Back after many years, NOW I need an explanation

Hello fellow ATSers. As you can see, I have been a member for years, usually lurking and reading, absorbing as much as possible.
My story begins around 1997. I was sitting in the library as a junior in HS (I'm 30 years old now) and I was walking around the library when a certain book popped out to me. For no reason whatsoever, or for all the reasons in the universe, I opened up what now has become the BANE of my existence. The book was called "Cosmic Voyage" by Courtney Brown. I read it right there, from start to finish, and was amazed that no one else knew about this. It was about remote viewing, triangulations of phenomena that had occurred past, present, and future. It took my mind from innocent 17 yr. old to wanna-be psychic.
I checked the book out, although I had read it all, wanting to re-read it to see if I had missed something. It was a mind-opener, the fact that reality is but perception, controlled all by the mind. Well, needless to say, everything seemed so petty to me after this. Rules, placed on me by school, seemed unfair to my growth, and after a series of events, I was kicked out of high school.
Fast forward to about 3 weeks later. My aunt is an art teacher at another school, and we are talking about what had happened. She asks me what happened, seeming concerned. Before I continue, I'd like to say that my aunt is VERY close to a very well-known Southwestern artist, from New Mexico, and had invited me to her yearly "Canyon De Shay" (sp?) trip with him and her, all expenses paid, which I declined but to this day I regret. She is very spiritual, and believes in Native American religious rituals, cantos, etc.
Ok, so I tell her I have no clue why I got kicked out, but mentioned the book and "remote viewing". She looks at me as if she had seen a ghost. She then tells me "the book found you baby, not the other way around." I was 17, young, dumb, and full of ---, so of course I dismiss this as "dumb".
Fast forward to 2002. I have all but forgotten this book, and am on my way to US Border Patrol training in Charleston, SC. I went through 2 years od background checking, psych tests, physicals, FBI coming to my work and home, etc to get into this. Starting salary was $45k/yr, so of course at 21-22 years old, I was ready to jump in. Something deep down, however, doesn't feel right. I am just not feeling like this is what I was meant to do. I go through 3 months out of 5 month total of training (both with FLETC and BORTAC) but feel as though I am a boy among men, not part of the team. I go into a small library next to the mess hall, and I see a book entitled "Cosmic Explorers" by Courtney Brown. It was just purchased and left in the mess hall. I read the book, and quit the next day.
The funny thing is, all of the "quitting" part is blank. I don't remember what I told the SGT., or our supervisors, or my flight back home. I just remember touching down back at home, reconnecting almost.
Now I get back, my family is hating on my decision, my mother doesn't speak to me, my gf at the time is just disappointed, and my uncles and aunts see me as a quitter.
This hurts my self-esteem so much that I fall into a deep depression.
I snap out of this, and in 2002, with a 3.2gpa and a letter of recommendation, I get a full scholarship to UT-Austin but quit again. The course work was laughable, but again I feel disconnected. 2006-2008 I get married, move to Dallas, and think my life has peaked.
In December 2008 my wife walks in one day and tells me she wants a divorce, tears in her eyes. Up to this point, I was happy. Within a month I was back in Austin, down to $3.50 in my bank account and a black Lab named Sadie.
Present day:
Lots of other things have happened, a flip-over wreck in 2001 where everyone said I should have died, a gun pointed at my face and not going off, etc.
The reason I post here is: Can someone here help me find the right way? Am I just seeing "coincidences"?
HELP...

Sure this is a million dollar question? Coincidence? Destiny? Synchronicity? Statistical probability? Call it what you will, there are no definitive answers, only opinions.

If we use one model of the universe then things look quirky and unlikely, if we use another then everything like this seems normal, even probable.

The key is surely in the self. What do you think? What do you believe?

Die Wahrheit ist irgendwo da draussen.

reply to post by SugarCube


That's the thing, I don't know what to believe. I just feel like every time a major thing happens in my life, this "remote viewing" and "higher consciousness" stuff comes in.

I supposedly have some Native American blood in me (not alot) and my mother says I have been emotional since I was a kid. After years of not being able to cry, all of a sudden my body feels sad and I have been crying for petty, stupid things, like movies. I start a "new job" on Tuesday, managing a HUGE car dealership here, and this morning my girlfriend asked to watch "The Men Who Stare at Goats". I watched it ALL while she fell asleep, and I guess this is what made me post. Too much, ya know?

