Summer is plundering
the last cool breeze.
The air is thick and full of promise
for tomorrow, not today.
Today, we laugh at the bravery of
the jackrabbit who slips into our
yard for a quick rest on the path
and the dog who, five feet away,
does not notice
until
rituals completed, she turns and sniffs, and they
are off! Of course, the rabbit is
through the drainage hole and away and
the shadows pool across the garden.
Blooms blow off the heavy laden trees and shower
us with pollen, the promise of
another year.

My agave has babies with little blue ears listening to the big blue sky.
New! What?
Gray thoughts arrive, heavy and exciting...
Moisture clings and droplets arrive on the edge of feeling, smoothing into a rhythmic beat and drum, thrum, hypnotize, flows into one stream.
No dusty roads, no dry stones, no old bones, no DEAD END.
Pour and stream.
Flow and clear.
Cool and fresh.
Smooth and pooled.
No ribbed dirt, no stripped damns, no bare stones, no DEAD END.
Evaporation cools, daylight is waking...
Dry light infuses scents of the falling, drowning into the cadenced heat and sun, thrum, hum and buzz, flies into my dream.
Now what?
My agave's new babies have one more ear listening now.

Ok, so like, normally?
We bicker, and usually, you are in a bad mood when you have to go to work
because you are a government employee
and spoiled by the 4/10 schedule.
Unlike the rest of us
who work five days a week.
So I am the one
who is always trying to cheer you up.
You grump and grump.
I stay "positive" (imagine "squeak!" like a Valley Girl here).
I cajole you out of your mood.
Most often I want to go home after work and drink beer.
You feel guilty, so you go home and drink beer with me every other day.
That's ok. Not a problem, as long as you don't give me crap
when I still feel like drinking beer.
I like to go to yoga class but it is a half hour away.
So that doesn't happen much.

Anyway.
So, like, normally, we have this balance.
And I like to listen to talk radio on the way to work
and you prefer to listen to sports.
It doesn't really matter.
We are just waking up, trying to orient and prepare to deal
with other people besides ourselves and each-other.
Sometimes we argue over stupid stuff.
We are comfortable with that.
We go on vacation and we have the best time!
We both love history
and museums
and hiking
and doing things that are different from the everyday grind.

But sometimes things slip out of balance.
For instance, we can't control what our ex'es do.
They # with our schedules.
They mix up drama with our kids.
So what ends up happening is
that we fight with each-other.

Okay, so that happens,
we know. Okay.
All this we are used to dealing with.
We read the papers (on-line, of course)
and you know that we are all under these stressors.
Not a problem.
We handle it.

Then, my team is called to a meeting
on a Thursday morning
where the execs from Corporate
(some call "The Suits")
are there.
"Due to the recession...
Times are hard...
We have to downsize..."

Ok, I'm outta there!
I had been daydreaming "What if?"
scenarios for a year.
Not a problem...
I'm seriously motivated
as I have no savings...
so I find a job within a couple of weeks
even during the recession.

A contract job.
Everyone is very friendly there.
It is very quiet in my cubical.
Not a problem…
I can concentrate on my work.

There is some other drama
sabotaged by circumstances
outside our control.
We deal with it.

Now the job becomes a problem.
There is total chaos here
which I laugh off every week.
Maintain a sense of humor.
Collect the paycheck.
Incidentally and ironically,
higher than before I lost my job.

But one day, things become really #ed up.
I can’t think clearly at all.
Normally, my manic mind lets me stay
very clear and productive.
Today, I am drowning in mud.
My face is frozen.

You don’t know how to react.
This is not the me you know.
Wow, even behind the mask,
I am impressed that for once
I managed to get through your mood
and make an impression.
You are concerned.
Not that I want you to be.
I don’t want that.
I feel very numb.
My face is numb.
My mind is numb.
I can understand now
How people get to a point
Where they could commit suicide.

That isn’t a word I’ve let myself think.
Until now.
But I would never.
But I can relate now.

I feel like everything is wrong.
And I am completely trapped.
And it is so #ed up.
SOOO #ed up.
Absolute chaos.
I can’t believe they are paying me
To do # work which I am forced
To do because of their stupid crap.
Their processes are so totally wrong.
I could tell you such stories.
And they are paying hundreds
Of contractors to do # work
Because no hand knows
what the other hand is doing.

(continued...)

I feel like I am locked in my head.
I can’t get out.
I normally feel connected, even intuitive.
But now I feel trapped.
I try to express my feelings (‘cause that’s what I do).
I try to communicate with you.
You look at me and I see you are worried.
Like, I’m not making sense.
My words are not making sense.
My thoughts are not connected – I am listening to myself speak
while profoundly, I notice that I am unable to put together the thoughts.

In the morning, I feel a bit more connected.
Still trouble moving my face.
Still incredibly unhappy feeling.
Still feel locked inside my head.
(oh, by the way)
Did you know that it is not possible,
Really, to “seek help”?
Either, one has a serious problem
and must be put on drugs
or, one is “acting out” and it will pass.
I have never felt this way before, not this way.
But I entertained those thoughts, as recently as yesterday.

Not good, I know.
Anyway.
Today, I woke up.
Just knowing that I am reacting WAY
Out of proportion to the norm, helps orient me
To what is going on.
I still felt tired, worn, facial mask, but
Coffee helped a lot.

And got to work
And things were funny as hell.
So wrong, I couldn’t keep it wrong.
It became hilarious.
So now, I know this is chemistry.
My brain, imbalanced.
Took me a while to recognize, even
Though I have been diagnosed bi-polar long ago.
But hey, when you are used to mania,
Depression comes as a surprise.

So now, I’m able to focus outside.
I realize it is your birthday tomorrow.
Oh, crap, you have been dealing with me
Losing my mind (literally) when
Tomorrow is a special day.

Ok, so tomorrow comes.
You actually act reasonably normal
Although I can see you are still concerned.
I convince you I am doing better.
Then the claws come out.
I sense you want to punish me for
Causing you frustration and upsetting
The balance.

Thank goodness, even though
I am expecting you to punish me
You seem to have decided to respect the crazy
And realized it was not me.

Thank you.

Thanks for the poems. I really enjoyed reading them. I finished a poetry class a few years back and really enjoyed learning different styles. Thank goodness you shared yours......I would just be too scared to post any...