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Family Estrangement and it's Effects

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posted on Dec, 16 2009 @ 04:49 PM
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I know I'm not the only one estranged from family members. As I get older, the desire
for an emotional connection with family members get stronger. How does one deal with the emotions that come when family members don't want a connection?

Maybe you were adopted and sought out and found your birth family. Then your excitement turns to disappointment when you are not made welcome and your lifelong dreams of having an emotional connection to family members has been squashed. How do you deal with it?

Why is the emotional need to be accepted by family so strong for some, and for others, it is completely absent?

How has it affected you?

I feel a sense of loss and rejection.




posted on Dec, 16 2009 @ 05:01 PM
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Reply to post by Schleprock
 


I know this is scant comfort for someone in your position but sometimes you are better off without them. I know I am. The family I made is all I need.


 
Posted Via ATS Mobile: m.abovetopsecret.com
 



posted on Dec, 16 2009 @ 05:10 PM
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You and your family will always have an unbound connection, bringing your thoughts closer and closer towards theirs as time goes by. The comfort you recieved from them is now gone, and is missed.

My advice is to give the family what ever they want. make them as happy as you possibly can. weather it be admitting you were wrong, when you were right, or giving something they desired, and their ego split you apart.

To fight over something with family is pointless, what ever you own your family should be just as welcome to.

To say you do not need family is empty. Some have none, so dealing with it is much much easier. some have a lot, but being split from them is very hard. Ask anyone.

If you desire your families love, then you must fulfill their desires. When it comes down to it, its your families happiness that makes you happy. not having them far away.



posted on Dec, 16 2009 @ 05:14 PM
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reply to post by Schleprock
 


I guess it depends on the person and the circumstance for that person so that said there are an infinite possibilities that could influence this subject and therefore not one accurate answer to be gained.

Speaking for myself both my parents live in Edinburgh but I see them maybe once a year – if they are lucky.

My reasons for this are simple. My mother brought me up within strict impersonal catholic terms I struggled against right through my childhood. I was able to finally break free from this way of life as I grew into a teen.

My father was a brutal man who could never reconcile himself to the fact that he had not resettled well into civilian life after a lifetime of life as a paratrooper and as a brutal man who ruled with a quick and violent fist that one day I would show him the mistake of living a life in this way.

I was left with no choice one night because my mother a woman I deeply resented then as now for extreme arogance was being beaten black and blue. I stepped up and showed my father that this was a mistake and that violence breeds nothing but violence and bitterness. Dispassionately and without mercy I taught him never to lift a hand to my mother or my brother’s again and this was the event that split my parents up and saw me leave to join the army.

Both my brothers live outside the country (British soldiers) and we are close but not so close that we are annoyingly interruptive of each other’s lives.

For me the only people I have in my life now are my wife and my daughters and a dog that is fanatical about me and they are the only beings I need around me to show me that we only need who we love and show us love in return.

Those outside this “circle” are background noise but that said I have too much empathy for my fellow man/woman and sometimes this is to my disadvantage because people being people, many see empathy as a weakness to be exploited.

Lonership is a state of mind to be embraced because it makes life simpler and brings its own state of bliss!



posted on Dec, 16 2009 @ 05:17 PM
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I agree with watcher in the shadows.

I can't explain why you want the connection with your estranged family so bad because I don't know all the details, but it seems to me it's the emotional version of tryin to keep up with the jones'. I can kind of relate, last year at a holiday party a friend of my GF's asked where my family was this holiday season...it's kind of weird to tell someone that they basically don't exist...I kind of assume that they will judge me or just not understand because their families are tight or at least around and thats a big part of most peoples life. For me it isn't, don't know if it's for better or worse, but I've been related to many losers, and I'm not even the worst that I've seen. You can pick your friends, but you're just kind of dealt a family.....if you can recognize that they suck then just try and ditch em...sometimes it'll save your life.



posted on Dec, 16 2009 @ 05:30 PM
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reply to post by gandhi
 





You and your family will always have an unbound connection, bringing your thoughts closer and closer towards theirs as time goes by. The comfort you recieved from them is now gone, and is missed.

I think you're assuming a lot about the OP here...



My advice is to give the family what ever they want. make them as happy as you possibly can. weather it be admitting you were wrong, when you were right, or giving something they desired, and their ego split you apart.

wow, thats not good advice IMO, why should the OP concede to people known to be wrong, or egotistical just to make them happy? If thats the type of family he's missing, he's better off without em.