I have no idea where or what to do...

I don't know the "right way" for you; I don't even know the "right way" for me; however there does seem to be a lot of syncronistic events in your life. Whenever I have this type of thing happen; I chalk it up to the "trickster" ****in with me.

But I know one thing; Texas is toxic for me.

I also read Mr. Browns' book but it didn't have the same effect on me.

Good Luck!

Welcome back to the boards!

[edit on 17-1-2010 by whaaa]

Explanation: Welcome Back! S&F!

I would recommend going even further than SugarCube suggests and that is "What do you want to think? What do you want to believe?" as this goes beyond the basic need to think and believe and that is what determines CONTROL of the self and EVERYTHING eminates from the CENTER which you obviously are from your POV! This take some time so give it and you'll get it....eventually!

Personal Disclosure: St*r for SugarCube as well!

reply to post by whaaa


For some weird reason, when I left Dallas and had the chance to go back home "rent free", I told my mom "I don't know why, but I belong in Austin. Something's drawing me there, I can't explain it."


Not toxic... Austin at least, everywhere else in Texas, I agree with you.

I dont have strong beliefs in much of anything but I somehow became convinced years ago the coincidence doesn't exist. Things happen for a reason. We can't always see the reason, up close. Half the time we don't recognize the incident until we get some distance on it.
My suggestion, follow the clues. There might not be anything there but it wouldn't hurt to spend a little time learning more.


PS You don't need to throw over your whole life, you can study stuff while life goes on.

Your story is similar to mine, barring that particular book title. It was many books, and revelations along the way, a long stint of homelessness/purposelessness, admitting many things about life did not agree with me, that ultimately landed me in a state of perpetual bewilderment.
In any case, I found no solace, no peace, and no friends for many years. My decisions seemed irrational to everyone but me, and in most cases I couldn't even understand what was driving my "antisocial" dropout behavior.
My solution turned out to be a spiritual discovery, personal to me, but entirely necessary before I could ever rouse myself from my lethargy. Some people find no comfort in the motivations of life that drive most "normal" people into doing what's considered rational. For many, the spirit becomes lost in this material world, and conforming to social standards is impossible for them. Once this is recognized, a purpose is laid out, discovered, and motivation is born from the awakening.
I had to redefine my ideas about life, success, and purpose. I realized that I was very selfish, that really it all boiled down to doing what I wanted to do; many times at the expense of others. I discovered that by trying to help others, great satisfaction was realized, purpose was fulfilled, and direction was found. Suddenly my needs were met, and I found I needed to spend far less time worrying about the things so many find important in life. Once a person finds this level of peace, time is plentiful for discovery, for learning, for evolving, in whatever peaceful endeavor they may choose.
Just my personal experience...

Originally posted by bestideayet
reply to post by whaaa

 

Not toxic... Austin at least, everywhere else in Texas, I agree with you.

I hear ya....especially 6th. Me and the boys play at SXSW sometimes.

see sig...

I would suggest that you just 'go with it'. I know that sounds wishy-washy and doesn't really tell you anything at all, but that is the point. Rather than letting somebody else you you, just to listen to the inner voice until you have confidence in it.

Think of it in terms of your other capabilities. You probably don't think twice about your other senses, about sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste, but these guide you in your everyday life. So be it if you have a further sense, intuition if you will, or a guiding principle of existence that marks you for a further destiny or eventuality.

In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king, so the saying of Erasmus goes. Use that skill or turn of events as much as you would any other sense or opportunity.

Originally posted by odd1out
Your story is similar to mine, barring that particular book title. It was many books, and revelations along the way, a long stint of homelessness/purposelessness, admitting many things about life did not agree with me, that ultimately landed me in a state of perpetual bewilderment.
In any case, I found no solace, no peace, and no friends for many years. My decisions seemed irrational to everyone but me, and in most cases I couldn't even understand what was driving my "antisocial" dropout behavior.
My solution turned out to be a spiritual discovery, personal to me, but entirely necessary before I could ever rouse myself from my lethargy. Some people find no comfort in the motivations of life that drive most "normal" people into doing what's considered rational. For many, the spirit becomes lost in this material world, and conforming to social standards is impossible for them. Once this is recognized, a purpose is laid out, discovered, and motivation is born from the awakening.
I had to redefine my ideas about life, success, and purpose. I realized that I was very selfish, that really it all boiled down to doing what I wanted to do; many times at the expense of others. I discovered that by trying to help others, great satisfaction was realized, purpose was fulfilled, and direction was found. Suddenly my needs were met, and I found I needed to spend far less time worrying about the things so many find important in life. Once a person finds this level of peace, time is plentiful for discovery, for learning, for evolving, in whatever peaceful endeavor they may choose.
Just my personal experience...

