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i need some help, advice, anything, please

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posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 11:22 AM
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i need some help with a problem i have, and if your just going to sit here and make fun of me or say hurtful things i don't want to hear it, because this is a lot for me say, and its hard, i just need some helpful suggestions

OK so I'm married to the most beautiful girl in the world, we have been married for a year and a half now, at first everything was fine we were super happy and in love and had the butterflies and everything, we have had a lot of hardships in our marriage, moved to 3 different states, job loss, eviction, etc, and we finally got settled on this Saturday in our new condo, now i have a great job and everything, but the problem is me, she is completely falling out of love with me, because she says im to immature, i might have a mans job and make money like a man but i don't act like one, and she is finding other things to make her happy, now we fight all the time, over the stupidest little things, and our marriage is going to die if this continues, i know im immature, i have ADHD so i mature slower than normal people, but i want to change, i want to be a man i just don't know how or really what to do, its killing me inside, and its seriously ruining our lives, does anyone know of any help or suggestions they could offer? i don't know where to turn, doctors cant help me i just need some answers
and like i said please no flaming, im being serious here




posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 12:18 PM
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Hey there, Sorry to hear of your situation and it sounds like a sad one indeed,
Being 100% honest (And this is only my opinion) it sound like you may need to have some time apart from each other,

It sounds Like you are both unhappy and you really have to sit down with her and have a good talk, Do you both want to save this relationship?
If so then you both need to take action,

She married you for who you where so to expect so many changes is a little unfair, I really feel this is something you and your wife should be talking about,

You need to open up communications and see if there is a way that this can be saved,

Its a two way street and both of you need to make the changes or make the decision to take time away and try and find yourselves and find maybe what you used to have with each other,

I'm not sure there any real answers, But its something you have to look deep in to your heart about as does she.

So my advice would be sit down, Talk, and see what you guys can come up with,

I wish you all the luck in the world, I'm sure this is a very upsetting time for you.



[edit on 1-2-2010 by asala]



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 12:23 PM
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we do sit down and talk all the time, its the same conversation, i say ill change and she says ok and it just keeps repeating itself, we both are very very much in love, and don't want to get a divorce, we want to make it last, its just been super hard, im 21 almost 22 and she just turned 23 so were still young, but we both want it to work, its just been so hard,



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 12:26 PM
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Well its great that you do both want to work on it, You both are still young,
If you feel the major issue is with you what about finding some help group?
Or something to focus your energies on? Maybe a sport? Karate? or something creative? It may just help you calm a little and help with confidence,



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 12:27 PM
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yeah i hear you, i am pretty emotionally unstable, with all that's happened, and im definitely less mature than everybody else my age, i just want to be different so bad



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 12:59 PM
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Nex, I know I joke around a lot. But I'm being serious here.

Get some guy friends, go out and do stuff with them, like golf, bowling, drinks, whatever. Give her space, you're going to choke her out (not literally, you know what I mean).

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this but WOMEN BECOME INTRIGUED WHEN THEY ARE IGNORED. They can't stand it....and it ropes them back in. It'll make her realize what she's got. And if it doesn't...hey you made some new friends.

I got married the first time young, like yourself. Listen to what I'm telling you here.



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 01:03 PM
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i have like 3 guy friends, but all they want to do is play video games, and i like that but im past that stuff pretty much, i wish i had more, but im not really around people my age, plus my wife is really pretty so she gets a lot of attention from other guys and she likes it, because i just dont do it for her and it makes me extremely jealous



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 01:10 PM
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Stop with the jealous nonsense. My wife is hot too, but we trust each other 100%. We gained this trust over years of being best friends, it takes time. If she wants to cheat you will not stop it from happening, so get over that.


If the friends thing is not working, get a hobby that requires you to get away from her from time to time.

You must give it SPACE NOW or you will kill it.



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 01:11 PM
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yeah she says that when shes mad i smother her and keep asking whats wrong and stuff, and not leaving her alone,



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 01:14 PM
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SO LISTEN TO WHAT SHE'S TELLING YOU.

I've been down this road Nex except for the roles were reversed. She didn't listen and I found a way out!



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 01:16 PM
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I am by no means an expert, and can only advise based on what I have been thru. Use it however you wish.

Background: my husband of many years is ADHD, has PTSD, and has a photographic memory of things he reads, and LOVES to debate and will take the opposite stance of whatever discussion whether he agrees with it or not, he likes it just cuz. None of this is actually considered to be "Bad" qualities.

ADHD - he has the ability to focus on many different things at once, and hyper enough to get them done... eventually.

