i need some help, advice, anything, please

i want it blunt, i was furious with her, i called the guy cussed him out, and canceled her cell phone service, i am up for anything that can save my marriage as long as its worth saving

Originally posted by Gazrok

the problem is i dont trust her, she started talking to a guy on facebook who is super rich and in the air force and lives on the beach and all this stuff and they talked on the phone behind my back and she even had phone sex with him, she said its because she wanted something new, and now he keeps calling and she still talks to him and wont listen to me to stop

Unacceptable man

!!! ... She TOLD you she had phone sex with some guy? She's looking for you to man up, be mad as hell, and chastise her for it... How did you react to this?

Getting married that young, you were almost asking for it, but yikes...

My advice is start squirreling your stuff away, get a secret account (preferably in another family member's name), and start collecting the evidence against her to use in court....otherwise, you may be kissing that money and condo from the good job goodbye... Whether you want a divorce or not, SHE may seek it...and you need to prep for that...given the events you described...

See how agreeable she would be to marriage counseling (and then document her refusal to do so)...

Hate to be blunt, but somebody's gotta give it to ya straight man...

Gazrok speaks the truth.

yes he is absolutely right

Just DOCUMENT everything... This will be your best defense if the poop hits the fan...

I'm gonna hope you can go the counseling route (and I usually don't advocate it), as 1) I think she won't agree to it anyhow, but 2), if she DOES agree, it may mean that she wants to salvage things too...(which STILL doesn't excuse her behavior, by the way!)...

well we had a long long talk last night, and were both going to try marriage counseling and if that doesn't work just go our separate ways

Sometimes, it can help to identify the REAL root of the issue, and once that's uncovered, you can work on it....

Other times, it can just make you realize you want different things...

Either way, I hope it makes you both happier in the long run. Sometimes it just takes a third party to put things in perspective (whether a counselor, or a friend even), so good luck to you

Originally posted by l neXus l
we do sit down and talk all the time, its the same conversation, i say ill change and she says ok and it just keeps repeating itself, we both are very very much in love, and don't want to get a divorce, we want to make it last, its just been super hard, im 21 almost 22 and she just turned 23 so were still young, but we both want it to work, its just been so hard,

There's your answer. Just married too young. Did either of you have a chance to experience life? Just asking.

I married at 21 and was divorced at 28. Yeah, I "tried" for 7 years, but when you're not in love any more, you can't make it work.

As someone else said, communication is essential in any relationship. Let her know how you're feeling. Ask her what she's feeling and what she wants, tell her what you want.

Be prepared though, she might just tell you that she doesn't want to be married any more.

Maybe a little break from each other would help. Is there some place that you or she could go for a week or so? Time apart does wonders.

When you do talk with her and say that you'll try to do better, do you really try? It's tough, it's a battle, but it's one that must be fought if you're going to succeed.

Marriage is give and take and both parties must be willing to look at it that way and do the giving and taking.

the problem is i dont trust her, she started talking to a guy on facebook who is super rich and in the air force and lives on the beach and all this stuff and they talked on the phone behind my back and she even had phone sex with him, she said its because she wanted something new, and now he keeps calling and she still talks to him and wont listen to me to stop

as stated, absolutely unacceptable. It appears that she "wants" him and it creating more problems with you in order to get what she wants. Be blunt and ask her if this is the case.

Have you thought about counciling? Might help?

I wish you the best, good luck.

[edit on 2-2-2010 by elevatedone]

well i just found out by my phone bill that she has been talking to him a lot behind my back and even this morning she talked to him for 40 minutes, and then when i confront her about it, she yells at me like im crazy for suggesting it, when i have proof shes lying

ahhh i cant take this its tearing me apart what do i do

reply to post by l neXus l


How do you know that she talked to him this morning for 40min? Can't already be on your phone bill.

If you really want to stay in this marriage, you need to do the following:

1. As yourself, will she break off all ties with this other guy?

2. Will she honestly try to make it work, or will it be a waste of time?

3. Seek marriage counciling now, sooner the better.


It appears to me that this guy is the root of most of your problems, I hate to say this, but it appears she wants to be with him and will tell you what you want to hear, but will secretly keep talking to / seeing him.

sorry man.

i can see the bill online, yeah hes younger than me, ha and in the airforce and all this crap with tons of money, i seriously want to die, i hate this its like a giant hole is punched in my heart, sorry for posing it here, i dont have many friends outside work and i just am lost

reply to post by l neXus l


ahhh I see.

You need to print off that phone bill and show it to her and ask her to explain.

Don't let her tell you that she's only calling him to break it off.

You should have her call him with you standing next to her and she's to tell him that she doesn't want to be with him, she doesn't want to talk to him, that she is married to you and going to try to make it work, leave her alone. Then hand the phone to you and you tell him, politely, to leave your wife alone, you are trying to work out issues and he needs to stay away from her.

If she refuses then you point blank tell her it's you or him and yes she has to make a decision and make it NOW.

By staying there and allowing this behaviour from her, you're only prolonging what is coming and causing yourself more grief and heartache.



[edit on 2-2-2010 by elevatedone]

that's a good advice EO ill defiantly do that, the whole absurd thing about this
is that we live in nebraska and he lives in california

If it's a conciliation, there's some things to consider here...

1) She isn't in love with HIM, she's in love with the FANTASY that she's created.
2) Do you really even know any of his claims are true? He could be a schlub in his mom's basement, for all you really know...(apologies to any basement dwellers)...
3) 40 min on the phone is emotionally cheating, even if in different states...

Hopefully, counseling will at least help you both decide if this is something you both want to fix... Remember, you BOTH have to want that for it to work...otherwise, you're just biding your time until the inevitable... But, it may not be hopeless...

For starters, she needs to own up to her mistakes. Likewise, you'll need to own up to promises you've made that maybe you didn't keep. There has to be forgiveness on both sides if you are to move forward...but that can't happen if she's still lying and thinking she's doing nothing wrong.

i know and i try to talk to her but shes the type of girl who doesn't want to listen and thinks shes completely right, she says im psycho because i check the phone records, i tell her its because i don't trust her, that's where i am stuck

Without trust, you have nothing to build on. Sorry, but true.

She has given you reason not to trust, so this isn't your fault.

ill probably go home tonight and be lock out of my house

Take my previous advice, and shore up some finances, document the evidence of the infidelity (emotional, if not actually consummated)...

I know you still want to see if it can be fixed, and I wish you luck with it, but won't hurt to start prepping for the worst-case scenario either....

Surprised nobody has advised you looking up someone online (especially an old flame), and chatting her up, so that she can actually realize what she is putting you through... (not that I'm advising it...just saying I'm surprised it wasn't raised..)

[edit on 2-2-2010 by Gazrok]

reply to post by Gazrok

its over, were done, you can close the thread

peace out

reply to post by l neXus l


Nope.... we're going to need to hear what happened?

Whats up, you ok?

Tell us...