New TSA Regulations? {satire}

When the Shoe Bomber was caught attempting to light up his shoes, all airplane passengers were forced to remove their shoes (heaven help us).

Now we have the Christmas Crotch Bomber, who attempted to light up his underwear. As a result, we shall now have Underwear-Free Flights (UFF).

It’s not a big imposition: some people don’t wear underwear as it is. Unfortunately, like tube tops, those who should wear them don’t and those who shouldn’t wear them will leap (as it were) at the opportunity.

What’s even worse is the (no doubt imminent) full body scanners. These do absolutely nothing to guarantee anyone any safety. In fact, the only safety guaranteed by these invasive machines is the financial safety of the manufacturers, as well as any spare parts and service contract persons or entities.

In actual operation, full body scanners just allow TSA employees to see you naked. The best pictures are saved for full blown laugh sessions, complete with lots of pointing and giggling.

TSA employees, by the way, are the people hanging around airports who used to be known as Guys Who Carry Trash Bags. They were hired as security guards after they graduated from Taco Bell (Airport Operations). When TSA took over, they raised the bar for screeners. This largely took the form of much spiffier emblems on their uniforms.

And guns.

LINGERING QUESTIONS

Back to the our Plane Miscreants for a moment.

What do you suppose is the problem with the carriers of explosives these days? I’m no bomber (even though I do rather enjoy watching things blow up) but it would appear to me that it’s not terribly difficult to set off explosives. Don’t we all watch ourselves around things that blow up? Didn’t the coyote always have that really unstable container of TNT around for when the roadrunner blew by? By this we learned that explosives are unstable. And if explosives are unstable, how difficult is it to make them explode? Vini, vidi, vici, ergo sum.

If one is to believe the conspiracy theories put forth by George Bush, Barack Obama, et. al., somewhere in Afghanistan, there is a muslim guy whose head is really sore because he keeps hitting himself there due to poor choices made in the hiring of suicide bombers.

Why IS it so difficult to get good help these days? Fast food workers, department store help, suicide bombers: it’s all the same. Nothing is as good as it used to be. There was a time when people were genuinely interested in performing the tasks for which they were hired. What kind of skills do you suppose are required? Does one have to go to a special school or simply be special?

PEACE: AN IDEA WHOSE TIME HAS COME

Peace can be had, sometimes not by concentrating on our differences, but by our similarities. Perhaps Obama can meet secretly with Bin Laden and simply talk as men about how difficult it is to find good help these days. Before you know it, they’ll be drinking a beer and slapping each other on the butt.

After all, isn’t THAT what the Peace Prize is all about?

Well, I'm no bomber myself. But I do reckon, that It can still be done without underwear. All one needs is a few cans of Baked beans the night before with some boiled eggs in the morning, well timed of course, and that guy in the caves would have a better recruit.

Far cheaper too!