posted on Nov, 20 2009 @ 10:57 PM
I feel like I am locked in my head.
I can’t get out.
I normally feel connected, even intuitive.
But now I feel trapped.
I try to express my feelings (‘cause that’s what I do).
I try to communicate with you.
You look at me and I see you are worried.
Like, I’m not making sense.
My words are not making sense.
My thoughts are not connected – I am listening to myself speak
while profoundly, I notice that I am unable to put together the thoughts.
In the morning, I feel a bit more connected.
Still trouble moving my face.
Still incredibly unhappy feeling.
Still feel locked inside my head.
(oh, by the way)
Did you know that it is not possible,
Really, to “seek help”?
Either, one has a serious problem
and must be put on drugs
or, one is “acting out” and it will pass.
I have never felt this way before, not this way.
But I entertained those thoughts, as recently as yesterday.
Not good, I know.
Today, I woke up.
Just knowing that I am reacting WAY
Out of proportion to the norm, helps orient me
To what is going on.
I still felt tired, worn, facial mask, but
Coffee helped a lot.
And got to work
And things were funny as hell.
So wrong, I couldn’t keep it wrong.
It became hilarious.
So now, I know this is chemistry.
My brain, imbalanced.
Took me a while to recognize, even
Though I have been diagnosed bi-polar long ago.
But hey, when you are used to mania,
Depression comes as a surprise.
So now, I’m able to focus outside.
I realize it is your birthday tomorrow.
Oh, crap, you have been dealing with me
Losing my mind (literally) when
Tomorrow is a special day.
Ok, so tomorrow comes.
You actually act reasonably normal
Although I can see you are still concerned.
I convince you I am doing better.
Then the claws come out.
I sense you want to punish me for
Causing you frustration and upsetting
Thank goodness, even though
I am expecting you to punish me
You seem to have decided to respect the crazy
And realized it was not me.