To fight over something with family is pointless, what ever you own your family should be just as welcome to.

no they shouldn't. why would they be? so if my family is a buncha junkies I should let them pawn my guitars to get more drugs...hey whats mine is theirs....




To say you do not need family is empty. Some have none, so dealing with it is much much easier. some have a lot, but being split from them is very hard. Ask anyone.

as long as you have a few good friends you won't need a family. Ask me.



If you desire your families love, then you must fulfill their desires. When it comes down to it, its your families happiness that makes you happy. not having them far away.

this is probably true but you need to evaluate really how important are these people, is it worth it to bend over backwards for a bunch of losers just to be able to say you have a family? I don't know if the OP's family are really losers, maybe they aren't in which case maybe it would be worth it to get back in touch, I'm just saying you outta give this some serious thought. It's like I tell people who try to get back with their ex....you split for a reason...has anything really changed?



posted on Dec, 16 2009 @ 05:51 PM
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There was no argument in my case. Both parents deceased at a young age and was separated from siblings. We all lived separate lives and I guess they are comfortable with their lives and don't need or want contact. It's unfortunate because I have always been a loner, but as I start to get older, I realize I'm not the only one missing out. My kids miss out. Their kids miss out. We all miss out on something.

I guess with the holidays approaching it makes me more sentimental.



posted on Dec, 16 2009 @ 05:55 PM
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To put it simple, the only reason someone would not like their family is because of their egoistic needs. someones family not liking them is for the same reason. thats all drama is about, ego.

So if we just tried to make everyone but ourselves happy, we create a new need. and we get rid of the ego while doing so.

Its something at first glance seems totally stupid in the egos perspective, but once done, opens the Self.



posted on Dec, 16 2009 @ 06:41 PM
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I DEFINITELY feel rejected of course.... but I miss and worry about them nonetheless !

And I sometimes get emotional seeing families on tv but I know I'm doing exactly as they requested so it must be for the best...
But what REALLY upsets me are long time friends who are AWARE of the circumstances but insist I should reconnect because they're "the only family I have" and/or go behind my back to try to get us together!!


And Gandhi.... my situation isn't about ego, at least not on my side...I swallowed my pride several times over, tried my hardest to become what they said I should but I know now for a FACT a person cannot change their core personality!! Finally realized they can't understand who I am but I still love them regardless....doesn't mean I need to BE around them tho...



[edit on 12/16/2009 by SmokeyDawn]



posted on Dec, 17 2009 @ 03:29 AM
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reply to post by gandhi
 



Originally posted by gandhi
To put it simple, the only reason someone would not like their family is because of their egoistic needs. someones family not liking them is for the same reason. thats all drama is about, ego.


Respectfully I disagree!

I dislike or to be more accurate have an indifferent distrust and resentment towards my parents not because my ego is burgeoning but because I could always rely on my mother to try and undermine me. It was not uncommon when my daughters were very young for my mother to come around, take them out and for me to discover later that she had failed yet again to have them baptised at the local church... Disgrace and that is just one example of countless examples of a “why.”

Nothing to do with ego and everything to do with a lack of respect will bring consequences.

Then a father who has never been interested in my daughters because they are females and in his warped world of myths, Vikings and Valhalla the importance of a person is measured firstly in the gender of that person – males being of greater importance than females, and thus another example of a lack of respect, combined with ignorance bringing very real consequences!

I do not need damaged and out of touch people in my life and not because my ego is burgeoning but because life is too short to pander to the ignorant. It really is as simple as that as far as I am concerned.


Originally posted by gandhi
So if we just tried to make everyone but ourselves happy, we create a new need. and we get rid of the ego while doing so.


Without ego I think there would be no motivation for self preservation and no need to strive for what we need to make life easier for ourselves and those whom we love. In my opinion we need ego just as much as we need water because without ego we become a shallow shell, a ghost of a person because we strove for ego death and would regret such a thing if we were ever unlucky enough to achieve it – I say be careful what you wish for.


Originally posted by gandhi
Its something at first glance seems totally stupid in the egos perspective, but once done, opens the Self.


