... see how much she likes it ..... dont obsessive over here, ... remember WHAT YOU WANT YOU PUSH AWAY. so be confident in yourself, .... know that this guy has nothing on you ... pretend you dont care if they talk, .... keep away, ignore her. sleep on the cough.

be the opposite of needy and insecure, ... it turns her off and pushes her farther away. I know its hard, ... and it hurts when you know shes basically cheating on you ..... but you have to consciously do it.... this is basically the last card you can play, so play it well. if you need advice you can always u2u me, .... and well chat it up.

i used to be somewhat of a player, ... so i can help you out buddy.

What reason has she given you for why she's still talking to him?
You arent a psycho for checking a phone bill, if its something your paying for (actually thats even worse if you are, you're effectively funding these calls) then you can look at it whenever you want.

Also, how long has this guy been aware that she's married? If its from the beginning - :bash:

Ok so we had like a 2 hour talk/cryfest and if she talks to him ever again were done, and we have a counseing session. lined up, so wish us luck, thanks blue for a woman's advise, and all of you!

reply to post by l neXus l


Hang in there nex. What you are going through is a test. You will overcome any obstacles in your path but it takes time. You can do it!

Listen, just how did you get to know she was having phone sex ? She told you or you overheard ?

Having a big flame out and making up and having sex thereafter is exciting. Slowly but surely, it kills the love..... Excitement in a relationship is good when taken in moderate doses.

Anyways, don't kick yourself. Looks to me BOTH of you are equally (thought about it but could not find a less direct word) immature. You may want to work on it. But does she ? Sometimes, you can't force someone (even your spouse) to show he/she cares enough to your liking.

Believe that both of you do love each other. ut sometimes, love just isn't enough to make a marriage work.

reply to post by l neXus l


This idea may be a stretch, but consider this. When you were having external problems, (the eviction, etc), both of you were in it together, you were both in an odd way "equal". Just from what you wrote I'm more inclined to think your not the real issue here. Now your wife is saying your to imature. From the time things were really going badly financialy speaking and now, did your personality change? Unless your drinking to much or using drugs, I really doubt it.

It may be your wife is jealous of your success. I've seen this a number of times and its usually very hard to "diagnose". Or it may be that she was in one or more states of infatuation for a year. A relationship "crash" after some stress and time after the wedding I think is quite possible. I'm not an expert on the subject, but it would make sense to me. I agree with a previous post counseling may be very helpfull. From reading your post "between the lines", I think your wife is the lucky one in your relationship. Good Luck

reply to post by arbiture


I may have made an error in my response, comment about eviction, etc. Sorry...

are you a therapist at all of some sort? you have very wise words

Originally posted by l neXus l
are you a therapist at all of some sort? you have very wise words

Thank you, thats a nice thing to say... I was a behavior analyst for the Feds, in my first occupation.

oooooooo

DIS INFO AGENT!!!!!


just kidding

Ok so we had like a 2 hour talk/cryfest and if she talks to him ever again were done, and we have a counseing session. lined up, so wish us luck, thanks blue for a woman's advise, and all of you!

Good luck man...and by all means, why not take advantage of some free therapy... I'm sure some of us on here have had as much, if not more perhaps, education than many therapists out there, and I've always thought the real value in therapy is just having a disconnected party offer their opinion (based on their life experiences)....not the "training" required to get a license, etc.

reply to post by l neXus l


Dude, you guys are TOO YOUNG! to be married.... What did you think was going to happen? I've seen all my friends who have gotten married recently, and none of them are making it. They all think it's going to be rainbows & butterflies but they hardly make it through the first year.

I've been in a relationship with the same guy for 6 years...I just turned 22, and there is no way I'm getting married any time soon...or ever. It just seems when signing a contract, you sign the love away, and it becomes a partnership...

Your Wife seems like she needs space & Isn't sure about her future with you..

Just cut your losses and move on as soon as possible. I know it's easier said then done, and that you love her...but just think long term here...

Ok Dude, i go through these cycles from time to time, but always remember if it was meant to be it will all work itself out, 21 and married just seems you guys are living too close to the, thats the right thing to do book, how long were you dating before you got married, if she is seeing other guys, dude let it be, you CANNOT force somebody to love you i've tried that, it just makes her feel more in control and more powerful, cause she then has you by the balls, and can make you do anything, cut that rope, suggest you need some time appart, if she leaves you for whoever this other guy is, dont take it personally at all, but clearly is looking for something else, IMORAL values..., But hey, start living life abit, get out make some new friends, watch how jealous she gets quickly, and she'll come running back, but then its up to you to make the decision, do you want to go through all that again when the relationship gets abit boring again.....

My Man

YOU are the MAN in the relationship,

Last Q. How old is she, didnt have time to read all the other posts....

DONT let it get you down ,DONT sit and work yourself up, DONT, Thats what she wants......

Good Luck Man

hows things going, you can't leave us hanging, you asked for advice we need feedback , man. :bnghd:

Guess what, the honeymoon is over and you hit your first roller coaster dip.

Marriage is hard hard work.

First problem, you have issues that your wife thought she could deal with and no it is starting to bother her. The shiny new paint has worn off. Remind her that she promised through sickness and through health. This is the sickness part.

If she wants you to man up, she needs to woman up and accept these traits as permenant disorder, and she can either accept it or leave.


You are both dysfunctional. You both need individual therapy on top of marriage counseling.

First off, if the first thing she does is run off and talk to another guy everytime the relationship doesn't go her way, your doomed to a lifetime of constant drama.

It sounds like she is high needs and needs to get a self esteem adjustment, and stop requiring so much attention to make her happy.

And she needs to accept that it is not your job to to keep her happy 24/7. She is a grown up now.
While yes, you need to compliment her and make her feel loved. This is goin beyond that. This is someone requiring your to be a blood donor and they are a psychic vampire, constantly suckign attention out of people to boost their own self esteem.

AS for you manning up, she needs to define it. What is it? Doing more around the house? Building fire? What? That is pretty vague.


This stuff is minor. If you guys can't handle something so minor as a couple, then the marriage is doomed. I would hate to see what would happen if you faced actual problems.

Please, therapy. Both of you.

My suggestion is that

Live separately from each other for a couple of months. During the period of separation, try to make her remember you and feel your absence without her knowledge (by secretly working in the background). If she is/was really loving you, she will feel the loneliness & will come back to you. Or else, come to a conclusion that she is not the right girl for you. Look for another girl.

Originally posted by l neXus l
oooooooo

DIS INFO AGENT!!!!!


just kidding

Disinformation is one tactic used by the government, and it's very real. But most of the time there are other explanations.

OK I don't know if it's in my place to be giving you advice because I can't even legally smoke yet but I agree that you should have some time away from her. Stop and spend some time alone and see if she really misses you and if you really miss her.

Here is how you will spend some time away from her... join the Army. There is no better place to mature as a person. Or maybe just join the reserves, join the Coast Guard, do something with the military, it will give you a bigger perspective on life and about the important things in life.

I'm telling you this not from experience, but because I'm also going into the Army. I wouldn't suggest for you to do something I wouldn't do myself.

That's a rather drastic suggestion, considering you'd be almost certainly be going to Iraq or Afghanistan (both godforsaken places, and I know firsthand...used to live in the Middle East for a couple of years)...

There are many valid reasons for going into the military (almost did myself, but way prior to this current nonsense), but running away isn't one of the better ones.