posted on Jan, 7 2010 @ 04:47 PM
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, or even necessarily what I want to get across. I'll start with a question: How many of you have been cheated on
by a significant other? The answer I expect to hear, unfortunately, is 'most of us.' I won't get into the details of what happened, since I
believe I created a thread about it when it did happen (July/August,) but technically it was never 'confirmed' that she cheated on me. We had been
dating about 10 months. She went home for the summer, invited me to stay with her and her family, and when I got there I realized that she had been
sneaking around behind my back with an ex-'lover' of hers. I was also fortunate enough to see her journal (No, I didn't go snooping, but it's a
long story) in which she had been writing about how she couldn't stand me and wanted me to leave.
She convinced me that she wanted to 'work it out.' I agreed, but knew it was a stupid decision, so about 3 weeks later I broke up with her. I had
been through a difficult breakup before, so I basically convinced myself that it would be much easier this time. I don't know...maybe I'm just in a
melancholy mood right now, but I feel as if there was so much anger, betrayal, sadness, etc...and I'm not sure if I ever properly dealt with it (Or
maybe if I'm just acting like a whiny adolescent.) It's not as if I bottled it up...I allowed myself to feel sad, but it wasn't like my first
breakup. I soon became extremely busy between work and school, and all of those feelings just stewed. I became overly objective about everything.
I'm not sure if it's just how I am, or if it's a result of the breakup, or a result of something else, but I break everything down into pieces.
Even my family has started to notice it. There is nothing that I see as 'pure' or 'good' anymore. Everything is just...what it is. Friends are
friends because of the evolutionary incentive that we have. Love is love because of a chemistry that exists so that we'll reproduce. And even
though there's nothing wrong with these things on their own -- after all, they are true, most people understand that even though love is a
measurable, factual thing, that's not a reason for us to not feel good about it. Just because we are bound by our biological imperatives doesn't
mean that our feelings and experiences are any less real. And I understand this logically, but emotionally I can't get past it. I feel like I did
this to myself on purpose to avoid pain, and now there's no way back.
I knew that our relationship most likely wasn't going to work out in the long term, so when the breakup happened, as a way of dealing with it, I
broke it down that way. I was paranoid that she was cheating on me before I found out, but I told myself 'I choose to trust her.' When it turned
out I was right, it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. I see trust and faith as pointless and stupid. Afterall, why rely on something
that you can't confirm? And once again, I know the logical reasons proposed that are supposed to make us feel better about this, but I don't feel
it. In a way, it's nice. I did far better this semester in college than I've ever done before (especially in the math-based classes,) and I'm
much more efficient in solving things logically. It's not a fun place, though. I'll be straight -- it's very lonely.
The first girlfriend I 'fell in love with' broke up with me by telling me all of the things she hated about me and why I wasn't good enough for
her. I got past that, and figured that this one would be far easier. I believe now that I was wrong. I guess what all of this nonsense amounts to
is: if you've had an experience like mine, how did you deal with the betrayal? Did you ever learn to not be suspicious? Is 'trust' something that
you even wanted to learn to have again? After all, trust is something that is earned rather than given.