PTSD - makes him hyper-sensitive to outside situations, therefore more alert.

Photographic Memory (reading) - many, many applications for that

debate opposite - once you get over the urge to strangle him, you can then see the other side of the coin...

He does take medications, ADHD is a medical condition, IF DIAGNOSED CORRECTLY.

My concern for you, is in your statement you said you both talk about the situation, you say you will change and she says ok. A marraige is a partnership, there are a lot of compromises, just based on what I have read, it seems all the blame is placed on you... where is her compromise? I realize there are two sides to every story, and sometimes you never get the full disclosure.

I HIGHLY recomend counseling - even with me not trusting head doctors, you then have an unbiased third party you both can talk to without any judgements. If she is not willing to go to counseling with you, then in MHO you are then fighting a losing battle.

I would also like to understand what definition of "mature" we are using. My hubby, and really just about every man I've met could be said to be "immature" depending on whose definition.

74 yo Commander of the American Legion of a certain post I shall not name says the FBI means Female Body Inspector. That could be considered immature. If you can still be considered immature at 74, try for another goal besides "maturity"

Casing



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 01:17 PM
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the problem is i dont trust her, she started talking to a guy on facebook who is super rich and in the air force and lives on the beach and all this stuff and they talked on the phone behind my back and she even had phone sex with him, she said its because she wanted something new, and now he keeps calling and she still talks to him and wont listen to me to stop
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casing my immaturity is that its hard for me to not say stupid things, stuff comes out of my head before i think, and i cant keep track of important things, i currently take CONCERTA but i dont think it works to well

[edit on 2/1/2010 by l neXus l]



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 01:23 PM
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Just caught the last post

my sons are 21, I will give you the same advise I would give them.

Divorce.

Casing



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 01:25 PM
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divorce? really? i dont think i could make it through a divorce, im not stable enough



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 01:30 PM
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Originally posted by l neXus l

casing my immaturity is that its hard for me to not say stupid things, stuff comes out of my head before i think, and i cant keep track of important things, i currently take CONCERTA but i dont think it works to well

[edit on 2/1/2010 by l neXus l]


Everybody says stupid things, you will learn eventually to stop before you speak (hubby often says "Did I say that out loud?" & his other "Some are just for me")

keeping track of "important" stuff. Do you pay your bills before they are shut off? (I am on a first name basis with electric and water people as have never been on time in 15 years) This is an organizational/priority issue... a completely personal set of rules.

if the meds aren;t working for you - go back to the doc and see if can tweak a little.

Casing



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 01:37 PM
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Originally posted by l neXus l
divorce? really? i dont think i could make it through a divorce, im not stable enough


Are you stable enough to put up with her cheating? If she quits, I am happy for you, but as a mom (and I know not your mom, just imagining if this was one of my sons coming to me with it) already dont like her and feel you would be stable enough to handle divorce better than constant belittling.

Talk to the doc about this too - ask for anti-depressants. Be COMPLETELY truthful with the doc, if suicidal, meds can increase those tendancies.

Again, my point of view is from a mom of two boys at 21, 22 in 6 months.

Casing



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 01:48 PM
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DOUBLE POSTER!!!!!!

just kidding, i appreciate your posts ill take it into consideration



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 02:24 PM
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Originally posted by Signals
I'm sure I'll get flamed for this but WOMEN BECOME INTRIGUED WHEN THEY ARE IGNORED. They can't stand it....and it ropes them back in. It'll make her realize what she's got.


I have no amazing relationship advice to give, but the above quote is very true!



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 03:04 PM
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ya i have kinda figured it out by now, it took me a long time but leaving them alone is def the best thing to do



posted on Feb, 1 2010 @ 03:57 PM
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the problem is i dont trust her, she started talking to a guy on facebook who is super rich and in the air force and lives on the beach and all this stuff and they talked on the phone behind my back and she even had phone sex with him, she said its because she wanted something new, and now he keeps calling and she still talks to him and wont listen to me to stop


Unacceptable man
!!! ... She TOLD you she had phone sex with some guy? She's looking for you to man up, be mad as hell, and chastise her for it... How did you react to this?

Getting married that young, you were almost asking for it, but yikes...

My advice is start squirreling your stuff away, get a secret account (preferably in another family member's name), and start collecting the evidence against her to use in court....otherwise, you may be kissing that money and condo from the good job goodbye... Whether you want a divorce or not, SHE may seek it...and you need to prep for that...given the events you described...

See how agreeable she would be to marriage counseling (and then document her refusal to do so)...

Hate to be blunt, but somebody's gotta give it to ya straight man...





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