There are many ways to open one’s self up and in my opinion none of it involves attempts to rids oneself of ego, rather to learn to accept that everything and everyone is flawed and that to know this is to bend to this flaw that runs through everything around us. Ego gives us the mandate, the will and the motivation to see it through to the end.

We evolved an ego for a reason and to throw it away or to attempt to do so might be extremely detrimental in a spiritual sense?



posted on Dec, 17 2009 @ 04:15 AM
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My mother sought to push me out of the way all the way through my father's death and alienated her family from me by telling them I was doing stuff I was not.

I decided to leave them to it. My mother moved home - did not give me the address. She then told her family I was not visiting her - how could I when I couldnt contact her?

She turned up on my doorstep in May after three years and I basically just asked her if she wanted a cup of tea. No drama...no issues...

All she did was complain about how nasty her family were being to her. Boo Hoo, I thought and just listened. She was stuck in the same place...I had moved on.

I wont be nasty to her - but she is definitely at arm's length. A friend said to me.."Sometimes people just turn up, to show you how much you don;t need them."

I have my partner and dogs. I would rather not be dragged into their unproductive squabbling - it's draining.



posted on Dec, 17 2009 @ 05:29 AM
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My family is ALL estranged for various reasons.
I was adopted at birth, no siblings..and my parents died when I was young.
Due to being adopted I was never accepted into the family so when my parents passed..I lost contact with all extended family.
In an effort to gain a sense of family for my own children, I sought out my birth mother.
BIG MISTAKE.
It took 5 years of searching, but we found each other..and at first it was all sunshine and rainbows.I found out that my parents had married after my birth and had a son and another daughter..then divorced soon after. Or so I was told by my mother.
It took a couple of years, but the skeletons finally came out of her closet.
Only my mother and my sister would speak to me. Not my brother or his father.
I found out that while seeing one man, my mother cheated, became pregnant with me..and gave me up for adoption and returned to her boyfriend.
He accepted her back BECAUSE SHE TOLD EVERYONE THAT SHE HAD MISCARRIED AND THAT I WAS DEAD.Only later on did she recant her story to everyone but me..I heard it through a third party.
I was so devastated to hear this, that I never spoke to her after.
In my mind..if I was dead to her then, than Iam dead to her now and she will never be a part of my life or my children's.
I'll pick my family thank you.



posted on Dec, 17 2009 @ 06:26 AM
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reply to post by Schleprock
 


I'm sorry you feel that way...


I have a sister who hasn't spoken to me for 4 years, and has done everything in her power to try and alienate the rest of my family from me but it hasn't worked. She has alienated herself from my other 2 sisters as a result of her childish behaviour and hurtful lies. She has done some horrible things to the family overall and to be honest, I don't care one way or the other about her any more. I gave up trying to appease her. One day when she looks around and realizes she's alone she will have no one to blame but herself. She threw away her family basically and has no remorse.

IMHO, people who willingly and purposely try to destroy their family like she has tried with mine will never see the error of their ways. My aunt basically did the same to my father's family and has never showed any remorse and has never tried to say sorry for any of the pain she caused my other uncles, aunts or father.

These types of people will never change and even though some might not agree, you are better off without them in your life. I don't know what caused your family rift, and I don't presume anything really, but think about why they don't want to talk to you and think about if maybe you're better off without them in your life...


Stay strong. It's their loss, not yours.






[edit on 17-12-2009 by sugarmonkey]



posted on Dec, 17 2009 @ 07:05 AM
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Over my lifetime I got to witness the growing estrangement between my only sibling and my parents. For at least a decade, there has been no contact.

Nothing my sis chose for herself (friends, occupations, spouse, attire, you name it) was okay to my parents. She only ever received praise or approval for those things that they deemed to be 'right' for her. If something my sister initiated and undertook didn't turn out, she got the "I told you so!" treatment.

I fully understood her need to break away from them. It was an act of self-preservation. My father has since passed away and my sister elected not to attend his funeral. I could understand and accept that, as well.

She finds strength in the friendships she has since established in her life away from family and has discovered that blood is not necessarily "thicker than water". Her friends are far less judgmental of her than my parents ever were and as a result she feels more comfortable in their midst.

This is a clear cut case of parents inherently loving their child, but not liking her at all. The feeling ended up being mutual. I've always hated being caught in the middle.



[edit on 17-12-2009 by GoneGrey]



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