Joke thread

Heres one to start off

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.


She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.” “I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”


“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”


“Like I’m talking to a f******g brick wall!"

[edit on 02/10/08 by karl 12]

Three men were trapped on a island with a cannibal clan in Africa. The Chief Cannibal steps up and looks at the three men.

"If you want to leave this island alive, you must first find ten of the same types of fruit, do this, then come back to me."

Then, the three men go there own separate ways to find the ten fruits. The first man comes back with ten apples and the chief orders him to put all ten apples up his butt without making a face. He puts the first apple in fine but winces when he puts in the second one so the cannibals eat him. The second man comes back with ten berries and the chief asks him to do the same thing. So the man starts to put the berries up his butt.

1.... 2.... 3.... 4.... 5.... 6.... 7.... 8.... Just then he bursts out laughing and the cannibals eat him. Up in heaven the two dead men meet each other and start talking about what had just happened

"You were sooo close" said the first man "Why did you just burst out laughing all of a sudden?"

"I couldn't help it" replied the second man "I saw the third guy come back with pineapples."

I JUST HAD A THOUGHT!
I'm not really concerned about swine flu. Here's my concern:



3 years ago, Chinese calender year of the cow .....Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calender year of the bird .....Avian or bird flu.
This year, Chinese calender year of the pig .... Swine flu.

Next year is the year of the cock .........Anybody else worried?

Actual Science Tests Report...
These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.

www.ahajokes.com...

Thanks for the replies.



A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.




The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:



Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.




The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.



[edit on 02/10/08 by karl 12]

There was a chemist
Who is no more
For what she thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

What sort of athlete keeps warmest in the winter?








A long jumper

Q: Why do squirrels hate winter?



A: Their nuts get frozen.

Three blondes are walking in the woods and they wander upon some tracks.

The first ones says "These are deer tracks", the second one says "No, these are badger tracks", the third one says "No these are fox tracks".

Sadly,whilst arguing they were all killed by the train.

Next year is the year of the cock .........Anybody else worried?

Let's just hope for Chicken Pox....

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?


Someone who stays up all night wondering if theres a dog.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

Oww!!!


Three women (two brunettes and a blonde) escape from prison. They run into a park and hear the police coming. They all climb a tree.

The cops come, and can see something up in the trees, but can't make it out. So, the first brunette goes, "tweet, tweet, tweet"..

"Oh, that's just a bird" the officer says, and goes to the next tree.

The second brunette goes, "hoot, hoot"..

"Oh, that's just an owl" he says, and goes to the next tree.

The blond, who has been watching all of this, goes, "Moo......."

A guy is strolling along on the sidewalk. He sees a man walking towards him and when he gets closer he sees that a frog on the guys head. So our stroller points at the frog and asks "what's that all about?".


Frog says "it all started with a wart on my ass"

Q: What do you call a really smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.



A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?"

"Um, just a minute, if you please," he murmured.

Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, "Thank you," as the phone went dead.



Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".

All of those from here

Jimmy Carr Jokes....

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool....... She doesn't like it.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian....

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

i hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

"Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York city? Thats because you don't live in new york city"

[edit on 3-1-2010 by Rising Against]

Do you know what is the saddest part on a man's body?
-His balls, the Lord Almighty sentenced them : to hang till death


What are the similarities between BAR and BRA?
-Both word have the same letters
-Both are drinking zones
-Both have restricted timing for opening and closing

Girl went to a church for a confession.
Girl : Father, I'm getting married soon but I've lost my virgin to another boy. Please forgive me..
Father: Not to worry girl.
Girl: But I feel bad.
Father: Your husband-to-be was here. He slept with your sister last night.

I cannot live without S E X.

What? boy you think dirty

I cannot live without
-Sleeping
-Eating
-X-ersing

Fil in th blnks:
1.BOO_S??
2.__NDOM??
3.F__K??
4.P_N_S??
5.PU_S_??
.
.
.
.
.
.

Ans.
1.BOOKS
2RANDOM
3.FORK
4.PANTS
5.PULSE

MAY GOD BLESS UR DIRTY MIND

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my **** down your throat.

You're welcome.

Stevie Riks - Liam and Noel

I tell ya, my nieghborhood was tuff. In my nieghborhood the ice cream
man, played the theme from Rocky.


Blondes out in the cornfield. in a row boat and
and she's really rowin. Trying to get somewhere. This other Blonde's driving by and sees her from the road. So she slams her brakes on,
jumps out of her V.W. She starts layin into this girl, yellin and screaming,
"You stupid bitch. WTF is wrong with you. You idiot whore. You know it's
blonde's like you, that give blondes like me a bad name.
If I could swim, I'd come out there and beat your ass".

tadaaaa!!!

What is the last thing you hear from a redneck just before he dies?

watch this!

Two gangstas cruzin their street. they walk by the nieghbors with the two
pitbulls chained up in the front yard. One of the dogs is really lappen at
his privates.
This one gangsta says, "man I wish I could do dat" the other gangsta thinks real hard and then says, "you prolly get away wid it, if you
try pet'in him first".

[edit on 17-1-2010 by randyvs]

How can you tell when an Arkansas girl is on her period ???






She's only wearing one sock !!!!