Thank you so much.

Hello,
I'm not sure I can offer you any concrete solutions to your troubles.
I am, however, a true believer in the healing qualities of nature and our outdoor surroundings.

You mentioned you have some native roots in your ancestry?
I immediately thought of the Vision Quest ceremony. Every North American native group had vision questing. Traditionally it was used as a rite of passage for a native youth entering adulthood. They would find their true purpose in life and find inspiration and life answers from a meditative journey through, cleansing, self purification, sense deprivation and fasting. Today it is used for peoples of all ages.

Perhaps a less intense, more meditative version could help you find your center. It sounds like you are off your "true life calibration" or purpose. Perhaps a journey of slowing yourself down clearing your mind and seeking out an elder for some clarity and direction could be of assistance.

Have you ever participated in a Sweat Lodge ceremony? Very cleansing and healing. I recommend it. It is representative of a rebirth, a symbolic, fresh re-emergence or coming out of the womb and into the harsh world of reality, sort of like a fresh start. A good way to detoxify physically and spiritually.

My feeling is that we usually get in our own way with anxiety, stress, self doubt, and other worldly distractions when we are searching for answers.

Put the goal of your happiness and fulfillment in the back of your mind, quietly and calmly reassure yourself from time to time you will get there, and you will naturally make decisions and follow opportunities that lead you to that destination. Have faith and stay out of your own way.

I hope you find what you are looking for.
Best wishes

www.native-art-in-canada.com...
www.firstnationstreatment.org...

[edit on 17-1-2010 by sparrowstail]

I just sent you a U2U. I myself have had some of the same problems that you are talking about. In the last ten years, for example, I lost a parent, almost died three times myself and have had the same luck this past decade. I might be able to give you advice so you do not make the mistakes I made. GTORick

Originally posted by SugarCube
I would suggest that you just 'go with it'. I know that sounds wishy-washy and doesn't really tell you anything at all, but that is the point. Rather than letting somebody else you you, just to listen to the inner voice until you have confidence in it.

Think of it in terms of your other capabilities. You probably don't think twice about your other senses, about sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste, but these guide you in your everyday life. So be it if you have a further sense, intuition if you will, or a guiding principle of existence that marks you for a further destiny or eventuality.

In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king, so the saying of Erasmus goes. Use that skill or turn of events as much as you would any other sense or opportunity.

I see it more as a curse than a skill right now. Maybe I need to open my perceptions a bit. Just an FYI, I've never ever done '___', mushrooms, coc aine, any "illegal" drugs at all, save for marijuana.
Many shaman say the inner mind tells ALL when under "peyote or another mind altering drug".
The little boy inside of me tells me not to, but in a way I feel as if this will open my mind. If it grows in the ground, how can it be bad for me?
As for the actual intuition, I have no clue where to go with it.
No answers, just more questions I guess..

Originally posted by sparrowstail

You mentioned you have some native roots in your ancestry?
I immediately thought of the Vision Quest ceremony. Every North American native group had vision questing. Traditionally it was used as a rite of passage for a native youth entering adulthood. They would find their true purpose in life and find inspiration and life answers from a meditative journey through, cleansing, self purification, sense deprivation and fasting. Today it is used for peoples of all ages.

Perhaps a less intense, more meditative version could help you find your center. It sounds like you are off your "true life calibration" or purpose. Perhaps a journey of slowing yourself down clearing your mind and seeking out an elder for some clarity and direction could be of assistance.

Have you ever participated in a Sweat Lodge ceremony? Very cleansing and healing. I recommend it. It is representative of a rebirth, a symbolic, fresh re-emergence or coming out of the womb and into the harsh world of reality, sort of like a fresh start. A good way to detoxify physically and spiritually.

My feeling is that we usually get in our own way with anxiety, stress, self doubt, and other worldly distractions when we are searching for answers.

