why do people start to care when they find out someone is dying?

i don't get it. the lady that lives across the street from us is due to die like anytime now. she has cancer and it has spread all over. now we are sorta friendly with the daughter but i don't think anyone has said two words to the dying lady in the 15 years that we lived here.

anyway today my mom said she is going to make a big pot of stew for us and is going to make enough to bring over there for them.

i just don't understand this line of thinking......in 15 years they never talked but now that she is facing her last breath my mom has to bring stew over...
i just don't get it...


so whats the deal? why are people like this?

reply to post by thing fish


because deep down inside we are all love and light and we have this instinct to show compassion and care for the weak, that tells us to make the dying as comfortable as possible???

huh, I don't know,
but I've seen this happening as well...

I agree, it makes me sick when people act like this.
In my opinion, if you had no time for me in the better parts of my life, I have no use for you in my last days.
After I pass on, save your Sunday best for someone else because my body will not be put on display for those who could barely give me a hello.
Thingfish..I truly think it's one of those things that gets passed down from one another, that we just do it without thinking why, or even if it's right or wrong.
Perhaps even some of us feel guilt if we do not.

I believe it is more or less a tradition of sorts and is directed towards the family of the dying moreso than the dying. To try to make these days a little less trying, help them by doing things you can do, such as provide food or money if you think they might need it.
Funerals are another tradition that I think is quite barbaric, but a lot of people still have the large funerals in churches with all the pomp and circumstance, or maybe I should say rituals.

I find it's just the opposite.

I've witnessed the family and friends of the walking dead turn their backs and won't have anything to do with them when they're in a hospice or nursing home.

The mentally ill face this all the time. When they need it the most people are not around to give support.

Am I alone in this observation ???

reply to post by thing fish


Guilt, probably.

Plus we're conditioned to the idea of reciprocation -- if you're good to someone, then someone will be good to you, etc. So if you show kindness and sympathy for someone when their time draws near, there'll be people to help you for yours.

I don't believe in that sort of thing, mind, but I think that's what generally goes through the minds of people who act in such ways.

Well i think it's a good thing people think like that... when they are familymembers.

Not to say something bad about your mom at all... But if people were to be doing that to me i would probably just use my few last breaths to tell them that they should have done that 15 years earlier.

I don't really think i would have done it myself if the family hadn't asked for my help, and i actually also think that that is the best when taking into consederation that actually don't have any bondings at all except for a street and maybe a few stubbed hello's- but good to hear that people like being helpfull at least

anxietydisorder, and you are right about that too. More times than not a nursing home patient or mental patient is forgotten about, put away, no time to mess with them anymore.

Its more disturbing to me when a celebrity passes and people feel deep sorrow.

Someone literally told me today they teared up when they saw a Billy Mays commercial. I mean, yeah he was funny and entertaining, but the guy OD'd on pills, and its not as if I had anything emotional invested in him.

Michael Jackson died. I have great respect for the man. He made great music. Is my life impacted by his death? No, he's dead and gone and won't ever know of me.

I think its a big show. Even when you act like a lunatic when someone you love passes, its not about them, its all for you. Its selfish, and its so people can pity you and pay attention to you. They're in a better place. They don't feel pain.

I'll mourn for those suffering, especially the children amongst those people, but other than that, it doesn't make much sense. Don't act like your tears are for anyone but yourself.

reply to post by thing fish


I am seriously surprised to see how many of you have given "bad motives" to someone who wishes to assist someone or provide a moment of comfort to someone who is ill or dying.

What's up with that? How can you do that? It's knowing that someone who is sick or dying does not feel well enough to go the grocery store and then cook. It's trying to be helpful. Knowing they will lay there and not eat due to lack of energy to prepare something. Knowing someone will come to see them and not have anything in the house to offer them. (That's a bad feeling in inself).

Trying to bring comfort in any way you can, is a good thing. A compassionate thing. You don't have to be best friend's with somebody to recognize a needy human being and know there is something, a small thing, you can do to help them and cheer them up a little.

...And what if it is motivated by guilt? Some things have happened in the past that you feel badly about, and now you want to say, here, let's let those bygones be bygones, and let me help you now that you need it.
And the person is cheered up, thinking, well maybe so and so doesn't hate me as I thought, and that makes them feel a little better.

A pot of stew is such a simple thing. But it shows you have thought about them, and that you are sorry they are ill. That you have either been in their shoes, or know someday you will be, and you have empathy.

How in the world someone could derive something bad out of that, I will never know. (Not the OP, you've simply asked a question).





[edit on 11/8/0909 by ladyinwaiting]

I didn't know that you had to know somebody to show kindness.

I help strangers all the time.

But next disaster that happens maybe we shouldn't send any help, having never met the people.

I think it screams bad motives when the only time you are willing to reach out to someone is when they only have a precious few moments left.

I may be a cynic, but I think it screams guilt and regret.

