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Joke thread

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posted on Jan, 23 2010 @ 07:32 AM
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reply to post by karl 12
 



Ok , I have one for you ..........



Three men were on a hiking trip when after two hours of hiking through dense woods they came upon a river that looked to be at least a mile across. All Three got down on their knees and prayed to God for help to cross it safely.

The First man prayed for strength to swim the distance safely. He was granted the wish and made it safely across in 1 hour.

The Second man prayed for the strength and the tools to make it safely to the other side. He was granted his wish and made it safely across in thirty minutes with a rowboat.

The Third man prayed for the stregth, the tools and the intelligence to make it safely to the other side. He was granted his wish and was made a woman who looked at a map and saw a bridge to cross the river just a five minute walk away..................




posted on Jan, 23 2010 @ 11:29 AM
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During a discussion, the subject came up as to whether I would prefer to have alzheimers or parkinsons.

Naturally, I chose Parkinsons.

After being asked why, I replied "I might spill some of my beer but at least I'd know where I put it"



posted on Jan, 23 2010 @ 03:06 PM
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reply to post by karl 12
 


Knock Knock....

who's there.....

Disguise....

Disguise who?

Disguise jokes are killin me....



posted on Jan, 28 2010 @ 10:23 AM
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So this guy walks into a bar, and notices a barrel full of money sitting at one end of the bar. He asks the bartender, "what's up with the barrel?" The bartender tells him that they're having a little contest, and with the completion of three phases of the contest the winner walks off with the cash. All it takes is $100 to enter. "Tell me more", says the guy. The barman points toward the other end of the bar. The guy looks down and sees a 300 pound monster. "that guy is a former goldengloves champ", says the bartender, "you've gotta knock him out". "Phase two", he continues, "Out the side door of the bar, you'll find a rabid pitbull with an abscessed tooth. Bring me that tooth". "Finally", the bartender informs him, "the third phase". "On the third floor above the bar is a 75 year old hooker who's never been satisfied. Take care of her, and the money's yours."

Accepting the challenge, the newcomer takes two fifties out of his wallet and walks down to the other end of the bar. Tapping on the big man's shoulder, he lays him out with one punch as he turns. Off like a shot, he's out the side door of the bar. The bartender hears snarling and barking and finally a whimper. Soon after, the contestant reappears in the door and asks, "Okay, now where's that woman with the bad tooth?



posted on Mar, 17 2010 @ 06:02 AM
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reply to post by whaaa
 


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “That's terrible, you go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey”.



posted on Mar, 17 2010 @ 02:09 PM
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3 babies are sitting in their mther's whom, waiting to be born. so to kill time, they chat. the first baby turns to the second an asks, "What do you wanna do when you get out of here?" the second says, "i want to be a plumber, get some better plumbing in here, it's too wet in here, what do you want to do?" The first says, "i want to become an electrician, we need some lights in here, wy too dark in here." they turn to the third and ask him what he wants to do. he replies "A Boxer." Confused, the other two ask why. the third responds, "I wanna punch out that guy who keeps comming in here and spitting on us!"



posted on Mar, 17 2010 @ 02:09 PM
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3 babies are sitting in their mther's whom, waiting to be born. so to kill time, they chat. the first baby turns to the second an asks, "What do you wanna do when you get out of here?" the second says, "i want to be a plumber, get some better plumbing in here, it's too wet in here, what do you want to do?" The first says, "i want to become an electrician, we need some lights in here, wy too dark in here." they turn to the third and ask him what he wants to do. he replies "A Boxer." Confused, the other two ask why. the third responds, "I wanna punch out that guy who keeps comming in and spitting on us!"

[edit on 17/3/2010 by Paladin327]



posted on Mar, 20 2010 @ 01:14 PM
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Tiger Woods is about to make his big comeback, in the Augusta National Golf Tournament.

Only, in order to maintain his pledge after completing his sex addiction rehab, he'll only be playing one hole, over and over again....



posted on Mar, 20 2010 @ 01:49 PM
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> While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.

> His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

> 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

> 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

> 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity.'

> 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

> 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

> And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front
of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

> Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

> They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

> Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

> Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...

> The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

> 'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

> So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

> 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

> The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

> So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to hell.

> Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.

> He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

> The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I
don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

> The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were
campaigning.. ..


> Today you voted!!!'



posted on May, 28 2010 @ 01:58 PM
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Greek Philosophical Test.


Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.



In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.



posted on Jun, 6 2010 @ 05:19 AM
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I had an original come to mind today not that great but might as well.

I rented a room to a narcissist once. At the end of every month I got a bill.



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