Put the goal of your happiness and fulfillment in the back of your mind, quietly and calmly reassure yourself from time to time you will get there, and you will naturally make decisions and follow opportunities that lead you to that destination. Have faith and stay out of your own way.

I hope you find what you are looking for.
Best wishes

www.native-art-in-canada.com...
www.firstnationstreatment.org...

[edit on 17-1-2010 by sparrowstail]

I'd never heard of a vision quest. A canto, as my aunt called them, were what she and Amado Pena (who is related to us on some level) along with other native americans do. Supposedly, from what she told me, she's seen a "dragon-spirit flying through their tent". Of course, as young as I was, I thougth she was insane.
As for feeling "off calibration", I swear that I have used that terminology with my girlfriend, it's as if I picture the insides of my body as a "connect the dots" from my head to my feet, but it's all mis-shapen. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but I've actually felt "out of alignment" and was diagnosed 2 years ago with "anxiety disorder", an easy way of saying without 2mg of Xanax every day I "freak out".
I also have noticed that any type of hindi, middle-eastern, or tribal type music gets INSIDE me and makes me want to hit a bongo.
Stupid, I know, just what I feel/think...
Thank you for this I will look into it more....

Originally posted by bestideayet

Maybe I need to open my perceptions a bit. Just an FYI, I've never ever done '___', mushrooms, coc aine, any "illegal" drugs at all, save for marijuana.
Many shaman say the inner mind tells ALL when under "peyote or another mind altering drug".
The little boy inside of me tells me not to, but in a way I feel as if this will open my mind. If it grows in the ground, how can it be bad for me?
As for the actual intuition, I have no clue where to go with it.
No answers, just more questions I guess..

"Growing in the ground" is not a good criteria for determining harmful/not harmful. However the shamanic journey has been a way for me to find a few answers; but before embarking be armed with the Shield of Faith and the Sword of Knowledge. Intent and motive is very important on this path.


[edit on 17-1-2010 by whaaa]

I'll tell you what my dad would have told me (he is ex CIA)
"You need your ass kicked"

and frankly that is what you need. So many missed opportunities. You sound like a spoiled kid that refuses to grow up.

Take some advise from my dad and from the movie fight club and...
GO GET YOUR ASS KICKED!

looser...

It may just be a 'comfort zone' issue.

You do have the intent to be better, to do good to yourself and for others around you, but once you step out of your 'comfort zone' - a belief of solace and peaceful existance - you flounder and begin to question your aims subconsciously, driving you back into the comfort zone.The book are but excuses, a straw you grasp

It happens to many people. It is only human nature. But venture out you must, come what may and stick to that path no matter what happens, and you will find a rewarding and amazing journey of your life, as long as you hurt no one in that journey.

I cannot live your life, but only you can, if you are prepared, to stick to the path, come hell or highwater and years later, I can guarantee you will be amazed and glad you stepped out of your comfort zone and know yourself better, of what you can achieved in this life.

You are not alone. Many had done it before. Some falter and gave up, hiding back into their comfort zone. Many others falter too, but had courageously stood up and soldier on to their goals.

You too can be one of those success story, so long as you believe in yourself. We are all the same human, bleed the same, aspire the same and had succeeded before. You are no lesser mortal.

Good luck!

Originally posted by joey_hv
I'll tell you what my dad would have told me (he is ex CIA)
"You need your ass kicked"

and frankly that is what you need. So many missed opportunities. You sound like a spoiled kid that refuses to grow up.

Take some advise from my dad and from the movie fight club and...
GO GET YOUR ASS KICKED!

looser...

I'm not a violent person so I don't think that is an option. It isn't your fault you think this way, so no negativity, thanks for the suggestion.
And the fact that I've been in paramilitary training, trained by Navy Seals and Marines, done log PT and formation at 4:00am, and saw what types of people are in the CIA, FBI, etc, I am not surprised your father would have had that to say to me.
I've gotten my ass kicked enough mentally and physically, now I want to kick some ass back, but spiritually.
Thanks though.

I feel your pain, everyone rides the life roller coaster. I'm sure your not spilling all the beans here.
We really don't need to know all your biz. but how you choose to deal with situations and outcomes will dictate where you are in life.
Maybe see what you Aunt is up to these days.

Make a list, Karma's a bitch! Isn't she