Compassion is fine, but if something ever happened to someone in my family and all my neighbors came bearing good tidings I'd feel a little dirty about it. Like why when you couldn't bother with us in life are we worth more in death?

reply to post by ladyinwaiting

Trying to bring comfort in any way you can, is a good thing. A compassionate thing. You don't have to be best friend's with somebody to recognize a needy human being and know there is something, a small thing, you can do to help them and cheer them up a little.

you're right - and we're all of us surrounded by people that are in our circle but not close to us

we all know people who live next door, across the street - work in the store we go to everyday single day - but we aren't close to them - we can't be close to everyone

we can't know everyone

but when you hear that someone is hurting - you help - if you can

I live in an apartment building - and most of us don't really know each other - we seldom talk to each other - even when our doors almost touch

but I've seen many instances of neighbor helping neighbor during the years I've lived here

plumbing problems, lost pets, car stuck in the snow, locked out - on and on - I've seen neighbors who are practically strangers help each other out without a second thought

My father is dying.

We have never had much of a relationship.

The fact is that he dislikes me intensely and has never gone out of his way to do anything helpful for me, at least during my adult life.

We have avoided each other for more than thirty years.

Now, I feel that it is time to put away the ill will and so I am making long trips to spend time with him as much as possible.

He still doesn't like me, but he seems to appreciate the effort and I feel that it is my duty.

In my opinion, it is better for folks to rally around the dying than it is to ignore them in their hour of need and then show up in droves at the funeral.



[edit on 2009/11/8 by GradyPhilpott]

i just don't get turning on the care meter at the end...
the other day the daughter brought over the pan that my mom brought her the stew in and started talking about how hard it is to get her mom in and out of the car after radiation treatment....

was kinda hinting at me to offer to help.
mind you this is the most i have spoke to this woman in 15 years...

now she wants some help. where has she been the entire time i have lived here.

i will help cause i am not a heartless bastard but i do it begrudgingly(sp)

reply to post by thing fish


Thing, it's okay for you to have a little resentment towards helping her, for now. Doing something for someone that you don't really care for, is simply classified as an act of charity. You are performing an act of charity. That's a good thing. Try to conceal your resentment the few minutes you are with her, and fake a little cheerfulness.

You are building us some good Karma, friend!

I once passed a little old man who had fallen at his mailbox and couldn't get up. My conscience would not permit me to pass him by. I was in a hurry, it was during my working hours. I was like "Errrrrr". Why now?"

When I lifted him up, he was so upset, he wet himself, and me in the process. Grrrrr. But I kept a smile on my face; I faked it. He was so embarrested that he wet me, he started to cry. I was all like "it's no problem, don't worry about it". I then went home and changed and was late for my appointment. But today, although that was years ago, I look back on that as one of the nicest acts of charity I have ever done. And it makes me feel good.

I find it really strange when people act like this, I dont think its a bad thing but its definately an odd way to react when someone you barely know is dying.
I remember when Jade Goody died me and a couple of my friends were like yea its sad, but we dont really care because we dont know her, and theres so many other people who've died of cancer. And when we said that to some people they acted like we'd just murdered their whole family!

I admit, I am saddened when a great musician or actor dies. Music has always been a big part of my life. When MJ died, I was sickened by the idolatry of the entire world. I do not care how somebody died, if they overdosed, died in a car crash, or someone killed them, when someone I connect with, either directly or indirectly, it is sad for me, though I don't cry at hollywood deaths.

Sometimes, we all need to make an advance first to reconcile our differences, because if we don't we lose time that could have been spent differently than in anger. Time we can never get back.

Death is a sure fire way of letting you know this.

[edit on 13-11-2009 by catamaran]

It's easy to be cynical here. If we had shown as much interest and caring in the past as we do in the end, life may not have come to an end so soon.

Personally, I don't have a good reply except to say that in that end... we reach a little deeper and find something of ourselves in those we finally care about.

It's not right... and it damned sure doesn't speak well of us as individuals or a society. But it is still quite often true.

Good subject. Thanks

reply to post by thing fish


You know, I think this is generally misunderstood by a lot of people.

Everyone is up to their eyeballs with worries, problems, appointments, work, their own families, friends among other things and the majority of people simply get caught up with the business of life that they accidentally miss out or take certain things for granted.

Someone coming to see you if your dying or deciding to visit someone when you hear they are dying is actually a good thing because it should show that you give a damn enough to make the journey in that persons time of need.

Everyone is snowed under with their lives and its easy to take your eye of even the people who live under your own roof. Prioritising life, in a society that values nothing but slave hours of work and intangible junk, is very difficult and someone visiting when another is dying is proof itself they care because they are dropping the whole lot just for you.

Its not a negative thing and I am quite surprised that many people fail to understand when they themselves are going to be guilty of it at one point in their lives.

I understand that this is a neighbour and might not be someone well known but its the truth, living in the same street as someone is a connection in general. When it comes to, going all over the world to watch a Michael jackson concert celebrating someones life as one example, thats pushing it in terms of priorities but I am sure my reply makes sense.

Cheers.

[edit on 13-11-2009 by XXXN3O]